Disclaimers: All the characters in this story belong to Joss Whedon.

Chapter 13: Diary entry

Every other saturday the Summers women would sit around the TV and watch a few movies. Sometimes they were accompanied by Adrian. Others, Xander and Willow would come around but more often than not they were on their own. Even though she seemed like she was happy and ok, she wasn't. Buffy was still worried about Spike. How was he? How was he coping? Did he need anyone to talk to? This morning she had comtemplated on going round to see him but it probably wouldn't of sat well with him. Spike would of told her to sod off and that he was fine, although with him you can tell when he wasn't happy. If he wasn't happy he set all of the popular girls off. It was evident that this annoyed him and sometimes, before she had found out about being the slayer she would find him hidden amongst the stacks, rading poetry or Shakespeare. He explained it as having a calming affect on his mood and that he sometimes got lost in the words. Of course he made her swear to secretsy not to breath a word to anyone because it would make him look like a pounce and he didn't want that, oh no. Buffy knew she had feeling other than hate and loathe for him but she was so damn confused. She didn't know what it was but it was something she had never felt before.

The last film of the night had finished and Dawn went to bed. Buffy on the other hand had decided to stay up and help her mom clear the rubbish away. Joyce had insisted that she didn't need to but she helped anyway. She was drying the dishes when she spoke.

"Mom,"

"Yeah hon?" Joyce asked

"Uh...never mind," the slayer said and turned back to what she was doing. Joyce frowned and sighed at her daughter. A few minutes past and Joyce could feel her eyes burning holes into her.

"Mom...how do you know if- argh! It doesn't matter!" she slammed the tea towel down and her mother smiled. Her Buffy had feelings for someone and she was confused. Joyce could tell that from just looking at her. Joyce smiled at her and finished her sentence.

"If you have feelings for someone? If they are the right person? Well they make your stomach do backflips everytime they enter the same room and they don't have to look your way to give you butterflies...just one look from them, just one smile makes your day and when they're upset you feel the pain too...you-you want to help them, so who is the lucky guy?"

Buffy looked at her mother stunned. All of the things she had said ticked all the boxes of what she felt for Spike but she still hated him, most of the time. How come she suddenly felt like this? Only a couple of weeks ago she was moaning on to her friends about how he was making her life a misery and how she didn't want him as her study buddy.

"Oh, just someone from school...wow look at the time I'm going to bed, night mom,"

Joyce laughed and kissed her daughter on her forehead.

"Night Buffy,"

The teen sat on her bed. Baby blue PJ's on, hair in platts and glasses on. Buffy let out a long, heavy sigh and took out her diary. She was about to start writing in it when she noticed that her vision was blury. Buffy took her glaases off and her vision cleared up. Now this was weird. She placed them back on, then off, on and off and shrugged as she placed her glasses on the bedside table. Buffy took her pen and began to write in her diary.

Saturday, 1st October, 2007.

Dear Diary,

The past few weeks have been crazy. Firstly, there has been an increase of "Unusual" deaths over the summer and even more since I started back at school. I got Spike as my study buddy in English...okay he isn't so bad as I first said. Then I was in gym and I ended up breaking Cordelia's nose with a ball! A ball of all things! And okay she deserved that . That led to the WHOLE school talking about me, as if my life wasn't hard enough now I had THAT to deal with. Then I was attacked by some man and it turned out that he was a VAMPIRE! I mean can you believe it?!? Spike apparently seen or heard this and came running to the rescue, insisting that I had to go with him and that I didn't understand and I ended up punching him! Well he did deserve it though...anyways it gets better than that I get to school the next day and Giles called me to the library and said that I, me, moi was the vampire slayer and he went into some real junk on being "chosen" anyways to cut a long story shout I ended up meeting him at the graveyard and killing a vampire, so yeah I kinda believe him now.

These past few days have been the hardest. Yesterday Spike went missing. God I felt so helpless, like a part of me had been chopped off. So I went looking for him and he was in the woods, setting fire to a bunch of photos and a teddy. God he made me so mad! I tried to get his attention but he was having none of it, stubborn SOB! But when he looked at me he had tear marks all down his cheeks. I felt really really bad when he told me what had happened with Dru and Angel, it made me sick. Not only because they would stoop that low and do that to him but because i sort of knew that something was going on and I never said anything to him. I felt like crying and pulling my hair out. God I felt so much pain for him I just wanted to cuddle him and say it would all be okay but I never, just walked him home and that was the last time I saw him. All I'm thinking about is him. What was he going through? What must he be feeling? If there is anyway I could help him? Not that he would accept it. I don't understand it I hated him with a fiery passion a few weeks ago and now I'm starting to have feelings for him. Why? Why him? Maybe it's because of the slaying or that we do have a lot in common but all we seem to do is argue. All I do know is that I think I'm falling for him, why else would I be feeling so bad about him and Dru but in a sense happy? Anyway I shoud get going to bed, it's late and I've got to help mom tomorrow at the gallery. Night night. Xxxx

What do you think guys? Thanks for the reviews guys please tell me what your favourite bit is so i know what works and what doesnt. Keep up the reviews guys! Sorry this chapter is so short!