Sirius looked around the room. By this point, a great many people were very drunk. Cho Chang, Neville, Ron, Professor Sprout and Professor Flitwick were all well on their way to oblivion, though as Flitwick was much smaller than everyone else, it wasn't really fair to compare him to the rest of those who couldn't hold their liquor. He was quite disappointed that Tonks also seemed to be part of this group – he had expected better of his cousin.

The rest of the Weasleys, while slightly tipsy, were holding their own remarkably well, especially Charlie, though Sirius supposed that when you work with dragons, you definitely need a good stiff drink more than once in a while. In fact, the majority of the people sitting at the table were only slightly (well, perhaps a little more than slightly) tipsy. He was particularly impressed with McGonagall, and grudgingly admitted that Snape, while not sober, wasn't more than slightly effected.

Miraculously, Harry still seemed sober, despite the enormous quantities of alcohol that he had imbibed. "It must be an Evans trait," muttered Sirius, "She never got drunk either."

Ron lifted his head from the table and slurred, "My turn then? I never had sex with Cedric Diggory… Wanted to, though… thought he was fine."

"He told me to take a bath," Harry shrugged as he drank, "I liked the prefect bathroom so much that I had a follow-up bath, too. The only turn-off was Moaning Myrtle." Myrtle, who just so happened to be passing through at the wrong moment began to wail,

"I was just coming to see if you wanted to share my toilet with me," she cried, "But I'll never share my toilet with you now!" she screeched vindictively.

"Myrtle, darling," Harry protested charmingly, "You know that I love spending time with you. It was one of the greatest honors of my life to be invited to share your toilet!" he lied bald-facedly.

Myrtle smiled coquettishly, which was actually quite frightening. "Really?" she sighed happily. She floated away humming love songs. "I'll be waiting for you, honey!"

Harry shuddered in relief as soon as she left, only to be bombarded by a venomously hissing Cho. "My boyfriend, my one true love – " she broke off sobbing, "slept with you?! He cheated on me?! He… I loved him with my entire heart, body and soul!" She wept tears of angered despair, and Neville valiantly jumped up to comfort her.

"That's how I love you, Cho!" Neville exclaimed.

"That's why you sought me out for comfort just two weeks after he died?" asked Harry cynically.

Cho shot Harry a vengeful look, then smiled at Neville through her tears. "Really?" Neville picked her up and twirled her around. She giggled. "Let's go somewhere else, Neville. Somewhere private…" she trailed off, giggling as Neville carried her bridal-style out of the room. Sprout followed them out, calling after Neville distraughtly.

"Just 'cause you're the boy-who-lived, you get to do everyone…" Ron's words were even more indistinct than before, "I wish Cedric had been interested in me… or Oliver Wood… but you did him too, didn't you?" He asked half-asleep.

"Yes," replied Harry unconcernedly. The only word distinguishable in Ron's response was "slut".

"At least I've never had to pay anyone for sex," Harry replied, slightly affronted. Ron missed his mouth with his glass.

"Fuck you, Harry," he muttered.

"Sorry, Ronnikins, I'm booked," Harry said sweetly.

The effort of trying to come up with a witty retort was too much for Ron, and he passed out. House-elves quickly popped in to grab him, and take him away.

Flitwick, who had been wavering unsteadily for quite a while now, fell off his chair and landed on his head with a thump. He righted himself shakily, then stumbled to lean on the door, which opened, just as he had rested his weight on it, to reveal Firenze. "Mars is bright tonight," observed Firenze.

"Firenze!" exclaimed Harry excitedly, "It's so wonderful to see you again. Especially on a night when Saturn is also so luminous!"

"Indeed," agreed Firenze, "And thy lovely visage is also so luminous in the rays of the ephemeral moonlight that I am made breathless by thine exquisite and angelic appearance." He embraced Harry in greeting, then began gesturing melodramatically. "Verily, thou art as the sky on a clear night, with stars of love as thine eyes, and thy raven black hair as the spaces between the stars. Thy complexion is as the Milky Way, thy attraction greater than that of a black hole. Thou shineth brighter than a supernova, and thy beauty will last forever in the memories of all. Thy light, dancing steps across the grass trouble it no more than a passing breeze, and thine – "

Snape broke in with a guffaw. "Your angel, as it were, is hardly that!"

Firenze turned to Snape angrily, "Sir, though I hesitate to call thou by that name, thou art the scurviest, slimiest, and ugliest rascal that I have ever seen in my years under the stars. Thou art uncouth and crass, and thine petty insults art unbecoming of any creature. Thou insultest the most breathtaking courtesan I have ever had the pleasure of seeing. Harry is the most wonderful being to ever grace this world with his presence, and I am deeply honored to be able to defend him from wretched pieces of scum like thou."

Albus laughed, "Oh, Severus, you got owned. Like, seriously owned, man!"

Everyone switched from staring at Firenze in bemused incomprehension to staring at Professor Dumbledore in utter incomprehension. "What?"

Dumbledore chuckled, "Never mind… muggle phrase… to go along with this most wonderful muggle custom!"

Firenze, irritated by this further interruption, said, "I have never seen such a sorry lot of drunken wizards as you in my entire life."

Everyone was surprised to have to drink to that. "We are," said George, "not a," said Fred, "sorry lot!" they finished together.

"Besides, the third year faculty party was much worse, at least in my opinion," said Lupin, "I learned quite a few things about my colleagues that I really never wanted to know." McGonagall blushed at this comment. "I suppose some of the revelations tonight trump that though," he finished.

Exasperated with the pointless interjections, Firenze gave Harry a passionate kiss, and said, "Goodbye, dear Harry, I shall be thinking of you always. I hope to see you again soon." He dropped a final kiss on Harry's hand, and trotted away.

Harry sat back down contentedly. "Now that is a loyal customer."

A/N: I know there's only one "I never" but I just had to have Firenze come in. And also, I know his speech is absolutely awful. It's supposed to be. I'm not quite that bad at Shakespeare impersonations…