Chapter Title: Freshman Survivor…and CAKE!
Warnings: Grammatically-correct Crack, AU, OCs, Language, Violence, Ego-stabbing
A/N: Yes, this chapter includes the VERY FIRST mention of cake in the whole story, except for the title.

Also, we have the Cloud Song by spookydoom…I AM NOT SPOOKYDOOM, AND THUS I DO NOT OWN THE CLOUD SONG. I do, however, think she is a genius, and so I give her credit for the song…which I love. I'll stop ranting now. The original Cloud Song can be found at:

www deviantart com/view/22451106 (replace the spaces with periods)

or

do a Google search for 'cloud song' and click on the very first link.

Previously:

"And Ralmal is next," the Principal said as malevolently as she could, which was, in comparison to Elemia, very, very pathetic.

Ralmal gasped. "What do you want from me?"

Randomly, the Principal peered over her imaginary glasses at her list…which was on a clipboard…a CLIPBOARD! Those things are spiffy. "Oh, wait, no…Paulina is next, my mistake."

"At least I have my eyes," began Paulina, "and my almost flawless skin…and…" she continued in such a vein for a while…nobody really cared…

Except Andrew, who was staring at her adoringly.

"OH PLEASE DON'T TAKE MY ALMOST FLAWLESS SKIN!"

"Nope," said the Principal, "even better…"

SUSPENSE!
"What is THAT?" asked Ralmal.

"I'm taking…your mad violin playing skills!" declared the Principal self-righteously.

"What mad violin playing skillz?" laughed Elemia, whilst Ralmal and the Celia rolled about in peals of laughter.

"Ah, yes," muttered the Lexa, I do believe she did poorly."

"Her violin skills are only defeated in mediocrity by her counting skills…" said the Celia.

"Oh, I agree," said Mr. Cats, reappearing once again, "it was one-e-and-a two-e-and-a, not one-e-and-uh two-e-and-us."

"What's the difference?" asked a confused Paulina.

The Celia huffed and said, "Wll, the first is 'a' and the second is 'uh'…it's like the difference between Uggs and boots!"

"I love Uggs," sighed Paulina, "but I rather dislike boots."

"Uh…" said Andrew, "Me too!" Aside to the Lexa, he asked, "What in the heck is an Ugg?" but the Lexa refused to answer. Really, someone as smart as Andrew should already have known. But he didn't.

"What is THAT?" asked Ralmal (again).

The Principal dropped down from the ceiling (which she was standing on…why? Because she wanted to, of course) and stole Paulina's violin playing skills. "I feel barely talented NOW!" she cried in her jubilee.

"Barely is right…" muttered Elemia.

"And next is…Andrew!" the Principal shouted…gleefully.

"OHNOTMYINFERNALINTELLIGENCE!"

"You are too smart for your own good," declared Elemia, "Idiotic 6.66 GPA."

"Six point six repeating!" he shouted back.

"Ha," crowed the Lexa, "now I will be smarter than you!" But the inflation of his ego was ignored, even though it was a threat to the security of the nation.

The Principal hopped back up to the ceiling. How? She had replaced the tiles in the ceiling with the soft Velcro stuff. Then, all she had to do was put the sharp, pointy Velcro stuff on her very fashionable, extremely uncomfortable high-heels. See? Instant ceiling walking. Warning: Prolonged usage may lead to headaches.

Anyways, she then went all vampire and sucked the smarts out of the Andrew's brain.

"One plus one equals fish," Andrew declared, his eyes crossing a little.

"Yes!" squealed Paulina, "I'm now smarter than my boyfriend," since when was Andrew Paulina's boyfriend? Sometime before this, obviously. "I'm closer!" she continued, "One plus one equals two and a half."

"Now, who's next?" mused the Principal, "The Celia!" she announced. "Hmm…I will take your sense of humor!" So saying, she sucked out the Celia's humor, vampire style…from the ceiling.

"Ha…ha…" the Celia said in a monotone voice.

"What do you want from ME?" asked Ralmal selfishly.

"I'm not sure yet. From Sam, I want…oh, dang it…I wanted her purple eyes. Here, Danny, you can have yours back."

"What's wrong with my eyes?" asked the eyeless one (not Paulina).

Sam took Danny's eyes and gave him two oranges.

Danny thanked Sam and popped them into his eye sockets. "Why is everything so orange?" but everyone ignored him…Poor Danny…cursed to forever see orange. Woe. Angst.

"I fail to see the humor in that," said the Celia.

"On second thought," muttered the Principal, "maybe your humor isn't good enough…I'll take Olivia's humor.

Suddenly, Olivia, the dark-skinned girl from the previous chapter appeared to shout, "I BROKE MY PENCIL!" Want to know more about Olivia? Do a Author Name search for 'Kitsama.' She's a comic genius. "Wait a second…what am I doing here?"

Before Olivia knew what was happening, the Principal went all stealystealy.

Suddenly, the Principal's eyes grew wide as she sang, "My name is Cloud…I have a sword…"

"Hey, I know this song!" cried Elemia joyously.

"I fight cactuars…because I'm bored…" they sang together.

"Me too!" shouted Annie, running in from…outside.

"I like to ride…on chocobos…" they sang in chorus.

"I hate this song," muttered the Lexa. This was the truth, because he sat where he could hear them when they sang in Biology class.

"Yes," said Elemia, "I love you too."

"What?" he asked, but he was ignored…

…For they continued! "It's better than…having afros…"

"This song does not seem funny!" lamented Olivia.

Ralmal looked shocked. "She really DID take your sense of humor." And lo, this too was true, for Olivia was the first to introduce them to this song, and she usually took much glee in its humor.

"And when I go…into an inn…"

"HATE THIS SONG" ranted the Lexa.

"Deal with it," said Elemia, before she launched into the next line.

"Fifteen seconds…it's day again…"

Suddenly, Elemia ran and amazon-glomped the Lexa.

"What as that for?"

"I have no idea…"

"And I will use…a phoenix down…"

"This song is loooong…" said Ralmal.

Annie turned and replied, "That's just because we pause to put in more comedy."

"I STILL don't get it," sobbed Olivia.

"So when I die…I will not frown…"

Suddenly, Dana, the last of the middle-of-the-row-group appeared…and she was currently the only natural blonde. I see your roots, Dash! I see them! "Time for the damn bridge…I hate this song…"

"BECAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUSE I AM CLOUUUUUUUUD…"

"I know this line," muttered the Lexa…before he joined in…

"MY HAAAAAAIIIIIR DEFIES ALL GRAVITY!"

"Is the Lexa singing?" asked a rather confused (and amused) Ralmal.

"I'll stop now…I can't remember the rest, anyway."

"AND IIIIIIIIII CAN'T HAVE TOO MANY POTIONS…"

"Still failing to see the humor," said Olivia.

Dana nodded and said, "Me too."

"Me eleventyfive," agreed Andrew.

"Woah…" said Elemia, amazed at such a number.

"OR IIIIIIII MIGHT GET CAVITIES!"

"Ah, the bridge has ended," sighed Dana, waiting for the end.

Ralmal said, "Thanks for the update."

"If I can't slice you…then that's ok…"

"I can't see Jake…" said the Celia.

"I can't see the Celia," said Jake.

The group of singing females was, indeed, singing in a line, blocking their views. Poor Jake. Poor the Celia.

"Get over it…What's WRONG with you?" asked Ralmal, sick of their staring.

"I'll use my magic…anyway…"

"Is it over yet?" asked the Lexa.

"Nope," said the Principal, happily trampling over his hopes and dreams.

"I will defeat…that Sephiroth…"

"Running out of jokes, dammit!" muttered Elemia angrily.

"Because he's not…David Lee Roth!"

"You know…" began Annie, "It would be a lot funnier if…"

"…if we knew who David Lee Roth was," finished Elemia, "…and Lexa…"

"…You should get over…"

"….Your anime-hating," they finished together.

Annie then said, "It's really getting on…"

"Our nerves," said Elemia.

Ralmal said, amused, "You are finishing each other's sentences? What is THAT?"

Five minutes later…

"I HATED IT! OH MY GOSH, IT WAS SO LAME…" shouted Ralmal…

"It's okay," said Elemia, "I hate you too."

"Thank you…hey, wait a minute…"

The Celia interrupted their conversation randomly… "This HAS to have a plot! The stealing stuff form people didn't work!"

"Why is everything so…ORANGE!" cried Danny. Then he took out the oranges, only to see Ralmal's neon orange EHE (East Helps Others) shirt. "AAAAAAAAH! MY EYES!" He then stuck the oranges back.

"I HAAAAAAAAAAAATE THIS STORY," whined the Lexa, "IT'S GOING NOWHERE! WE NEED TO HAVE A WEASEL'N PLOT…"

"I will think of one," said Ralmal, retreating to the Trusty Corner of Creativity ™

Waiting…
"I'm back," said Ralmal, walking into the light.

Everyone looked at Ralmal earnestly, waiting for a plot.

"I got nothing…" she said.

"BOOOOOOOOOOOO!" shouted everyone, throwing things at Ralmal…but inside they were all hiding their pain…

"Hey!" shouted a rather annoyed Ralmal.

Paulina asked, "Andrew, why are you so stupid?"

"Uuuh…."

Elemia turned to the Principal. "Why can't you just leave us alone?" she cried.

"I can't leave you alone until everyone has a pairing and you confess your love for the Lexa."

"Not gonna happen."

"Then get used to it, sweetie."

"…" Elemia silently seethed with anger.

"I REFUSE TO BE PAIRED WITH ANYONE" declared Ralmal.

"Fine," said the Principal, "you're an exception to the rule."

"OOOOOOOOOORRRRRRAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNGEEE!" shouted Danny…but he was ignored!

"I need to organize my English binder!" announced the Lexa. He then started taking things out of his overlarge backpack.

"Uh-oh…" murmured Ralmal and Elemia together, knowing the peril such a declaration could cause.

"Hm…" he said, digging through piles of junk.

"Could take a while, neh?" asked Elemia.

"Yeah," said Ralmal, "go stare at him or something."

"Maybe I WILL!" Elemia responded huffily, turning to stare…

The Celia asked, "What's she staring at?"

SUSPENSE!
"What's with that?" asked Ralmal.
SUSPENSE AGAIN!
"Give me your English binder," ordered Ralmal. She then proceeded to draw ponies and flowers on it with a sharpie.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! YOU HAVE CONTAMINATED MY PBJ!"

"Peanut Butter and Jelly?" asked Larie.

"What's with THAT?" asked the Celia.

Ralmal, offended at their ignorance, said, "Don't you understand, it's Portfolio Binder Journal."

"I don't get it…" muttered Larie.

"You don't get anything…" deadpanned Ralmal.

"Thank you! …wait…."

Suddenly, Paulina screamed, "I NEED TO HAVE A PLOT! IF THERE IS NO PLOT THEN I AM GOING TO KILLZORS ALL OF YOU!"Yes, she did say killzors. What, haven't you ever wanted to say it?

There was a collective silence…for no apparent reason.

"OH MY GOSH I JUST THOUGHT OF SOMETHING…" declared Ralmal, "Principal, finish pairing everyone up so you can leave, and then I will announce my plan!" And everyone ignored her evil voice, of course.

"Ohkay! Here are the pairs…" The Principal then pushed a big red button marked 'Apocalypse.'

Read the following bolded type in a creepier announcer voice.

GoooooooOD Morning Amazon East High School! Today is Apocalypse Day, 2006. Please RISE for the list of pairings.

Everyone promptly sat down.

The pairings are as follows:

Danny/Sam

Andrew/Paulina

Jake/theCelia

theLexa/Elemia

/Larie

/Olivia

/Dana

/thePrincipal

/Annie

GuyX/Ralmal

Further pairings and characters to be added later!

Those were today's daily announcements, and…it's SNOWING!

"Not really," said Elemia, laughing. After all, it was May. Why the heck would it be snowing?

"Who was I paired with again?" asked the Lexa, even though he probably already knew.

"Nevermind," said Elemia, blushing a new shade of pink.

Ralmal sang out, "I GET TO BE MAAAAAAAATCHMAKER!"

"Whaa?" asked the Celia.

"Nope, nothing, didn't say ANYTHING at ALL." But if you could see into Ralmal's mind, you would see a little chibi-Ralmal dancing around singing, 'Yes! Yes!'

"I suddenly and instinctively believe you," the Celia said gullibly.

"I want no matchmaker," said the Principal, "I am the head matchmaker, and Ralmal is my trusted employee."

"Wait," began the Lexa, "you were working for the Principal? ALL THIS TIME?"

"Well," said Ralmal, her eyes darting to and fro suspiciously, 'not all this time…just from two hours ago when we were negotiating on how to pair everyone up.

Olivia and Dana said, "We don't WANT pairings. We're OUT of here. BUT WE WILL BE BACK FOR RANDOM STUFF!" And so, they left…through the window.

"My life is complete!" rejoiced Andrew, finally realizing what was going on.

"My boyfriend is so stupid…" muttered Paulina.

"Who are you?" asked Andrew.

"I though I was with Da Dash," said Larie, "we're both athletic jocks."

The Principal slapped her (own) forehead and said, "Oh yeah, I forgot about that. Ralmal, how come you did not remind me?"

"I forgot," said Ralmal.

"Okay, so Larie and Da Dash. How about Annie?"

"She's dead weight."

"We'll let her hang out anyway…what damage can she do?"

"True," agreed Ralmal.

"Thank you…Hey, wait a minute…!"

Ralmal drowned out Annie's complaints (and threats) by shouting, "NOW, FOR THE CHALLENGE!"

"Wait," complained the Celia, "I thought you said that once you pair everyone up we can leave…"

"About that," said Ralmal, giggling, "we lied."

Everyone then began to whine and complain…loudly…but they shut up soon afterwards out of curiosity…what was the challenge?

-

Ralmal cleared her throat imperiously and said, "You have to switch bodies with your pairing, and whoever lasts the longest without going mentally crazy wins their freedom!"

"And the others…?" asked Danny.

"TOO LATE!" yelled the Principal, pressing the apocalypse button again.

…but nobody switched.

"Oops…" said Ralmal, "Now where did I put that button?"

Elemia whined, "But switching bodies is just wrong."

"Like, every move I make is like molesting Paulina," said Andrew, his eyes lighting up with nasty thoughts.

"I TOLD you he was a pervert!" shouted Annie.

"Eeeeeew…..Wait, I have the button!" shouted Ralmal, jubilant and creeped out at the same time.

Suddenly, Tucker walked in. "Anybody know where the bathroom is?"

"I love you, you are better than that weasel…" said Annie, looking at him adoringly.

"I love you too…who are you again?"

"I think we found another pairing," announced Ralmal.

"I found the button!" shouted the Principal, "it's on my belly button!"

There was a collective silence. Truly, that was too weird for words.

She then pressed the button with an evil cackle…much like the Wicked Witch of the West.

Body Switching…Muahaha…

"I'm in a skirt…" said Danny, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!...even though it makes me feel quite pretty…"

Elemia said, "Suddenly, I feel so much smarter…"

"I have flawless skin!" cheered Andrew, "YES!"

Ralmal sighed irritably and said, "For the record, it is ALMOST flawless…"

"Oh, right…the mole…"

"I feel less intelligent than I did before," muttered the Lexa.

"Oh, THANKS," said Elemia.

"Come and place your bets!" shouted the Principal, dressed in a spiffy uniform (use your imagination…)

"Bets?"

Suddenly, the door opened and a crowd of people walked in.

"I bet $80.78 that the Celia and Jake will win!" shouted Olivia, back for random stuff.

Dana, back for the same reason, yelled, "I bet $1.89 that Elemia and the Lexa will win!"

"Yay…" muttered Elemia and the Lexa unenthusiastically.

"I bet $64.01 that Annie and Tucker will win…" said a random guy who Elemia thought looked rather familiar…

"Have we met you before?" asked Annie/Tucker. Indeed, they are but one entity now…but not really.

"My money's on Andrew and Paulina," said the Principal, "that is to say, that is what I WOULD say if I actually had to pay money to bet."

"I don't have to pay either," said Ralmal, "but my 'money' is on Sam and Danny. I even joined the D/S club, you know."

"No one bet on us…" Larie remarked to Da Dash.

"I bet $6,000 that you guys will win," said Mr. Cats.

As Larie cheered (enthusiastically), Da Dash asked, "Why did you put the comma after the six?" but nobody cared.

"I bet six cents that they will all go crazy…" said Kaity, a girl from their Honors Biology clss.

"Wow," said Ralmal, "that would be sad…"

"All people who bet – to the booth!" announced the Principal. "Ready…set…"

From here on, the use of your imagination is strongly encouraged. It's almost MANDATORY, it's so strongly encouraged. Just USE your IMAGINATION, DAMMIT!
GO!
In the…pit? Well, not in the booth, anyway…

Everybody was picking through giant wardrobes that contained the clothing of the person they switched bodies with…like shirts and pants and skirts and dresses…not that, you sickos…clear your minds!

"I love my wardrobe!" declared the Celia, and she did. What is that?

In the booth…

"YES!" cheered Olivia.

"…for now…" cackled Ralmal. Oddly, nobody heard. But if they did hear, they didn't care.

Back to the…uh…the other place…ooh! Maybe it's a coliseum!

"I rather dislike your taste in clothing…" remarked Elemia (in the Lexa's body, but she still had her own voice, as did everyone else…their OWN voices, not hers…), "always cross-country stuff or music-related. Is there no variety?"

"Oh, look," replied the Lexa (in Elemia's body), "black…black…black…grey…black… black…blue…black/red…black…red…"

"I LIKE black!"

"I like cross-country and music," he countered smugly.

In the booth!

"Not the greatest start," said Ralmal, comforting a sobbing Dana, "but it's sure to turn around…you won't lose your almost-two-dollars…"

"Meh," said Dana, "It was only a dollar and some, anyway." Bipolarness!

"Thanks!" shouted a very sarcastic Elemia from the…wherever the heck they were.

In the…is it an arena?

Celia did some fakeish wanna-be-ninja moves and turned into a dragon. A fuschia one. You know, the color that's not quite purple, but isn't quite pink? That color. "Uh…What is this…?"

"Uh…" muttered Jake frantically, before he began trying to feed her some story…some really fake story…

"I feel like spouting bad catchphrases, puns, and fires!"

"ZOMG PEOPLE CAN'T REMEMBER THIS!" shrieked Jake girlishly before he began to babble.

"Man…this sucks…" murmured the Celia.

Sam then suddenly went all ghosty-like and said, "Hmm…I can see why Paulina liked this better than Danny Fenton…"

Upon hearing her statement, Danny went all emo…no, not really. But he did sulk a little. "MAN! That ain't cool…"

"Nice wanna-be gangsta talkin…man," said Su, strolling in casually through the door.

This part is an extremely retarded attempt at poking fun at modern 'ghetto' culture…

"Choo here fo?" asked the Principal.

"Yo, da Iranian bika chik is heyuh to place a bet on dis crud. J00 wanna stop me, punk?"

"Yo…get jo Iranian behind out of this place…"

Suddenly, Ralmal ran in and screeched, "GOT A PROBLEM WITH PERSIANS?" thus breaking the theme of the conversation. "Oops…" but it was ok.

"Ah'm from da south-side…still wanna mess wit me, bitch?" said Su, starting from where she left off.

"Bring it."

Randomly, Su pulled out her cell phone. "Ayah, we got some punk dissing us over here…mHM…bring the machete."

"Oh…shit…"

Keep up that imagination!

Oh, look, the booth has merged with the place, transforming the whole thing back to the English classroom! Oh, what magicks occur!

"I don't even know who the heck you are…" began Ralmal, "but I embrace you as my fellow Persian." She didn't actually, you know…embrace embrace her, but the gesture was kind…and racist.

"I'm confused," said Su, "aren't you Paulina?"

"No, she's over there," Ralmal replied, pointing into the…place.

"Okay, here she is. Bring in the mole remover."

"WHAT?" screeched Paulina, "I'm not in my right body! Why are you taking my mole away?"

"Ma'am," replied Su, speaking to the body that belonged to Andrew (IMPLICATIONS ALERT!...but not really, Andrew's more masculine than that. Su just knew about the switch…thing…yeah, the more I say this, the less likely it sounds…) "I've got to remove that mole. It is a threat to the United nations."

Everyone gasped…dramatically.

"Is it going to hurt?" asked Andrew in Paulina's body.

"Yes, very much so."

"I'm glad I'm not in my body," muttered Paulina.

"Paulina!" shouted Andrew, "Have you no shame?"

"Indeed," replied Paulina, "I have no shame."

"Why do I like you?"

"I think I'm going to win…" said Kaity.

Enraged, the Principal shouted, "I'm going to LOSE! I knew shallow people don't change…"

"Hold the machete," began Su, "I'd like to place my bets."

"Oh, yeah," asked Ralmal, "on who?"

"I'm with Kaity," she replied, as she and Katie bowed to one another, "You will all kill each other."

"This is just like Saw 2…" whispered Larie.

"Is that even out yet?" asked Elemia.

Suddenly, the Celia began spitting out fire. "Dammit, how do I control this freakish body?"

"Thanks for calling me a freak…" sniffed a suddenly depressed Jake.

"Aww…I didn't mean it…"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWW" squealed all Jake/Celia fans as they hugged. Jake hugged a dragon. How does one do this?

Meanwhile…

The Lexa, (Elemia's) face contorted into a skeptical look, said, "Remind me again what's going on?"

"I want to go shopping!" squealed Elemia, jumping up and down excitedly…which looked weird in the Lexa's body, let me tell you…but it also seemed kind of…natural?

"And I have to go because…"

"So I can see what different outfits look like on me!"

"Not EVEN going to go into the implications," interrupted Ralmal.

"That was MY line, you know," the Lexa whined, but Ralmal had already skipped away. Yes, skipped.

As Elemia snapped her fingers, the Lexa's outfit changed into…a floor-length black skirt and a formal white shirt.

"I never did like those concert outfits…" mused Elemia.

"Like, I mean COME ON!" shouted the Lexa, still in Elemia's body (in case you forgot), "this skirt is SO ugly…"

"See, he's getting it!" Elemia whispered to Ralmal.

"What is THAT?"

"I WILL be glad when this is over," cried the Lexa in the midst of his identity crisis. "I WILL…" he then ran around sobbing for a while.

Julia returned (was in 1st chappie, ehehe…) to sigh, "It takes a manly man to wear a skirt…"

"Back off he's MINE," snapped Elemia…then, a confused look on the Lexa's face (which she was wearing), she added, "Plus, he's in my body…does that count?"

"ALEX," said Julia in a loud voice, "YOU ARE NOW OFFICIALLY A MANLY MAN!"

"His name is the Lexa," said an affronted Elemia.

"What kind of a name is that?"

"Good one, Julia," said Ralmal, giving Julia a high five.

"Thank you."

After the long silence, Larie said, "That last line was not necessary."

There was a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" called the Principal.

A mysterious Voice said, "I'm from the Island of Ithaka." WHICH I DO NOT OWN

Everyone who was NOT in Honors English cried, "What the weasel?"

Everyone IN Honors English replied, "From the Odyssey." WHICH I DO NOT OWN

"Oh…" muttered the people in the first group.

"Who are you?" asked Ralmal.

The Voice replied, "I am the Unibrow-Man."

Everyone whirled about and shrieked, "TELEMAKHOS?" (hereafter referred to as 'the Tele')

"WHAT IS THAT?" shouted Ralmal.

The Tele then chopped down the door with an axe.

"Why are your eyebrows permanently drawn down?" asked Elemia.

"They are?" he replied.

Then, the Weasel walked in. "Oh my gosh I love the unibrowness."

"What is THAT?" shrieked Ralmal.

Erstwhile, the Weasel was gazing into the Tele's eyes…only her eyes were creepy, anime-style, and hearty-shaped…and pink. What is THAT?

Everyone then went all, 'WHAT IS THAT?'

"There are too many 'what is that's in this chapter," remarked the Celia

"You look like a weasel," said the Tele amorously.

Ralmal interjected, "That's why her name is Weasel."

"Oh!" he cried, exuberant (look it up), "on my island, weasels are our national animal." He finished by gazing at her…with the eyes (you KNOW what I'm talking about, those hearty ones…)

Randomly, Jazz walked in. "I WOULD LIKE TO PLACE A BET ON THE POTENTIAL COUPLE: TELE AND WEASEL. I BET $67.98!" she shouted.

"How did you know that they would love each other?" asked Ralmal quizzically.

"I hypothesized it, and my hypotheses are always right."

"Supported!" corrected an angry Ms. G. But Jazz was all like, 'ignore!'

"Don't rub in how smart you are," muttered Ralmal.

"I'm in a skirt," whimpered a very confused Lexa.

"Well," said Julia, not bothering to be tactful, "no shit, Sherlock."

The Principal looked up and asked, "Out of curiosity, what is Julia here for?"

"Well, g'day!" said girl exclaimed, "I'm here to place a bet!"

"Who are you betting on?" asked the Principal. If you could have looked inside her mind, you would have seen a chibi-Principal dancing in circles shouting, 'more money! more money!' but you couldn't see inside her mind, so the point is moot.

"I'm betting on ale- I mean – the Lexa. I will give you an amount of money equal to the square root of 3.14 squared multiplied by pi over pi," announced Julia.

"Uh…" said Elemia, thinking aloud.

"I do so like pie…"

The Lexa opened his eyes (having closed them to think) and stated, "Your equation is equal to 3.14."

"My hypothesis is right!" shouted Jazz.

"Supported."

'Ignore!'

Random Violence…

Suddenly, Su's eyes turned red. "Andre needs blood…" Su then climbed onto an illegally modified fatboy (motorcycle…thing…yeah…) and ran Ms. G over.

Ms. G went all, 'pain!'

"Can we order some pie?" asked Julia anxiously.

The Principal suddenly became excited and squealed, "Okay, let's make it a PIE EATING CONTEST!"

"YES!" shouted Ralmal, "one person from each pairing comes up to eat these pies that just happened to appear out of nowhere."

"How convenient!" murmured Jazz.

Ignoring her, Ralmal continued, "…and then whoever wins, their paring gets five minuts of freedom!"

Everyone cheered.

Paulina asked, "Couldn't we just walk out of here anyways?"

In the silence that followed, everyone ran toward the door.

Ralmal stood back and pressed a button, and everyone else was electrocuted.

"What'cha do that for?" whined the Lexa.

"Never say 'What'cha' again," said Elemia, shuddering.

"Once you leave you can never turn back to yourselves…is that what you want?" asked Ralmal.

"No…" sighed everyone in UNISON.

"Oh, I forgot to mention…once the last sane pairing is left standing, then EVERYONE gets their bodies back."

"YES" cried everyone in UNISON…AGAIN!

"But then the rest of you become our slaves…" said Ralmal with an EEEVIL laugh.

The Principal responded with an equally evil laugh.

"Hey this is MY evil plot here," ordered Ralmal.

A very meek Principal slunk away with a hesitant, "Sorry…"

"Even though I'm her assistant, she's my slackey!"

"Lackey…" muttered Larie.

"Lackey, sorry. I LOVE THIS JOB! Everyone, when I yell 'UGGS,' take 6.23 seconds to decide who will participate in the contest. When I blow the whistle, you come up, and when I slap the principal, start eating the pies. Once I step on the Lexa's foot, then the pie eating contest is over."

"Hey!" whined the Lexa.

The Celia gave him a flat look and said, "You talk too much."

"UGGS!"

Exactly 3.23 seconds later…

"Hey Ralmal," whispered Elemia conspiratorially, "I'll give you…two oranges if you change it to cake…"

"Done," replied Ralmal. And LO! The pie turned to cake…but the water did not turn to wine. After all, most of the characters were underage.

Elemia took the oranges that were Danny's eyes and said, "Here you go!" in a bright and chirpy Glinda (WICKED – THE MUSICAL THAT I DO NOT OWN…AMONG OTHERS - REFERENCE) voice.

"ORANGE!" squealed Ralmal.

6.23 seconds after Ralmal said "UGGS!"…

Ralmal blew the whistle.

Julia stood near a microphone. When she talked, she spoke in a well-constructed English accent…that's a HINT for you people. "Jolly good, chaps, I will be your commentator for today…"

"What ho!" cried the Principal in a somewhat less well-constructed English accent.

" :ahem: The people who will be eating will be: Elemia, Jake, Danny, the Weasel, Andrew, and Da Dash…in the bodies of: the Lexa, the Celia, Sam, the Tele, Paulina, and Larie…"

"But it's my body…" whined the Lexa.

"But I like cake," replied Elemia.

"But…"

"YOU WANNA KEEP ME FROM MY CAKE?" yelled an enraged Elemia, eyes glowing red.

"Shutting up…" and so he did. The room suddenly felt a whole…lot…quieter.

Ralmal walked over and slapped the principal.

3.14 seconds later…

The Lexa, eyes huge, muttered, "Holy shit…"

"It's a bit late now," said Ralmal, "but…" and then she stepped on the Lexa's foot.

"OOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!"

In a well-constructed Australian accent, Julia announced, "G'day chaps! For those of you who haven't been paying attention, Elemia hasa just eaten all the cake!"

"How…?" asked a still-stunned Lexa.

"Cake good," sighed the victorious asian girl, licking frosting off her hands…her BARE HANDS…