Chapter 17

Passing the Torch

In the dim recesses of his sleep-filled mind, Edward Elric heard a gasp. The lump beside him shifted, and bolted into a sitting position, jolting the bed and Edward out of his dark, dreamless slumber. Turning his head painfully, he opened his heavy lids.

Alphonse stared off, large eyes blinking in a faint flicker of firelight. He shivered, hands drawing the blankets over his lap, lips trembling as tears rolled down his pale face. Einstein placed his front paws on the boy's chest, nose sniffing at Alphonse's chin.

Clumsily, Al stoked him. He drew in a breath, free arm wrapping about his waist.

"Bad dream?" Edward asked. He couldn't shake the feeling there was something horribly wrong with Alphonse.

Al blinked, looking down at him. "How did I get back here?"

"Harkness." Edward said evenly. "He told me what happened."

Alphonse stifled a sob and looked away. Moonlight shone, casting an eerie glow on the desk and furniture near the window. "Everything?"

Edward tried to look stern. "Well, what he understands and what he saw. So, yes, I could put it all together rather quickly." With an effort, he forced himself to sit up. He couldn't help but feel cross about the matter, and failed to hide it in his voice.

Looking worried, Alphonse helped him. "You look horrible Edward. What happened?"

"I tried to get to you." Edward explained. He omitted exactly why. If Al knew, he'd remind him how immature he was for getting all fired up about his height. Instead, Edward touched his brother's arm, feeling a flare of anger. Alphonse betrayed his orders. Yet, his feelings were mixed. His little brother risked everything for him. Was he that helpless Alphonse needed to endanger himself in order to save him? "Al you contacted the gate, didn't you?"

Guiltily, Alphonse nodded. The color drained from his face making him look vulnerable and lost. The young teenager lifted Einstein into his arms and hugged the kitten. Edward saw him wipe his face against the animal's soft fur. "I know you are angry."

Angry didn't even describe what he felt. Edward clenched his teeth, trying to sort out his feelings. "It was stupid." He said firmly. "What kind of dumb ass thing did you think you were trying to prove? What about everything we discussed? The cost wasn't worth it, right? That is what you said! Was all that lies? Are the souls of others so unimportant to you that you need to sacrifice them selfishly?" The words poured out of him in one furious explosion. He was hurt, very hurt Al hid his plans and went ahead with something Edward strictly forbade.

Alphonse dragged in a horrified cry and hugged his knees. "Brother! It wasn't like that! I thought, I thought, I could bypass all that! I thought…."

Taken back, Edward gapped at his brother. He was being unfair to the child. Hadn't he toyed with the use of souls to save Alphonse? Was that why he was being so hard on the boy? How could his brother follow his trail of blood? Didn't the boy learn from his mistakes? In the end, he hoped Alphonse would have been spared the guilt. "So did I Al, remember?"

To his surprise, the boy collapsed onto his side, sobs uncontrollably heaving from his chest. He clutched his head, pulling on the long strands of hair hanging in his round face. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry… I only thought it was MY soul it would take…"

Edward stared down at him, face suddenly damp. A lump caught in his throat. He knew Alphonse meant no harm in doing what he did. He was scared and desperate to save his life. In the past, Edward himself was willing to take extreme measures to rescue Al, and it was Al who was the voice of moral reason. He dropped a hand on Al's back, aware he had hurt the boy. Something dark lurked on Alphonse Elric's conscience, and Edward had let his own anger blind himself to it. Instead of scolding his brother he should have supported him. "My life isn't worth your soul."

Alphonse quivered, and fell silent. He turned his tear streaked face and stared across the room, blank eyes shimmering. "So you're the only one who can give himself for his brother? IS that it Brother? You're special."

The words hit him hard, and Edward gulped down his guilt. "No, Al." Edward said softly. "You're special." He bowed his head watching his own tears drip onto the sheets. He was a sinner and the gate would claim his soul because of it. It just wasn't something he wanted for Al. "I didn't want you to be like me. You're better than I am."

"If you die Brother, I want to die too." Alphonse whispered. "Without you I'm nothing, do you understand?" Tears filled his voice once more and the boy wept.

Heart thudding against his chest, Edward Elric studied his brother. How could he have been so foolish? He had been so caught up in his perception of the world he failed to see how wrapped up Alphonse was in following in his footsteps. The boy had no life outside of Edward's and Edward had made no attempt to give him one. As a guardian, he failed Alphonse.

"Al. I'm sorry." The words fumbled from his lips but were drowned out by Al's hysterical whimpers. Edward was dying, and they were so closely connected Alphonse was dying too.

With all his strength, Edward grabbed Alphonse's shoulders and hauled the boy up to face him. "DON'T EVER! Say those words! You want to live Al! Do you understand? Noa needs you! Einstein needs you! You have to live damn it! If I can't one of us has too! And that's got to be you! Do you understand? I'm the sinner! Not you!"

Hugging himself, Alphonse pulled away. "You can't carry that burden alone, brother, and it hurts when you try to push me away." He looked up, long hair sliding into his eyes and mouth. Absently he pushed it away. "I don't want to be alone here. What am I going to do if you die?"

Nothing, for Alphonse would become an orphan in a foreign world, with only Noa to guide him. Edward couldn't answer. Rather he felt anguish clutch at his chest. He lifted the boys face, fingers slipping into the cool teary streaks. "Shit, Al, I have no idea. Study Einstein, use that head of yours, stop following me like some lost kitten… Get a life."

A weak smile split Al's lips and he laughed bitterly. "What life brother? I don't exist here, save as Kaiser's little toy." He nudged Edward's hand from his face and folded his arms. "You're being a martyr and a jerk and short sighted. When this is all done, brother, I will get a life, and so will you." He suddenly wrapped his arms around Edward and pulled him close. "It's senseless to discuss this now. What's done is done. I've succeeded. I can do alchemy now, and when I am stronger, we will escape and I will find a way to cure you and send all of us back home."

Alphonse's voice was as unswerving and determined as his own was in the past. Edward swallowed. "I know it is too late. But it was still stupid."

Easing away the young boy meet his brother's gaze. "Yes, it was stupid, and I will live with it for the rest of my life. But I did it for us, and like it or not, I'm not going to waste it because my big brother is too caught up with keeping me an innocent child."

Squeezing the boy tight, Edward pressed his face into Alphonse's neck. It was warm. He had a fever. The strain Al put himself under had taken a toll not only on his spirit but also his body, and here Edward was ignoring Alphonse's emotions and putting down his efforts to help. Al was right. Edward was being short sighted. "I need you to be an innocent child. It's what keep me going."

He felt the boy's arms squeeze him. "I need your smile and stupid rosy ideas." Edward continued. "I need to see you laughing and thinking about the good things regardless of how bad things are. It keeps me going. If you lose that, then I lose myself to the anger and pain."

Edward was crying. He hadn't realized it, it had snuck up on him and before he knew it, the tears were streaming down his face and sobs caught in his throat. He was helpless, and lost, and terrified all at the same time, and Al was the only thing he could depend on. Edward knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt he had almost lost his little brother that night to forces that terrified him.

For too long he held his brother, sobbing like a frightened little child. The truth was, his life was fading, and more he grasped at it, the faster the time he had left drained away. There was nothing he could do in the end and he hated it. At least in the past he had the delusion of control.

"Shit." He mustered though his grief. "Got to get myself together, Al… damn it, you need me now."

"It's alright, Brother. Really. I'm strong enough for the two of us." Alphonse whispered. He rocked Edward, stroking his back tenderly. His warmth was comforting, and helped to ease the pain. "There is nothing wrong with needing others. I still see you as my big brother, and I will never stop loving you." The boy's voice trembled, its tone taking a child like quality. "It's ok to be scared, I'll always see you as the strongest and bravest brother in the whole wide world."

The wet of tears touched his cheeks and Edward heard Alphonse sniffle. "You'll always be the brother who gave his arm for me, and brought my body back. And I'll never forget you're dying for me now."

A peaceful silence settled between them and Edward let his mind drift. Alphonse's words were comforting, and he felt some of the pain fade. He was dying for Al. It was a bitter truth. All that he had done in the past to save his brother was now taking his life. For the first time, it all became crystal clear. Edward inhaled, drawing in his brother's sent. It was sharp, with a hint of sweet ozone, like the fields of Rizenbol after a lightning storm. He gave a weak sigh and shook his head. "I know it's an awful feeling Al." Edward whispered. "But it's not your fault I'm dying."

Al eased away, brushing hair from Edward's eyes. "It's ok, Brother. I knew you would say that." He gave a weak smile. Tears sparkling down his pained face. "Besides, it makes me feel like I matter. Like we matter, and it's -- nothing in the end."

It? Confusion washed over Edward. With an effort, he collected himself and studied his brother's features. The boy's brow was wrinkled and that dark something still lurked in his gaze. Edward winced. "The gate way you mean? You saw more?"

A weak nod. Alphonse used his shirtsleeve to wipe away his tears. "It made us brother. It is God."

Yes, he suspected it, but Edward felt there was far more. The universe was larger than the gateway and the thing that lay beyond it. There were other worlds parallel to their own and perhaps, as H.G. Wells suggested in his book War of the Worlds, other planets with life. "Not my God, not anymore." Edward said sharply. "And not yours." He inhaled, feeling his ribs throb. All this movement made him feel sore.

Alphonse hunched his shoulders, brow wrinkling. Distress filled his gaze as he clutched his hands. "How can you say that? It made us for its own purposes. It's evil, brother, and our world, everything we know, are its creations. We're just equations. Living breathing equations." He looked up, large eyes trembling with tears.

A hint of a smile split Edward's lips. How they were created didn't matter, what mattered was they existed. "Everything is an equation, Al. Its how Alchemy works."

The boy looked confused. "Brother?"

"We were born Al, and even if we weren't, it's just stupid to question our existence, because we're shaped by our memories and experiences. As far as I am concerned, I am who I am regardless of how I was made. Besides, we have souls. Where they come from, I don't know, but they exist, and that makes us different than things created by alchemy." He watched the boy's face as he seemed to weigh his words carefully. "Instead of letting it upset you, Al, make more hypotheses and use them to help you to learn more. Obviously the gate isn't all-powerful because it has limits, and it has to obey physical laws just like we do." He waved his hand in the air. "Ok, we're equations; obviously we're just as real as this bed, and the Kaiser, and everything else in this world. So ask this, how is the gate capable of creating a world like our own, and make it just as real as the real world? And where do our souls come from?"

"It uses power from this world." Al said simply. "Our world is smaller and based off this one."

Edward shook his head. "Our world is smaller, yes, but I don't think it gets all its power from here. I think it has limits. I think it patterns us after the people in this world, yes; but I think the souls are different and I think the gate carefully considers WHO it's going to create before it lets anyone from our world be born."

"Our souls come from beyond the gate." Al said softly. "Do you think the souls it uses are limited?"

It was a good question. It was easier to think and theorize than to dwell on what he couldn't stop. Edward felt his confidence return. "When making us, yes." Edward looked across the room. As far as they knew, the gateway could only twist and change souls. Yes, that made sense. His and Alphonse's souls were different now. They changed themselves using the gate and the power of the philosopher's stone. There was a connection now, a very deep one between them. Edward studied Al. The boy was still trying to comprehend what Edward was saying to him. "Well, I think you've proven our theory about me being an incomplete philosopher's stone. When you contacted the gate, I reacted." Edward quickly changed the subject. He felting a rush of scientific curiosity and rolled up his sleeve and showed Al his arm. "I was covered with the array from the Philosopher's stone! It was amazing. I felt it and knew you activated the stone!"

Shaking his head, Alphonse appeared lost. "Brother, aren't you still angry?"

Shrugging Edward looked across the room. Einstein walked around the bed, watching him carefully as if the animal was annoyed at his disapproval of Alphonse. He didn't blame the cat. He'd upset the boy a great deal. "Yes, but you're just doing what I would do in your situation."

Light glinted off the tears rimming Al's large eyes. "Brother."

"And you're right, it's done, so lets make the best of it and learn from what happened. And I'd be a fucking fool if we didn't use what we got." Edward gently pushed Al's hair from the boy's shoulders. " So, tell me everything and I'll try to keep my damned mouth shut, ok?"

Alphonse started from the beginning, voice shaking all the way. Apparently he figured out how to open the gate, using himself as a lure. The boy hoped he would trick it into giving him the power he needed as a philosopher's stone, but found himself struggling for his own existence. In the end, their father's spirit intervened and Alphonse came away with more power than he could imagine, but with the cost of Hohenheim's soul.

When he finished the boy, had drawn up into a ball and hugging his pillow so tight, Edward swore he'd compress himself into a gravity well with worry alone. No wonder Al was so upset. Edward watched the fading shadows of night as the sun's orange rays chased them from the room. It was morning, and Kaiser's men would be there soon to prepare them for the wedding. "I'm sorry."

"He wanted it this way." Al said evenly. "Brother, he wants you to live. I don't care what you think of him, but I know he wants nothing more than for you to live."

It seemed everyone was conspiring against Edward Elric. Even the old man he still wanted to hate. "Ok, Al, you win." He lain stiffly back in the bed and looked up at the canopy. Einstein wondered over to him and shoved his nose into Edward's eye. He lifted the animal and dropped him on to Alphonse's lap. "I suggest you give yourself a cast. They'll question you not having a broken arm. We'll discuss the rest tonight."

Al was unable to disagree and ran his fingers down Einstein's arching back. "Ok. It will be difficult. I feel like I've been hit by a zeppelin."

He could honestly say he didn't feel that bad, but felt pretty close. Edward gave a tired smile. He patted his brother's back. "It's ok, Al. And, just so you know, I appreciate what you're doing for me. Thanks."

Alphonse sniffled and lay down next to him, tiny form curling into his side. "Thank you, Brother. Hearing you say that means a lot to me. I know it is hard for you."

"Yeah." Edward closed his eyes and felt the fingers of sleep pulling at his conscious. Poor Al, he deserved better. "Don't let it go to your head."