"A sister is someone who reaches for
your hand and touches your heart."
- Anonymous -
Nathan was losing his mind with boredom.
Kristin had left her decree that he was not allowed to do any work or have any visitors except medical staff until he had gotten a little better. He was suddenly having a great deal of empathy for Lucas and hoped Lucas wasn't upset over Nathan's sudden illness.
"Ah, so you're still in the bed this time," Kristin joked when she walked in. She gone into the room to check on him just before she'd left to see Lucas and found Nathan attempting to stand up on his own, something his body was not ready to do.
He nodded, "Yes I am. How's Lucas?"
Not surprised in the least that Lucas was his first priority no matter what, Kristin told him she'd left him sleeping in quarters. "Tim volunteered to stay with him for the night in case Lucas needed help, but from the looks of it, Lucas isn't going to be waking up any time soon."
"Is there any hope I'll get to see him tomorrow before the chemo?" Nathan asked, and prayed silently that Kristin would let him.
"I'm sorry, Nathan, but his immune system is already compromised. I can't chance exposing him to you right now," She told him. It was hard to tell the man no when she knew Lucas would want to see his father, but the last thing Lucas needed was the get pneumonia and Kristin made sure to say that.
He nodded and laid back while she prodded his IVs, adjusting something and then telling Nathan he could be out of the medbay within a few days. "You have to rest and let your lungs repair, but so long as you don't try to go running off to the bridge, I think you'll be out of here by Tuesday."
"That's too late," He said. Nathan knew Kristin would understand what he was objecting to, and she did.
Kristin sighed; she knew better than anyone how Nathan tried to be with Lucas when the boy had his treatments. It helped Lucas relax and it allowed Nathan to comfort him through the bad spots, deepening the bond between them.
"It's only one treatment. I'll get you radios and he'll be in the room across the way," she told him. Kristin wanted it to be enough to appease Nathan, since she wasn't keen on the idea of them being too far apart. Wendy had said it wasn't healthy for Lucas to be as attached to Nathan as he was, but she hadn't seen how Lucas isolated himself before. Smith couldn't understand that Lucas was, for the first time in his life, encouraged to get close with his father.
"As soon as I'm no longer contagious, I want to be in that room with him, Kristin."
She glared at him, "No – your immune system will be mending as it is. It'll be better if I keep you both in separate rooms, but you can see him for a few minutes a day once the antibiotics have run their course... stop fiddling with that!"
Nathan reluctantly took his hand away from the nasal canula. "When you send the sanitizing team to B-deck, make sure you get to Lucas' dog. Things will be ten time easier tomorrow if he has that toy."
"I'll make sure they get to it. Now, get some rest," she coaxed him, looking exhausted herself. Her last full night of sleep was at the estate before the trial's close and she desperately wished she could get another night like that one, with the warmth of the blankets around her and blessed, blessed silence.
"You too." Nathan shooed her from the room, ordering her to sleep as she left and Kristin snorted at the idea; she didn't have to take his orders and she usually didn't. But then this was sleep he was ordering her to do and she was not going to look that gift horse in the mouth.
Fortunately, her quarters were among the ones to be undamaged when seaQuest took on water and Kristin felt the tension melt from between her shoulders. She contemplated running a bath, but she knew she'd fall asleep and death by drowning just didn't seem pleasant.
Kristin changed into some clean pajamas instead, grabbed the control for the vidscreen, then dialed Cynthia and hoped her daughter would be around. She felt almost guilty for not having had the time to see what the woman had been up to while she cared for Lucas, but when Cynthia answered on the third ring, she immediately started in on her latest work without preamble.
Listening to Cynthia talk, Kristin settled into her bed and drew out her journal. She jotted down several notes, adding a reminder that someone needed to see to Lucas' pound puppy before his treatment; she nodded in the right places and waited for Cynthia to finish.
"So how's Lucas?"
Kristin looked up at her daughter, "He's tired and he'll be recovering for a long time after this, but I think he's going to be alright." She made a noise of annoyance, "Nathan's sick now as well and he's a worse patient than Lucas. He refuses to listen to a word I have to say."
Cynthia smirked at her. "Well, at least they're both in the same place. Don't have to chase them all over seaQuest," she said and added a few minutes later, spiritedly, "I forgot! I sent Lucas something a while ago. A pound puppy..."
"Ah, so you're the culprit. I've been wondering who'd given him that," Kristin smiled. She had asked Lucas where he'd gotten it, but he'd simply told her it was a gift from a good friend and hadn't elaborated.
"Someone donated a number of toys for the kids and I figured Lucas could use one." Cynthia shrugged off Kristin's thanks, telling her, "He's been through a lot. I just thought he could use something to hold on to when things got overwhelming. And, anyway, I knew that if the Captain couldn't take him, you would. I wanted to let him know that I was happy to have him as my brother."
"I know," Kristin nodded; she knew Cynthia always went with what her heart said – she wouldn't have tried to rescue the boys from being murdered if she hadn't. "I still appreciate it. You didn't have to even acknowledge him, but you did and that means a lot to me, Cynthia."
"Really, mom, it's not that big a deal."
Kristin shook her head and stood up, going to her small desk. She pulled up a file and sent it to her daughter - a picture, one she'd taken late a few nights before of Lucas curled around the stuffed grey dog and sleeping soundly in Nathan's bunk. "Trust me. It's a big deal, darling."
Cynthia smiled, "Well. You're welcome then, but I don't need the thanks. I would have done the same if Lucas showed up at the foundation."
Sighing, Kristin gave in. She didn't know who was worse at accepting thanks for helping Lucas, Nathan or Cynthia though she knew it was Nathan by a mile. The man couldn't seem to realize that Lucas would likely have gone through the rest of his life at the mercy of the Wolenczaks. She grimaced at the thought of how long it could have been before someone picked up on the real reason Lucas acted out the way he did.
"How is the foundation?" Kristin eventually asked, breaking the few seconds of silence. She watched Cynthia's eyes light up at the mention and Kristin was glad she'd helped her daughter with the establishment of a group just to help children who would otherwise be murdered by their own government. Of course within a few months, the group had also included children whose parents had died in service to their countries and those who'd been abused and abandoned.
"Good. The dormitories were finished last week, but there was some problem with the house. Something about structural support that delayed it. They think it should be done sometime in the next two weeks and then I can start moving everything out of your house," she chatted, clearly happy to finally be able to get out of her mother's house and into her own.
A man appeared behind Cynthia and Malique waved hello to Kristin. He looked tired and worn out; he smiled at her anyway as he grabbed something off Cynthia's desk and walked back out of the room.
Kristin gave her daughter a look.
"He just got back. Guzmano's death helped stop the mass deaths, but a lot of children are on the streets," she explained as if it explained everything and she just gave a wan smile.
"All the same. He needs to sleep, not go running around taking care of the children. Poor boy looks like he's going to collapse. Go, let him rest. We can talk again tomorrow," Kristin told her. They said goodnight to each other and Kristin ended the connection with one last glance at Cynthia.
She looked around her room, awake even in her own exhaustion, and decided with a firm nod that she wanted to do something that didn't relate to being responsible. She called Katie, happy to hear her friend was awake and twenty minutes later, Kristin found herself crammed into a room with Katie, Wendy, and Jessie Strong.
There was nail polish and pillows and sappy movies that Kristin would never have watched in her youth but she couldn't tear her eyes away from now. They talked for hours and Kristin never did sleep, listening instead to Katie talk about Ben and how much she wanted to be with him but couldn't be sure it would be for the best.
Sometime around seven in the morning, Kristin fell asleep on Katie's floor. Hitchcock made sure to let Levine and the others know where she was and it left the three women to slip into a conversation none had even broached when Kristin seemed to need relaxation.
Jessie, auburn hair let down for the first time that any had seen since coming aboard seaQuest, told them all about Lucas' treatment, about how difficult it was to keep him from just giving up on everything each time the pain of the chemo itself grew to proportions rivaling that of being boiled alive. Strong explained how it felt to have such a deadly medication running in one's veins, sharing that she'd had to deal with the same treatment when she was a girl.
"I've seen his charts and for all the horrors he saw when he was a little boy, nothing compares to how much pain he's in, but he's a strong kid. There have been a lot of children his age who say they won't do it again and don't. Lucas understands that even if he feels like something scraped off the side of a ship, its helping and he keeps coming back."
Wendy nodded; Katie grinned and told her, "That's probably some of the Captain's influence."
Jessie smiled back, "Oh, most likely, but Lucas... Even if Captain Bridger didn't have such a power in his life, I think Lucas would show up every time." She sat back against the bed's edge and continued, "Lucas probably feels a lot like a failure for everything that has happened to him in his life, but he could have given up a long time ago. He could have let his father and his mother keep doing to him what they were and never brought up the charges, but he didn't.
"Trust me when I say that Lucas let the Captain begin the proceedings for the trial. He could have stopped it whenever he pleased, but he didn't and that's how I know that Lucas does most of this without depending on Bridger."
"I never really thought about that," Katie admitted. She really hadn't, because Lucas was someone who was just always so amazingly happy to be with the Captain or with Kristin or Ben for that matter that Hitchcock hadn't ever looked at how the relationship between Lucas and the others was balanced perfectly.
"Lucas does almost everything with the Captain and he looks to him for answers, but he's too smart to be reliant on anyone." Jessie leaned her chin onto her knees, "I think he's content and in that contentedness, he's letting himself be cared for and accepting that he can be cared for."
It was food for thought for Wendy who'd not said a word.
"Pain is inevitable.
Suffering is optional."
- Anonymous -
Lucas' treatment was the hardest one yet that he'd had to endure. With Nathan across the hall, he could see his father, yes, but it was difficult seeing the man who was normally so strong and could hold his own with angry diplomats, lying in a bed with oxygen. Lucas knew it was how Nathan had to be feeling as well so he didn't complain much, though he wanted to cry as his body rebelled at the start of the treatment.
Kristin was with him, trying to divide her time between Nathan and Lucas, but when Lucas started vomiting she knew it was moot. Levine went to check on Nathan and adjust his meds over the hours Lucas spent trying not to fight the pain and let it go.
Then someone brought a PAL to him and Lucas could hear Nathan telling her to rub Lucas' back, to rest one hand against his chest just to the edge of the port. When the pain subsided enough, Lucas picked up the device and held it to him, letting the sound of Nathan's voice calm him.
"I want Ralph," Lucas told her twenty minutes before he was due his next dose of anti-emetics. His eyes were imploring but she misunderstood, bringing him an emesis basin instead and expecting that he was going to be sick.
He felt the tears in his eyes. "No. I want Ralph," he hoped the emphasis would help her to figure out what he was asking for, but Kristin just looked at him blankly.
She asked him what he wanted, telling him she didn't know what Ralph was, and Lucas did start to cry. Kristin tried to comfort him, rubbing his back and thinking of all the things that could possibly be associated with the name Ralph when Nathan's voice came through the PAL again, "It's the dog, Kristin."
"Oh." She looked at Abbott and demanded, "Stay with him. I need to go find his toy." Then she was in the corridor and headed toward Lucas' quarters, hoping someone had gone by the room that morning to sanitize it after Lucas had left. She was not going to give him anything from that room if it hadn't been.
Pleasantly surprised to see that someone had indeed cleaned the room and taken away the items that couldn't be salvaged, Kristin made a mental note to ask who had done so and to thank them. Since she'd forgotten to send someone up to do the job, then someone had evidently done it on their own and without orders. And looking at Lucas' bed, Kristin knew it had been Abbott.
Abbott's quarters on the boat had become the most comfortable within several hours of his arrival with several framed pictures of his family on the desk, his computer set up amid a cluster of knick-knacks, and the lighting set low. His bunk had been outfitted with a standard blanket, but Abbott had brought along his own goose-down comforter, the deep blue fabric embroidered with silver thread and it had been carefully spread out on the mattress.
Or, rather, the blanket that now covered Lucas' own bed, Ralph's little stuffed head sticking out from under the covers and resting on one of the many pillows. Clearly Abbott had meant for Lucas to see his puppy comfortably sitting in the bed; Kristin could see why Jessie said he was a great father.
Taking the stuffed toy and returning to the medbay, Kristin could hear Lucas being sick even before she approached his room. Nathan was watching from his place, diligently trying to get up even as Levine and one of her nurses tried to keep him in the bed. With one well placed glare, Nathan stopped; Kristin went to Lucas after a second of eyeing Nathan to ensure he wasn't about to attempt anymore shenanigans.
Lucas grabbed Ralph from Kristin's hands and his tears stopped. The vomiting continued for a while longer until Jessie walked in with his meds, telling Lucas, "I think we can ignore that you weren't supposed to have these for another five minutes."
Nodding vigorously, Lucas agreed with her and Kristin smiled a little at how innocent he seemed right then. Clutching his pound puppy and his eyes set on Jessie's hands as she injected his IV with the meds, Lucas looked all of eight years old and Kristin wondered if Cynthia Wolenczak had any remorse for what she'd done to him.
It still left Kristin reeling at the idea of what Lucas had endured at his own mother's hands; how any woman could starve their own child was disgusting to her, though it had explained so much about Lucas' eating patterns and behavior.
"Stop thinking," Lucas mumbled at Kristin and she turned her attentions to him immediately. His forehead was slick with sweat and his eyes were closed gently though the corners crinkled from the pain.
"Can you get me some water and a cloth?" She asked Jessie as the woman turned to leave. Jessie disappeared without any remark to the affirmative, but Kristin knew Strong would return in a few minutes with the supplies she'd asked for.
What she hadn't expected was Nathan to appear, wearing a face mask and silently daring her to say anything. Her eyes said it for her and she contemplated having Joshua strap Nathan into a bed. Only Lucas' happy smile stopped her from calling any of her staff to come take him back to his own room.
"Ten minutes, Nathan. After that you go back to your own bed, you understand me?" She told him and sat back while Bridger wiped down his son's face and neck.
Lucas and Nathan made the most of their ten minutes without saying a word. Lucas was able to relax, one hand wrapped in Nathan's and the other holding onto Ralph. He made contented noises as Nathan washed the dried sweat off sensitive skin and when he gently pulled Lucas' shirt down, Lucas inched toward him to make it easier for Nathan to clean around the port.
Kristin said nothing as she watched. She had known quite well how Lucas usually reacted when someone touched anywhere near the edges of his IC line, how upset he'd get and how he'd lash out with both hands, but Nathan had done it and Lucas had actually enjoyed it.
She made another mental note, this time reminding herself to talk to Nathan later about that.
When time was up, Kristin was almost loathe to part the two but she knew Nathan wasn't anywhere near ready to be up for extended periods of time and even if he had a mask on, she didn't want to chance his germs getting to Lucas. "Nathan..." She murmured and was grateful he didn't argue.
Nathan didn't have to say anything to Lucas about behaving – he was across the hall, he'd know if Lucas got out of hand. Instead, Nathan patted Ralph's head and then touched Lucas', before shuffling back to his own room, Levine helping him to get the canula back on.
"Thanks for not making him go," Lucas told her as he sat up a little. His head flopped to the side and she smiled weakly at him, stroking a hand down the side of his face. Kristin hoped he would sleep but it was a long time before he'd even let his eyes close again.
But by that Friday, Lucas was sleeping better even though he was still confined to medbay and Levine had let it slip to Nathan that in morning he would likely no longer be contagious. Kristin hadn't planned to tell him so because she wanted him to continue resting, but Nathan, of course, knew better than to let Kristin know he was aware of such things.
He decided to save it for later in the day when he could tease her appropriately about it.
With his door shut and Lucas asleep, Nathan was busily planning what he'd do to rile his girlfriend when Lucas' voice came over the PAL, tired and scared. Nathan knew without another word that Lucas had had one of his usual nightmares, the ones with dark corners and empty bellies.
"Hey, kiddo," he said back and tried to not sound upset though he was sure he did. It wasn't that he was annoyed with Lucas for calling him, quite the opposite; Nathan was upset by how intense Lucas' nightmares were and by the reasons he had the horrible dreams.
"I'm sorry," Lucas whispered. "I didn't mean to wake you up," he added and Nathan could hear the abject misery embedded in Lucas' words.
He wanted to reply but Nathan had a better idea, and ignoring the fact that Kristin would kill him in the morning, Nathan crept from his room. Lucas' door opened noiselessly, blue eyes settling on him in a flash and Nathan felt his heart twist a little at the sight of Lucas' red-rimmed eyes and the little scratches on his wrists.
"I wish you'd tell me what this dream was," Nathan told him, looking over one of the boy's wrists. Of all the nightmares, Lucas had one recurring that always ended with him waking up to bloody wrists and the feeling that his entire world was going to come apart at the seams, that much Nathan knew. But Lucas never told him the contents of the dream or why he scratched at his own body so hard it could break skin.
Lucas shook his head and tightened his hold on Nathan's arm.
"Easy, buddy. Here, move over," Nathan told him and helped Lucas to shift in the bed until Nathan could slip in with him. With Lucas' head on the pillow in his crossed legs, Nathan could see Lucas finally get comfortable though he never loosened or relinquished his hold on Nathan.
It was fine with Bridger – if Lucas didn't want to let go of him for the time being, then Nathan wasn't going to stop him. However, Nathan used his free hand to run his fingers along Lucas' bald head and hoped it offered some comfort, which it evidently did when Lucas closed his eyes and fell back to sleep. He had never done so after a nightmare before.
Nathan settled in to sleep in his current position. It was something he'd regret in the morning but he couldn't bring himself to care at that moment, watching Lucas with a thumb in his mouth and a stuffed dog beside him.
He woke to Kristin moving around the room, adjusting IVs and mumbling things under her breath. She didn't seem too pissed off at the sight of him; before he could form a coherent sentence, Kristin asked, "So, I guess Joshua told you?"
"Yes," he told her accompanied by a nod.
"Well, judging by the state of him, I'll let it go. He had that nightmare again, didn't he?" Kristin touched one of the wounds and Lucas jumped in his sleep. "I need to get some antiseptic. Try to get some more rest if you can."
Lucas stopped Nathan as he was about to let himself drift off again, sniffling against his hand. "That hurt," Lucas whined, causing Nathan to smirk a little. Lucas wasn't overly affected by whatever had happened in his dream if he could complain from the second he woke up.
"Do you wanna talk about it?" Nathan asked Lucas, snagging Ralph as the dog started to fall from the bed. He set the toy on Lucas' stomach, and wasn't surprised when the boy shook his head.
To be honest, Lucas didn't even know what he dreamed of. It was a mishmash of things he couldn't place – the glint of silver (handcuffs?) and the scent of day old blood, stale air. These were things both familiar and strange at the same time and Lucas knew they went together in one memory, a sick recollection of something. But what was really happening in his mind eluded him.
Nathan's gentle touch on his arm brought Lucas back to reality and he gratefully sipped from the straw Kristin had hovered near his mouth. The water was cool and soothing, wetting his parched tongue and he could feel it as it went down his throat.
"So," Kristin started when he stopped drinking and she was able to put the cup down. She crossed her arms and laid them on the bed's railing, letting one hand dip down to touch Lucas' face. As he closed his eyes and absorbed the touch, she spoke again, "Your quarters are clean and I'll release you both to there if you can promise me you will rest."
Lucas tried to look innocent, but it came off pitifully and he just nodded instead. It wasn't like he had the energy to get into trouble anyway. Not to mention that Nathan had already told her they would be good and stay in bed; in other words – Nathan was going to have them both put in one room and there was absolutely no way Lucas could get away with anything with his father around.
And he was right.
Kristin and Abbott had helped them to get settled in separate rooms at first, but it took Nathan maybe five minutes to get out of his room and go to Lucas'. Secretly he was grateful that Bridger wasn't going to leave him on his own until someone decided to come sit with him; the feeling of the nightmare had lingered and he didn't really want to be left alone.
"We're a pair, aren't we, kiddo?" Nathan joked while he sipped some soup and then fed a spoonful to Lucas. The breakfast wasn't overly appealing, but he tried to make a show out of eating it, hoping he could get the boy to have at least a fourth of what he had on the tray.
"I think Dr. Westphalen would have another word for it," Lucas smiled. He happily took another bit of soup from Nathan and then a few more mouthfuls, but when offered anything else his stomach rolled. Nathan offered him more soup, only to have Lucas turn green and they barely had time to get him out of the bed into the bathroom before he was sick.
"It came out my nose," Lucas muttered when he could finally relax and he wiped ineffectually at his mouth, a vain attempt to get rid of the acrid taste on his lips.
Nathan smirked at him, amused at Lucas' frank statement. "Come on," he said and helped Lucas to his feet; he got Lucas to wash out his mouth before struggling to get them both back to Lucas' bunk.
Ben was waiting for them, a disc in his hands and a blush on his face, and he sputtered, "Cap... Captain, I didn't realize you were here, sir." He tried to hide the disc behind his back, but all Nathan had to do was hold out a hand to have it given to him without any resistance or excusatory comments.
"Lieutenant, I don't care what you do in your free time, but I'd really prefer if you keep things like 'Debbie Does Dallas' away from Lucas." Nathan looked to his son, "And you shouldn't be watching these movies."
Blushing ferociously, Lucas just nodded and remained silent. He felt like he was nearly dead from embarrassment – his father had just discovered that he watched porn with his friends.
"If you want something to watch, I have plenty of movies you can take," he told the two, and watched as they both gave him a disinterested glance. Nathan smirked and added, "Movies that are like this but they're not so trashy. And do not tell Kristin about it."
Lucas blinked at Ben and they both waited until Nathan had left to make gagging noises; Ben's face contorted into a look of horror and he told Lucas, "Promise me you will never watch any of your father's porn."
"That would be wrong. On so many levels," Lucas responded, just as Nathan returned and he avoided looking at the videos in Bridger's hand until the man laughed, tossing some Jason movies into his lap.
"Did you really think I was going to give you pornography?"
Ben replied without hesitation, "Yes, sir. I was fully expecting that, sir." He breathed to himself, "Poor kid was looking forward to watching some porn, too." Krieg hadn't thought for a minute Nathan would have joked about having such movies. He also hadn't thought the Captain could hear what was under his breath.
"What was that?" Nathan asked, his voice stern. He only had to look at Ben for the man to look cowed.
"Sir. Nothing, sir," Ben immediately shot back and hoped Bridger wasn't about to chase him out of the room, which was exactly what was about to happen. He could see from the look on Bridger's face that he was expected to leave now and resignedly, he did so, telling Lucas he'd come back later.
Lucas groaned, "Did you have to do that? Ben just wanted to hang out!"
"Because one, you're supposed to be resting and two, Kristin will be showing up at some point and if she finds you watching some trashy sex movie, we're both getting lectured over it," he answered, felling no guilt as he flipped through the movies and stood to put one in.
"She's not going to like me watching horror movies, either," Lucas pointed out. Kristin had, as of late, started to handle him like he were glass and Lucas didn't like it. Yes, he'd been abused; yes, he had issues and hatreds that would take a long time to get over, but there was no need to treat him like he was a simpering child.
Nathan knew what he was thinking and told Lucas, "She'll get over it." He had already discussed with Kristin her need to motherhen Lucas, but it hadn't helped too much and Nathan hoped that by letting Lucas do what he had done before the trial and before he got sick, she would accept that Lucas was okay (for the most part.)
Session 9 started as Nathan turned out the lights, then got to the bunk and climbed in beside his son. He was surprised when Lucas shifted closer to Nathan after a few minutes and quite contentedly, they watched the movie together.
And Lucas was right – Kristin wasn't happy about their choice of movie.
"The world needs anger.
The world often continues to allow
evil because it isn't angry enough."
- Bede Jarrett -
Lucas' next session with Wendy was much different from normal. They would usually start in on his pictures and they'd talk about safer topics for the first fifteen minutes before she'd start asking him harder questions; Lucas had grown used to that and when Wendy began with a question about his feelings toward Leo, Lucas froze.
For her part, Wendy had felt they'd reached a plateau in Lucas' therapy. They hadn't ever touched on how he felt about the psychologists from his past or Lucas' feelings about Kristin. Leo was a hard topic Lucas would only talk about when he felt like it and wouldn't say a word even when prompted. So she'd made a decision an hour earlier to push those issues – Lucas was holding in more than he realized and it would likely come out in some sort of counter-productive way.
So for five minutes they sat there, looking between each other and Wendy knew Lucas was back to square one with her. He was sizing her up and making sure he had an escape root both verbal and physical.
Then Lucas tripped over words and said, "He's my grandfather."
He'd spoken forcefully, but Wendy knew it wasn't from an attempt to make himself feel something. Lucas was simply trying to accept that he needed to talk, even as his mind tried to stop him. Watching him, she couldn't help but recall her undergrad studies and her professor's lecture on Freud. She could see Lucas' mind turning and his id wanting to just admit everything, but his ego was over-developed (a consequence of his father's lessons) and it took everything in him to speak of the things he never had before.
"Okay, but how do you feel about him, Lucas?" She softened her look and wasn't surprised by the lack of response. She reached for his artbook without speaking again, and Lucas handed it over with a happy look that meant he was expecting to talk about them.
Wendy burst that bubble when she flipped to a blank page. "I want you to draw your grandfather," she instructed.
His eyes were wide then, and Lucas shook when he reached for the charcoal. He continued to tremble when he started the sketch, never relaxing even as he stopped. Lucas knew what she was going to say and beat her to it.
Lucas scribbled over the figure, letting parts of Leo peer out from beneath a jumbled mass of black. It was dark and harsh and Lucas hated the picture, wanted to rip it up and get rid of it because he was wrong – he shouldn't want to hurt his grandfather. No normal person wanted to hurt the people that loved them.
He reached for the edge of the page, moving to rip it out of the book. Wendy put a hand out to stop him before he could and told him, "This is okay. There's nothing wrong with being mad at him."
"But I shouldn't want to beat him," Lucas muttered as he looked down at his feet. He flexed his toes and reached down to rub them, hoping the tingling would go away if they were a little warmer.
"Who says you shouldn't?" Wendy asked and when Lucas' head shot up, she continued. "He let them beat you and you were a little boy. That's what you want to think, isn't it? But you can't because you think it's wrong, but it's not. It's okay to want to get back at him for not helping you."
"But he loves me."
She nodded, "Yes he does and that's why you're not letting yourself talk to him like you want to." Wendy leaned forward a little bit more. "You can ask him why he never called Child Protective Services, Lucas. Nathan won't be upset with you and neither will Kristin."
"But what about Papi?" Lucas scratched his arm idly and his eyes were set on hers, begging her to tell him something that would make it right but Wendy knew there was no such thing.
"Lucas, there are a lot of things that are going to be hard to do." She reached for a stick of charcoal and drew out her own picture on the next clean page, working on it in the silence and then showing him it without any grace or finesse. "Sometimes the only way we can move forward is let our wounds bleed all over again."
He looked at the picture; a perfect representation of himself reflected back.