Bwaa hello, I finally got round to writing another chapter of this. If anyone is still reading this. Which they probably aren't. But anywayy... here it is. OH. Also, if you haven't read the REVISED chapter 3, please do as the previous one was quite literally crap.
Disclaimer: I own nothing since I am too poor to buy the rights to it and too thick to invent it!
Chapter 4 – Darling it's Better, Down where it's Wetter...
Elizabeth sank slowly to the bottom of the bay, her stupid child dress dragging her down. She didn't mind though. It was a good deal more exciting than listening to Norrington, pervert extraordinaire, ramble on about himself. She looked around the murky world she now inhabited. To the right there was a large shadow passing overhead, presumably a ship, and a large sapphire necklace sunk rapidly past her. "Odd." She thought. To the left there seemed to be some sort of fish party going on. A small crab was singing to some red-headed girl with a tail. "Odder." She thought. "The fish tail must be uncomfortable, not to mention unsightly. Oh well, mustn't be uncharitable to the unfortunate." She waved at them cheerily.
Suddenly, a new disturbance in the water became apparent. A man with long dreadlocks and dirty clothes was headed straight for her, violating her sinking space. Elizabeth looked up at him. "Hey! Find your own spot!" She shouted. Unfortunately, as we are talking the olden days here, so women were, as a rule, uneducated… she didn't realise at first this act could in fact kill her. She choked on forty tons of seawater and nearly passed out, flailing her arms in a slow-motiony, underwater-ish way. The flailing dislodged her stolen pirate bling, setting it free to terrorize the waters (within a foot of Elizabeth of course – it was still attached around her neck). Booming laughs emitted from the piece of jewellery and it started to send out sonic waves in all directions.
Oblivious to all this, Elizabeth panicked away, eventually falling into a temporary state of unconsciousness.
----
Back on the surface, Phillip and Merv were playing rock paper scissors. A steady gale was blowing around them, the ship they were on practically overturning as the huge waves cresting against it. Jets of water were blasting from the sea whenever an invisible wave of pirate bling power reached the surface. The wind howled, things flew off the shore into the water, boats overturned, people were swept out to sea…
The two guards clung onto the handrail of the ship. "One, two, three, GO!" Merv called, shooting a pair of scissors. Phillip had picked rock and promptly doffed Merv's scissors with his fist. "It's getting a bit windy don't you think?" He said nonchalantly. A horse sailed past them, running wildly in mid air. A man was still sitting on it, looking confused.
"Hmm. 'Spose." Replied Merv. "Double or nothing. One, two, three, GO!"
----
Jack sped towards his intended target, who ten seconds before seemed to be in no dire need of help. He sailed past her by about ten metres and then had to propel himself backwards with some difficulty to get level with her. By the time he reached her, she looked pretty much dead. Jack shrugged. He had come down her to do a job and damn it, that job he was going to do!
He grasped Elizabeth bodily under the arms and began to drag her upwards. Unfortunately, her stupid clothes were so heavy that he was just about making them hover in one place. He screamed curses inwardly, not outloud as he had more common sense than Elizabeth. He had just decided the only way to get them to the surface would be to remove some of the clothes, and was trying to think of what way to go about it when Elizabeth awoke from her unconsciousness.
She glared at Jack, and then fumbled around in her purse for a small notebook and a ballpoint pen. It would have been a fountain pen, but have you even tried to get those bloody things to work under water? Anyhow, she scribbled a note to Jack in flowery, cursive handwriting. "Who the bloody hell are you?" Jack sighed, rolled his eyes and gestured for the paper and pen. She handed it over reluctantly. He wrote slowly and carefully with his tongue sticking out the corner of his mouth. "I AM CAPTIN JACK. I AM SAVIN YOU YOU STOOPID GIRL." Jack wrote in blocky, misspelled script. Unfortunately, he had had even less of an education that Elizabeth, so it was the best he could do. Especially when they had been under water for ten minutes.
Elizabeth snatched back the book. "You aren't doing a very good job."
"TAKE YOUR BLOODY DRESS OFF."
"How dare you be so crude! I am a lady of wealth and propriety!"
"YOU COLD BE THE QUENE OF SHEBA FOR ALL I CARE. YOUR TOO HEVVY WITH IT ON."
"No!"
"COME ON. YOUR WEARING SIXTY LAYERS UNDERNETH ANYWAY."
"Well… I suppose… Don't watch. I said don't watch!"
"IM NOT LOOKIN!" Jack propelled himself one hundred and eighty degrees and waited until he saw the large poncey dress floating away mournfully beneath him. He turned himself around again and Elizabeth was floating sulkily in her shift and corset, her arms crossed protectively over her chest. Jack made some gestures towards the surface and grabbed her by the wrist. He swam quickly towards the surface, his reluctant cargo in tow. As they broke into the open air, he began to head for the nearest jetty and Elizabeth began to moan.
"Just look at me!" She cried. "In my underclothes! With my hair all ratty! Makeup running down my face no doubt. At least that damn dress is gone. What did you have to come and rescue me for? I was having a nice time down there. I was going to join in the fish party before you showed up. Flailing you arms around like a woman. Honestly."
"I think you'll find that was you." Jack mumbled, water splashing into his mouth. He spat it back out, hoping it was in Elizabeth's path. She went on obliviously to the fact that someone other than herself had spoken.
"…And it's bound to be cold when I get back on land. Why's there patio furniture in the water? And several people?" There was a clattering of Navy-issue boots and they realised that the Commodore and company were looning down from the fort.
"Oh ffff…iddle-sticks…" Jack said. Elizabeth emitted a small scream (which deafened several people in the surrounding area) and began looking for escape routes.
"Not Norrington again! Why? Why?? Quick, pretend I'm unconscious." She flung herself face-first under the water, bobbing back up again a second later.
Jack grabbed her by the hair just in time "You? Pretend you're unconscious? What about me, eh?? What am I meant to do?" Fortunately, Jack saw that at that exact moment the whole parade had stopped. One of the soldier's bootlaces had come undone and they were all pausing in order to help him tie it. Jack quickly swam the last few feet to dry land and shoved Elizabeth onto the decking. He then heaved himself onto it, sullen and dripping. The two guards galumphed onto the jetty just at the same time.
"Oh God! She's dead!" Phillip screamed, preparing to drown himself. "The Governor will kill us! We're all done for now!"
"She's not dead." Jack grumbled, wringing out his hair. "Just irritating."
Elizabeth cracked an eye open at him. "Hey. Don't get mouthy with me mister. Don't you know who I am?" She surreptitiously arranged herself into a more flattering position, showing just the right amount of leg and tilting her head to catch her best side.
Merv cleared his throat. "You know, er… corsets can be a very dangerous thing in this situation." He said. "Perhaps we should remove it… or something…" He waggled his eyebrows in a suggestive manner and looked hopeful.
"I've not fainted you perverted little man, I can hear you." Elizabeth hissed.
During this little conversation, Jack had dried himself out as best he could and was now preparing to do a runner. However, something caught his eye. He leaned down slowly and picked up the large pendant around Elizabeth's neck. It was about the size of a fist, in gaudy yellow gold with diamonds studded around the edges. The skull emblem in the centre (also picked out in diamonds) was mounted on a spinner, similar to those found on 50 cent's cars wheels. He spun it thoughtfully. "Where did you get this?"
"Oh she's faint, ever so faint; I think we should remove the corset…" Merv interrupted, hinting obviously. Phillip smacked him.
"Shut up." Jack growled, but before Elizabeth could make up some reasonably plausible story, the Navy arrived with a blaring of bugles and a shout of 'huzzah!'
Jack leapt up like a leaping salmon, grabbing his stuff from Merv as he did so. He jogged off with a jaunty wave and a yell of "Catch you later lads!" Unfortunately, he had not got five yards before his face was millimetres away from being impaled on a sword. "Ahaha…ha…ha…" He laughed nervously, staring in a cross-eyed way at the sword tip. "This is uncomfortable…"
Norrington, who was attached to the other end of the sword, shouted "Unhand my woman you cad!"
"I'm not touching her!" Jack said.
"How dare you befoul her with your grubby mitts?? As my fiancée she is mine to be manhandled and 'woofed' at until her dying day! You have no rights!" Norrington continued, waving the sword around in a poncey way, dangerously close to Jack's face. He could feel the little whooshes of air as it flew past his nose.
"I'm not your fiancé!" Elizabeth called from the floor.
"Hush my love! Do not speak! You are too faint! Perhaps we should remove your corset? Yes? Woof?" He wiggled his eyebrows at her and Merv nodded enthusiastically. Her dad was helping her up, wiping his hands at intervals on a soldier's tunic, as not to soil his hands or ruin his manicure. He debated giving her his coat as it was quite likely she might catch pneumonia. But it was one of his favourite ones, heavily embroidered with silver thread. So he didn't. She hurriedly tucked the medallion down her shift, with some difficulty as it was quite large, and grumbled about how her dad loved his clothes more than her.
"Do you mind moving your sword?" Jack asked politely, not taking his eyes off the end of it. "It's in my way."
"Ahaha! That's what you want me to do!"The commodore shouted triumphantly.
"Well… yes…"Jack was confused.
"You bounder! You scallywag!" Norrington ranted on, oblivious to everything except his never-ending spiel of victory.
"Look, mate. I've just saved your, ahem, 'woman' and now you're pointing that at me. I don't really get why." Jack was starting to get annoyed. He hadn't even wanted any of this trouble. Only wanted to innocently come here, steal a ship, get away. Not much to ask. And now this!
Norrington faltered for a second. "Well… you are… um… you…" He looked at his soldiers for back-up and shrugged.
A rather dim looking one suddenly got a look on his face that suggested a candle had just been lit in his brain. Not that his head was about to explode or something. Just that he had formed an unexpected and rare idea. "He has the look of a pirate about him, some might say." He said slowly. Jack was seriously expecting a sound like 'duurrr' to follow this sentence.
"Yes! You must be a pirate!" Norrington shouted, his vigour returned with even more ridiculous sword movements.
"Of course I bloody am. Is that illegal in your country?" Jack said sarcastically.
"It is actually." Phillip piped up.
"He does not admit to being a pirate!"Norrington said.
"Yes I do."
"A sure sign of guilt! We'll have to imprison him and find out who he is!"
"Captain Jack Sparrow, at your service."
"The only way to discover the identity of this elusive criminal!"
"I just told you my identity."
"Someone clap him in irons!"
Jack sighed. "Look, to be honest. You're a bit of a tosser really."
"Here here!" Elizabeth cried. She was the only one listening. Everyone else was either: A) trying to find some irons or B) find out what irons actually were.
Jack shook his head in disgust. "I'll just leave you to it." He said. "Have a nice life."
And with that he plopped his hat onto his head, slung his coat over his shoulder and strolled off down the docks humming 'Copacabana' to himself.