A/N Hey guys. Here's the next chapter. I hope its ok. I know there are tons of mistakes but I'm too tired to fix them now. Do review if you're still reading and want it to continue.
Nothing has changed particularly in the past few days, aside from my continuing downhill spiral towards death. No heart, no life and nothing much to really talk about. Today though, is going to be something special. I've managed to convince Dr. Cox to let me go home with Turk and Carla for the night. I dished out all my reserve of puppy faced emotional blackmail, falling only slightly short of saying "it could be the last time I get to go home." It's not far from the truth but judging by the stone faced, barely restrained hysteria that was the personification of Dr Cox these days, I'd lay my own death bed by actually vocalizing those thoughts. Plus it's just really cruel to hold that over someone else's head, especially Dr. Cox.
He's been the most unnerving of all the people around me. He can't seem to form proper sentences around me unless we're talking about medical stuff. Aside from that, he just stands there, rocking back on forth on the balls of his feet, hugging his chart, but saying absolutely nothing. Then he suddenly turns around and mumble something like "I can't do this" and storms off. I'm proud to say I have nothing to do with this behavior. At least not anything I actually did. If he's mad or upset, it's all in his head. I can't say I know what it is. Sometimes I think he's upset about my condition, that he feels helpless or for some reason guilty. I know I would feel that way, but I have to remind myself that he isn't me. He doesn't see me as I see him. I know I always want him to care about me and that sometimes just by wanting, I make myself believe that he does. But lets be fair to him, he doesn't have to, just because I want him to care.
Maybe it's a good thing if he doesn't care. He doesn't handle bad news well at the best of times, and this is hardly the best of times. I know I'm not Ben, but if he cared about me an ounce as much as he cared for Ben, then he'll be a smidge of an emotional wreck at least. I don't want that to happen. I want people to be happy, I always have. I'm the tension breaker, the goofy guy who does silly things to make people laugh. I don't want to be remembered as the guy who cast a dark shadow in someone's life by abandoning them. Of course, in this case it won't really be a shadow, more like expanding the black hole that is Dr Cox. That's still giving me too much credit, but I don't really know a good metaphor to explain how insignificant and yet still upsetting, my dying could potentially be for Dr Cox. I guess there is a paradox in there somewhere just waiting to be discovered, but that's the kind of relationship I have with Dr. Cox, filled with contradictions.
Anyways, I don't know how to be around him because apparently no matter what I say, he gives me the impression that I'm talking to a statue that starts blubbering incoherently before finally bolting. Hmm, for some reason that makes me think of a JD memorial statue being built in front of Sacred Heard that yells "Hug me." to everyone who passes by. I'd like that. Maybe I should suggest it to someone. How would they make it talk though? Oh It'd probably be like those dinosaur robots that move around and make noises in museums. I love those!
Anyhow, the point is that because Dr. Cox is so uncomfortable, it's pretty easy to get whatever I want because arguing actually means he'll have to talk to me. I like this side of him. I really wish it was like this during my shifts. Life would be so grand. I keep thinking about my shifts, but I'm not even sure I'll ever get to work again. That's actually the scariest thing of all. Not being Dr Dorian. I don't think my occupation will matter much if I'm dead but the loss of my work makes me sad. I love my patients, interns, collogues and the thrill of actually saving a life. I'll probably never do that again.
Wow, I'm glad I'm getting out of here. My thoughts keep getting more and more morbid as time goes by. Time…again something I'll mis…Dammit where's Turk. I'm going insane.
"JD you ready?"
"Like you'll never believe Chocolate Bear." I have such a sing song voice when I'm happy. The funny thing is, I am happy. It took all of one second for me to switch moods. I've been doing that a lot lately. It's sort of manic. I go from being totally depressed to hyperactive in a matter of seconds. It's mostly the difference between being alone or around people. I guess I'm happiest when people are around. That's me, the eternal party animal. Oh well, time to say adios to really uncomfortable bed and Olla to comfy couch! I really do love Turk and Carla's couch. I sleep better there than I do in my own bed at home.
"Hey man, I was thinking I'd sign us up for puppet making club. We can take Rowdy as our main character, and put up a show for the end of the month. What do you think?"
"Okay….sure that sounds like fun. Rowdy would love that." Okay then, this is weird. I know he's in total denial but now we're making plans for next month? Heck making plans for next week is going too far at this point. I need to talk to him about this…later. Maybe I should let Carla do that. I love having heart-to-hearts with him, but this is one topic I'm not sure I want to discuss.
"Yea and this year, on my birthday, we're so having a Star Wars themed party. And I'm gonna say shotgun for Darth Vader but if you really want it, you can have it."
"Nah, you can have him. I'll be Luke so you can say you're my father the whole night."
"Yea…who's your daddy!"
"You are sir Vader!" Wow, this is so awkward. Where's Carla when you need her.
"Hey Bambi." Ah there she is. Where's a heart when you need it. (Nothing). Oh well worth a try.
"Hey Carla. Are you coming home with us?"
"Yea my shift just got over. Elliot's coming over too, she'll be done in about an hour.'
"Oh that's great, we'll have a pa—arty! (sing song voice)."
"Yes we will. So you gonna get off that bed or what."
"Strangely no one ever tries to get me in bed. It's always out of it."
"Don't worry Bambi, once you're all better, I'll hook you up with a nice nurse."
"Well there's a way to motivate a guy."
And we continued to banter like this for a bit, while going through the tedious process of getting off the bed and into the wheel chair Turk had brought. I was sweating by the time we got out of the room, but no one said anything. We just continued to talk as though we were just getting off our shifts as usual. It felt good. For once I wasn't feeling like everything was changing. I guess denial can be a good thing. It takes away from the reality of the situation. Especially if that reality isn't something you want to deal with, even just for a little while.
Before we left, we stopped by the main lobby where all my interns were being briefed by Dr. Kelso, for something or other. As soon as we entered, all the interns turned towards me, completely ignoring Dr. Kelso.
"I guess gawking and Dr. Dorian over there is much more important than actually listening to the man who can stick all your sorry asses on night duty till kingdom come." Well, clearly Dr. Kelso hasn't changed in the past week.
"Take five people. And when you come back, I want all you pathetic little pip squeaks to pay attention or heads will roll faster than my wife's wheelchair hurtling down the staircase." Aw, Dr Kelso is a softie, and slightly disturbing.
"Dr D. How're you doing?" I can't remember the guy's name!
"Hey you!. I'm dong great." I'm such a liar. "How's about you guys? Jennie, how's your family doing?"
"Much better now, Thanks Dr. Dorian. We really miss you round here."
"Dr. Cox giving you guys a hard time?"
"Hard time is one way to put it. He's on an intern crusade is another way of saying it."
"Nah, don't worry guys. You just have to learn to get past all the yelling, ranting, grunting and screaming, and read the subtitles. He's a big softie underneath all that…stuff."
"And then there's Dr. Kelso. He never used to be this "pickie" about stuff when you were around. Now, he always seems to be around whenever we make mistakes." I'm just not going to tell them that I used to shelter them from Dr. Kelso by taking most of the blame whenever something was found. He knew I was doing it too, but he never seemed to call me on it. Kelso is a good guy, even though most people don't ever see that side of him.
"At least you're all trying to be more careful right. It's all about being better Doctors guys. All the shouting and scare tactics were so engrained in my brain that I atomically checked a gazillian times before doing something. Kept me on my toes."
"Well, I never thought I'd say this but it would be a lot less crazy around here if you came back."
"Thanks Keith. That's good to know." Oh man stop saying nice things, I'm supposed to envy you for having the love of my life.
"Alright JD, we gatta hit the road now."
"Okay guys, hang in there. It gets easier I promise."
I got a couple of hugs and a few handshakes from all my interns and some of the nursing staff before we left. It was nice. I felt more wanted today than I have in a long time. At least I know that I was doing something right. This job has given me a chance to be so many things: a student, a savior, a care giver and a teacher. Being a Doctor really does rock.
………………….
So, here we are, the four of us, sitting in the apartment like old times, just hanging out and watching TV. I'm curled up in a blanket on one side of the couch, with Elliot on the other, Turk is on the single chair and Izzie is sitting in Carla's lap on a stool near my head.
"Hey Carla can I hold her for a bit?"
"Oh thank God, my arms are killing me already."
I love holding Izzie. She has the smallest hands ever, and she usually just curls them around my neck and chest in the cutest way. Then there is her smile, its like she's starting at you in awe, but then she has some inside joke about it. I can so see her groing up to look little Turk, but prettier.
"Hello little Gherkin. What's cooking? I know you don't get that pun, but when you grow up, and finally get it, you're going to remember me as the funny uncle. Aren't you?" I was whispering that in Izzie's ear, but I guess Elliot heard me because she started to stroke my head with her chilly little hand. Then she leaned over and whispered in Izzie's ear. "Don't worry Izzie, Uncle JD is always going to be there, even when you become a teenager and want to kick his butt for calling you a gherkin in front of your boyfriend."
"Don't listen to her. I'm going to be such a cool uncle, you'll want to call me to all the parties. Won't you? Yes you will." I never really understood why people made funny faces in front of kids until I started spending so much time with Jack and Izzie. It's the easiest way to make them smile, just like now. "Say JD Izzie! Say JD"
"YaaD"
"Close enough. You're going to be sucha smarty pants, all the boys are gonna fall all over themselves to date you!." I said that part just a bit lourder to get a rise out of Turk who hadn't said much all night.
"My little girl ain't gonna to be dating no boys." Score!
" Turk! What are you going do to, turn her into a nun." I love it when Elliot does the 'you're so full of it' voice.
"Yes Elliot, that's exactly what she'll be. A good Christian nun who wears long robes and stays away from boys. And JD, you're so going to be on my side. None of that softie uncle nonsense."
"Yea, no spoiling my little girl Bambi."
"Oh please, you know I'll spoil her. I'm a spoiler. Its what I do best."
"Yea, you do spoil people. Hell you spoil your friends. I mean when we were roommates, you barely let me do any of the house work, and you play foot and toe games with me, loose every competition on purpose to make me feel better." I do not lose on purpose but I'm not going to burst that bubble.
"Yea, I noticed that when you lived with me too. I never had to do anything when I came home. My laundry was always done, floors were clean and you always had time to listen to me rant after a long day of work. I really missed that when you moved out."
"Actually I only did your laundry because I liked to go through your lingerie."
"JD!" There was a second of silence after which everyone burst out laughing. It was uncontrollable hysterical laughter, the kind where you're laughing so hard that you forget what the joke was. Just when you thought one person was going to stop, then the other started sniggering which just started the whole process all over again. Even Izzie was laughing and I'm pretty sure she had no idea what the joke was. We were laughing so hard that I was finding it difficult to stay rooted on the couch.
Then all of a sudden the sound of laughter changed a little bit and I realized that it was Turk of all people who started crying. Carla got up and ran to his side, taking him in her arms.
"its ok baby." She said quietly but then her voice cracked too and she started to cry right along with him. Then next thing I knew, we were all squichsed on the couch, crying our eyes out. That was the first time I expressed any real emotion about what was happening. I just wanted to be with my friends, hang out with till I grew old. I wanted to be Izzie's uncle for longer, be Elliot's husband, Carla's support and Turk's best friend for the rest of my life. I just wanted there to be a rest of my life. With all these things on my mind, we all sat there for a long time, crying, hugging, consoling and being consoled. It was as though letting go would mean that we'd be powerless to stop the future from ruining everything. Somehow, having each other, embracing each other meant that we'd be able to freeze time, and that I wouldn't be able to leave, if that's what was in store.
Then finally, the loudest of our sobbing pack was Izzie and she had to be put to bed. That was cue for the rest of us to separate. But it didn't last long. We all migrated into Turk and Carla's room after putting Izzie to bed. It was decided that I wasn't allowed to sleep on the couch because Carla forbid it, and I wasn't willing to take over their bed and kick them both out. So instead, we just decided that we'd put up mattresses in the room and have a slumber party. Elliot and I took the mattress on the floor and Turk and Carla too the bed. I was bundled up in so many blankets that I could barely feel Elliot's arm across my chest. Turk and Carla were both right above our heads, facing the headboard instead of the other way around. I guess they just needed to be closer to us. I can't rationalize this weird insecurity we were all having, but it was nice to know that I wasn't the only one. That being said, I really couldn't handle all the melodrama anymore. I kept feeling the need to lighten the mood. Which ultimately resulted in…
"You know what sucks the most? I have 'My Heart Will Go On' stuck in my head and I keep picturing Leo and Kate, except Leo's head is a giant heart."
"I don't know if that's more bizarre or totally depressing JD, but thanks, that's another disturbing image in my head." Bingo, the sob plus giggle means mission accomplished.
"You know, I cried for days after watching Titanic. Why can't men be more like Jack Dawson."
"Baby, I'm not sure I appreciate you talking about other men like that in front of me."
"Oh please Turk, you and JD talk about girls all the time."
"Yea that's totally different. That's me and JD."
"Don't you go all double standards on my Chritopher Turk. Coz that couch is still unoccupied."
"You know, I had a feeling me not sleeping on the couch will bite someone in the ass." I whispered to Elliot. Who just smiled and then snuggled up against me.
This was good. The sound of Turk and Carla bickering and Elliot lying beside me was the most amazing feeling ever. I didn't feel so unresolved anymore. There was sudden peace in me. I've been flittering between peace and panic for a while now but I wanted to capture this moment in my memory for future reference. This is the exact feeling I want to keep with me, just before the end. This moment in which everything is as it should be. If I wasn't so comfortable, I'd try and write it down, but just taking it all in was good enough for that moment.
"Guys." I said finally. And a round of "yes" and "hmm" went around "I love you all". I think I jinxed myself with that last part because all of a sudden, intense pain shot up through my arm and then all the way up to my chest.
Oh Crap, I'm having a heart attack.
"Elliot" I whispered, clentching my teeth to stop myself from squealing.
"JD! Whats wrong. Guys, something's wrong with JD."
"I think I'm having a heart attack." I say, closing my eyes as tightly as I can to clock out the pain. I don't know whay people do that, its not like if you close your eyes, everything goes away. I've come to realize that we do a lot of stupid things when we're in pain. Like biting your lower lip. How does biting yourself make the pain in your chest go away? Anyways, I'm going random again. But when I do decide to come back to the real world, I realize that I'm already being taken into the ambulance. When did that happen? What's going on?
"Don't worry V-Bear. Dr. Cox just called, we found a donor. You're going to be man."
"Yea." I say before the world starts to go black. The last thing I hear is Turk yelling for a defibrillator.
Then darkness finally takes over, and the last thing I remember thinking is that I've never been in am ambulance as a patient before.