Ch. 15- Confessions and Identities

Come on, take a step towards me
So you can figure me out
I've been hoping and praying for a single way
To show you what I'm all about
And I know, and I know this is the only way of pleasing the crowds
But when this is over and done with and we walk away
There should be no doubts

Beauty in the Breakdown- The Scene Aesthetic

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"What did you just say?" James asked as Sirius said at the same time, "Bloody hell."

"Um," I said looking around the room and trying to think quickly of something to cover up what I'd done. I came up with nothing.

"It couldn't be her, could it?" James asked squinting as though he'd be able to see the real me that way.

"I couldn't be who?" I asked pretending to be confused.

"James, are you a wizard or not? Just do that test- you know the one we found in sixth year," Sirius said impatiently and I wondered what he was talking about- whatever it was, though, couldn't be good.

"Oh right," James said taking out his wand.

"Whoa! Wait right there! You are not doing some freaky magic thing to me!" I exclaimed backing up towards the door.

"Hey, if you're who you say you are, nothing will happen," Sirius said raising an eyebrow at me. And then, while I was looking at him, James waved his wand and I felt a cold sensation wash over me. The only other thing I felt was my nose reverting back to its original shape and length, but I was sure that my hair and eyes had returned to normal as well. How could I have forgotten that James was a bloody prodigy at Transfiguration?

"Addi, it is you!" James said shocked.

"What's with the secret identity?" Sirius asked somewhat suspiciously. "Passing information that could cause ambushes?"

"Don't you dare accuse me of betrayal!" I all but shouted angrily. "I did not and would not ever betray anything that goes on in this Order to Voldemort. I'd rather die."

"Fascinating, considering that you went running back to your family after school ended. How do we know that you're not a double agent of some sort?" He asked his voice cold as ice.

"Sirius, I saved your life- don't you think if I was Death Eater posing as an Order member I'd be trying to eliminate you?" I asked as though it should have been obvious. "If that had been the case I would have just let you died and made it seemed like I had tried my hardest."

"Or this could have just been your way of getting in close to Dumbledore," Sirius replied crossing his arms. I stifled a scream of frustration.

"Did it ever occur to you that maybe the reason I invented Bailey was because of you?" I shot back at him and he looked at a loss for words. "For your information Sirius, I am in this to bring down Voldemort and all the hell he's been raising. You don't believe me? I can get Dumbledore to vouch for me."

"Who else knew?" James asked quietly, watching me.

"Zoey and…" I trailed off, not wanting to bring Fabian and Gideon up. I felt my eyes tear up and I turned away.

"And who?"

"The Prewett brothers," I choked out. "That was it. Fabian was the one who got me in and Zoey and I came up with Bailey Anderson so that I could just fit in and not cause an uproar."

Sirius hadn't said anything since I'd snapped at him. I wiped my eyes and turned back around only to see him looking at me. But there was something different about his gaze and it took me a moment to realize that it wasn't the loathing I'd become accustomed to receiving when I was around him- it was more of a curious confusion now. I took a deep breath and tried to clear my head.

"Hey, Prongs, can you give us a minute?" He asked James, who nodded and left. Neither of us said anything for a few minutes and then Sirius broke the uncomfortable silence that had fallen between us.

"You really changed your identity because of me?" He asked and I looked at him.

"Well, yeah, I kind of had to," I replied with a shrug. "Look, Sirius, after James and Lily's wedding any chance of the real me coming into the Order unscathed and not causing problems was out of the question. That was the last thing I wanted to do."

"I read your letter," He said suddenly.

"You did?"

"Yeah, I did. At first I thought about just throwing it away, but for some reason I just couldn't bring myself to. Finally, about a month after the wedding, I opened it and read it. It took me three or four times through to understand and another two or three to believe it. It sunk in eventually, though." He explained looking everywhere but at me. "There have been so many times that I've just wanted to find you and apologize. I should have let you explain, I should've-"

"Sirius, you had every right in the world to be mad at me," I interrupted softly. "If anybody should be apologizing it should be me. I never should have carried through with that bloody plan- it was stupid and hurtful and…I really can't explain how much of a mistake it was. I completely understood your reaction and I deserved everything you threw at me."

"I said a lot of shitty things to you, especially about Abraham Nott."

"Well, you were right."

"Addi, I was just too pissed to think rationally. You were the first girl I ever really loved and to find out it had all been a sham…well, I just couldn't handle it. I tried so hard to forget about you and move on, but I couldn't. During the day I surrounded myself with girls I knew could comfort me physically, but at night it was different. While whatever girl I'd shagged slept peacefully beside me I was awake trying to get your face out of my head. You seemed to be just fine, which made it all the worse.

"And then school ended and I didn't see you again until the wedding." He continued looking up at me. "I'd cooled down by all means by then, but just the sight of you was enough to ignite my anger full fledge again. I think it was because you looked so good and I missed you and I was pissed at myself for being so weak, so I took it out on you." He went on with a sigh. "At the reception you told me that you hadn't planned on talking to me, well I hadn't planned on talking to you either. But after a few glasses of firewhiskey I was ready for a full confrontation. After you fled the reception I drowned myself in self pity and more firewhiskey."

"I'm sorry, Sirius, I shouldn't have lost my temper at the reception, but you really do bring out the worst in me," I told him and he gave a little laugh. I sat down on the edge of the bed. "You should know that I was never okay after we yelled at each other at school, I just acted the part because I'm not one to show weakness. And I didn't want you to regret leaving me. You deserve to be happy, Sirius."

"And you don't? Addi, I know you said that you don't deserve me and that I should be with someone worthy of my love, but I haven't found anyone half as worthy as you," He said quietly. "I went to your wedding." He blurted out a second later.

"You what?"

"Yes, I was there- I foolishly thought that I could come in and sweep you off your feet. I played it all out in my head, but once I got there I couldn't do it. You looked so beautiful and in place up there next Nott. I didn't want to ruin it for you." He said with a sad smile. "Does he know that you're doing this?"

"He doesn't even know where I am," I replied matter-of-factly and Sirius looked at me confused. "You must have left before all the excitement and drama."

"What are you on about?" He asked the crease in his brow deepening.

"I never married him, Sirius- I walked out on the wedding and…on my family." I said with a smile. "You were actually the one who saved me from that mistake."

"Me? How?"

"Well, as I was standing at the altar I realized that I was being stupid and I thought about everything that had happened to me in the seven years I'd been at Hogwarts," I explained now not meeting his gaze. "You had the biggest influence on my life, Sirius, and you taught me not only how to love, but how to listen to my heart. And in the end that was what gave me the courage to stand up to my parents."

"Wow, that's quite the accomplishment. So where did you go after you disappeared from the wedding?" He asked curiously.

I quickly explained all the events that had transpired since my wedding and how I'd come to where I was now. Getting through the parts with Fabian and Gideon were hard and I wasn't sure if I'd be able to do it, but somehow I managed.

"I never meant to even talk to anyone in the Order for fear they might somehow recognize me, but Fabian and Gideon, being the buggers that they are- were, I mean," I said correcting myself, "took it upon themselves to make me socialize with people. And then I thought you were trying to ask me out." I added with a sheepish grin.

"Yes, well, stupid James kept telling me that if I wasn't going to try and win you back that I needed to start dating again. I didn't really want to, but he's such a persistent blighter that I had no choice," He replied grinning back at me. "I really have missed you, you know," He added more seriously now.

"Yeah, I've missed you too," I said looking down at the floor.

We were both skirting around the topic that was bound to come up next: where did we go from here? He hadn't exactly come right out and say as much, but I was pretty sure that he still liked me- maybe even loved me. And as much as I wanted to be with him, there was something stopping me.

"Addi, we need to talk about-"

"What happens next?" I finished for him and he nodded. "Look, Sirius, I still stand by what I said in that letter- you deserve to be with someone worthy of your love and you need to be happy," I added quietly, looking back up at him.

"And I've already told you that I haven't found anyone half as right for me as you are," He replied tilting his head to the side. "You deserve happiness just as much as anyone else."

"You don't understand…I'm just now beginning to learn how to make myself happy. I'm the absolute worst person that you could ever want to be with," I said with a little smile. "And if you haven't found someone yet, well that just means she's still out there."

"Or maybe she's sitting right here, next to me." He shot back more firmly. "You're never going to be happy until you allow yourself to be. Don't worry about making me miserable, I've hit rock bottom, trust me."

"Sirius," I sighed but he interrupted.

"Listen, be honest with yourself, okay? What's going to make happy? If there's one thing you could choose in the world that would make you smile and keep you happy, what would it be?" He asked folding his hands in his lap.

I knew what would make me happy; the problem was I couldn't grasp the concept that he wanted me. Why, after all I had I done to him, would he want to be with me? He had to be crazy- out of his mind! Besides, I still wasn't sure if I even deserved to be happy. It had been drilled into me endlessly that the pureblood definition of happiness definitely didn't include love. I shook my head slightly, trying to get those thoughts out.

"I know what will make me happy, Sirius," I told him now. "That's not the problem."

"Then what is?"

"Accepting it," I replied with a shrug. "You're insane if you want to be with me after what I did. Besides, you're insane to want to be with me anyway. I'm nothing but one big mess." I added standing and turning away from him to straighten the tray of vials.

"So what if I'm insane? Addi, how are suppose to make yourself happy when you don't know how? You've got to have someone show you the way. James had to show me. And if you're just going to keep pretending everything's fine, then no one will know you need help." He said and I heard him struggling to swing his feet over the bed to stand up.

"What are you doing?" I asked facing him, my eyebrows furrowing.

"I'm going…to make…you…see sense," He huffed finally getting both feet on the ground. His breathing was ragged as he pushed himself up into a standing position.

"Sirius, lay back down!" I ordered. "You are in no condition to strain yourself like this."

"And you…are in no…condition…" He trailed off, swaying on the spot ominously. I rushed forward to steady him and then I pushed him back down onto the bed.

"Exactly," I said sternly, laying him back and helping him get his legs back up on the bed. I straightened back up and turned to grab a potion, but Sirius caught my arm and tugged me back.

"Stop running from everyone," He whispered hoarsely. "Let me help you."

"I want to, but it's not that simple," I whispered back. "I'm scared."

"It's okay. I'm scared too."

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A month passed and even I had to admit that I was happier. There had been a funeral for Fabian and Gideon, which was hard, but otherwise I was recovering as best I could. Slowly I was piecing together a life where I didn't have to cover up things and pretend that I was just fine.

Zoey and I talked more about things I'd kept quiet about, like my family and pureblood codes of honor. It helped a lot and we became closer than ever. I wasn't close to being happy and I wasn't sure if I would ever be completely happy, but bit by bit I was learning what it took.

Sirius was the one who helped the most with getting back on my feet. He'd gone through this already and could relate to exactly what was happening. He'd been bed ridden for another week before he was able to leave Headquarters. All of his bruises had almost faded completely and the two cuts left nothing but scars- one that stretched from eyebrow to his cheekbone and the other that stretched from rib to hip. He was quite proud of his scars, said they gave him character and a story to tell. He wasn't worried about disfigurement or being any less good looking and in an odd way the scars made him more handsome. Maybe it was because he didn't care or maybe it was just me.

"So, what would you do if you came face to face with your brother?" I asked him one day as we lay on the floor of the flat Zoey and I shared. We were staring at the ceiling, asking "what if" questions.

"I dunno…on the one hand I'd really want to take him out because he's one of them, but at the same time…he's my brother, you know?" He replied with a sigh. "I dunno if I'd have it in me to kill him. Okay, if you could go back and change one event or thing in your life what would it be?"

"Hm…the one event I'd want to go back change," I paused thoughtfully. "When I was fourteen my brother came home over the Christmas holidays. He had been a death eater for six years by then and he was no longer the brother I'd once known. Ade was set in his ways about Voldemort and I think my parents told him how difficult I was being. That was why he came home- to persuade me to the pureblood way of thinking. But nothing my parents or brother ever brought me round to their ways.

"One night after dinner, Ade came to my room and we talked. It was the last conversation I'd had with him before he died. He told me that if I wasn't careful there would come a time when he wouldn't be able to protect me any longer. He said that I should just give up and give in because I was going to be married off to a wealthy pureblood and then I'd be straightened out whether I liked it or not." I continued, seeing the whole thing unfold in my mind. "I told him that my mind was made up and as soon as I was of age I was gone- no looking back. He just laughed and said that my father and he would find me and bring me back. Then he used the Cruciatus Curse on me to remind of my place. I was okay- it wasn't as bad as I suspect he could have made it- but the one thing I wish I would have done was fight back. Even though I was underage I wish I would have done something."

"Addi…" Sirius said with a sigh, looking at me.

"He was my brother…I know if given the choice he would have killed me if he had to," I whispered, turning my head to look at him as well. "Is it terrible that I still loved him in spite of that?"

"No, it shows that you're better than the lot of them," Sirius replied his hand slipping into mine, fingers wrapping themselves protectively around mine. "It shows that you could have never been anything like them. They don't have the ability to love." He added and I smiled at him.

"So…what would do if I said that pretending to date you was the best thing that ever happened to me?" I asked changing to a much lighter subject.

"I'd say that you're the best thing that's ever happened to me," He replied, kissing me and I laughed. "What would you do if I…" He paused looking unsure for a moment.

"If you what?" I prompted raising an eyebrow.

"If I asked you to marry me," He said finally. I blinked once and then again to make sure I'd heard right.

"I'd say yes," I said with a smile as fished a ring out of his pocket and put it on my finger.

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A/N: alright, I figured since we all know how Sirius' future is going to turn out I needed to give ya guys some sort cheesy, fluffy ending to this chapter- I hope it wasn't too bad...so here you go- Sirius and Addi are back together and engaged and in love...yay! of course, no all stories have happy endings, just like in life. and yes, the epilogue is all there is left. I personally like the way I've ended, I can't really see any other way to end it and have it be good, but I guess you'll have to decide for yourself! anyways, I'll stop rambling now so that you all can leave a nice lovely review!! ;p till next time:p