Summary; see chapter one

Pairing: Spangel, Spike/Penn, mentioned Spike/Riley, Spike/Lindsey and Spike/Xander ---err--I swear he's not a whore or anything...xD

Rating: For now NC-17 (I have written more chapters (up to 15) but I might change one scene so it isn't just cough porn. cough

Disclaimer: I do not own them and never will. The plot is all that is mine.

Feedback: Well..duh. :D

Warnings: drug abuse, implied rape, sex, slash, angst.

Spike felt dizzy and numb all over. He didn't think he would be able to move his legs without falling over. He opened his eyes and as the sun shined into them he visibly winced. After all he caused this upon himself. It wasn't like anyone was forcing him to snort every other day. He just wished that he had more so he could forget what he was feeling right now. Slowly, he let his eyes adjust to the sunlight and they roamed the huge livingroom. He felt as if something was missing. As if someone was missing. He frowned in deep thought on who it was that he was missing, who he thought was supposed to be here, "'Ello!" He heard faint rustling from his bedroom and made an attempt to go up and check who was in his bedroom just as Xander opened the door and smiled slightly at him, "Hey there, dead boy."

Inwardly, Spike groaned. He couldn't handle one of Xander's lectures right now about alcohol (like he was any better!) and the coke. Xander seemed to read Spike's thoughts and gave him the vaguest of all smiles, "Don't worry. I won't lecture you." Spike frowned deeply at him and Xander rolled his eyes, "Fine, I will. But not yet." Spike scowled and Xander went to sit down beside him. Spike put down his feet on the floor and then he put his head in hands which were resting on his knees, "I'm sorry."

Xander looked at him and then began to rub slow circles on his back, "No, Will. I am." Spike looked up at him then and scowled even deeper, "Why are you sorry?" Xander just looked at him for a few seconds before answering, "Because I'm supposed to take care of you." Spike sighed; he hated making Xander feeling guilty over something that made him feel so good. Even though he knew it was wrong and dangerous. He knew it, but he didn't want to think about it. Spike drabed his arm over Xanders shoulders and dragged him softly into a tight embrace.

A few hours later, Xander had left for work and Spike sat alone once again. He started to feel to itch again. It was getting heavier by the minute and he the coke he had was supposed to last for a few days so he couldn't take it all now as he so badly wanted to do. Spike sighed heavily and glanced at the bag of snow that he had put up on the table right after Xander had left. He wanted to quit, but with Riley turning up now and then leaving him all sore and his bosses at work really being on his ass right now, he just couldn't seem to really care. Always after he talked to Xander he wanted to just quit. Just ignore the itch that had begun to come more frequently but it was easier said than done. He couldn't even start to count all those times when he promised Xander to quit taking drugs. Sometimes he had at least for a few days. Then he had to take at least one fix. Spike bent forward and picked up the tiny bag white powder. He began waving it in front of him absently as if considering if it was worth it. If it was worth betraying Xander again. Why did he even trust him after all these times he had betrayed him was beyond him. He wasn't someone who should be trusted anymore. He used to be such a man. A man that was trustworthy and took care of himself. Then he came into his life. He said that he loved him and then threw him away like yesterday's crap. Nothing was ever the same after that. He opened the bag and put a small amount in the middle of his hand. He brought it up to his nose and looked down on it thoughtfully. He took a deep snort and sighed softly as they once again began to clowd his mind.

This time, however, he got hyperactive and began to pace around the apartment as if chasing his own tail. One face kept flashing up in his mind over and over. His new dealer. He gotta be a pouf with a name like Angel. Can't get poncier than that. He went to the door and stepped outside. He wanted to find his beautiful dealer. The only problem was that he didn't know where he was and he wasn't even sure if he had the right phone number but considering that Angel didn't give him one last time it was probably the same one as Hamilton used to have. He took up his cellphone and called Hamilton's number. Two beeps later he was growing impatient. What if it wasn't the right number and Angel just forgotten to give him his. How would he get his drugs then? Just as he was about the give up a muffled and tired voice answered, "Hello?" Spike froze. How could he not have heard how sexy that voice sounded? "Hello?" Spike gulped, "Hi. It's Spike." He heard a sigh on the other line and was afraid that Angel would hang up, "Err...I just wanted to check if you had Hamilton's old number..." another sigh, "So now you know. Was that all?" Spike was the one to sigh this time,

"You know...you're very beautiful."

Angel sighed again, "...and you're very high."

Spike giggled,"Oii. I am not high. I do not do drugs." Angel didn't reply as Spike continued, "I shouldn't do drugs. Xander's says that I shoul stop. He says it ain't good for me...But it feels so good."

Spike thought that Angel was going to encourage him to do drugs and was very surprised when his reply came, "Maybe you should listen to him." Spike was floored by the answer and then a small smile crept into place, "You trying the reversed- psycology thing, mate? You say that I should stop but you're really trying to get my to buy more..?" Angel sighed got heavier and with a tight voice he said, "Spike. I'm really tired. Don't call here unless you want another go, okay?" Spike nodded slowly but couldn't hide the dissapointment in his voice, "Okay. Bye." He hung up and now he felt depressed again. He didn't like him.