Ch. 12- Broken Hearts Make Bastards

I will sleep another day
I don't really need to anyway
What's the point when my dreams are infected
With words you used to say
I will breathe in a moment
As long as I keep my distance
I wouldn't want to go messing anything up

So don't go worrying about me
It's not like I think about you constantly
So maybe I do, but that shouldn't affect
Your life anymore
I knew it the moment you walked into the door

All Hail The Heartbreaker- The Spill Canvas

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I tossed and turned all night. Sirius kept popping into my dreams and it was always the same: he kept asking me why. Why did I do this to him? Why did I break his heart? I would jerk awake to find myself submerged in darkness, damp from the cold sweat that engulfed my body.

I got up the next morning with a headache and a bad temper. I ordered some pepper up potion from the bar and then proceeded to get ready. Just because I was miserable and hated life in general didn't mean everyone else had to know. I knew that Sirius wasn't going to be pining over me like I had him and that when I saw him he would more than likely be anything but civil. So I wasn't going to give him any more ammo than he already had. I pinned my hair up into a simple French twist with a diamond barrette and slipped my dressed on. Just a dash of mascara and lipstick and shoes in hand, I was ready to head out.

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The wedding was being held in the garden behind James' house. It was simple and small, but I supposed with they way times were it made sense. Nobody really trusted anybody else and quite frankly I was a little surprised that I received an invitation.

I walked through the gate to the garden and looked around for Zoey. I found her sitting halfway up the aisle and hurried over. As I was walking I glanced up front and saw James and Sirius standing there, along with Remus and Peter. I'd known as soon as I'd gotten the invitation that Sirius would best man, after all he was James' twin, but that didn't change the lump that formed in my throat. I'd brought the note with me and figured that I would just give to James or Remus to give to him. Although perhaps James would be a safer bet as I wasn't sure if Remus would still pissed at me as well.

I slipped into the seat next to Zoey and tried to control my racing heart. I could feel Zoey's eyes on me and I was determined not to let any sign of pining or weakness show. This was James and Lily's big day and honestly I wanted nothing more than to remain invisible so that I could focus all my thoughts on them. Too bad that was just wishful thinking.

Thankfully the ceremony started soon after. As the music started everyone stood and turned to where Lily was standing with father. She looked absolutely stunning- her dress was a radiant white, strapless with a full skirt and her vibrant auburn hair had been pulled back into an elegant bun on top of her head. She had this smile on her face that told me she couldn't have been happier than she was at this moment. I looked back up the aisle at James, who seemed oblivious to everyone except Lily. He was staring at her as though she were the single most beautiful and fulfilling thing he'd ever seen. Any idiot could see what they had was true love and it made me wonder- had I made the right choice? Was love worth leaping into the unknown and discarding everything you knew?

One thing was for sure- as Lily and James exchanged their vows I could see they didn't care about losing everything in the war. So long as they had each other at the end of the day, well, that was enough.

"Hey! Congratulations!" I exclaimed as I found James at the reception. "You're a married man now, James, you know you're going to have to behave, right?" I added raising an eyebrow at him.

"Yeah, I dunno if I'll be able to do it," He replied smiling. "I'm really glad you could make it, Addi," He added pulling me into a hug.

"You kidding? I wouldn't have missed this for the world!" I said laughing. "You and Lily really are the perfect couple, you know that?"

"Well, I wouldn't say perfect, but we are up there, aren't we?" He said and I rolled my eyes good naturedly at him.

"I wish you the best of luck- may your marriage be far better than mine," I said holding up my glass of wine in mock toast.

"Hang on, you're getting married? Since when?" He asked shocked.

"July," I replied shrugging. "It's to Abraham Nott…" I trailed off looking away.

"Ah, I see," He said and I could tell he thought I was mental. "Well, I'm sure you two, er, love each other very much." He added, but we both knew that love had nothing to do with it.

"Yeah," I said noncommittally. "Anyways, I'd better let you get back to your mingling. It's really great to see you, James." I added smiling at him.

"Yeah, Addi, you too." He replied sincerely and I knew he meant it. "Listen, we'll have to get together sometime and have lunch or something. I've missed our chats and I never see you."

"Yeah, sure, that'd be fantastic," I agreed nodding, but knowing that it probably wouldn't happen. "Owl me sometime."

"Alright, I'll do that." He said. "Bye, Addi."

He walked off and I looked around the room. Zoey was dancing with some guy, Remus was laughing at something Peter had just done, and Sirius was…no where in sight.

"Well, well, well," I heard a voice behind me say. I turned and there he was. "You actually showed up."

"Yes, I was invited after all," I replied and he just shook his head. "What? Find it hard to believe?"

"Well, it surprises me that you thought you'd be welcomed with open arms after what you did," He said icily and I didn't bother to point out that I had said nor implied any such thing- I wasn't going to argue with him here.

"So, have you found anyone stupid enough to date you yet?" He asked obnoxiously and I looked at him through narrowed eyes.

"As a matter of fact I have," I replied just as obnoxiously. I held up my hand, making sure the diamond glinted in the light and smiled sweetly at him. "I'm getting married in December."

"Wow, you do move fast. So, how did you hook this one, then? Did you trick him into thinking that you weren't a bitch? Or maybe it was all part of some elaborate plan," He pressed on and there was something in his tone that surprised me- a sort of biting cold bitterness. "No, no, you probably have him under a love spell. That's the only way any guy with half a brain would marry you." His accusations were harsh and I can't deny that I was slightly taken aback by them.

"Actually, I didn't have to do anything to get his attention," I replied haughtily. "We met at a party and he sought me out after that. He even asked my father for permission before he proposed to me. Isn't that sweet?" I added and Sirius made this sort of strangled grunting noise.

"Yeah, I'm just so happy and you know he's very well connected," I continued examining my ring again for effect. "He's really all I could've picture in the guy I would marry."

"You know what I think?" He asked after a second and I looked at him. "I think you've got an arranged marriage and that you're probably happy that you don't have to show this blighter any true concern, passion, or feeling. I think you two probably deserve each other."

"How dare you!" I exclaimed angrily- although I was more angry he'd read into it so perfectly than I was at the actual theory he gave. "You know nothing of my relationship and, if my memory serves me correctly, you could care less. Just because you can't get a girl to love you for real don't demean my engagement."

"At least I can love!" He retorted stepping closer to me. "At least I'm not some heartless harpy that messes with people for their own sick twisted amusement. I may not be able to keep a relationship for more than two weeks, but hey, I can sleep peacefully at the end of the night knowing I'm nothing like you." He added viciously.

"Sirius, I didn't come here to pick a fight with you or…well, whatever," I said closing my eyes sand counting to ten. "I came here because I was invited by James. I hadn't planned on even talking to you, so they you are. You started this not me."

"Yes, well, why don't you get to the point so I can go enjoy myself," He said with a sneer.

"Why do you have to be so…infuriating?" I asked biting back the hot tears pricking at my eyes. "Here, read this- it will explain everything that you wouldn't let me say. I promise, I'll never ask anything of you again- in fact, I'll do you one better. I'll completely disappear from your life forever. Just please read this." I added pressing the note into his hands.

Then without another glance I turned and hurried away. I couldn't stay there any longer. I gave James and Lily a quick goodbye and all but ran from the reception. It was better that Sirius was going to be out my life for good. He did nothing but confuse and madden me. So then why did it feel like my heart was breaking all over again?

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December came and with it the wedding. The final details were being put into effect and I was counting down the days with dread. I'd somehow managed to keep Sirius off my mind during the days- the only time he haunted me was at night in my dreams.

I stood in front of a floor length mirror and examined myself. I was a vision of beauty and perfection- my white gown had off the shoulder straps and had a skirt that had ten flounces under it, making it poof out ridiculously big. My hair had been swept up into complicated bun with lots of twists and curls. I only wished that my attitude matched the occasion.

"You've made the right decision, you know," My mother said pinning my veil in place.

We were in the back of the church that my parents had rented out. We were by no means religious- nobody attending the wedding knew what religion was- but my father had said it was the perfect place to hold the wedding. It was huge, ancient, and well furnished. Besides the fact that the church was wizard run, it was also expensive- which in the pureblood world translated into worthy.

"Right for who?" I muttered rolling my eyes. "Let's just get this over with, shall we?"

"Darling, Abraham Nott is a wonderful man to be betrothed to," Mother said shaking her head at me. "He's going to really go places under the Dark Lord's regime. You should be proud and flattered that he wants to marry you."

"Only because of who my family is," I replied sourly. "Look, mum, just drop it. I'm never going to be happy with this marriage, but I did agree to it. So…get on with it."

As I waited at the doors with my father, I felt nauseous. I had to keep taking deep breaths to keep myself from freaking out. As I drew closer to Abe, I kept picturing Sirius standing there instead. I told myself to get a grip, that I was marrying Abe and I would never see Sirius again. Move on and grow up.

"Who gives this woman to this man?" The judge asked as we stopped at the front of the church.

"I do," Father responded. He took my hand and gave it to Abe. I stepped forward and took my place next to him.

"We are gathered here today to join this man and this woman in marriage," The judge continued. "The union of two people is not a light and merry one. It is meant to be hard work and support. Passion is for those-"

I blocked him out. I'd been to enough weddings to know that we would be standing here for a good twenty minutes listening to him drone on and on about how marriage is not about love, it's about support and work. After all, love is the emotion of fools and purebloods were not fools.

But as I stood there my mind wandered to all the times I'd had at Hogwarts. I remembered my first night at the school, when the Sorting Hat had been dropped onto my head. It had whispered in my ear that I was destined to be different from my family and that I had the courageous heart to do it. It told me that it had considered my sister for Slytherin, but she had been too smart and not ambitious enough for it and then it told me that I did not have the qualities to belong there either. And then it shouted 'GRYFFINDOR' and my life as an outcast was sealed.

Then I thought about Zoey and how much of what I'd become was because of her. Befriending not only a Gryffindor, but a muggle-born Gryffindor was a risky move. I thought about how much of my life changed as soon as I took that one step in the right direction. I'd definitely become bolder as I'd grown up. Hadn't I been defying my parents for years now? Hadn't I always said that one day I'd get out, turn my back on this world?

And then, before I could push it away, Sirius popped into my head. He'd had the biggest influence on me and I couldn't help but think that if I went through with this marriage I was going against everything I believed in my heart. And Sirius had taught me that what your heart says is the only thing that matters.

As the memories washed over me I realized how stupid I was being. Here I was marrying this Death Eater and for what? My parents and their idiotic and crazed pureblood ways. I was on the verge of throwing my life away and while I'd convinced myself that this was the brave and right thing to do, I was really just taking the easy way out. I was a disgrace to my house and myself.

I knew what I had to do, but that didn't make it any less difficult. I took a deep breath, steadied myself, and prepared for the outbreak that was sure to ensue.

"Wait, stop!" I said and the judge fell quiet in mid sentence. I turned to Abe, who was looking at me annoyed. "I can't marry you, Abe. I can't do this anymore." I told him.

"What do you mean you can't marry me?" He asked confused.

"I mean that it wouldn't be right," I replied with a shrug. "Look, I can't pretend to be the girl you need me to be and you can't make me happy. It's as simple as that. I'm sorry, I should have done this a long time ago, but there you are." I turned around and started back down the aisle. Almost immediately Father was in front of me, livid and demanding.

"Get back up there this instant!" He hissed angrily.

"No," I said calmly. I wasn't afraid of these people anymore. "I'm not doing this just because you want me to. I'm not going to throw my whole life away to become a house wife who has to cover up her husbands many faults and crimes. And there's nothing you can do about it." I added and, spinning on the spot, I apparated out of my family's life forever.

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After I stopped at home to pick up a few things, I somehow turned up at Fabian Prewett's. I'm not sure why I thought of him when I was disapparating, but I did and so there I was, in a huge wedding dress and still in shock of what had happened. I reached up, knocked on the door, and waited.

"Yeah, yeah, hang on!" I heard Fabian's voice calling through the door. "Look, if you're trying to sell me some of those dark arts amulets I know they're a crock." He said as he opened the door.

"Well, not exactly the welcome I was hoping for," I said smiling at him. "But I guess it'll do."

"Addi! What are you doing here?" He asked surprised. "Last I heard you'd disappeared."

"No, not disappeared, just went back home," I replied shaking my head. Fabian stood back, letting me into his flat. "My parents are unbearable and you know I've just had enough."

"I see," He said with a nod. Then, "Why are you dressed for a wedding?" He asked taking in my appearance fully.

"Oh, I was supposed to get married today," I said nonchalantly. "Yeah, but I walked out because I realized that if I went through with it I'd be throwing my life away."

"So you finally walked out on them, good for you," He said smiling. "Just out of curiosity, why did you come here? I'm sure you have other places you could've gone to."

"Well, Zoey's currently out of town on a business call, so I couldn't really go there and right now I'm not on the best of terms with the other people I would have gone to." I replied looking down at the floor. I didn't want to tell Fabian what I had done, but I didn't know if I could get away without saying it.

"You and Black broke up?" He asked surprised and I nodded. "Why?"

I took a deep breath and then explained everything to him. The plan, the way I'd fallen for him, the internal battle I'd had, and finally James and Lily's wedding and all that had happened there. Fabian didn't interrupt and his face stayed expressionless throughout the whole story. When I was finished he looked out the window for a few minutes before saying anything.

"Merlin, Addi, you have made one hell of a bloody mess," He said shaking his head. "You still love the bloke, though, don't you?"

"Yes, I do, and that's the funniest thing of all- I'm supposed to be the one incapable of love. I've never believed in love in my entire life and Sirius, well, he changed that for me." I replied quietly. "Look, if you can just let me spend the night here, you know get freshened up I can be out of your way in the morning." I added looking up at him.

"Oh no, there is no way you are going to go wander around by yourself when Voldemort and his Death Eaters are killing hundreds of people every day." He said firmly, looking at me as though I were insane. "Do you want to get yourself murdered? No, you can stay here for as long as you need. It's just me and Gideon anyways, so we have plenty of room." He added.

"Thanks, Fabian, this means a lot," I said giving him a hug.

"Anytime, love, anytime."

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After I showered and changed, I sat down with Fabian and caught up with him. He and his brother had been fighting Voldemort since they finished Auror training. They were in something called the Order of the Phoenix, which I had heard of vaguely from my parents. It was Dumbledore's organization against Voldemort, but from what I heard they were vastly outnumbered and losing members to Death Eaters frequently.

"So is this an underground organization?" I asked after he'd finished. "I mean, I haven't exactly seen you guys proclaiming yourselves from the street corners."

"Well, kind of…it's just that Dumbledore doesn't really want the Ministry to get involved, so if he keeps it under wraps, well, it's just best." He said with a shrug.

"I see. And how would one go about joining this order?" I asked and he looked up at me.

"Addi, are you crazy? With your parents, and not to mention your ex-fiancée, out there it would be too dangerous for you to fight!" Fabian exclaimed incredulously.

"Well, what the bloody hell else am I supposed to do? I'm certainly not going to sit around here or get some boring desk job at St. Mungo's that is out of the question." I retorted heatedly. "This is a war, Fabian! People are supposed to fight and risk their lives. I've been ready to publicly renounce my family for years now and what better way than to join the very organization that they're head to head with?"

"I know, but that doesn't mean that you-" He started but I cut him off.

"Look, I'm a big girl and I can take care of myself. I don't necessarily have to be in the front lines of the troops. I'm a fair dueler, but I'd never make a good Auror. I'm a healer and I know for a fact that you guys could use as many good healers as you can find," I said defiantly. "You're not going to stop me from doing this, so why don't you just help me?"

"Okay, fine, I'll help, but I'll tell you now that you're not going to get a warm reception from everyone," He said finally. "Especially from those closest to Sirius…" He trailed off.

"I don't expect one and as for those who don't like it, well they can kiss my arse and go to hell. Look, I just want to do my part to keep people like Abe and my family at bay. This is something I need to do and I know it isn't going to be easy." I said and Fabian just shook his head.

"You always were a stubborn little wench. Alright, I'll help you. I'm meeting with Dumbledore tonight with Gideon to give him a report and I'll ask him then." He said, caving.

"Thanks, Fabian."

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A/N: okay, well there's another chapter!! there's only about three left and an epilogue so that's kind of exciting, yet depressing at the same time. I would LOVE LOVE LOVE it you guys would review- love it, hate it, confused? um, next chapter we'll definitely see Sirius again as well as everyone else. anyways, please review:p