25/08/2007 10:33:00
I will disclaim Harry Potter and assorted franchises right now to keep from interrupting the "moment" below. [Disclaim-disclaim-disclaim
Done. So…
Here it is.
The closing installment. The last chapter. The final stand.
Let's get it on.
Oct 31, Friday
9:13 pm
Video recording
Click
Frame is moved back and forth until it focuses on George who is adjusting the camera. Behind him is a blank room with tow beds in the corner, one next to a shredded pile of assorted rugs and pet bed. Opposite the beds is a night table with a small jam jar overflowing wit Kunts, Sickles, and the occasional Galleon. Posted above the jar, which is twitching slightly, is a rather long list that is titled "Dirty Words List" with "do not read aloud" as a footnote. Fred is watching the camera skeptically.
Fred: I don't like it.
George: It's fine. Now we can record our best prank ever in 3-D glory!
Fred: I still think we should've bought the Wii instead.
George: Just drop it, okay?
Fred[sighs and looks of into the distance Remember when we were pretending to be muggle racecar drivers in Dad's car, and we accidentally hit the gas pedal, and went storming through town at 90 mph?
George: And you yelled "Be warned, for I am the elite Fox Stalker!" out the window?
Fred: Yeah.
George[rolls eyes and steps away from cameraThere. Perfect. Is everything set and ready?
Fred: Yup. We have the Barbie Dolls, the lighter fluid, the flamethrower, the hedge clippers, the magnifying glass, the cactus, and the croquet mallet.
George: Excellent. And is Filch drunk?
Fred: Sure as hel-
Jam jar in corner rattles. Fred flinches.
Fred: -heck. Sure as heck.
George: Brilliant. The twerps?
Fred: Being distracted by Mr. Fluffums von Pussypurpur, the sweet little angel.
George coughs and looks away. Fred sits on bed farthest from cat box.
Fred: I guess there's nothing left to do but wait-
Suddenly the door, below camera, bangs open. Malfoy enters, brandishing wand.
Malfoy: Ha ha! I found you, you Barbie Doll jacking fiends!
Fred/George: Uh-oh.
Malfoy storms to the center of the room. His back is to the jam jar. Fred/George remain where they are.
Malfoy: Damn little blood traitors! How could you take my most prized possessions? They'd better be alright-
Behind Malfoy, the jam jar shoots into the air and begins beating Malfoy over the head.
Malfoy: Ow, ow! What the hell? OW! Hey, watch it! Ow! Get the crap off me! Ouch!
Malfoy continues to swear and swat pathetically at the jar, as it continues to beat him. Two men dressed in black suits enter and hold up badges, which read FBI.
FBI agent #1: We're the FBI.
FBI agent #2: We've been tracing a certain crazy driver across the globe.
FBI agent #1: Which one of you is the elite Fox Stalker?
Fred/George glance at each other. Fred bites his lip and tries to look inconspicuous, while George's left eye begins to twitch.
FBI agent #2: C'mon, we've got a tight schedule. A plan leaves for Cu- I mean, a prison in less than an hour. One of you three is the elite Fox Stalker!
Fred/George notice Malfoy, who is hopping around form foot to foot in a corner waving his arms about. The swear jar remains by his head.
Fred/George[point He is.
FBI agent #1 pulls Malfoy towards the door.
FBI agent #2: All right bub, let's go.
FBI agent #1: You got a lot of time to do in Cu- I mean, in a prison. And what's with your jar?
Fred/George sink back into the shadows, watching Malfoy, who is too busy to know what's going on, being arrested.
FBI agent #1: Wait. Our elite Fox Stalker was a red head!
FBI agent #2: You're right[Pauses for climatic effect That red head[Points to Fred
Everyone including studio audience gasps loudly. George swallows and scrambles over to his open trunk. He pulls out a canteen and quickly rubs off the skull and crossbones that had been drawn on the lid with dry erase marker.
George: Um… fancy some delicious [cough pumpkin juice, uh, good sirs…?
FBI agent #1/FBI agent #2 look at each other and shrug, forgetting about arresting the enemy combatants.
FBI agent #1: Sure. Why not?
George pours pumpkin juice into two conveniently appearing cups, and then hands them to FBI agent #1/FBI agent #2. They swallow it all in one go, choke, and fall over dead, or at least unconscious. Malfoy, still swearing profusely and swatting at the jar, leaves. The room is suddenly very quiet.
Fred: Well.
George: Arsenic. Gets 'em every time.
Fred: That was…exciting.
George: Agreed.
Fred: I wonder if Malfoy will ever pay up.
George: Does he even know what the jar was for?
Fred: Good point.
Silence again, except for the slight gurgling noise coming form FBI agent #1/FBI agent #2
Fred: Are they dead?
George: Who cares, really?
Fred leans forward, examining the bodies.
Fred: Yes. It appears they are.
George: Eh. It's nothing the miracle of modern medicine can't fix.
Fred: Right. Well, we should at least get them out of here; they're starting to smell.
Fred/George raise wands.
George: Ready? Dipulso!
FBI agent #1/FBI agent #2 are thrown into the wall, which crumbles like plaster. The room is enveloped in dust. When it clears, mounds of rubble are heaped where FBI agent #1/FBI agent #2 once were.
George: Hm.
Fred: Ouch. Sucks to be them.
George: But again, nothing the miracle of modern medicine can't fix.
Fred: Very true. So, shall we continue with our pranking as planned?
George: Why not? You get the flamethrower, and I'll dig out the grappling hook-
Suddenly, young children's screams and cries fill the air, accompanied by a cat's hiss and wail. A small, fuzzy kitten streaks in, jumps the plaster rubble, and backs into a far corner, tail erect and puffed. Hoard of Shrieking Children follows it, all of its members dressed in ridiculous costumes.
Random Child #1: Look! Kitty!
Fred: Oh no! Mr. Fluffy von Pussypurpur! What have they done to you[Gasp Where's your collar?
Random child #2[holds up diamond studded collar He he! Shiny!
Fred: His bling! Give it to me, twerpo!
Random Child #1: Give us kitty!
Fred: Never!
Hoard of Shrieking Children surges forward towards the cat. The cat hisses, leaps into the air and begins shredding the room and it's occupants. The cloud of dust is conveniently raised to cover inappropriate violence. Fred/George/Hoard of Shrieking Children are making noises such as "Ouch!" and "Hey!" and "Gerrof!" and "AHH! MY FACE, MY FACE! MY BEAUTIFUL FACE! IT STINGS!" and assorted curse words, voiced surprisingly by several children, whom you wouldn't have though would have such a wide vocabulary. When the cat runs out of carbohydrates, collapsing on the ground, and the dust conveniently settles, children are bleeding, while Fred/George are on the ground, close to tears by their once mighty stash of equipment.
Fred: Our pranks - our things!
George: It's all been shredded to rodent housing!
Fred: I can't believe it! All that planning, gone to waste!
Author of this fic enters and looks around.
Author of this fic: Sorry about making the cat destroy all your stuff, but if I didn't, you'd have to use it.
Fred: What's wrong with that? Using it was the whole point!
Author of this fic: Well, the truth is –
Fred/George/Hoard of Shrieking Children[Leans in closer Yes?
Author of this fic: Is –
Fred/George/Hoard of Shrieking Children: Yes?
Author of this fic: I never actually had a Halloween prank planned[hides head in hands
Fred/George/Hoard of Shrieking Children: Gasp!
Author of this fic: Yes, I'm sorry. I can't work like this[Bursts into tears and runs from room
As her footsteps fade, people exchange glances and raised eyebrows.
Fred: You know, she was kind of a loser.
George: Yeah, always apologizing and rambling on.
Fred/Hoard of Shrieking Children: What?
George: Nothing. [Breaks the fourth wall and winks at reader Now who wants ice cream?
Fred/Hoard of Shrieking Children: Oh! Us!
George: Great! Let's go find the Swear Jar, and use Malfoy's donation money to buy it!
Fred/George/Hoard of Shrieking Children Carrying Cat file out chattering happily. The room is quiet for a few moments, then Author of this fic enters and smirks, then reaches up and turns off the camera.
Click.