A/N: Thanks to borgprincess for beta'ing and making this chapter all shiny and pretty. :) And once again, thanks to everyone who reviewed! Love you guys!
----
Chapter 5 - Surprises
----
John didn't get a chance to respond to Chasiska's promise of complete servitude (which actually suited him fine, because he had no idea what to say, anyway - the wide, amused smirk on Ronon's face, Rodney's exasperated annoyance, and Teyla's dry expression didn't help much) because at that moment several other priestesses came forward, ushering him out of the central chamber and into a smaller room.
Where they proceeded to strip him of his vest and BDUs.
"Whoa, whoa, hey!" he protested as they surrounded him, working to remove his clothes. "What the heck are you doing?!"
They paused, looking puzzled. "You are wearing common clothes. The Biran says that once you arrive in mortal form, you are to be clad in our finest robes."
"Yeah, well -" Sheppard started to refuse, and then winced, remembering Teyla's warning. Sighing, he said, "Right. I was just – making sure you knew..." he trailed off unconvincingly, cleared his throat, and added firmly, "But I can take off my own clothes, thanks."
"But the Biran says -"
"All right, all right, fine." He allowed them to remove most of his clothes (thankfully, they let him keep his shoes, P-90, and most importantly, his pants) and when they were finished dressing him, he obediently looked into the full-length mirror they provided.
Inwardly, John made a face; he looked ridiculous. The 'robe' didn't have sleeves; it opened in the front, leaving a wide strip of his chest exposed, and trailed off behind him. The fabric was light, the texture velvety, with different shades of red and purple blended together in a camouflage-like pattern.
Great. Just wait until the team saw him in this getup.
John was spared from having to endure his team's teasing, though, when the priestesses lead him out of the dressing room through a back door. Instead of going back into the main chamber, they ended up in a maze of hallways, where he promptly lost what little sense of direction he had to begin with.
"So... where are we going, exactly?" he asked, now thoroughly disoriented.
They send him a collective look, as if he should know (being a god, and all). "The private chambers of High Priestess Chasiska, Great One."
Right. He knew that.
They reached another room; the priestesses gestured for him to enter, but didn't follow, closing the door behind him.
John took a moment to glance around the room, but didn't notice much; Chasiska was moving coyly towards him, her eyes focused mostly on the floor, but flicking up occasionally to his chest and face.
"My lord," she murmured when she reached him, making as if to kneel.
He quickly stopped her, saying, "No need for that. I'd feel more comfortable if you just stood."
Thankfully, she didn't question him, simply standing as he wished. "Does the robe please you? Were my underlings to your liking?" she questioned.
"Er, yeah, it's... fine," he said.
Chasiska briefly glanced up at him before her eyes darted back to his chest. "If my fellow priestesses did anything to displease you, please, tell me. They will be chastised swiftly if you wish it -"
"No, no, they were fine," Sheppard assured her quickly.
Chasiska smiled, slinking closer to him and murmuring, "I'm glad." For the first time, she met his gaze unwaveringly, eyes bright. "My people are enthralled that you have finally come, Cat God. We have waited so long. Now that you are here... you can do so much for us. Heal our sick, protect us from the Wraith, ensure plentiful harvests... you must never leave."
John winced. Okay, enough. Time to blow this charade. "Chasiska, uh, I don't know how to say this, but I'm not actually... well, I'm not actually a god," he said. He hastened to add, "I didn't want to tell your people I was, they just kind of saw me and assumed... you know."
Chasiska's smile only grew. "I know."
He blinked. "You – knew?"
"Of course," she purred. "I knew the moment I saw you. No god would appear so uncomfortable." She began to circle him slowly, trailing her fingertips along his body. "But my people need not know that. As you may imagine, they would become... displeased... to discover it."
Sheppard swallowed. "I noticed."
"Which is why they need not know," she said. "It would be such a waste if they killed you."
"Right," John said, fighting the strong urge to firmly push Chasiska away and establish proper personal space boundaries. Considering she had the upper hand (she could reveal at any time to the villagers that he was not a god – and he was hoping to pull this off without any conflict, thanks) offending her would not be the wisest move.
"So long as I say it is so, my people will continue to believe you our god," Chasiska said. "You will be worshiped, and you will have all you could ever want at your feet: wealth, power, companionship... all I ask for in return is a place by your side."
John's eyebrows shot up. "Ah, sorry?"
She drew an invisible pattern on his chest with her fingers, eyes drawn to his ears (which were currently flattened back, sharing his strong urge to back away). "A place by your side. Where I may have a small slice of your power and perhaps... share your nights." The look of hunger was unmistakable now, aimed at his more cat-like features.
Oo-kay. The woman had a fetish with his ears. It was time to go. Now.
Backpedaling, John said, "Um, well, that sounds great. And while I'd like to get started on that right away – I can't. There's a few things I need to take care of back home first."
"I understand perfectly," Chasiska said. "You may visit your homeworld as often as you like. But you must return quickly." She smiled, and it sent chills up his spine. "I insist."
"Fine, sure," he agreed. "I'll be back soon – just a few days, or so -" He trailed off. Chasiska had finally made her move, reaching up to touch his ears.
He tried not to flinch as her fingers brushed them, slowly beginning to rub across them. He hated it; it felt like an invasion of privacy. With the Athosian kids, with his teammates, even with random women on Atlantis, it'd been different; a gesture of affection, friendship, or harmless curiosity.
But now it was different, selfish, greedy, lusting. Chasiska's nails raked across the tender skin of his ears, as if she was marking him – and he didn't like it. At. All.
Gritting his teeth, Sheppard forced himself to smile and remain calm. Considering she had the ability to make it very difficult for him and his team to leave, it would be better just tolerate it for now. "I'll be back soon," he lied, carefully stepping away.
Chasiska didn't stop him, only giving him that creepy smile again. John left the room, found two priestesses waiting outside, and had them take him back to his team.
"There you are!" Rodney exclaimed when John stepped outside, glad to be out of the underground temple. "What in the world are you wearing? You look idiotic!"
"Thanks, Rodney," John said, not really annoyed so much as relieved. When he got closer, he muttered, "C'mon, let's get out of here."
Teyla raised an eyebrow. "Is something wrong, Colonel?"
"Oh, no, nothing at all. But we're leaving. Now," he said.
"What? No, we can't leave now," Rodney snapped.
Ear twitch. "And why not?"
"There's a plant," Ronon supplied.
Rodney rolled his eyes. "Not just any plant. It supposedly has healing abilities. It's worth checking out, we should stay a while."
"McKay, I'm not sticking around here for a plant," Sheppard growled.
Ronon grinned. "He only wants it to show off to his new girlfriend."
"What? That's ridiculous, this plant has potential -" Seeing he was fooling nobody, Rodney sighed and said, "Fine, just walk away then, and possibly pass up what could be the greatest chance to cure cancer, or Alzheimer's, or AIDS -"
John nodded to Ronon, who promptly grabbed Rodney by the back of his vest and began to drag him to the 'gate. John followed with Teyla beside him. "Stop whining, Rodney, we'll send a team to check it out."
Teyla was giving him the Look. "What?" he asked, a tad defensively.
"Nothing, John."
Ronon called over his shoulder, "She's wondering why your ears are all mussed up."
"What?" John frowned, reaching up to check his ears. The big guy was right; the fur of his ears, short as it was, ran in every direction like messed up velvet.
"Oh no. Don't tell me you went and Kirked around again," Rodney said, trying to turn around to look at Sheppard's ears (a rather difficult task, as he was still being dragged along by Ronon).
"I do not Kirk around," John said testily.
Unfortunately the denial didn't do much for him.
----
"It's Colonel Sheppard's team," Chuck reported as soon as Elizabeth reached the control room, having been alerted of the unscheduled 'gate activation.
Elizabeth frowned. "They're not due for another two hours," she said, turning towards the 'gate. Sure enough, it was Ronon, Teyla, Rodney and John who stepped through, looking relatively unmolested (what a pleasant surprise – no energy blasts or profusely bleeding injuries in sight.)
Then again – John was wearing the strangest outfit. Gone was his tact vest and shirt – he wore some kind of long, red-purple robe. It was sleeveless, showing off his biceps, and open at the front, revealing his bare chest.
If she hadn't been the responsible, mature leader of the expedition, Elizabeth would have unleashed a loud whistle.
As it was, she just shook her head in a mixture of exasperated amusement and resigned tolerance, starting down the stairs of the control room to greet the team.
As she faced Sheppard, she crossed her arms, sending him a look. "You're early, Colonel."
Her second-in-command raised an eyebrow, apparently unfazed by the giggles and chuckles that were drifting from the upper balcony as various personnel got a good look at his bare chest. "And is that a bad thing?" he questioned.
"Considering your unique aptitude to get into trouble like no other, I would say so, yes," Elizabeth replied dryly. She paused just long enough to run her eyes up and down his figure, the corners of her mouth quirking upward at the sight. "Not to mention you've come waltzing home wearing, of all things, a robe."
He sighed dramatically. "It's a long story."
"The inhabitants of M3X-494 seem to believe that Colonel Sheppard is their god," Teyla supplied, wearing a small grin.
"Their Cat God," Ronon added, smirking.
"And of course, the hot High Priestess just fell at his feet," Rodney snarked. "I wonder if she's secretly ascended?"
John made a face, but before he could retaliate, Elizabeth raised a hand and said, "Well, it sounds like we have a lot to go over. Go get checked by Carson. Debrief in one hour... and Colonel?"
"Yeah?"
She smiled, a wicked twinkle in her eyes. "You have my permission to lose the robe."
----
After being okayed by Carson and sitting through the rather uneventful briefing (during which Elizabeth agreed it would probably be best to send Lorne's team to check out the plant on M3X-494, rather than risk John getting mauled by Chasiska and the villagers) John was dead set on getting something to eat.
Preferably in peace. Because as it was, the Colonel knew perfectly well that any meal spent with his team would be filled with many jokes – at his expense.
So John sneaked into the mess hall, grabbed some tuna and a few slices of a fruit similar to cantaloupe (Yes, he was aware of the strange combination. Yes, he was a bit alarmed by the odd cravings. No, he was not going to see Carson again – he made it a point not to go to the infirmary more than once a day if possible. Really, once a month would be more ideal...) and found a quiet corner of the mess to eat, hoping to be left alone.
Of course, then Rodney ambled in and took a seat besides him, promptly starting up a long conversation on how very Kirk-like he was ("Jeezus, Rodney, not again with that!") and Ronon joined them to ask Sheppard, with almost deceptive seriousness, if he was planning on finding any more planets to worship him ("Funny, big guy. Real funny.") and Teyla came to inform him that somebody had taken a picture of him in the robe and it was being circulated among the women as soft-core porn ("...Tell me you're joking. Please? Damn...") and then Elizabeth joined them to question him about the said so-called porn pics. ("Um... I didn't do it.")
All in all, it was a rather un-peaceful meal. Elizabeth was still teasing him about the picture when suddenly he began to cough hard, a burning sensation blazing at the back of his throat. Ronon slapped him on the back a couple times, nearly dislocating a couple of John's spinal bones as he did so, and the coughing abruptly stopped.
Sheppard cleared his throat, rubbing his neck and frowning. "Well, that was weird," he muttered.
Rodney rolled his eyes. "You know, for a second I thought you were going to cough up a hairball."
John sent him a dry look. "Sorry to disappoi-"
He stopped there, because that was when the hacking started up again – and when a hairball did come up.
For a moment of dead silence, they stared at the miserable little black, wet ball of rolled-up fur and other things Sheppard didn't even want to try to identify, sitting on the table between everyone's food.
Then Rodney pushed away his tray and snorted in a tone dripping with disgust, "Well, there goes one perfectly good appetite."
Ronon seemed to find it funny, while Teyla and Elizabeth looked mildly nauseated and very worried. "John, maybe you should go see Carson," Elizabeth suggested, eyeing the hairball warily.
"No way!" he said. "I just went there, and he said I was fine." When she continued to give him the Look (this particular Look meaning, 'If I tell you to go you will go, and you will not argue if you know what's good for you') he pleaded, "C'mon, 'Lizbeth, I'm tired. I have another check-up with him tomorrow anyway – it's not like I'm going to die during the night."
She looked unconvinced, but relented. "Fine. But if I find out you tried to skip the physical tomorrow..."
"I know, I know, there will be dire consequences where you will string me up in front of the Stargate and activate it, vaporizing me in front of the entire expedition as a warning to all would-be hooky players," he said resignedly.
Elizabeth hid a smile. "Good. Glad we have that clear."
After another hour of suffering through various jokes about gods, cats, robes, and hairballs, Sheppard was more than thankful to turn in for the night. Absentmindedly rubbing his fingertips against the rough fabric of his pants (for some reason, they ached; he didn't know why, and just chalked it up to a long day) he stripped quickly, sinking into the warmth of his bed with a contented sigh. Curling up into a ball, he promptly fell asleep.
-----
BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.
Sheppard groaned, tossed over in his bed, and slapped down on the sleep button, effectively silencing the pesky alarm. Yawning, he stretched without opening his eyes, reaching a hand up to scratch his six o'clock shadow -
Only to start in surprise and pain as four sharp nails raked against his cheek, leaving behind open bleeding cuts.
Eyes snapping open, John quickly drew his hand away from his face and stared at it. Tiny droplets of blood shone on his fingertips. Gone were the blunt nails he'd used yesterday to open a can of soda.
He had claws.
-TBC-
A/N: Yes, I am aware that technically, since Sheppard doesn't groom himself (well, not with his tongue, anyway. Ew) it is improbable, to say at the least, that he would cough up a hairball. But see this? -holds up Artistic License- Yup, that's right, I have my artistic license. ;D
A/N II: No one can appreciate how much trouble I went through to upload this chapter. No one! Damn you, file uploader, and your anti-OpenOffice ways! -shakes fist-