Bill looked around the room. "Just out of curiosity," he began, "I've never been in a threesome."

Fred and George drank. "We already established that we do everything together… That includes Harry, Oliver Wood, Katie Bell and Angelina."

Harry drank. "Well, when Gabrielle Delacour came back to England last summer, she and Fleur expressed their heartfelt thanks for my saving Gabrielle during the Triwizard Tournament in a very congenial manner. Actually, now that I'm on the topic of the Triwizard Tournament, I remember that Hermione and Krum and I had a nice little ménage à trois going on. The papers actually weren't far off. They just didn't realize that it was Ron who was the jealous one. He even broke his little Krum figurine when he found out about it!"

"Wait," said Bill, "You slept with my wife?!"

"You just said that you didn't begrudge each other 'a little bit of fun on the side'," replied Harry.

"That's because I didn't think she had any!" responded Bill.

"Did you do all the Triwizard Champions?" asked Draco incredulously.

"Yes," replied Harry unconcernedly.

"Harry," said Draco slowly, "Who haven't you done?"

"I never did Flitwick!" he replied indignantly.

"He doesn't count! No one's done Flitwick!" Draco shot back.

"Or Ginny! Or Neville, or Percy, or Molly, or Arthur, or… ummm… McGonagall!" finished Harry triumphantly.

"You know, Potter, it's sad when it's faster to list those you haven't slept with than those you have," interjected Snape.

"There are other people I haven't slept with!" said Harry, "I mean, I'd never sleep with say… Dudley. Or Fudge. That's just gross." He paused. "Oh! And Pettigrew. Not him either."

"If you had to rate the people you've slept with," said Charlie, "who would be in the top three?"

"Hmm…" said Harry, "I'd have to say that my top three, in order, are me, Voldemort, Lucius."

"Where would you rank me?" asked Sirius.

"You were very good, Sirius. I'd put you in my top twenty-five," said Harry.

"You slimy bastard, you fucked your godson!?" exclaimed Snape.

Sirius smirked, "Where would you put Snivellus, here?"

"I have nothing to be ashamed about," sneered Snape.

"I didn't want to reveal this," said Harry to Snape before pausing dramatically, "… but you're not even on the chart," he finished to the rest of the room's delight.

Snape glowered at the room, red-faced. "Well at least I've never been desperate enough to sleep with a werewolf," he half snarled, half spat.

"But you were desperate enough to hire someone to sleep with you! If that's not desperate…" laughed Harry after he had taken his drink.

"That's very true," Sirius agreed with Harry after he had drunk, "and besides Snape, sleeping with a werewolf isn't an act of desperation. You just missed out. Again."

Snape, sensing that that night just really wasn't going well for him, decided to cut his losses and refrain from further comment. He began to plot his revenge upon Albus for forcing him to join this stupid Muggle ritual.

"I've never done it in the Hospital Wing," was the next 'I never', spoken by Charlie.

Fred and George drank, and so did Draco. "I'm an exhibitionist," he said in explanation. "We were… there," said the twins.

Unsurprisingly, Harry also drank. "For the amount of time I spent there, it was surprisingly late in happening. But there was a special bed reserved for me, for crying out loud! It even had both of our names on it! How much more blatant can you get?"

(The plaque had read "Harry Potter's bed, property of the Hogwarts Infirmary, in care of Poppy Pomphrey")

"Wait," said Lupin, as if just realizing something. He looked at Sirius accusingly. "You slept with your godson?"

"Finally, we agree on something," Snape muttered.

"This is the second time we've agreed on something," Remus replied distractedly, still glaring at Sirius.

"It's not like you haven't slept with him!" exclaimed Sirius. "Right, Harry?" he turned to the grinning Potter for backup.

Harry shrugged. "Yeah."

"But he's not my godson! What would James and Lily think!"

Sirius looked as if he had been slapped. Then he narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "Whatever they'd think about Harry and me, they'd think the same thing about you and Harry! At least, I know James would!" he paused. "I'm not too sure about Lily though. After all I never got her drunk enough to have a real… discussion… about it."

Lupin looked triumphant, "Lily didn't need to be drunk to discuss things with me. In fact, she was always quite eager. At one point during our school years, our discussions were very frequent."

Sirius scowled back at Remus petulantly. "Well, you've never done it with Tonks. I have."

"Me too," interjected Bill.

"So have I," said Harry, "but you probably knew that already." He gazed at Remus inquisitively, as if questioning a new concept. "Have you and Tonks really never done it? But you're married!" he paused, confused, "I thought that sex was a prerequisite of marriage?"

Lupin, looking extremely frustrated, snapped, "I'm working on it!" and stormed out of the room.