A/N: I'm sorry for taking so long!! I had this chapter ready for a while, but then I wasn't very happy with it, so I sent it to a beta, and that took a while - although, really, it was my fault. -wince- Anyway, thanks to borgprincess for fixing a few of my grammar mistakes and inconsistencies. And for everyone who reviewed last chapter and is still reading. Thanks!
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Chapter 4 - O Great Cat God
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M3X-494. Planet of extensive golden-grass fields, bluish skies with a tinge of purple, green forests, and funny bird-like animals that flitted around. Sheppard found those especially noticeable, as whenever he caught sight of one, his first instinct was to freeze and try to stalk it; but of course, the strange looks his team sent him generally got him back on track.
"Right. So, life signs were detected just half a mile away. We go there, do the average meet-n-greet, and hopefully establish a trade alliance," John said cheerfully as they set off across the grass field.
Rodney rolled his eyes. "Yes, thank you, I was at the briefing too. Please, tell me again why we're here, I just loving hearing you say it over and over."
John just grinned tolerantly; nothing could ruin his good mood. He loved Atlantis, really he did, but he could only take a few days of being cooped up with nothing to do before getting restless. Underneath his black cap, his ears twitched in protest; apparently they didn't like being forcibly flattened against his head. They kept trying to throw off the hat by pitching upward, forcing him to re-adjust it every two seconds.
Sheppard wasn't really happy about the hat either. It was flattening his hair. Hey, he was proud of that hair. Find him anyone else with hair as cool as his, and he'd eat the cap.
But Elizabeth had insisted he wear it, saying that scaring the natives was not the best way to make a first impression. Well, you'd certainly make an impression, just not a good one. So he was wearing the cap.
The ears twitched in complaint again, and he said sternly, "Hey, cut it out up there."
Rodney looked incredulous. "Are you talking to them? My god, you've just reached a whole new level of insanity."
"I wasn't talking to them."
"Yes, you were!"
"No, I wasn't."
"Fine. Then who where you talking too?"
John decided it was time for a change of subject. "Oh look, the natives. Wave and look friendly, McKay," he said as they came into the view of a village-type settlement. They were staring at John and the team curiously, whispering among themselves and pointing.
"Hey, folks," John said as they came nearer. The villagers seemed more interested than afraid or hostile, so he relaxed just a bit. "We're just peaceful travelers, looking to make a few friends. You don't happen to have a leader, do you?"
A man stepped forward. "The High Priestess is busy with prayers. Do you really come in peace? Your weapons speak otherwise," he said, eyeing their P-90s.
"Our weapons are for protective purposes only," Teyla assured. "We do not intend to harm you."
The man nodded slowly. "Very well. Do you wish to speak with the High Priestess? She should be finished momentarily."
"The… High Priestess? She's your leader?" John questioned.
The man nodded. "Yes, she -"
"Tayrlyn, what are you doing?" cried a feminine voice from the crowd.
John leaned over to Rodney. "I really hope that's not the High Priestess."
"Hmm," Rodney agreed, looking a bit nervous now.
A woman pushed her way forward, sending a scornful glance at the man, a.k.a. Tayrlyn. "We cannot trust them. We do not know them, and they approach our sacred village armed thus? Chase them out! Thou must not embrace the poisonous snake, but cut off its head." The last part sounded like a quote or phrase.
"Is it just me, or did she quote the Bible?" Rodney muttered.
"I dunno, I never paid any attention when my grandma read the Bible to me," John replied.
Tayrlyn faced the woman calmly. "We do not know that they are enemies, Lindelan. The Biran also states that one must welcome the weary traveler with open arms."
Lindelan snorted contemptuously. "They hardly look like weary travelers to me. We should kill them for their attempted deception and transgression onto our holy land."
Okay, things had gone far enough. Time to intervene. "Now hold on a minute. We're really just here for peaceful trading, but if you want us to leave, we'll leave," Sheppard said.
Tayrlyn shook his head. "No, you may stay. It would shame our god if we did not honor his word."
"Well, thanks, but we don't want to cause any trou -" At that moment, Sheppard's ears gave a violent twitch, one last desperate bid for freedom. And the cap fell off.
Time froze. The villagers stared open-mouthed at John's ears, which were swiveling around and reveling at the feel of the wind on their fur. Rodney looked horrified. Teyla looked apprehensive. Ronon looked slightly less bored than before.
Then in one great swoop, nearly all the villagers fell to their knees, prostrating themselves before John. "Cat God! It is the great Cat God!" Lindelan was the only one still standing, although she was beginning to look a little uncertain.
"Whoa, whoa," John said, uncomfortable with all the groveling and pious cries. "I'm not a Cat God, I'm just human, like you."
"Ha!" Lindelan looked relieved and triumphant. "He himself admits it! And not only has he come here bearing weapons that defile our God, he pretends to hold his likeness with those ears and fangs!"
Tarylyn sat up, looking stern. "How do you not know this isn't a test? The Biran tells us to never stray in our faith. Will you reject our god?"
"Look, people, I'm not -"
"He is not our god! Only an imposter! He deserves death!" Lindelan said.
Some of the villagers were beginning to look doubtful, muttering among themselves. One cried, "She's right! Kill them!"
"This isn't good," Rodney said, his voice pitched higher with worry.
John grimaced. "Hey, I told you I wasn't this Cat God from the beginning. I'm not an imposter. I never tried to trick you."
Tarylyn looked grave. "It does not matter. The penalty for taking the likeness of Cat God is death."
"Well, shit," John muttered, his grip on his P-90 tightening. He really didn't want to kill anyone, but if things got any worse...
That was when Ronon stepped forward, drawing his blaster and pointing it at the general direction of the villagers. "He's the Cat God, all right. Now bow."
It worked. They went back to prostrating.
"Ronon!" Teyla said reproachfully.
He shrugged unrepentantly. "It worked, didn't it? Just play along for a while. It's not like we'll take advantage of them."
"Tricking them to worshiping us is taking advantage of them!" Teyla hissed.
"Well, technically, they're worshiping Sheppard," Rodney supplied helpfully. When Teyla sent him a death glare, he mumbled something incoherent and hid behind John.
Ronon shook his head. "We aren't tricking them. They want to believe it. And if we don't play along they're just going to try and kill us."
John sighed. Ronon was right; it would be easier to just play the part for a while. Stepping forward, he announced, "Yeah, I'm the… Cat God. Um, you can stop bowing now."
They all jumped to their feet, eager to please. Tarylyn ducked his head respectfully. "Would you like to see the High Priestess, Cat God? Please forgive Lindelan for her doubt, she tends to believe in the darker side of Your Word in the Biran."
"Of course, all is forgiven." Sheppard winced internally; if he wasn't careful, his ears were going to give away his conflicting discomfort and amusement at the situation. "Now take us to the High Priestess."
The villagers were all too happy to obey, massing around them as they took them through the village. Teyla was still unpleased. "This is not a good idea, John," she murmured.
"Yeah, I know, I don't like it either," Sheppard replied. "First chance we get, we'll leave."
Which was when a flurry of very young, very pretty women surrounded him, giggling and worshiping and looking at him with wide, adoring eyes. They flitted about him, coming close to touching him, but always pulling back the last minute, as if just slightly afraid. Except for one redhead; she practically threw herself in his arms, engaging his mouth in a hot, sensual kiss.
John broke away after a few seconds, gasping. "Wow, and that was for…?"
The woman looked surprised and a little anxious. "I'm sorry, O Great One, did I act inappropriately? The Biran says that: 'the Great One loves the female sex; when He does arrive, thou shall offer the young maidens to him, who shall give themselves willingly in their awe of Cat God.' "
From behind him, John heard Ronon rumble in amusement, "I guess the Cat God likes women."
"Oh, wonderful," John heard Rodney say in disgust, "Now we're never going to get out of here."
- -
John managed to gently shake off most of the women, assuring them that no, they had not acted inappropriately, no, he was not going to curse them with disease and suffering because he found them unattractive, which he didn't, and no, thanks, he didn't feel like 'casting himself unto them' at the moment (a phrase which sent both Ronon and Rodney into bouts of snickering).
As nice as it was to have women fawning all over him, he was not going to take advantage of them; they were "maidens" (a.k.a. virgins) and only doing it because they thought he was their god. So he held them off as best he could – not an easy task.
Of course, then it got worse. The questions started.
"Cat God, why are there so many contradictions and inconsistencies in Your Word, the Biran?" one of the women questioned.
"Well… what do you mean?" John asked.
From behind him, Rodney snorted and muttered, "Eeent, wrong. Now you're in for it."
"In Verse 52, you say that Jirie was a mortal man, but then in Verse 55, you call him a fallen angel," a man supplied.
"And Verse 1 and 3 have different stories of how the Universe was created," someone else said. "Which one is true?"
"Uh…" John stalled, "Maybe… they're both true. Jirie… was a fallen angel, but then he became a mortal man."
They looked unconvinced. "But what of the two opposing tales of Creation? Did you exist before the Universe, creating it when you shed your first tear; or did you come into being at the same time as when the Universe did? How can both be true?"
"Um…" He was stumped. Hell, how was he supposed to know?
Fortunately Tarylyn saved him. "Save such important questions for later, when we are in the High Priestess's presence. She will want to hear the answer, and we should not make the Great One repeat himself."
This silenced the villagers for a while; but not long. One woman, the redhead who had kissed him earlier came up shyly and asked, "Great One, how come you say that women are sinners and unholy?"
John frowned. "What? Where does it say that?"
"Verse 35, 56, 89, 112 -"
"Cross them out," he interrupted. "All of them. They must be typos."
Redhead looked puzzled. "But in Verse 8 you say that 'The Biran is the word of the Cat God, and thou shall not alter it, or suffer the wrath of the Great One."
"Really? Well, that's wrong too," John said.
Redhead brightened. "So, you do not believe that women are only half as good as men? And that we should be subservient at all times?"
"Nope. You have a High Priestess, don't you?"
There was a murmur of assent. "Another contradiction, our religious leader must be a woman, yet women are unseemly in the eyes of Cat God," someone said.
"Right. So just… get rid of all those parts."
Redhead beamed at him, but Teyla pulled John back. "John, you should not be doing this."
He was surprised. "What, you want me to tell them that I think women are not as good as men?"
She sighed. "No, but that is what they believe, and we should not interfere."
"But they're believing in the wrong stuff!"
"It is not for us to judge their beliefs," Teyla insisted.
He gaped at her. "You're kidding, right? Teyla, what am I supposed to say? 'Yes, of course, women are second-class and you must believe everything the Biran says, right down to the creation of the Universe using tears.' Yeah, that sounds like a great thing to tell them."
"Perhaps not, but it is neither our place nor our right to try and change their views. They will come to see for themselves what is right and wrong with their beliefs on their own, eventually. We must not interfere."
"Fine," John grumbled. "But I'm not telling them that women and men aren't equal."
She smiled slightly. "Very well."
"Here it is! The underground Temple," someone announced.
Underground?
- -
Tarylyn and the others lead them through a long, sloping passageway that (judging from its length and angle of descent) probably lead them almost fifty feet underground. When they finally reached the end, even Ronon was hard-pressed to contain his amazement.
It wasn't the size; true, it was huge, an enormous circular chamber with a ceiling so high that the light from the torches didn't reach it, and several hallways and corridors branching away like a massive spider web; but that wasn't the most amazing thing.
"They really do love cats," Ronon remarked.
John nodded in mute agreement. The walls, the columns, even the floor was covered in paintings and engravings of cats. Cats grooming, meowing, eating, fighting, sleeping, playing, running; some paintings were remarkably realistic and lifelike.
Oh, wait. That was because there were real cats in here, too. And not just one or two. They infested the place; John tried to count how many were slinking around in this chamber, but gave up and estimated it was somewhere around seventy. And that was only in this room.
"As you instruct in the Biran, your great temple is filled with cats, the most sacred being ever created, besides humankind," Tarylyn was saying. "And there is your Statue of Justice."
He gestured to the far end of the chamber, where a colossal statue stood; it was human, except with cat ears, fangs, and a tail. Eerily enough, it even looked a little like Sheppard: the cat-man figure had spiky dark hair and hazel eyes. Of course, it was dressed in a long robe of sorts and held a cat in its hands, so it wasn't that similar.
"You know, if I were you, I would keep it quiet about your obvious lack of tail," Rodney muttered to him.
John nodded. "Will do."
"Good. Now, maybe you can just tell them we have to go, but will come back later? Because this is really turning out to be a big waste of my ti-"
Rodney trailed off, his eyes frozen on something ahead. Frowning, John turned to see what had managed make the scientist speechless (no small feat, considering).
It was a woman. And if her clothes and the way everyone bowed as she passed was anything to go by, she was the High Priestess.
She was also hot.
Her hair fell in golden curls down her back, her skin a soft white, and eyes an intense blue. She was clothed in a gauzy, transparent robe that left very little to the imagination.
When she reached him, she briefly glanced at his ears (which were completely trained on her) as if to make sure they were legitimate; when the left one swiveled around to better hear a noise behind him, she seemed to accept him as the 'Cat God'. Gracefully falling to her knees, she bowed low and murmured, "My lord, I am High Priestess Chasiska. My mind, soul, body and heart are yours to command."
From behind him, Rodney let out a soft moan. "God, you really do always get the hot chicks."
-TBC-