The Mirror and the Mask
Chapter 9: Release Me from My Bands I
That dawn, Zero was able to sleep through the entire day underneath the weight of Kaname's sleeping form. His icy vampiric skin kept him cool throughout the heat of the sun. His steady breath was his lullaby to sleep. And his body draped over his form like a blanket. But as the bliss of day soon waned away, the sleep began to loose its spell. Deep within his dreams of REM, Zero woke up startled by a slight movement from Kaname.
His violet eyes opened slowly at first until they shot wide awake when he found himself half naked with Kaname, who was just as bare as well. At first Zero didn't know what to think during his state of panic until the memory of last night began to sink in his mind, slowly setting a field of truth within the plain of consciousness. As Zero took in his surroundings his eyes finally landed upon the one sleeping above him.
Kaname continued to breathe deeply, sleeping while Zero merely just watched; tightening his arms over the pure blood's shoulders and combing through his hair. Tresses of brown silk seemed to swim smoothly through his fingers. Everything was almost black in the room but Zero was able to make out Kaname, his hair, and Zero's own hands which couldn't help but brush it.
After Zero hands stroked Kaname's locks of hair, they began to move slowly down his clotheless back, feeling Kaname's body automatically tremble under the sudden touch until relaxing again. Like a blind lover Zero's finger tips helped him see and take in Kaname's body. His spine, his shoulder blades, the bumps of his rib cage and soon his jutting hips. Zero couldn't help but smile as his hands casually smoothed over the pure blood's pert butt.
"Like what you feel?"
"Uh!" Caught red handed! Kaname could feel Zero slightly jump from the surprise by the way his hands tensed up and froze yet they never moved from his ass But Kaname didn't mind. Zero's little shock made the pureblood chuckle a bit.
"I'm sorry—that was rude of me." Zero stammered. Kaname smiled as he used his arms to prop himself up over Zero to rest on his side next to him.
"And yet, you still continue to grab my ass." He smiled down at Zero.
"Oh!" Zero finally released his hands away from Kaname but it only made the pure blood chuckle more.
"No." He laughed as he took one of Zero's hands behind him, placing it firmly back behind his rear. "You're allowed to touch me." Zero seemed to have relaxed after he was given permission to touch him. He let his hand to rest firmly upon the pureblood's ass while his other hand skated up and down along Kaname's spin.
The pureblood gazed down at Zero with softly red hued eyes. He felt so at ease under Zero's gentle hands for they seemed to whisper promises and lyrics of affection silently under their touch. Kaname caressed Zero as well but with his eyes. They took in Zero's nicely toned chest as if he were a Renaissance masterpiece. Up his chest, along his neck, Kaname soon rested on Zero's tattoo which seemed like a small spider web that spotted the side of his neck.
It was his tattoo that sparked a flame of interest in Kaname. Curiosity seized the pureblood as he reached over to Zero's neck and traced the inked lines with his gentle fingertips. Zero smiled.
"Looking at my tattoo?" He asked.
"Why did you get it?" Kaname asked.
"Chairman Cross. He said that it would bind me to Yuuki. Just in case I would need someone to restrain myself." Kaname frowned at the sound of Yuuki's name. A frown which Zero noticed and knew why. The silver haired youth grasped Kaname's wrist, claiming his attention with the touch. Kaname looked at him with somber eyes. "But I believe I won't need her anymore. Not when I have you." Kaname's once sad eyes soften as he leaned down close to Zero's lips.
"Are you saying you're bound to me?" He asked.
"Will you take me?" Kaname answered with a supple kiss. Light but full, with their lips slipping into one another's mouth. Kaname ended the kiss by sucking on Zero's bottom lip. Zero's own fingers caressed Kaname's wrists, enjoying how smooth they were under his touch.
"I think you won't be too much of a pain." Kaname answered causing both to smile. But in a sudden moment Zero's smile fell. His face took on a strenuous and grave look. Kaname couldn't understand why until he felt where Zero's fingers were placed on his wrist. They both looked over to their hands, with Zero's finger running along a long bump. At first Zero believed it to be a vein until he noticed it was too straight and too precise to be natural. It wasn't until he looked at Kaname's wrists that he understood what it was.
A scar, which seemed to have been the remnants of a deep and purposeful cut, ran down Kaname's wrist in one clear stroke. After Kaname knew what Zero was looking at, he quickly tore his wrist away and began to jump off the bed.
"No—'' Zero called as he desperately tried to grab Kaname back but the pureblood fought away his clinging hands. Each time Zero reached out, grabbed an arm, held a portion of a waist Kaname slithered out of his reach violently. It soon grew to the point that it seemed Kaname had to hit Zero to get away from him.
"Leave me!" He snapped but that interval of speaking gave Zero the moment to trap Kaname in his arms. He quickly seized Kaname's wrist and held it up to the pureblood as if showing him what he was trying to say. Kaname looked away.
"What's this?" Zero hissed but Kaname remained silent and continued looking away.
"When?" He almost barked.
"Can't say."
"Why?"
"Can't say."
"Tell me—''
"No!" Kaname finally tore away at the sound of his outburst. Zero watched him as he walked over to the desk, hunched over the wooden table and allowing his fingers to rake through his hair. Zero didn't follow, he only watched. He watched as Kaname battled within himself, debating what to say and what to do. At least give him that time and space to explain himself. He has to explain himself. Unless Zero will never allow Kaname to leave.
Kaname sighed as he lifted his head up, staring straight into the mirror and seeing his reflection. His sigh was almost like a gasp. As if all his life he had been underwater till now he finally surfaced and breathed. But the mirror always reflects what it sees. And Kaname could see that inside he was still drowning, drowning his secrets and fears. Yet drowning something does not guarantee that it's dead. They still live deep and strive within Kaname.
"I was only 13 when my parents died." Zero's once enraged expression melted away. But it wasn't pity, it was surprise. He never really knew much about Kaname except that he was a pure blood and much respected around the world within the vampire culture. The thought of family never crossed his mind when it came to Kaname.
"How did it happen?" He asked but he made sure to ask softly. Anything louder than a whisper and he feared Kaname would break into a million pieces. It was just a gut feeling that Zero had to be careful. Kaname remained silent long before he replied back. He continued to stare into the mirror, yelling at the image which was laughing back in his mind. Until he suddenly stood up straight and turned toward Zero.
"I only did it once…I wasn't expecting to live through it." Zero suddenly seemed he was in pain from sadness. Was he really ready to hear this from Kaname, someone whom he believed to have almost been perfect in all ways?
"You mean…you were aiming to kill yourself?"
"That's what my mother did. My father." Kaname's eyes faltered to the carpet.
"And you thought of joining them." Kaname scoffed at Zero's accusation, as if he were laughing at him.
"Why would I join people I barely even knew?" He said. "They left me in a hell worse than their own. Without anyone for comfort and affection, I've been breed in the house of Ichiou. Caught in a constant state of suffocation. I just couldn't take it…I wanted to die…''
"Kaname…" Kaname shook his head either from Zero's words or his own thoughts.
"It's about time we start getting ready for school." Kaname walked over to where he picked up his shirt and uniform. "Till then…" He quickly brushed past Zero, quick enough to where Zero was too shocked to catch him.
"Kaname!" But the door was closed.
He slipped out of his hands.
Ruka shuffled her hair in order to make it look more alive since tonight she didn't feel as alive as usual. Instead she felt like the dead corpse she was since tonight would be the first of a long punishment. As she locked her room as usual she noticed Kain waiting for her down the hall where the grand staircase opened up at his feet.
"Ready?" He said when she was close enough to hear him.
"Hardly." She answered. Ruka looked down the stairs and saw the rest of the Night Class congregating below. She had been dreading this night all day.
"What's wrong?" Kain asked as he dropped his hand which held his books down by his side.
"I don't want to go out there." She answered as she crossed her arms. Kain knew her well enough that she was nervous for some reason. She only crossed her arms when she was nervously scared.
"About what?" He asked causing a sigh out of Ruka.
"It's just…" She tapped her foot. "Now everybody is gonna look at me differently. A delinquent now that I have detention for a whole two weeks. A good for nothing twit." Kain chuckled.
"That's it?!"
"It's more than enough for me!" Ruka snapped.
"Ruka," Kain sighed. "Don't consume yourself with what others think about you. You can't please everyone no matter hard you try." Ruka turned toward him.
"What?"
"Don't change for the ones who are full of hate. Cause those that love you the most will feel betrayed." Ruka looked at him fully in the eyes before she hid a smile behind her hand.
"Wallflower." She simply said.
"Good song, uh?"
Unlike last time Zero was up early to have more than enough time to get ready. However, since his mind kept going back to Kaname he found himself rushing towards the end. He threw his books and papers into his backpack along with his notebook.
By the time he quickly jogged to the top of the staircase, the entire class was down there looking up at him. He bowed his head to the floor, hiding his eyes in shame as he did last time. Sorry, he wanted to say but no one would care. But Kaname would…
As Zero walked down the stairs his eyes scanned the floor for Kaname. Usually he would be at the center of attention for he was literally the sun which all revolved around. Yet tonight would be a sunless night since Kaname was no where to be found. Is he running late as well? Once Zero took another step down, he froze. What am I doing?! What if he's in his room right now, trying to finish it!? No one suspects—I've got to help him!
Zero violently turned and dashed upwards but stopped short as he literally crashed into Ichijou.
"Whoa!" Ichijou caught Zero in time before the silver haired youth fell down the stairs. "Hold it! What were you doing?"
"Kaname!" Zero gasped. "Where is he?"
"Kaname is up in his rooms." Ichijou gave Zero a puzzling look as he slowly walked around him. "He said he's not feeling well to go to school so he'll rest for the night."
"He wasn't…" But Zero's voice soon trailed off.
"He wasn't what?" Ichijou turned to look back at Zero.
"Never mind." Zero shook his head. Ichijou knew something was holding Zero back tonight he couldn't deal with the newcomer's problems. He had to escort his class to school while also making sure Kain, Ruka, and Adio were off straight to Detention Hall. Also on top of that, he couldn't help but cringe to know that Shiki was still mad at him. Zero turned back to where the top of the stairs reached; waiting for Kaname to suddenly appear. But he was waiting in vain, Kaname would never come.
"Alright, let's go!" Ichijou sounded and soon the rest of the class moved under his command. As Ichijou descended the last of the staircase he couldn't help but look over the railing to where Shiki and Rima sat. Shiki, who must have been looking at Ichijou, quickly turned away to stare straight on at an empty wall. Rima saw the torn expression on Ichijou as he felt the ice emanating from Shiki towards him. Just as always, Shiki and Rima left together and were the second last to leave the mansion.
"You can't still be mad at him?" Rima asked as she followed behind Shiki.
"Why not?" He asked in his monotone voice.
"Each second of your silence is killing him."
"He can deal with it. It's about time that spoiled rich boy learns that he can't have his way all the time." Even Rima couldn't help but feel hurt from Shiki's words. Each syllable was laced with loathing and spite. He can't possibly mean these things. She thought.
"You know well as I that Ichijou is not that type of person. He may come from a rich and powerful family but he's never used that as an advantage over anyone." She glanced toward Shiki for another spiteful answer but she knew from his silence that she won. She caught him in a trap of truth.
"Whatever." He scoffed.
As the two trailed behind the small flock of Night Students, Zero continued to stare up along the staircase.
"Master Kiryuu!"
"Uh?!" Zero snapped out of his daze and found Miss Mindy huffing and puffing her way up the stairs.
"The class has left already! You should be with them."
"But I'm waiting for Kaname—''
"Master Kuran isn't well. He's taking the night off. If you were a good friend you would do well and let him rest!" Before Zero could argue she began shuffling him down the stairs.
"Now go go go!"
"Alright!" Zero gave into her pleas and lightly stepped down the staircase to the large door. As he reached for the knob he thought he sensed something. Kaname? The silver haired youth turned to take one last look upstairs. Kaname would be there, finally pulling himself to gain the strength in walking to class with Zero. Zero would smile and watch as Kaname gracefully descend down the stairs like an angel descending from Heaven. They'll embrace one another with only their eyes before leaving together for school. Under the protection of the winter night he'll whisper to the pure blood promises of always being there for him, protecting him. But when Zero finally looked up the staircase…no one was there. It was all my imagination.
"Zero!"
"I'm sorry!" Zero finally opened the door and ran out, slamming the oak wood with a final boom that echoed deep inside Kaname's heart. The pure blood, who for a second stood at the top of the staircase, shied away and hid behind the wall right before the hallway ended into the staircase.
He thought relentlessly of walking out of his room after it happened. He wondered that instead of secluding himself from the rest of the world, maybe going out there would do better than hide. Kaname got as far to the staircase until he saw Zero, walking down the stairs. He was waiting for me. Kaname thought. Right when Kaname thought those words, Zero turned around as if he heard them himself. In order to not be discovered Kaname hid from him. He stayed hidden until he heard the final sound of the closing doors, the sound of Zero giving up on him.
Slowly he slipped down the wall, his strength melting away, before he sat on the ground and hugged his knees close to his chest. Zero tried to wait for me. He thought as he clung to his knees. I really thought he would wait till I'd showed up but than again…why? Now that he knows how weak and scarred I am…Kaname pulled back one of his sleeves and traced the faint scar with his fingers. Who would?
He stared at his scar, his sign of weakness and imperfection. What would happen if the whole vampire race knew that the last and most powerful pure blood—their Prince—was sick with depression and thoughts of suicide? How quick they would lose hope for their future when they realize that what they had longed worshiped was only just a cripple hearted Prince. A sick prince.
One no better than their sick and now deceased King and Queen.
I'm sick. I'm sick. I'm sick. Kaname chanted as he traced that scar over and over again, reminding himself how weak he was. Neither strong enough to endure life or brave enough to end it, he was caught in his own purgatory. Soon the image of his marred wrist grew to become blurry and his whole world was washed in water. But there was no torrential flood. It was not raining within the house. The world never drowned in water, no.
He was only just crying. Silently and most importantly…alone.
"I'm sick. I'm sick. I'm sick."
"Kain, Ruka, Adio." Ichijou called as the class walked together in the evening.
"Yes." Ruka answered for the three, knowing full well what Ichijou was about to address.
"You know that today and for the next two weeks you'll be spending all classes in detention hall?"
"Yes." Adio murmured.
"Good. Do I need to escort you?" Here Ichijou eyed each one of them, in case he sensed any signs of trickery or lie.
"That won't be necessary." Kain answered clearly and maintained eye contact with Ichijou as he walked. "We'll all to go to the Detention Hall together and no where else."
"Fine." Ichijou replied and left the conversation at that. Usually Ichijou wasn't this curtly but today he was in a foul mood though he'd wish he would stop. The blonde wished he would automatically brighten himself up with the push of a button, smile to his class mates and ignore the icy stare he could feel piercing his back. But because he could feel Shiki's dagger like stares, it was impossible to smile.
It happened last night when they returned to their dorms.
It was almost 4:00 in the morning when Shiki heard his bedroom door creak open, signaling to him the arrival of his expected guest. Yet as if to spite, he remained eyes closed and asleep.
Ichijou looked over and saw that Shiki was still asleep but the slight smile that crept upon his lips showed that he knew better. In bed, Shiki could hear Ichijou take off his clothes as they all dropped to the floor. The brunette couldn't help but grasp the ends of his pillow because he was so excited yet he couldn't loose his concentration.
Quietly as he could, Ichijou slipped in beside Shiki smoothly without stirring his boyfriend. All was still as the blonde gazed down at his sleeping companion until Ichijou leaned down, his lips moments away from Shiki's neck.
Wrapping the brunette's small, warm body in his arms, Ichijou buried his face in a soft bed of silken hair and inhaled deeply the scent Shiki's designer shampoo. Shiki tried to suppress a giggle as he stirred and opened his eyes.
"Ichijou?" he asked roughly, even though he knew who it was.
The blonde teen replied by kissing and biting Shiki's neck. Soon Shiki rolled around on his other side, reaching his arm around Ichijou's neck to bring his lips closer to his own. Shiki kissed him unabashedly until Ichijou finally pulled away.
"What's wrong?" Shiki asked in a whisper. Ichijou's eyes stared beyond Shiki, showing that something troubled his thoughts.
"I got another letter from Grandpa, asking me to come home over this weekend." Ichijou looked at him when Shiki caressed the side of his worried face in the palm of his hand.
"That's great. I've known you've been homesick for a while. Why? What's so bad about that?"
"…He also told me much about this particular girl who's from a rich and wealthy family. Matching me up with her is the only reason he wants me for the weekend." From those sentences alone, Shiki's once warm face fell.
"And what are you going to do?" He finally asked. Ichijou sighed.
"I don't know. I guess I'll have to go—''
"Go!" Shiki roared as he pushed Ichijou away from him. "Leave me here while you fuck a girl for your Papa's pleasure!!"
"Shh!" Ichijou hushed. "Shiki, you must be quiet!"
"I'm tired of being quiet!" Shiki pushed Ichijou out of the bed. Ichijou landed on his ass and with such a shocked expression he looked up at Shiki who towered over him as he continued to sit on the bed. "I'm not afraid of what other people think—''
"Well, that's because you're mother is an Actress." The moment Ichijou spoke the word 'mother', Shiki's eyes flamed with revulsion.
"My mother is an honorable woman!"
"Shiki, I didn't mean—''
"Get out!" Shiki shouted before he spun around in bed and covered himself with his blanket. Ichijou stood up and tried to shuffle on his boxers as he tip-toed to the bed.
"Ichijou, darling—'' He reached his hand out over the large bundle underneath the comforter.
"I said 'Get out'!!" Ichijou wanted to rip that comforter off of Shiki, pin him to the bed and hold him so that he would never go away while repeating the same phrase over and over again to calm him down, 'I'm sorry, my love'.
But Ichijou knew better that it wouldn't work. Shiki would strike at him and hit him square in the jaw, leaving the pain in Ichijou to be doubled. The pain in his jaw and the pain in his heart.
The sensible side of Ichijou won and the blonde quietly shuffled his clothes in his arms before he quietly walked out. As he grew further away from Shiki he began to hear a muffled voice which came under the blanket. It wasn't until he soon closed the door that he found out the noise which he heard was actually Shiki crying.
The entire day Ichijou and Shiki looked at nothing else but at the other when one was not looking. Shiki cried out his frustration and was calm and collected throughout the night yet Ichijou was a ship balancing on a toothpick. He was on the verge of crashing down.
"What do you think 'White Noise' is to DeLillo?" Mr. Chancy looked up at his small class of beautiful students. His eyes scanned the unemotional faces until he saw a wisp of golden blonde hair. "Ichijou!"
Ichijou looked up violently from his novel with a scared face.
"Yes?"
"What do you think?"
Ichijou looked back at the novel but couldn't decipher the words into an answer for Mr. Chancey's question. Usually Ichijou was Mr. Chancey's star pupil whom was always on point whenever the elder man asked a question. Yet tonight all Ichijou was full of was 'umm'.
Even Zero, who had been in a daze since the beginning of the night, noticed the strong difference in Ichijou's voice. The entire class soon looked over their shoulder to see what was the reason for Ichijou's trouble. All except Shiki who willed himself to not look.
"I'm…"Ichijou looked up at the teacher. "I don't know." Mr. Chancey's eyes widen in disbelief. "I don't know." Ichijou repeated softly but more to himself. I don't even know how to get my love back.
"Well have you read past page160?" Mr. Chancy wasn't going to give up.
"Excuse me?"
"Ichijou, have you read the assigned amount of pages?"
"I…I read the whole book, sir." Mr. Chancy just looked at Ichijou with grief yet the young vampire couldn't bare the weight of his disappointed stare. His blue eyes would flicker from the book to the teacher, his lips pouting in a sad face. Soon Mr. Chancy gave up and eventually went back to the board, continuing his lecture.
But the rest of the class continued to flash curious looks at Ichijou. What's going on with you? They all said to him through their eyes. Get a hold of yourself!
Everyone looked at him. All except the one face he wanted. Shiki never turned around. Not once. Not for the pleasure or pain of Ichijou but either way, just seeing Shiki look at him would be worlds of pleasure because his eyes gave Ichijou hope. Yet it never happened.
As Mr. Chancey's voice continued on, Ichijou found it difficult to breathe. It felt like someone was clawing at his throat, clogging up his heart.
"Mr. Chancy!" Ichijou raised his hand abruptly without any concern that he rudely interrupted the teacher's lecture. "May I be excused?" He heaved while clutching at his throat.
"Don't stay out for too long, Ichijou." Ichijou didn't even thank Mr. Chancy. He flew out of the room causing a slight ripple of hushed whispers from the class. But Shiki continued to stare ahead.
"Shiki," Rima whispered as she turned around. "You must do something." Shiki remained silent.
After Ichijou ran out of the room, school life was back to normal. Zero was the only one who didn't care much about Ichijou leaving the room so quickly. He went back to reading his poems while also drawing a top hat in his notebook. They were only distractions from what he really wanted to think about.
I could have sworn that it was him on those stairs. He thought. I had to be and if I'm right than he wanted to come out. But why didn't he? Zero turned the page and read another poem. Usually poetry calmed him down but the words only seemed to excite him more.
And his face. When he explained to me about his parents and why he wanted to die, the truth wasn't all there. The rest of it still hides behind his mask. But for a moment, I saw it crack. I saw that glimmer of sadness which was dying to come out yet he hid it all away. What is he afraid of? What is he hiding?
"Death is white noise. It constantly circulates around us."
Death?! It was something that he wanted. Now that he's reminded about it he didn't want to come to school. Does he really want to be alone or was it for something else?
Than Zero's once calm eyes shot open.
What if he did it to finish it! He wanted to kill himself again!
"And so that explains the title of the…Mr. Kiryuuu! Sit down!" But Zero paid no attention to Mr. Chancey's booming voice. He boldly walked across the class, past the teacher's desk and stormed out of the room without any explanation. Even Shiki saw the whole thing and was just as startled as the rest of the class.
Meanwhile, Zero ran down the vacant halls and out of the school. It was still early in the night so if Kaname's eyes didn't close forever, he would still be up.
The worry of Kaname hung heavily down Zero's neck, causing the young vampire to tire easily as he ran to the Moon Dorms. But with each stride and within each huff of breath, he chanted the same phrase in order to revive himself with purpose.
I've got to save him!
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