Chapter Title: Of Screwdrivers and Climactic Battles

Warnings: Grammatically correct crack, language, violence, WAFF

A/N: All plot is written by Ralmal, and all crack is written by Nekohime Kitsuya (Elemia). There's lots of dividers in this chapter...I went a little overboard.

Notes to My Reviewers:

Ralmal: Wow, Ralmal. Way to make it blatantly obvious as to who you are…

KatieSparks: YAY! Someone that I don't know reviewed for me! This maketh me happeh…HAPPEH :Happeh dance:

Previously:

"Okay, Sam," said Larie. "Tell us, who was that on the intercom?"

Sam, her eyes darting about suspiciously, said, "It was…Danny."

:Collective Gasp:

Ralmal, shocked beyond all belief, asked Sam, "Are you sure?"

"Yes," replied Sam, her eyes darting around suspiciously.

"She must be telling the truth!" cried the Celia.

"Can't you see the shifty eyes? She must be lying!" shouted the Lexa.

"Um…" mumbled the Celia, her eye sockets filling up with tears.

Ralmal smacked the Lexa across the head, screeching, "She can't see!"

"Oh…" he sighed, realizing his faux pas. A faux pas is a breach in etiquette, is it not?

"So," continued Ralmal, "where can we find Danny?"

Her eyes darting around the room suspiciously, replied, "I don't know…"

Elemia, tired of this, decided to play bad cop…only she got too into character. "TELL US OR I'LL TAKE OUT YOUR EYES WITH A SCREWDRIVER!" she cried.

"You don't have a screwdriver," said Sam. This, of course, was a completely rational statement, considering Elemia's current screwdriverlessness.

Unfortunately, the fourth wall was, again, broken.

"Then WHAT'S THIS, BITCH?" Elemia screeched angrily, as she pulled out a very sharp screwdriver.

"I'LL NEVER TELL!" cried Sam passionately.

"You asked for it then," replied Elemia coldly, as she tore out Sam's eyes with the screwdriver, leaving two gaping holes where before there had been eyes. Thanks to her surgical precision, however, neither Sam nor the Celia would be dying of blood loss anytime soon, considering that they were not bleeding.

"Blind!" cried Sam.

"There's a club for that," the Celia deadpanned. "It's called you and me."

Some time later…

"My eyes!" wailed Sam, refusing to just get over it.

"Elemia," said Ralmal, "what is with you and poking people's eyes out?

"I don't know…" said Elemia thoughtfully, her eyes darting around suspiciously.

It was at this moment that the bell rang, a horrible sound very similar to that of a truck backing up. This meant, of course, that the bells were broken, and they were getting fixed.

"Time for PE!" cheered Larie, who enjoyed the class very much.

"Time for PE…" sighed Ralmal, who rather disliked the class.

"Time for PE. I HATE THAT CLASS! I WISH IT WOULD…" the rest of Elemia's sentence was deleted by the authoress, for it consisted of very graphic violence.

Lexa walked away, saying "Bye, girls."

As soon as he was out of earshot, Elemia let out a heartbreaking wail: "NO! MY LOVE!"

"What the…" muttered Sam, who was still not used to the randomness.

"Er…it's nothing." Said Elemia, blushing.

Paulina, noting that they were swimming today, remarked, "I don't want to get my hair wet, it's ever so wonderful."

"Yes, it is," concurred Ralmal, as she sniffed Paulina's hair repeatedly.

"Um, can you stop sniffing my hair?"

"Oh, sorry," said Ralmal, her eyes darting to and fro suspiciously.

YAY, Gym Class…

Having changed into their bathing suits, the girls walked out to the pool.

Standing there was a figure nobody had ever seen. It was, in fact, Ms. G, a Honors Biology/AP Biology teacher from Amazon East. How she got to Casper High, nobody will ever know.

"I will be your gym teacher for today…Roll call! Ralmal?"

"Here!"

"Elemia?"

"Present!"

"Dannyelle?"

The Celia, hearing this unfamiliar name, said, "the who now?" But was ignored.

"Here!" said a person wearing a disturbing wig.

"Wait a minute," said Larie as she pulled the wig off said person, "it's DANNY FENTON!"

The other girls ran about screaming, "AAAH! A GUY! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" I am not even going to go into the implications of this.

"Wait," said the lead girl as the mob slowed chaotically to a halt, "did you say Danny? The Danny Fenton/Phantom?"

"Yeah, said Larie, "and the '/' was not necessary.'

Suddenly, the horde of girls became a horde of bloodthirsty fangirls. "GET HIM!"

"NOOO!" screamed Danny, as he jumped into the pool.

"I forgot! I can't swim!" he cried frantically, "I'm drowning!" Well, no shit, Sherlock…

Sam, suddenly alert, cried, "What's going on? I can't see!" This was obvious. "Is that my future husband…I mean, my best friend, screaming?"

"Yes!" affirmed Ralmal, a firm supporter of the Danny/Sam pairing.

"I'm coming, Danny!" shouted Sam, right before she tripped and fell in the pool, whereupon she screamed whilst drowning.

The Celia, confused, asked, "What's going on?"

All of a sudden, the Oresush flew in (that would be the Lexa, in a transformed state.). "my Sushi danger senses were tingling! Is anyone hurt?"

"Not yet," said Elemia dangerously, as she glared at the fangirls. Aforementioned fangirls then ran and cowered in the corner, as far from Elemia as humanly possible.

As he dragged Danny and Sam from the pool, the Oresush asked, "Who the heck are you?"

Danny transformed, stating, "I've been waiting for you, the Oresush."

"Danny Fenton/Phantom!" said the Oresush, gasping (after he said it, obviously).

"Stop with the '/'s!" shouted Larie, obviously ticked off.

Paulina let out a girly shriek. "Your splashing has ruined my hair!" but everyone ignored Paulina, except Ralmal, who mourned not having such perfect hair.

"I am Danny Fenton/Phantom!" Danny said, stating the obvious.

"Yes, Captain Obvious, I just said that." Said the Oresush, a bored expression on his face.

"Did I or did I not say no more '/'s?" said an even-more-annoyed Larie. But she, too, was ignored. Poor Larie and Paulina. It's not nice to ignore people, you know.

"Ah, where was I," said Danny, having forgotten a few things in the confusion.

"'I've been waiting for you, the Oresush.' You said it 8.3 seconds ago," said Elemia, pushing her glasses up like the geek she is inside.

"…Geek…" Ralmal whispered to Elemia.

"I'm not a GEEK!" cried Elemia dramatically, before resuming a more businesslike tone, "I'm the child of one of the founders of Polyubergeek. I even thought of the name…so there."

Pausing and blinking for about five seconds, she then added, "…Did I say that out loud?"

"Yes, you did," replied Ralmal, trying not to laugh hysterically.

"…Dang…"

"What in the heck is going on?" shouted the Celia and Sam at the same time.

"Oresush and Danny are about to fight," said Ralmal.

The DP characters walked to Danny's side of the pool, and the AE students walked to the Oresush's side, but Sam and the Celia just kind of sat there because they couldn't see which side was which…

Da Dash dramatically whined, "Larie, I love you, but I must join the animated side."

"Who are you again?" asked Larie as she walked away, but she received no answer.

Suddenly, Danny and the Oresush started fighting.

"What is going on?" asked the Celia.

Then, Sam asked, "What is going on?"

"I just said that," said the Celia.

"Uh, right," said Sam, shifting her eyes about.

Confused, the Celia asked, "I thought you didn't have any eyes. How can you do the shifty eyes thing?

Equally confused, Sam asked, "How can you see me shift my eyes?"

There was silence.

Erstwhile, their heads exploded from breaking the metaphor. No, I'm just kidding…they really didn't. What is that?

But anyways, back to the fight, because when there is a fight, who cares about the background characters? Am I right?

Because I haven't the DP knowledge to explain what was going on, suffice it to say that they were fighting, and it seemed that Danny was losing.

"Yes!" cheered Team Oresush jubilantly.

"NO!" wailed Team Phantom, equally dismayed as Team Oresush was jubilant.

"Hah," gloated the Oresush, "I do believe I have defeated the Danny. Sorry about this my love…"

Startled by the odd looks everyone was directing toward him, he hastened to add, "I mean…uh…"

But it was too late for him.

"WHATT?" cried Sam. "Back off, Oresush, or shall I say…the Lexa!" With that, she pulled out a device that steals ghost powers, and…stole his ghost powers, surprising everyone in the process, because she aimed it correctly… "Take THAT…"

With a little poof and a cloud of smoke, the Oresush disappeared and in his place stood the Lexa.

There was, of course, a collective gasp at this point.

"I losted my powers! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he cried, forlorn.

"Oh, I'm so sorry," murmured Elemia, laughing inwardly.

"Why are you laughing?" the poor ex-halfa sobbed.

"I'm…not…laughing…" she gasped in between fully audible giggles.

"…Yes, you are.'

Still laughing, Elemia said, "And I have no idea why!"

Suddenly, everyone's attention was drawn to the crowd by the pool.

"Uh…" moaned Danny. "I don't feel so good…"

"No!" cried Sam, "DON'T DIE! I CAN'T LIE WITHOUT YOU!"

"What?"

"I mean," she said, "I can't LIVE without you. There was a typo…"

Here, everybody paused to wonder why their heads weren't exploding, because SURELY she had just broken a metaphor…or two…metaphorically speaking, of course.

"AAAAAWWWWW…" squealed Ralmal, "This goes off the cheesy meter."

Ignoring her, Danny inquired, "Are you saying what I think you're saying?"

"Yeah…I love you…" whispered Sam.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" cried Ralmal, lost in the fluffly WAFF of the moment…

…Which was broken by Larie, as she commented, "I have no 'aw's for romance."

Ralmal gasped. "How could you?"

"This is not the best time," remarked Danny, "seeing as I'm going to die in about…" Wordlessly, he gestured to Elemia.

"Nine point two seconds." She said.

"Actually, it was more like nine point one seconds." Interjected the Lexa.

"You're so smart," Elemia squealed, using her infamous anime-style heart-eyes.

"STOP THAT" screeched the Lexa, like the little girl he felt like sometimes.

"DON'T DIE!" sobbed Sam, still hunched over the form of the boy she had just confessed her undying love for.

"I feel like it," said boy responded.

"WHAT!" she screeched.

"I'm not really Danny Fenton/Phantom" he replied.

Everyone wheeled around, screeching, "WHAAAT!"

The figure who looked exactly like Danny transformed into…A WOMAN!

She, that is to say, the woman, said, "I am the Principal of AE! (hereafter referred to as either 'the Principal' or 'Ms. Noto.' Not, of course, to be confused with 'Moto.')"

The DP characters just looked at her blankly.

She sighed. "That's Amazon East, dearies."

"Oh." They said before assuming generic expressions of surprise.

"Where's Danny?" Sam demanded angstehly.

The Principal smirked evilly. "Oh, you'd like to know, wouldn't you?"

"Yeah, because she loves him," said Ralmal, (un)helpfully.

"SHUT UP RALMAL!" cried Sam.

"NEVER!" she cried back."

Ignoring them all, the Principal said, "I need one more character, and that's Tucker…If you give me him, I'll give you Danny." Pausing for a second, the Principal squealed, "And then my poster collection will be complete!"

"DEAL!" cried Sam.

"NO DEAL!" shouted Larie, "I love Tucker…we can't turn him in…"

"Yes we can!"

"NO!" screamed Larie, glaring at Sam.

Sam returned the glare in full.

The bell rang, the Larie and Sam were too busy glaring to notice.

"Time for lunch," murmured the Celia.

"All of you are stuck in this school until 3:26 PM. And once that time comes, all the Danny Phantom characters are toast, and the AE students are my slaves!" cackled the Principal, a crazed gleam in her eye.

"Oh yeah?" countered Ralmal, "you and what toaster?"

As the Principal held one up, she said, "Oh…that one."

The Principal then transformed to her very own ghost form. "It's now 11:45 AM. Enjoy your last hours of freedom." Then, she flew out a conveniently placed window.

The crickets, distant cousins of those in the Lexa's basement, began to chirp. It wasn't even noon yet! Indeed, it was only 11:45...OH!

Bored and hungry, Ralmal asked, "Who wants to go for pizza?"

"Time to take out Team Phantom…" said Elemia evilly. (A/N: Who thinks Elemia is more of a villain than the Principal? You, you and uh…you, you're right.)

The Lexa said, "You mean out to eat?" This was logical. But who knows what happens in the AU s, eh?

"No, I mean take them OUT – screwdriver style!" she said, grinning sadistically as she pulled out a bloody screwdriver.

"Run AWAY!" cried the leaderless Team Phantom as they did so.

"Now why do you suppose that happened?" asked Elemia, putting on one of her 'innocent child' faces.

In the Lunchroom…

"Ohmylord, I have no powers…" lamented the Lexa.

Laughing at him, Larie commented, "Nice, Einstein."

The Celia fell over laughing at the Lexa's predicament.

Clearing her throat imperiously, Ralmal said, "We have more important things to worry about…"

"You mean how Ms. Noto is going to make us her slaves?" said Elemia, worried.

"No," said Ralmal, shocking them all, "I mean like how lunch has started AND I DON'T HAVE PIZZA!"

"Indeed," said Elemia, "this is a worthy challenge."

"MY POWERS!" the Lexa wailed…with angst.

"Shut up." This was Larie.

"Did you know," the Lexa said randomly, "I read once in a magazine that there are subliminal messages in video games, and if you say the codeword 'amulet' in front of a gamer, then they will become all violent? Let's test it, eh? AMULET."

"Bad idea," said Ralmal, as Elemia stiffened. As Elemia's eyes turned blood red and began to glow, Ralmal continued, "She's a gaming addict, or didn't you know?"

"I'm beginning to question the…" but he was cut off as Elemia pulled out a screwdriver.

"Anyways," Ralmal said leisurely, "I'm going to go get some PIZZA."

Elemia returned to normal before collapsing from chakra depletion (NARUTO REFERENCE.)

The Lexa, who had not been killed, miraculously, said dazedly, "What happened?"

"Forgot to read up on the off switch, huh?" Ralmal said in a superior tone of voice.

"MY POOR EGO! STOP STABBING IT ALREADY!"

As she woke up, Elemia whined, "Cute or not, the Lexa, you should be shutting up now."

"Shutting up" he said, as he did so.

"Hey, It's on you, Lexa," said Ralmal as she brought in a box of pizza.
"What?"

"Dig in, everybody! …And, Lexa, it's 45 dollars."

"WHAT?"

"Plus tax."

The Lexa sighed. But he wanted pizza too, so I guess it was ok.

"I can't eat this," whined Sam, " it's sausage! THE MEAT! IT BURNS!"

"I love this, but I have to watch my figure…it's filled with grease." Larie remarked.

Unnerved by the weird looks everybody was giving her, she said exasperatedly, "the pizza, not my figure."

Everybody resumed eating then, having solved the mystery…except for Larie.

"Just eat the pizza already!" said Ralmal.

"Hey Larie," said Elemia, "Why are you going all Paulina with the figure?"

"Uh…" Larie was pretty much speechless.

Celia, having eaten one and a half pieces already, "This is good."

There was a collective silence, which was broken by Ralmal. "That last line was not necessary."

"I want my powers!" whined the Lexa, who was still not letting go, "maybe we should team up with Team Phantom after all."

"GREAT IDEA!" cried Ralmal excitedly.

"Why so happy, oh Ralmal?" said Elemia.

"You guys are boring. I mean, I want to talk to Paulina and share hair tips."

"Your hair is fine." Said Larie.

"I know."

"You're supposed to say 'thank you.'"

"Thank you to my parents who gave me nice hair…'

"Why I…Elemia, give me your screwdriver."

"I lost it!" Elemia cried. "I lost my precious Tsubaki-kun!"

At everyone's blank stares, she whined, "I name them, alright? wAAh…Poor Tsubaki-kun, what will I do without you?"

The Celia and Sam cheered, "YES!"

"Okay," said the Lexa, "let me call Paulina and tell her to bring everyone in."

"That won't be necessary," said an oddly-familiar mysterious voice.

"Jazz, is that you?" guessed the Celia.

"Yes," said the newly-revealed not-so-mysterious voice, "with the rest of the DP cast, plus TUCKER!"

"Hey," Tucker greeted.

"Heeeeeeeeeeeey…" said Larie, anime-style heart-eyes aglow.

"Who are you?" asked Tucker. This is irony, is it not?

"I knew you guys would decide to team up to save my baby brother…Who sleeps with a teddy bear." Said Jazz maliciously. "It was my teddy bear. He stole it from me!"

"My future husband?" asked the Lexa.

"WHAT?" screamed Sam.

"Pretend you didn't hear that."

"Oh, ok."

"Anyway," Jazz said intelligently, "I already have a lead on where the bear-sleeping kid is. He's in…Amazon East.

The Amazon East students gasped.

"When will I get my powers?" asked the Lexa.

"I don't know," replied Jazz. "We're not far enough in the story yet. Let's go!"

So saying, they jumped into Jazz's car, which could not only withstand the Principal's shield of DOOMY DOOM, but could also seat all of them and had good mileage.

They drove through a purple portal that appeared in the middle of the street. 'Twas random.

A few minutes later…

"Hey," said Ralmal, "were in the Auditorium at Amazon East…"

"Home of the Deadly, Bloodsucking Cobras!" chirped Elemia helpfully, "Ph34r U5."

"Sam's future husband is in…The science wing." Said Jazz, reading off her laptom.

"ARGH! WHY DOES EVERYONE KNOW MY DREAM?"

"What dream?" asked the Celia. But she received only a nonchalant "Nothing…nothing…" for her trouble."

The bell rang.

"To the science wing," Jazz said monotonously.