Ch. 11- Misery Loves Its Company
They call kids like us vicious and carved out of stone,
but for what we've become we just feel more alone.
Always weigh what I've got against what I left.
So progress report: I am missing you to death
I Slept With Someone From Fallout Boy and All I Got Was This Stupid Song About Me- Fallout Boy
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The last month and a half of school was torture for me. While I put on a smile for Zoey and the rest of the school, inside I was a wreck. Only at night, in the Common Room, after I was sure no one was there did I let myself bring my emotions to the surface. Losing Sirius had affected me more than I thought possible and it had caused everyone on his side to stop talking to me- James, Remus, and Peter glared at me every chance they got and Lily would huff her way pass me in the dorm. I took it all knowing that I deserved worse than I was getting.
Sirius was the worst though. He wouldn't even look at me- it was as if I'd never existed to him. Of course, he didn't know that it was killing me to see him go through girls again or openly talk about me in a loud voice like I wasn't there in the Common Room. But I refused to cry or show any sort such weakness. I knew I'd done what was right in my head, I only wished I could get my heart to accept it.
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"Alright, class, today we shall review all those spells that could and will come up on you N.E.W.T. tests." McGonagall said. I sighed and stood up with the rest of the class- this would be interesting seeing as James and I weren't speaking and both had mastered nonverbal spells the previous year.
After about ten minutes of going back and forth he broke the silence by laughing at me as I messed up one of the more recent spells we'd learned. In response I shot him a look- I was not in the mood for any sort of mocking. I tried again and again, but I simply couldn't get the spell to work. Every time I tried to transfigure the kitten between us into a bird nothing happened; I was saying the incantation right and doing all the right wand movements, so what could…
"James, you prat!" I hissed at him, trying my best to remain calm. "Stop casting the bloody counter spell!"
"And why should I?" He asked coldly, crossing his arms over his chest.
"Look, I understand that Sirius is like your brother and that you two are closer than anyone in this school, but that doesn't mean you have to mess me up in class- if I don't get this down I'll never pass my N.E.W.T.s and then I'll never get a job." I said stepping closer to him, clipping my words. "So, you know, do whatever you want to me outside of lessons, but here just let me get this done- I hate this bloody class and you know it!" I finished loudly and realized that the whole class was watching the pair of us. I hadn't realized that my voice had risen to a shout.
"Miss Pogue, is there a problem?" McGonagall asked her brows knitting together in a disapproving line.
"No, Professor," I said giving James one last glare.
As soon as the bell rang I dashed out of class. It was lunch, but I didn't have much of an appetite, so I walked pass the Great Hall and out onto the grounds. I made my way down to the lake and plopped down on the shore. I looked up at the cliff that I'd fallen off of- the cliff that Sirius had jumped off of to save me…Stop it, I chided myself.
"I wasn't done talking to you," I heard James' voice say behind me. I closed my eyes, counted to ten, and then opened them again.
"Look, James, you have no idea what really went on so just go the fuck away," I said not looking at him. "It's really none of your business to begin with, so leave me alone."
"It is my business because Sirius deserves better than you gave him. Honestly, I can't believe all the bloody shit you fed not only him, but me." He said moving to stand in front of me. "How did you ever make it into Gryffindor when you have the heart of a Slytherin?" He asked and my head snapped up. It was one thing to say I was heartless, quite another to compare me to those wankers.
"You have no right to say anything of that sort to me," I growled standing up to challenge him. "You want to know the truth? I agonized over whether or not to follow through with that bloody plan. When the whole thing started out I didn't think I would fall for him- hell I don't believe in love! But it happened, I did fall for him. And you're right, Sirius does deserve better than me- that's why I decided to follow through in the end. That way he'd hate me and I could on living my life. And while it didn't work out exactly as I'd planned, it worked. He hates me and now he'll never want anything to do with me ever again. And in the end that's what's best for him." I finished my voice loud again, only now there was no audience. James just stood there looking at me as I took a shuddering breath and tried to compose myself.
"I don't expect you to believe me or anything, James, I don't. But that's the truth. As much as I've tried to deny it, it's true- I love Sirius. All I want is for him to be happy- as sappy and bloody corny as it sounds. And if letting him go is what I need to do for him to be happy, then so be it." I said shrugging. "Now, will you leave me the bloody fuck alone?" I asked turning and walking off. I hadn't even made half way back before James caught up with me.
"You swear that's the truth?" He asked and I merely nodded, keeping my eyes ahead of me. "Look, Addi, why don't you just tell him the truth? He'd understand…" He trailed off.
"I can't do that. Look, I didn't break up with Sirius just for him, it was for me too. The whole purpose of this plan was to get revenge and it'd be like letting myself down if I don't stick to it. Besides, I can't let myself be that open and vulnerable. It's the fastest way to getting hurt; I learned that the hard way. Pride is the only thing I have left- and I don't have that much. So, no, I'm not going to tell him the truth nor are you." I replied firmly.
"Sirius isn't Roger, you know." James said carefully.
"He doesn't need to be."
"Well, all I'm saying is that maybe you're letting yourself down more by not even giving it a shot," He said with a shrug. "Think about it." He added as we walked into the Entrance Hall.
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I did think about what James had said. I didn't change my mind about anything, but I took his words to heart. After that day he stopped being a jerk for the most part, but he always dropped hints that I should tell Sirius the truth. I never did, though. I wanted to but everyday it got harder and harder to work up the nerve and soon I just couldn't bring myself to do it. James was the only one I ever told the entire truth to, although I suspected that he told Lily because she became increasingly nicer to me as time wore on.
The end of the year came and so did N.E.W.T.s. I did as well as I thought I could and hoped for the best. I returned home to my parents, seeing as I had nowhere else to go. Zoey was traveling throughout Europe before starting her desk job at the Ministry and I was stating my healer's training. I'd wanted to be a healer for as long as I could remember and it was the only way I'd have my own money. Pureblood witches didn't get their "inheritance" until they were married and our inheritance was our dowry, so we still didn't really get it.
"Adira, did you hear? Narcissa is getting married to Lucius Malfoy!" My mother exclaimed one afternoon. I was sitting in the drawing room, pretending to be interested in the petty gossip and 'news' that she liked to discuss.
"Yes, mother, you've only told me a thousand times- and I got the hint the first time." I sighed, rolling my eyes. This was what my life had been reduced to- hearing what dear cousin Cissy was up to and how all the young pureblood witches my age had already found suitable husbands.
"Well, I'm only saying," She huffed indignantly. "Lucius Malfoy is one of the best catches a girl could get. I worry about you, Adira. You never seem to understand how important it is that you marry well- status is everything. Without status we might as well be no better than the blood traitors and mudbloods." She continued on and on, but I tuned her out.
I hated living under the same roof as these narrow minded bigots. As the months passed it became harder and harder to pretend like I cared. It took all of my self restraint to not tear my hair out and scream like a lunatic. And it was times like these that I thought about the offer that Sirius had made me- the one to live with him. If only I hadn't…no, I couldn't think like that. I couldn't live on wishful thinking- that would only get me in trouble…or killed. I needed to be strong and to do that I had stop thinking about Sirius.
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I figured the best way to get over Sirius was to move on and go out with other guys. After all, he hadn't mourned the loss of me- so why should I? I knew it wasn't the right thing to do, but it the only solution I could come up with. Soon it had been almost a year since graduation, which was the last time I'd seen him. I still thought about him a lot, but it was slowly getting easier to bear. I just had to forget him.
"Oh, Adira, come here! There's someone you absolutely have to meet!" Bella cried as I walked into the wedding shower being thrown for Cissy.
"Remember, darling, stand up straight and proudly show off that you are high class society," Mother whispered in my ear before pushing me forward to Bella and Rodolpholus.
"Adira Pogue this Abraham Nott, Theodore's older brother," She said, presenting me like a prize. I curtsied, like a trained monkey, and he bowed. "Well, we'll just leave you two to get to know each other," She added, pulling her fiancé away with her.
"You're a Pogue?" He asked raising an eyebrow and I nodded. "Very respectable family, good bloodlines…I was sorry to see your brother die, he was a good man."
"Yeah," I said not really sure of what else I could say.
"I knew Adair quite well, actually," He continued on making conversation. And of course, by the rules of my society, I had no choice but to sit there and talk to him. "He was two years behind me at Hogwarts and we trained together for the Death Eaters. He talked about you a lot- said that even though you two didn't agree on everything that he'd die for you. Thought very highly of you and now I can see why."
"Thank you," I said blushing slightly. "I didn't know that Ade cared that much. We kind of grew apart after he started working for Vol- I mean, the Dark Lord."
"Oh, he did, believe me." He replied nodding. A slightly awkward silence fell between us. "Would care to dance, Adira?" He asked and l looked at him.
"Sure, I'd love to," I replied with a forced smile.
He led me to the dance floor and placed a hand on my waist. With my hand on his shoulder and free hands clasped, he begun to twirl me about the floor. He knew what he was doing, there was no doubt about that, but there was still something off. He wasn't Sirius.
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After that night, Abraham took a special interest in me. He stopped by a week later to ask me to dinner and within two weeks had pegged me as the exact type of woman he had planned on marrying. It almost seemed liked he thought he owed it to my brother to make sure I was taken care of. It didn't matter that I wanted nothing to do with the world he lived in, he was determined to have me. And of course my parents loved him. He was everything that they had ranted on and on about. Upstanding, good family blood, and a Death Eater.
On the one hand I was happy that he liked me because it gave me someone to date. That meant that I could get over Sirius that much faster and I hadn't even had to work at it. But there was still something off. I hated myself for even considering someone who not only believed in the pureblood ways, but practiced them as well. Abe was nine years older than me, which meant that he had worked for Voldemort for over ten years. He didn't have a problem killing people or manipulating them to get what he wanted. I felt like I was walking on egg shells all the time between him and my family.
"Miss Adira, Master Nott has arrived," Speck squeaked as I finished putting the final touches on my make up.
"Thank you, Speck, tell him I'll be down in a few minutes." I replied looking over my shoulder at her.
"As you wish, Miss Adira," She said, curtsying.
I sighed and turned back to the mirror. I looked a vision of pureblood upbringing and breeding. Abe and I had been seeing each other for a month and a half now, so I knew he would be proposing soon. Generally that's how it worked.
"You look stunning, as usual," Abe said as I descended the stairs to the entry way.
"As do you," I replied as he kissed my cheek and it was true. He always dressed to impress, especially when we went out.
He took me to one of the finest wizard restaurants to eat. It was stuffy, dark, and expensive. Just the way Abe liked things. The food was great, as was to be expected, but it still tasted tainted. After dinner we went walking around the grounds of the Nott Estate, talking of nothing truly important.
"Adira, wait just a minute," Abe said suddenly, turning me towards him. "Look, I know we haven't known each other that long, but you are everything I could ever hope to find in a wife. You're strong and determined- maybe a little too outspoken, but that can be fixed with time. I can take care of you, make sure that nothing will happen to you, give you what you need. Will you marry me?" He asked going down onto one knee and holding up a good sized ring, that glittered in the pale moonlight.
I looked at the ring and then at Abe. He was right, he could give me what I needed…it was a no brainer really. But as I was about to say yes, Sirius' face popped into my head. It dawned on me then that Abe's speech had nothing to do with love. There was no compassion or feeling in it- just like our relationship. If I accepted Abe that meant I had no hope of ever getting out. I'd be signing my own death wish. But, then again, if I didn't accept I'd be in the same situation.
"Yes, I will."
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In the middle of August I received an invitation to Lily and James' wedding. I smiled when I opened the envelope, not the least bit surprised. The date was set for October 17, which was too far away in my opinion. Of course, I hadn't had any interaction with anyone normal in over six months so I was going to jump on this opportunity. Of course there was the slight problem that Sirius would be there- hell he was more than likely the best man. But I suppose we were going to cross paths at some point and it might as well be sooner than later. And perhaps I could explain myself- if he would let me.
Abe and I had set our wedding for December. I didn't really have to do anything because my mother insisted on planning everything and if I wasn't at home bored then I was with Abe wondering if I was making the right decision.
"Alright, Mother, I'm leaving. I'll be back in a week or so," I said, picking up my traveling bag.
"Just remember if you try to disappear we have ways of finding you," Father said threateningly as I walked to the door.
"Yes, yes, I know," I replied rolling my eyes.
As if I would dare run away. My new status as Abraham Nott's fiancé had me being watched closer than ever. My parents knew of my rebellious nature, but Abe did not. So to solve the problem they merely told him that I would need a "bodyguard" at all times when I wasn't at home. The fiancé of a well known Death Eater would be an easy target indeed.
But I struck a deal with my parents. I got a week to myself in October to whatever I wanted or needed to do. They agreed so long as I returned and married Abe. It was the only way I could get away to James and Lily's wedding without making matters worse for myself.
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"Hey, Zoey! Over here!" I called out, waving my arms to get her attention.
"Addi! Well, aren't you a sight for sore eyes?" She said hugging me. "How have you been?"
"Oh alright…my parents are crazy as ever, but at least I have a week away." I replied with a shrug. "What about you? How was Europe?" I added as we started walking down the street, window shopping.
"Oh amazing! There was so much to see and the trip took longer than I'd expected. Luckily I didn't start my job at the Ministry until last month." She said laughing. "You wouldn't believe some of the things I saw- and most of it was muggle accomplishments! I'm telling you, Addi, wizards give muggles less credit than they deserve."
"I'd have to say I completely and totally agree with you on that," I replied smiling. "I've missed you so much."
"Yeah, tell me about it. Are you going to James and Lily's wedding?" She asked giving me a sideways glance.
"That's why I'm here. Well that and I needed a serious break from my family." I said, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear. "Honestly, things are so crazy right now."
"Yeah, I bet- hey, what's that on your hand?" She asked grabbing my hand from my head. "Nice rock, who's the bloke who gave it to you?"
"Oh, yeah, I guess I forgot…I'm engaged," I said unenthusiastically. "Surprise!" I added mock cheerfully.
"Addi! You're engaged? When, and to who?" She exploded.
"Yes, well, it's been fairly recent- about two months ago. His name's Abraham Nott- you know Theodore's older brother." I said not looking her in the eye.
"You're marrying a Nott! But, Addi, they're notorious dark wizards! Very well known for-" She started but I cut her off.
"Muggle killings, I know, I know," I said nodding.
"How can you marry someone like that?" She asked and I looked up at her.
"I don't really have a choice. I'm under my parents' rules and, well, Abe decided that I was everything he wanted in a wife. Besides, it's not like I have any better offers." I replied somewhat apologetically.
"What about Sirius?" She asked throwing me a sideways glance.
"What about him?" I retorted crossing my arms. "He hates me and besides it's not like I ever had feelings for him anyways." I added, but she just shook her head.
"That's a load of bollocks and we both know it. You fell for him, Addi, I know you did. And I should've seen it," She said smiling sadly at me. "I'm sorry, I really am. I was just so caught up in the plan and everything that I failed to see it there."
"Zoey, it's not your fault, really it isn't. I shouldn't have allowed myself to be so vulnerable. If I had just kept my guard up…well maybe things would have turned out differently." I said holding my hand up to stop her. "Besides, love's not really my thing, right?" I added with a weak laugh.
"You know, you don't always have to put on a show for everyone, least of all me," She said after a second. "You don't have to do what's expected of you- in fact you shouldn't have to. But you're so worried with what everyone else thinks and says that you just follow the predictable route. You shouldn't let expectations rule who you are and how you live your life, Addi. Rise above your family and Abraham Nott and all of it."
"I tried to, really I did," I replied, shocked at what she had said. "All throughout Hogwarts I fought against my parents' ways- hell, I all but ran away! But now, Zoey, it's inevitable- I have no choice anymore."
"Of course you have a choice! You can leave and forget about the marriage and the pureblood nonsense!" She exclaimed, throwing her hands in the air.
"Where would I go? Zoey, no matter how well I hid myself my family would find some way to get to me." I said shaking my head, knowing she wouldn't understand. "This isn't like running away from a muggle home- I'm dealing with some of the darkest wizards. Abe would kill a thousand people just to find me." I added.
"You could room with me- we could get a flat. There are charms and protections spells we can perform…Addi, it's time that you took your life into your own hands." She pushed on and I knew she was right. But I was trapped in my ways and I knew I wouldn't do anything about it.
"Well, as of right now I can't," I said shrugging and starting to walk again. "I told my parents I'd return in a week and they will send the Death Eaters to look for me if I don't."
Even though we didn't speak about the matter again, it hung in the air around us. We stopped in numerous stores to buy dresses and jewelry, shoes and make-up for the wedding. I didn't want to show up in one of those flashy dresses that I seemed to have in an overabundance- I wanted something simple. I found it in a little muggle boutique tucked away between some of the bigger shops. It was a floor length golden orange gown that had two flounces under it. With off the shoulder straps and basic beadwork in the bodice it was exactly what I was looking for.
"Okay, so tomorrow I'll see you there, then?" Zoey asked as we came up to the Leaky Cauldron, which was where I was staying.
"Yes, see you tomorrow." I said smiling at her. She returned the smile and then apparated away.
I let myself into my room and set my packages down on the bed. I paced around for a while, thinking of what I was going to say to Sirius tomorrow. It then dawned on me that Sirius might not want to talk to me at all. So, I came up with next best thing- a letter. This way I didn't even have to attempt talking to him, because I wasn't quite sure if I wanted to myself.
I sat down at the desk in the corner of the room and pulled out some parchment, a quill, and ink. I thought for a few minutes of how to start the letter and nothing came to me. The more I racked my brain the harder it seemed to become. Honestly, how hard was it to put down some stupid bloody words that explained why you broke someone's heart? So I stopped thinking about it and just wrote whatever came to mind.
Sirius-
I know I am the last person in the world that you want to hear from, but I'm begging you to just read this the whole way through- it's the last thing I'll ever ask of you, I promise.
I feel that I owe you an explanation for my actions and since you don't want to hear me tell you I'm hoping you'll read this.
In the beginning I had every intention of dating you and dumping you- just like that, no emotional baggage or connections at all. But it's funny the way the world works, isn't it? Almost everything I told you was true- of course there were some things I had to change, but all the late night talks about our families and pasts…that was real. And what I said about not believing in love- well, that was true too. Which is why I was the perfect person to pull off the revenge plan.
Zoey and I came up with this plan because of what Roger did to me- just because I don't believe in love doesn't mean that it didn't hurt when he cheated on me and then dumped me. We decided to do it just after James made you try to call a truce.
Sirius, I hated you and, coupled with the fact that you were a womanizer and the biggest player in the school, well, you were the perfect candidate. So we set to work and after a few batted eyelashes here, a couple of hard-to-gets there, I had you eating out the palm of my hand. Christmas was my biggest accomplishment- getting you to ask me out. From there it wasn't too difficult because you were so whipped that I had only to snap my fingers and you would do my bidding.
But something happened that I didn't count on- I fell for you. I don't know how, but after getting to know you as someone other than a pureblood wizard or womanizing playboy I saw someone that I actually could get along with. Of course, I denied this to myself and Zoey for as long as possible, but eventually I had to admit the truth.
So I did the only thing that made sense- I ignored my heart and went on with the plan. Inside I constantly fought with myself on whether or not to just tell you and forget about it, but there was always something that stopped me. Call it a stupid urge to prove my point or insecurity to get too close to anyone, but I just couldn't bring myself to tell you the truth. Perhaps it would have been better if I had.
I've thought about you a lot, Sirius. I've thought about everything that's happened and while I wish I could change a lot of what I did, I wouldn't change the fact that you and I aren't together. Here's the reason I went through with the stupid plan in the end: I love you, Sirius, and I want you to be happy. If being happy means that you aren't with me, then so be it- I can handle that. Besides, how can I make you happy when I can't even make myself happy?
You taught me how to love and how to be loved. You gave me the confidence and hope of escaping the same fate as our parents, if only for a little while, and I'll never forget you. I'm not looking for forgiveness and I don't expect to ever see you again- I just wanted some sense of closure and this is the best I can do.
If you've read this far then I have only one thing left to say and that is I'm sorry for everything, Sirius, I really, truly am.
Goodbye and Good Luck-
Addi
I put the letter in an envelope and sealed it. Standing up and stretching I set the envelope on the bedside table. Getting under the covers and flicking my wand to extinguish the lights, I went to sleep.
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A/N: okay, so the wedding's in the next chapter and then we'll see if Sirius talks to her or not, it could all be very dramatic, you know. haha anyways you all know what to do- click the button that says review and drop me a line- love it, hate it, can't believe what I'm doing, anything and everything's helpful :p