"The most I can do for my friend
is simply be his friend."
- Henry David Thoreau -
It was three days before Lucas was finally cleared to leave medbay. Kristin had wanted to keep him longer, but Lucas wasn't having that. He had gained back enough of his strength to joke with Ben and harass Kristin into letting him out, something she'd smirked about but didn't comment on. She didn't need to encourage him, thank you very much.
Once informed that Lucas was free, Nathan had swooped in and taken Lucas directly to the moonpool. He'd talked the entire way there, ensuring that Lucas understood that because of the pneumonia that still wasn't fully out of his lungs and the IC line, he could not go into the water.
Lucas didn't like it but the desire to see Darwin won out so he was happy to settle for sticking his feet in the water and petting the dolphin. He was sure Bridger had already explained the illness to Darwin and that Darwin would likely ask many questions, something that would keep his mind off wanting to go swimming.
The water was a bit cold when Lucas first put his foot in. By the time he'd gotten settled and was resting against a bulkhead, Darwin had appeared.
"Bridger says Lucas is sick," Darwin said within a few seconds, staying as still as he could while Lucas bent over to pet him.
"Yeah, I am," Lucas told him, settling back and patting his feet on the top of the pool. "But I'll be okay." He smiled as if he could make himself believe it; he almost did if it hadn't been for the dull pain thrumming through his body.
Nathan came over, settling down next to Lucas. He'd removed his shoes and rolled up his pant legs; he smiled as the water touched his toes, Darwin nosing his heel.
They sat in the silence for several minutes, interrupted intermittently by Darwin splashing the water. Even he knew Lucas wasn't in the mood to talk, happily chattering nonsense to himself. Then Nathan gently put his hand on Lucas' shoulder and asked, "How are you doing, kiddo?"
Lucas shrugged, "I'm fine." He hadn't looked up at the Captain when he spoke, not sure he'd be able to lie if he were.
"Really, Lucas. How are you?" Nathan asked again. He wasn't asking for shits and giggles; he wanted to know, needed to know. He felt guilty for the time he'd not been able to spend with Lucas, comforting his young friend and helping Lucas through the pain.
The boy glanced up and felt his resolve waver. He tried to hold onto his tears, but it was futile. He turned reached for Nathan, closing his arms around the Captain. The tears came harder when Nathan began to rub a soothing hand on his back, pull him closer and held him. Lucas apologized when he could finally take a breath, only to have it gently rebuked with facts – he didn't make himself sick and it wasn't his fault his parents had been monsters.
Nathan combed fingers through Lucas' hair, continuing to sooth as best he knew how until Lucas calmed enough to stop sobbing. He didn't let go when Lucas attempted to move away, instead forcing Lucas to relax against him.
"I'm sorry," Lucas muttered miserably. His eyes red, he sniffled and pulled up both arms to rest on Bridger's chest while his head leaned on the man's shoulder. It was the first time in his life he'd allowed someone to be so close physically for so long and he admitted to himself that it was the most comfortable he'd been in his life.
"For what? Crying?" Nathan asked and felt Lucas' nod. "Don't be. I'd rather you cried, Lucas. You always keep everything so bottled up inside of you and since you got sick, we all worry. You're trying so hard to be brave for us when we really don't need it, kiddo. It's okay to admit you hurt and you're scared." Nathan sighed, squeezing Lucas briefly, "We all are."
Lucas sat up. People caring for him was something new, something unusual. It made him suspicious and a little bit paranoid and strangely, for the first time, he felt warm. Like maybe things could actually get better.
Watching Lucas, Nathan could see all the emotions flit across the young face. He didn't say a word, letting Lucas come to his own conclusions and think his own thoughts. Nathan could still remember when he'd objected to Robert's joining the Navy. How he'd fought against that until Robert had yelled back, screaming that they'd never speak again if Nathan continued to try and talk him out of it.
"I just don't know what to do," Lucas admitted. "The doctors won't let me have a computer and I can't get on the internex without a computer. I can't do any work or help on the Bridge. I'm just... here."
"Well, kiddo, I'll see what I can do about getting them to let you have some work, but I want you to understand that you're not 'just here'. You keep this crew from losing too much of themselves in their work. You're fifteen, Lucas, you're out of place on a sub but it's the best match I've ever seen. Your presence forces all the people on this boat to remember there's something more than military perfection or scientific research."
Lucas slumped forward, letting his fingers slide on the top of the water. "I don't know if I can keep going, Captain."
"Living is an art, pal. It's not bookkeeping." Nathan pulled Lucas over to him once more, "Promise me whenever you feel like giving up, you'll tell me."
"Captain..."
Nathan ruffled his hair, "I care, Lucas. I know it's going to take you a while to accept that, but I give a damn how you're feeling and if you're in pain, I want to know. I'd rather you scream or cry or whatever to me than I walk into your room and find you dead, understand?"
"I understand," Lucas muttered back. He sincerely hoped Bridger wasn't toying with him because he knew he'd be taking that offer up very soon.
"Family means putting your arms
around each other and being there."
- Anonymous -
Watching Lucas cuddle closer under the covers, Kristin had to admit that letting him spend the night with Nathan in the Captain's quarters had been a good idea. He hadn't been sleeping too well in months and the sight before her was just too precious. It reminded her of the nights when Cynthia was young and ill, the two of them under the covers and comfortable.
Nathan was holding onto Lucas; the teen had pillowed his head on Nathan's chest, one leg hanging off the bed and one arm draped over the man.
"Kristin," Nathan whispered, eyes slit open yet clearly drowsy.
"Go back to sleep. I just came to check on him," she smiled and touched Lucas' forehead, ensuring that he didn't have a fever. It had been so touch and go for a few days that Kristin had actually been prepared to let people know that he was dying. But in his usual fashion, Lucas survived, pushing on and healing up.
She suspected the combination of Nathan and Darwin had something to do with it. Since his first visit with Darwin three days before, he'd seen the dolphin everyday and though he still could not swim, he seemed to leave the moonpool a little happier. Nathan was with him every time; neither he nor Lucas knew she was aware of their talks.
It had been an accident to overhear the first time, but the second time was out of pure curiosity. The fact that Lucas could open up just enough to let Nathan know he was scared, that he was tired of feeling weak and a little bit angry as well, showed her how deep their bond truly ran.
Kristin smiled and then left, quietly walking through the hatch and closing it. She continued to grin as she made her way back to the medbay, and even the thought of beginning Lucas' chemo that day was not enough to chase it away.
Nathan, however, had a full day ahead of him. Calls to make, crew rotations to be done, and the fact that Lucas was to start his next round of treatment cast a shadow over everything. He, unlike Kristin, couldn't stop thinking about the future – would he be able to keep Lucas on the boat without the Wolenczak name was the most predominate concern in his mind. He and Bill had sworn to each other they'd find some way to keep Lucas on seaQuest, but if it were to be impossible, what would he do with the boy?
He sighed and managed to crawl his way out of the bed. Stretching as he made his way toward his desk, he allowed himself a chuckle at Lucas' strange sleeping position. Nathan had a moment of wistfulness, remembering when he was young and could sleep in any position he wanted, and then he turned to his morning paperwork.
A dozen new supplies were needed and the science department was asking for more grant money. Both Dr. Strong and Dr. Jones were asking for computer access and a long-term assignment to the seaQuest. Lt. Commander Hitchcock was asking for an appointment to discuss her position.
He started on the latter, easily finding time the next day for her to see him after his morning shift on the bridge, then moved on to the supplies. He had thought supply requisitions would be easy, but he was beginning to have a higher appreciation for Ben Krieg's job and he was just about to begin cursing when he heard Lucas roll over.
"Well, look who's decided to wake up," Nathan said, turning around to watch as Lucas gradually remembered where he was and how he had gotten there.
Lucas blinked a few times and responded, "I could try to sleep all day but I think Dr. Westphalen would just come hunt us down." He made a face at that. He knew Westphalen would read him the riot act if he even so much as thought of skipping his treatment.
"She would and then we'd both be in the doghouse," Nathan told him as he stood, walking over in case Lucas needed support.
He slowly began moving off the edge of the bed, easing his feet down to the floor but his knees buckled and he grabbed Nathan's arm to keep from falling. It took Lucas a minute to gain the strength to bear his own weight, though Nathan continued to stay close as the boy made his way to the head. Nathan contemplated telling Lucas to shower, only he didn't think Lucas could stay standing for too long.
"Captain?" Lucas stared at the man.
Nathan knocked himself out of his reverie. "Sorry. Listen, why don't you clean up a bit and we'll go find Ben? I need a crash course in supply 101 before he goes upworld."
Lucas' eyes widened, "Ben's going away?" He hadn't known about that. Ben told him everything and he hadn't been aware Ben was leaving the boat.
"He'll be back. His mother is very ill," Nathan told him quickly. The risk of Lucas misinterpreting what he meant was high and he was sure Lucas would get upset, thinking his best friend was leaving him without so much as a goodbye. "I'm not sure how long he'll be gone, Lucas. She's dying and it's likely this is his last chance to see her, so he may be away for a while. I'm not replacing him. I may not like his side activities, but he gets the job done."
"Yes, sir," Lucas nodded. "So you're doing Ben's work?"
"Unfortunately," he grumbled. "I thought I assigned him an assistant months ago, but it seems either Ben scared the poor man or the order was never passed down."
Lucas blushed and Nathan grinned. He knew well enough that Lucas and Ben had likely scared the seaman with talk of god-knows-what, but he would discuss that later with the two of them. "Clean up," he instructed, before returning to the main portion of his quarters and locating the bag he had helped Lucas pack the afternoon before.
He pulled jeans, a tee shirt, and one of Lucas' Marlins jerseys from the duffel. A pair of socks were balled up at the bottom along with his boxer shorts. Lucas had cleverly stashed away some of his music in the folds of the underwear and a book on computer linguistics hidden in a pair of his pajama pants.
Lucas emerged from the head a half an hour later, tightly holding the towel around his thin frame. Nathan winced inwardly at the sight of Lucas' ribs, poking out just gently. Kristin had warned him that Lucas had lost some weight, but he hadn't expected to see it so pointedly. Despite it though, Kristin swore up and down that they were doing something right and they just had to deal with the side effects of the therapy.
"Thanks, Captain." Lucas took his clothes and dressed with his back to Nathan. He used the towel to carefully hide his body as he pulled on each garment, and made sure to fling it into the hamper when he was done. He stopped then and bounced on his heels, the corner of his mouth quirked as he watched Nathan.
"What? Are you waiting for something?"
"Captain!" It would have been an effective whine had Nathan not been desensitized to such things. Still he couldn't ignore the grin on Lucas' face, and after a few more seconds of teasing, he stood and dressed.
Ben was amid a packing nightmare when the two arrived. His regulation duffel was already brimming with clothes and toiletries and another two smaller bags were each nearly full. His drawers were all open, his desk covered in papers and other small trinkets, and Ben was in the middle of it, looking shell-shocked as he held a picture of himself and Katie at their wedding, his mother behind them.
"Ben?" Lucas called softly, moving toward the man. He tried to make some noise to alert Ben that he was coming closer but it still surprised Krieg when he realized Lucas and Bridger were there.
"Sorry, I'm just a little..." He scratched his head. His hair was pointing in about six directions and shirt was turned up in the back, socks missing and he when he stood he was half on the hem of his jeans. "Well. Hey, Lucas, how you doing, kid?"
"A lot better than you are."
Nathan snorted, "Lucas, why don't you help Lieutenant Krieg clean up and I'll make sure everything fits in these."
Ben turned scarlet; he had intended to be done packing by the time Lucas came around. He wanted to spend some time talking with the kid, giving him a few things he'd been hiding in his quarters. But he'd woken up to a phone call from his little sister, crying about the coma and how their mother was going to die and where was he? It was difficult to explain to her that he really had no wish to see the woman.
He'd rather stay with Lucas on seaQuest, but he'd already alienated half his family over his feud with his mother, and it wouldn't have paid to lose the rest. So he'd pulled his tired body from his bed and gotten started at 0600. It was 0930 – he'd been sitting on his floor for half an hour, staring at the old picture.
"Ben, hey. Where's this go?" Lucas held up a few wires and other supplies.
Forcing himself away from his thoughts, Ben pointed out the boxes each were kept in and set to righting his quarters. It ultimately took the three of them an hour to do so, but when he was done it was almost immaculate. His bags were set and he thanked the Captain profusely. Something Nathan rebuked and whispered, "Consider it repayment for taking care of him."
Ben let it go because he didn't believe he did anything spectacular for Lucas except be there. Something he would later realize meant more to Lucas than anything else.
"The cruelest lies are
often told in silence."
- Robert Louis Stevenson -
Lucas didn't sleep the first night of his second round of treatment. Between the appearance of chemo burns and his worry for Ben, he wasn't able to get himself calmed down enough. Kristin ended up sedating him when she came to check on him in the morning, upset that her nursing staff had not called anyone about it.
The next night he wouldn't be able to sleep for an entirely different reason.
Because they'd been so focused on getting him recovered enough for the next round, Nathan and Kristin had pushed aside the talk they'd been meaning to have with him. Lucas had been kept out of the loop for almost six weeks and when Nathan realized that, he'd contacted Kristin. She'd tried to dissuade him, but even she knew it had to be done.
It was a talk that could have gone in so many directions. It could have started with Nathan explaining that they had kept things from him out of concern for his wellbeing or it could have started with Kristin explaining the state of his illness and how she'd stopped Bridger from telling him. It could have been done with Nathan being firm and Kristin keeping an eye on Lucas' heartrate.
Instead it started off at the bottom of the hill and tunneled its way through the Earth. Nathan had begun with an apology and Lucas had taken note immediately. Kristin jumped in, jumbling everything at first until Lucas got a handle on what was going on and all the pent up anger and frustration exploded.
Nurses stopped outside the hatch to listen as Lucas berated the CMO and the Captain. Drs. Strong and Jones hurried to usher them away, while contemplating bursting into the room and dragging Kristin and Nathan out. They knew, however, that the relationship between the three people was a complicated at best and they left them, weary of the pressure and stress that was being placed on Lucas.
"I'm not a child! Stop treating me like one!" Lucas demanded finally, his voice grown hoarse and his body trembling with emotion.
Quite truthfully, Lucas wasn't really mad at either Kristin or Nathan. Nor was he truly that upset that they'd kept something from him. It was that he could feel what little control he'd garnered over his life slipping away quickly.
So used to his parents controlling everything from when he ate to when he slept to what he wore, it had been amazing when he'd gone to college and discovered what freedom felt like. He'd grown to like the feeling that he was his own master, that he'd learned how best and when to smart off to his father; he could control his beatings. He could control something and he liked it. He'd loved it when he'd gotten on to seaQuest and found he respected Bridger enough to not feel like he was being abused.
Though, now, it felt like his hard fought control was being taken away. He was scared and frustrated and Lucas wanted to hit something. Then suddenly, it washed away and he barely had time to let Kristin know he was about to be sick before he was.
"Easy, Lucas," Nathan coaxed, rubbing his back and holding the basin while Kristin left the room. His nose recoiled at the smell of bile; Lucas had eaten nothing for breakfast, his stomach unable to handle even a look at a bare plate.
He finished just as Kristin returned, a syringe with some drug or another in her hands. She reached for the opening in his gown, parting it just enough to reach the tubes of the IC line and injected it. "There. That should help."
They stood there for a few seconds, soothing Lucas and easing him back until he was once again lying down.
As he fell asleep he could see the look exchanged by Kristin and Nathan, and managed to tell them, "I'm sorry," before he was out cold.
Nathan sighed. He knew Lucas was upset that he'd yelled, but it had actually made Nathan happy to hear something more than sadness come from Lucas. It had been hard to see how the boy suffered under the burden, thinking he had to be brave for his friends when what he wanted to do was to be told they'd work everything out.
Kristin made herself think back to the other night, forced herself to think of how precious the two had looked. How right it was that Lucas would be protected, even in sleep, by the man who truly felt like Lucas' father. She wished she'd had a camera but the picture was blazed in her mind and she hoped that the peace from that moment could be reestablished when Lucas woke up.
"I'll stay with him."
Her eyes snapped away from Lucas and she nodded. "I'll be in my office."
"Diagnosis is not the end,
but the beginning of practice."
- Martin H. Fischer -
"The best I can do is another month, Nathan. The UEO isn't pleased by this and they don't want Wolenczak tied up in the courts," Bill told him. He looked tired and upset and Nathan knew he would have been read the riot act if Kristin had been anywhere near; he realized he'd never thanked Noyce for all the work he'd been doing for Lucas.
"We'll have to make that enough," Nathan replied. "Really, Bill, thank you. This means a lot to everyone here."
It really did. The entire senior staff was insanely protective of the boy and that someone in a high place was looking after Lucas' best interests made them all feel a bit better. It didn't help a lot when they were watching Lucas be so uncomfortable he couldn't sleep or eat, but it still made them a bit more comfortable.
He waved off the appreciation, "Lucas is worth it, right?" He gave a small smile, thinking of the papers he had sent out that morning. Nathan's petition for custody would be filed by the close of business that day; Lucas would be Nathan's charge until the trial was done.
"Yeah. He is," Nathan nodded. Lucas was definitely worth a few sleepless nights and calling in countless favors, "But seriously, Bill, you have no idea how much it means to everyone that you're willing to do these things for him."
A knock on the hatch stole Nathan's attention and then Miguel Ortiz appeared. "Sorry, sir, I didn't realize..." He moved to back away and Nathan stopped him with a raised hand. He hung in the doorway, holding his cap in his hands and waiting for the Captain to tell him what to do.
"Bill, I'll get back to you later."
"Alright," He nodded. Noyce knew what Ortiz had come around for and he offered a quick word of advice, "Don't be afraid, son. He only looks scary." Nathan made a face at him and he told Bridger he'd call later, then terminated the connection.
"I didn't mean to interrupt, sir."
Nathan waved him in, "Not a problem, Mr. Ortiz. Admiral Noyce and I have been talking twice a day since this whole thing started with Lucas. We can stand to have one call cut short." He paused while Miguel sat, adding, "And anyway, I think you've wanted to talk to me about this for a while now."
"This, sir?" Miguel blanched. The Captain knew?
"About you and Mr. O'Neill," Nathan smirked, watching as Miguel turned white. "Off the record, Miguel, I'm happy for you both. Be good to each other," he said. "On the record, just don't let it interfere with your work. So long as you both maintain a working relationship, I can ensure the UEO will not split you up."
Ortiz relaxed, "Thank you, sir." He had sincerely feared his Captain would go back to the old policies of Don't Ask, Don't Tell, something which had been thrown out a decade before. He hoped the Captain's blessing would help Tim to stop worrying so much.
His thoughts turned to Lucas at the sad look in Bridger's eyes. "How's Lucas?"
"Tired. Dr. Jones and Dr. Westphalen are running more tests, but they think he's getting better," Nathan replied. He conveniently left out that Lucas had been unable to keep any food down and Abbott had recommended a nasogastric tube. Lucas had balked at the idea of a feeding tube, but Nathan was sure when he returned to medbay that Lucas would have one.
"I was thinking about what you said the other day, sir, about Lucas' parents," Miguel twisted his hands. He was definitely nervous; when Bridger had sat down his entire senior staff in the ward room and discussed with them the upcoming trial, he'd also asked them to report any incidents that they witnessed which could confirm the abuse.
Miguel had almost blurted out right then a clear memory of the last shore leave they'd had, when Lucas had returned from his mother's house two days in, ravenous and limping. Ortiz had started to suspect then that something was wrong – Lucas normally lived on junk food, avoiding anything with nutritional value, but that trip he'd eaten anything that'd been put in front of him.
He told the Captain about that shore leave, about the hurt in Lucas' eyes when they'd picked him up from Cynthia Wolenczak's and his inability to put full weight on his leg. The fact that the trip was three and a half months before Lucas had been diagnosed with cancer and he had likely had tumors forming in his bones upset Miguel. The lack of food and the pain in his thigh must have been excruciating, but he'd never said anything.
"Miguel, could you repeat this in court if needed?" he asked, already reaching for a pile of papers on his desk. The lawyer's number was printed on a card stuffed in a folder pocket and he handed one to Ortiz when the man agreed. "I'll let Peter know about this but if you or Tim think of anything else, call him."
Miguel left and Nathan watched him go. He made a mental note to call Peter before he went to bed that night, tidied his papers, and left his quarters. Lucas' anti-emetics had likely worn off and despite needing them, Kristin could only administer them at intervals. He often suffered through an hour or more of being sick before he could get his next dose.
He moved through the halls quickly, passing various crewmembers who waved at him as he went. Some went to attention and were surprised when he passed them without putting them at ease. They were still new enough that they didn't understand a lot of how seaQuest operated.
Nathan didn't have the time to explain.
When he entered the medbay, he immediately noticed Abbott and Jessie running from one room to another and dragging out various medications. Kristin was no where to be found and every nurse on duty was busy trying to clean up the swath of destruction the two oncologists left. Nathan bustled through as carefully as possible, all but bursting into Lucas' room and stopping short.
Lucas was bent over an emesis basin; his lips were red and swollen, his skin clammy and pale. There was blood down the front of his gown and Kristin was busily trying to wipe it off of him while doling out orders to those around her.
He walked over, setting himself beside Lucas' bed. Nathan immediately reached for the cloth and took it from Kristin, gesturing her away and the grateful look she gave him made him worry. Something was desperately wrong; he tried to get a conversation out of Lucas, ask simple questions but the boy never answered. Lucas grunted a few times and winced when Nathan wiped the blood off a burn. He didn't use words.
Abbott eventually flurried in, ignoring Nathan as he administered several drugs and then tried to settle Lucas on his back. It was then that Bridger noted the feeding tube had indeed been set up, but it seemed Lucas was having trouble getting air. He looked weakly at the world around him and when Kristin returned with one of his long sleeved shirts, Lucas didn't even object to being changed.
"Kristin, what's going on?" Nathan asked, helping to pull the shirt over Lucas' head.
"His temperature dropped through the floor half an hour ago. We immediately stopped the chemo, but it's still in his system and we're trying to get him warm. We're not sure where the blood came from except we think he has stomach ulcers. The tube went down his throat the wrong way the first time and now he can't breathe well," She listed.
Kristin grabbed the oxygen mask and set it over Lucas' mouth. He pulled away at first but she held it there and Lucas eventually settled. His eyes opened just enough that Nathan could see the dull blue of the boy's eyes and he took Lucas' hand. "It's alright, kiddo. We'll fix this."
The look Kristin gave him was bitter, a warning against making promises he couldn't keep. It softened after a minute and she nodded because she remembered when Cynthia was a teenager, sick with meningitis and the pain she'd been in. She'd have made any promise to keep the girl still; she patted Lucas' shoulder, "Do you need some more painkillers?"
Lucas didn't seem to comprehend what she'd said at first, but managed to shake his head, "Cold."
"Abbott and Dr. Levine are collecting some blankets and a heating pad, sweetheart. We'll get you warm as soon as we can," Kristin soothed.
Nathan rubbed the boy's arms, trying to add some warmth through fiction and thought of something to talk about, coming up with his news from Krieg. "Ben called today. He said he'll be back in a few days."
Lucas lit up. Well, lit up as much as he could under the circumstances. It made Nathan purse his lips out of worry and he hurried to help Levine get Lucas covered in the blankets when the man appeared. Abbott followed with a heating pad and several hot water bottles, which they situated around Lucas with as little fuss as possible.
The blue tinge to Lucas' lips started to dissipate and Nathan listened as all of the doctors whispered between each other. Jargon he couldn't understand if he tried flew between them; Nathan tried to make sense of it, but he lost interest when Lucas began to move, trying to escape the weight of the blankets.
"Calm down, it's alright. Just give me a minute," he chanted softly as he pulled off the first two blankets and Lucas stilled. Nathan moved Lucas' long bangs from his eyes, feeling all the more weary when he realized Lucas' hair was thinner than it had been a week before.
"Nathan, could you leave the room for just a minute?" Kristin asked him a few minutes later and immediately withdrew the question when Lucas flopped a hand onto Nathan's arm, scrunching his fingers as tightly as he could. Lucas didn't want the Captain going anywhere.
He eyed her, "What's the matter?"
"We think that it's possible that he's developed hepatotoxicity from the form of chemotherapy he's on. We've been doing regular tests to monitor his liver function, but we only just got back the last round of tests an hour ago." She sighed, "I need to see if his liver is enlarged."
He nodded, helping shift the blankets and to comfort Lucas as he was exposed to the air again, his gown opened and for the first time he could see the true level of devastation – Lucas' left testicle was enlarged, his two-week old incision stitched shut with black thread that was prominent on the pale skin; chemo burns dotted his chest and every breath Lucas took was accompanied by a shudder. His legs were swollen, his skin was beginning to jaundice.
Kristin gently pressed down on his belly and Lucas tried valiantly to wiggle away, too weak to yell but he still tried. Nathan had to forcibly hold him down, not using a whole lot of his weight to do so and when Kristin stopped, so did he. "I'm sorry, kiddo," he immediately apologized, taking an offered washcloth and wiping the sweat from Lucas' forehead and neck.
"S'okay, Cap'n," he muttered back. Lucas shivered, but whined when Nathan stopped his ministrations. Nathan started again, letting Kristin fix the boy's blankets; Lucas laid back and tilted his head so Bridger could get behind his ears, "S'good."
"I guess so," Nathan smiled gently. He continued to wipe the cloth down the side of Lucas' face, his neck, to his collarbones and Lucas fell asleep like that, almost completely unaware of the melee around him.
"Nathan, I need to speak to you. Joshua, come with me," Kristin instructed once she saw Lucas had gone to sleep. She moved quickly away from the room and into her office, gesturing them in and talking a mile a minute as soon as the door closed. Levine added in bits and pieces, both explaining what would be done for Lucas: the chemo would be stopped and they would need to ascertain the extent of the damage to his liver.
Without specialized drugs to treat hepatotoxicity, the only thing they could do was ensure he didn't have a bilirubin blockage and treat the symptoms. Kristin was clearly not thrilled by the idea but it was all they could do.
"But without the chemo what do we do?"
Kristin looked about ready to hit her head on something and Nathan was sure he wouldn't like what she was going to say, "Without using chemotherapy as the main treatment we have to start him on radiation, but I'm hesitant to do so yet. He'll need shotgun radiation blasts – blasts that cover an entire area of his body as opposed to a focused site – and over his groin... He will most likely become sterile from that."
"Can we put off the chemo for now, get him better and put him back on?" Nathan asked, hopeful. Lucas was just fifteen and he already was upset at the idea of losing one testicle, let alone being sterile.
"We can try, but the longer we wait, the less effective the treatment becomes and the cancer has time to spread. He can't afford to keep taking these breaks," Levine replied. He continued when Kristin nodded for him to go on. "His body is already having a hard time keeping up. After the first round, the nausea set in and his hair began falling out. I told Dr. Jones that I thought we needed to slow this down because Lucas' body couldn't handle so much at once, but Dr. Strong convinced us that an aggressive treatment was best.
"However, seeing how sick he's getting, I think it's too aggressive. If anything kills him, it won't be the cancer – it'll be the treatment."
"There are always two choices, two paths to take.
One is easy and it's only reward is that it's easy."
- Anonymous -
Nathan groaned as he rolled over, finding Lucas once again sitting at the desk with a computer in front of him. Kristin had decided that though it made the medical staff feel better to have Lucas near, Lucas did better when left to Nathan's care and released the boy to him.
Unlike earlier times, however, Lucas was unable to sleep and Nathan was rapidly growing distressed over it. Without the time at night for his body to regain energy, Lucas became weaker and his temper shortened. Nathan was helpless to force sleep on Lucas and it was straining their relationship.
It had only been four days.
The blockage in Lucas' liver had been fixed three days before, which helped the jaundice, but the residual fatigue had stayed as had the swelling in his legs and he got sick several times a day. The anti-emetics meant to stop that had ceased to work and Kristin had no others that she felt comfortable giving him considering Lucas' luck with side effects.
As such, without the medication to stop the vomiting, Lucas would wake at least a few times each night and race into the bathroom. Nathan had stopped trying to get Lucas back into bed and instead he would wake to find Lucas working on some project or another.
"Lucas," Nathan started, intending to get the boy off the computer and hoping it wouldn't end in an argument. Lucas pretended to not hear him and Nathan closed his eyes against the headache. "Lucas, please put the computer away."
"But Captain..." He started to whine, but Nathan didn't want to hear it. He got up and took the laptop away, closing it and putting it to the side. Lucas immediately opened his mouth as if preparing to argue, then huffed when he realized that he wouldn't win any argument he put forth. Nathan had spoken; he wouldn't compromise, and Lucas snapped, "Well what should I do then?"
"How about you cut the attitude and get dressed?" Nathan replied, not a bit fazed by the anger of Lucas' words. He was thrown a little when Lucas continued to sit in the chair, but that changed quickly when he added, "Lieutenant Krieg is getting back and I thought you'd like to be there when he got off the launch, but I guess I'll let him know you wanted to sulk instead."
Lucas had already gotten into the head by the time Nathan finished and the man smiled to himself, thinking that perhaps he'd just not been using the correct motivation the previous days. He pulled out a clean uniform, pulling the shirt on, and was nearly done getting the jumpsuit on when he heard the thud.
He moved to the door and knocked, calling Lucas' name and growing increasingly more nervous when he didn't get a reply. After the sixteenth time he'd demanded Lucas open the door, he reached for his PAL and ordered a team to report to his quarters with a blowtorch to open it.
They were nearly there when Lucas finally responded, sounding sleepy and weak, and he managed to open the door with a little trouble. Nathan immediately swooped in, almost forgetting to call off the team.
They came anyway, toting Westphalen with them. She just about shoved the men apart to get to Lucas and immediately began looking him over. It took several minutes of convincing by him to get her to move, letting him stand and explain that he'd started to get sick again and blacked out when he couldn't get a full breath. "I musta hit my head when I fell and then I heard the Captain calling me," Lucas told her as she blotted the blood from his forehead.
"You're lucky you don't have a concussion," she chastised. Kristin was not pleased; she'd sent Lucas home with Nathan to get the boy well, not injured. "And where were you? I told you he was too sick to be taking showers!"
He looked at Lucas, "See, I told you she can turn anything around on me." Nathan looked back at Kristin, "I asked him to get cleaned up, so we could go meet Lieutenant Krieg's launch. I didn't know he was going to try to shower."
Lucas had grinned at Nathan's statement, garnering him a glare from Kristin. She covered the small cut with a butterfly closure and spoke again. "How are you feeling now? Nauseous, dizzy?"
"I feel same as I have been all week," he responded truthfully. "I mean I don't feel any worse than I have been."
"Alright. Then I won't have you brought back to medbay now. But remember, if you feel like you're getting dizzier or dehydrated, or anything we can treat you for, I want you back, understood?" Kristin demanded and was only appeased when Lucas nodded, then she turned, tossed another sharp look at Nathan, and left. The engineering team left with her, leaving Lucas and Nathan alone.
They silently moved out to the main portion of the cabin, Lucas settling on Nathan's bed and wrapping himself in the blanket. Nathan searched for clean clothes in Lucas' duffel bag, but coming up with none, he remembered Lucas had worn the last clean outfit that night. Sighing, he went to his own closet and dug out a pair of too-big jeans and a shirt that hung off Lucas more than the boy's own did.
"Thanks," Lucas muttered as he got dressed and with a small voice asked, "Captain? Do you think... I mean... If I let them take the, you know, testicle, could it make things easier?"
Nathan, having finished changing into his own clean clothes, stopped. He'd been preparing himself for that question for a while, ever since they'd realized the cancer had spread there, but it was still a shock. "I don't know. Dr. Westphalen and I have talked about it and she thinks it might, but Dr. Levine and Dr. Jones aren't sure," He responded, then asked, "Why, Lucas?"
Lucas shifted on the bed and tugged at his shirt, chewed his lip, "I want them to get rid of it. I don't want it in me."
"You're sure?" Nathan asked, approaching the bed. Lucas nodded at him, but wouldn't hold his gaze. He asked again, "No, Lucas – are you sure? If I tell them this, they'll want to schedule immediate surgery. Once they take it, there is no going back."
"I'm not sure, but I know I don't want to die," Lucas admitted, blue eyes watching Bridger and daring him to argue. He worried that the Captain would tell him that he wasn't going to die, to not worry about it and they'd figure something out. The same words he'd heard a thousand times from the man.
But Nathan wasn't going to argue. He wanted Lucas well and if Lucas had finally realized he needed to sacrifice a testicle to do so, he wasn't going to stop him. First though, he was going to let Lucas have time to allow the knowledge to sink in. Lucas was just a teenager and Nathan had to be sure he understood what would happen.
Lucas watched him for a second. "I mean... I don't want to die over a testicle. It's just not that important."
Nathan blinked. A teenager saying that was monumental and it spoke of the intelligence Lucas had. Few others, young or old, would say something so perfectly true. "It's definitely not worth your life," he nodded. "We'll talk to Kristin after we see Ben, alright. She'll probably want to go over everything, make sure you definitely want to do that."
"You'll have to sign the papers for it, right?" Lucas asked, still trying to understand the guardianship thing. He hadn't really gotten what it meant legally even though he was sure Nathan would explain it if he asked; he didn't actually care all that much, because he trusted the Captain.
"So long as you keep saying this is what you want to do, yes. But, kiddo, listen, if you waver on this, I won't do it. I need you to be completely sure." He touched the side of Lucas' head briefly, "What's going on up here is pretty upsetting to you and I know you don't really like the idea of being cut open again, so I'm not going to allow anything that will make you more upset."
"You mean more depressed," Lucas said. He knew what Bridger meant. He'd known the man long enough to interpret the hidden meanings and read between the lines. "You mean you don't want to do anything that might make me want to kill myself."
Nathan nodded, "I told you when this started that I would do everything in my power to keep you safe and alive. I made that promise to you and to myself; I promised I wouldn't let you endanger yourself either."
"Good idea." Lucas looked up a little more solemn, "I don't think I'll be changing my mind, Captain."
He reached for Nathan, who pulled Lucas to him. They hugged silently and let go after they both relaxed. "So, ready to go find Ben? He's probably waiting for us."
Lucas grinned from ear to ear. He waited patiently for the Captain to sign off on some paperwork, asking for help to stand after Nathan finished. They moved through the corridors slowly, arriving there to find that Ben was, indeed, already in the launch bay. However, he'd already been greeted by someone.
He was crying on Katie's shoulder, his face buried in the fabric of her uniform while she rubbed his back and offered condolences. Lucas and the Captain waited, trying to appear as if they weren't watching and shooing anyone who stopped to gawk.
Lucas had given in to his fatigue and sat down when Ben noticed their presence. He quietly moved away from Hitchcock and wiped his eyes, "Sorry, sir. I just..."
Nathan shook his head as he cut Krieg off. "You're entitled, Ben. How was the service?" He pretended not to realize Ben and Katie were still holding hands. He knew the only person who understood what had happened between mother and son was the Lieutenant Commander; Ben likely needed her support just to remain standing. "Did you get the flowers?"
Ben nodded, "Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. My sister sends her thanks as well." He paused, as if trying to find the words he needed. It took a minute but he continued, answering the first question, "The service was... good. No one fought." His slumped shoulders spoke of a different story, but Nathan didn't push it – the death of a parent was devastating enough without someone asking a million questions.
"Hey, Lucas," Ben smiled, looking utterly pathetic with red-rimmed eyes as he attempted to change the subject, "How ya' doing, kid?"
Lucas grinned back, "I'm okay."
And just like that, Ben and Lucas were back to normal.
"A mother's love is peace. It need not
be acquired, it need not be deserved."
- Erich Fromm -
The day before Lucas was set to have the testicle removed, the new form of chemotherapy and different set of anti-emetics the oncologists and Kristin had agreed on, arrived. It had been shipped in medical crates with a sticker on the side labeling it hazardous and Levine hadn't had time to have someone clean out a supply room for it, so it sat in the corner of Lucas' medbay room.
He had memorized every edge and figured out that despite the precision associated with medicine, the corners of the crate were not ninety degrees but eighty-nine or ninety-one. He had figured out what font had been used on the label.
He had determined how much would have to be given at one time for it to kill him.
Lucas had gotten up twice the night before the surgery, lifting the crate lid and peering at the contents. The bags looked so innocuous, innocent and a vague wonder of how something so deadly could be contained inside bits of plastic. It burned in his veins, killed all cells be they healthy or cancerous, and had damaged his liver. Yet it could be safely transported from California to the Irish Ocean in a crate without spilling or any damage.
"Hey," Ben announced as he wandered in, looking around as if he were a spy avoiding detection. Lucas knew something was up; Ben only did that when he was about to get them both into trouble. He produced a perfectly wrapped gift and handed it over, "Just a little something I saw upworld."
Lucas took it, curious. It wasn't big enough to be any sort of naked hologram, but not small enough to be a random trinket. He ripped off the paper, his fingers cramping already with the effort, and he was nearly in awe.
For the first time in the time Lucas had known Ben, the man had gotten him an honest to god gift that wasn't technology or music. It was a crystal dolphin, just the right size to fit into his palm. He rotated the creature and watched the lights refract color against his skin. "It's like a prism!" Lucas grinned, looking up at Ben.
"Thought you'd like it," Ben shrugged. "Anyway, how you doing? Lefty said goodbye to righty?"
Lucas made a face, "Ben..."
Krieg lost the amused look. "I'm sorry, kid. I'm kinda new to this whole thing." He moved closer to the bed, watching Lucas toy idly with the crystal dolphin. Ben had found the thing one morning in San Francisco, having been ejected from his sister's house after announcing he didn't care in the least about the funeral arrangements. So he had hunted the streets for something to bring Lucas.
He'd almost passed it by too; hidden behind several larger pieces, Ben had started to leave the store when he noticed it. It was perfect and simplistic, and the owner smiled brightly at him when he'd handed over the 150 credits. He had destroyed the receipt to ensure Lucas would never know.
"It's... hard to know you've got to worry about things like this, kid. God knows, I was more worried about girls when I was your age." Ben glanced away and then back at Lucas. "You're the bravest person I know and you're half my age."
"Thanks," Lucas whispered after a few minutes had passed. He was tempted to make some joke about death, considering Ben's sudden seriousness but Lucas stopped himself. Ben had candidly explained that his mother's death had made him rethink a lot of his life and relationships. He had admitted that when the senior staff had been informed that Lucas would be off the duty roster, his first feeling was helplessness – he couldn't fix cancer with a contact or computer chip.
"Just get better," Ben told him. "Get better quick. Getting in trouble with Katie on my own is not nearly as much fun."
Lucas nodded, "I'm working on it."
Ben disappeared without a word then, leaving Lucas to play with his new toy. The dolphin cast the entire room in color if he held it in the right position, but the smooth feeling of the crystal under his fingers was addictive and he let his fingers move along the side, the tail, the nose. It reminded him of Darwin and he smiled.
Kristin eventually walked in and began checking the monitors situated around him, noting something in his chart and putting it back. Leaning against the railing, she looked at the dolphin. "That's beautiful. Where did you get that?"
"Ben gave it to me," he handed it to her and watched as she took it with care. He sat back, pushing the empty box away. "I don't know where I'll put it. It'll probably get crushed by something in my room."
"I'm sure you'll find some place safe for it." She smiled at him as she handed it back. His fingers brushed over the tail, following the contours as if the dolphin were some sort of worry doll.
"Nathan was called to the bridge, something about the Amazonian Confederation," she told him. "He promised to be here when you wake up."
Lucas nodded. He'd been sure there would be some reason Nathan couldn't be there to see him into the surgery, but it didn't chaff like it had before. He figured it had to do with the conversation they'd had the previous day.
There had been questions Lucas didn't want to answer, but with his usual patience Nathan got Lucas to tell him about the work Lawrence had stolen from him, the insults and taunts both parents had thrown at him. The tales Lucas had told spoke of the horrors Nathan had only seen in war – broken bones that stuck from the skin, rashes and welts, bruises hidden beneath his beloved jerseys.
He'd told countless lies to cover injuries, but the lies wouldn't work with Bridger. He knew the truth and refused to let Lucas take any blame. Nathan had tempered any comments with gentle responses like, "You were the child. They were the ones who were wrong."
"Lucas?" Kristin called.
"Sorry, just thinking," he responded, scratching his belly. "Is this supposed to itch so much? Lucas had been keeping an eye on his incision; he was a little worried that it was taking so long to heal. Despite assurances that he would heal, it was just slowed down, Lucas still checked it everyday in the hopes he would wake and it would have disappeared.
"Yes," Kristin moved the blanket, "The new skin is coming in. About time, too. I was beginning to think we'd have to graft some skin over it."
Lucas looked at her, "Why would you have done that?" A bigger wound wouldn't have helped matters, at least in his mind.
"This isn't as small an incision as it looks, Lucas. It's only four inches wide, but we cut tissue and moved every organ on your pelvis to get the tumors. This hole in you goes all the way in and you don't need another staph infection," she told him as she checked the incision herself. Obviously pleased, she rearranged the blanket and asked about his nausea and fatigue.
"Then we're all set, then. Scared?" Kristin spoke after Lucas told her he was alright. She herself seemed worked up, as if she was the one about to go under the knife for the second time in less than a month.
He shook his head, "I'm okay. I mean I don't care that it's got to be taken, but what if it doesn't help?" The strength on his face was replaced by fear at the thought and Lucas looked down at the dolphin for a few seconds then back at her.
"It'll help. It's less cancer in your body that the chemo needs to fight," Kristin forced a smile on her face. It really didn't work like that, but her main goal since their discovery that the cancer had spread beyond his bones had been to keep Lucas' spirits up. She had absolutely no qualms telling a few white lies to do so.
Lucas nodded, "So who's the bearer of the knockout drugs today?"
Kristin clicked her tongue at him and rolled her eyes, "Dr. Brill will come in half an hour to get your anesthesia started. This surgery shouldn't take nearly as long as your last one, so we can hopefully have you settled in Nathan's quarters this evening."
"Why the Captain's quarters?" That hadn't been covered when Kristin and Abbott talked to him about what would happen during the operation. Lucas had assumed that when no mention was made of recovering outside of medbay, it had been because they were going to keep him for a few days.
"Well, we wanted you to stay but Nathan apparently is pulling the morning shift today and he has tomorrow off. He and Commander Ford traded off and Nathan is doing the graveyard shift on Saturday," she sighed, "which means he can keep an eye on you for today, tomorrow, and most of the day Saturday."
The news made Lucas smile and he put the dolphin aside as he began to talk with his hands more avidly than before. "So I can do a little work then? I mean he'll be there to make sure I don't over do it after all. I need Ben to bring a few things over."
"Oh, no you don't. You can have your computers and your work tomorrow. Not today. You didn't come out of your anesthesia normally last time since you were sick. I doubt when I come by to bring you both dinner, you'll be doing anything more than sleeping." Her look was sharp and Lucas pouted. She crossed her arms and leaned back, "That won't work. You forget I'm a mother. We're immune."
The mention of mothers threw Lucas off. He wasn't used to the image of mothers as caring people; granted he'd always known, even as a toddler, that his mother was different, Lucas had never made the connection between mothers and love. It was foreign, it was strange, and he stared at Kristin for a minute, before letting out a weak laugh, "Yeah. Forgot about that."
Kristin observed him with an alertness normally reserved for her work with deadly organisms. Lucas didn't seem to realize that his emotions had risen so close to the surface that they were playing across his face, a twisted medley. Anger and sadness, disgust, then guilt. "Lucas, what did I say?" she asked, knowing it had to have been something she did.
"Nothing. It's nothing." He shook his head, the sandy blond hair shifting around his eyes. He risked a glimpse at Kristin, whipping his head back when he felt the reply rise in his throat. Lies were easy and he tried to think of one she'd believe, but stopped. He couldn't do it – Lucas couldn't lie to Bridger and he couldn't lie to Westphalen either.
He finally drew his gaze back up from his fingers, "I was thinking about my mo... Cynthia."
"Oh. What about her?" Casual, as if Lucas would be more inclined to answer if she wasn't forceful.
"I guess I didn't associate you with being a mother before," he told her. "You're nice and I know... I mean, I understand moms are supposed to be nice, but it's still hard to understand, you know?"
Kristin felt her blood pressure rise, she saw red for a moment and then forced herself to calm. The idea that Lucas hadn't understood love or caring coming from a maternal place was upsetting because no child should have to grow up without that. Unfortunately, it was what Cynthia Wolenczak had done. She'd taken away the love Lucas needed to grow up happy and left him unable to make sense of any affection shown to him.
"Well, we'll see if I can't change your mind," Kristin told him, touching his hand and holding him close when Lucas reached for her. She stayed there with him in her arms, never moving, even after Lucas fell asleep.