Same disclaimer, lyrics from DR's "Cannonball."
Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
Still a little hard to say what's going on
Still a little bit of your ghost, your witness
Still a little bit of your face I haven't kissed
You step a little closer each day
That I can't say what's going on
Desmond was the designated driver for the beach outing, since Claire wanted to sit in the back to take care of Aaron and Sun's belly was getting too big to fit comfortably behind the wheel. "Besides," Claire said on the phone when she called him the night before, "I only have Charlie's SUV to drive, and it makes me nervous to drive someone else's car."
He left his house around 9 AM, stopping by Claire's house first. She answered the door, a bundle of energy, wearing a pink halter top over a bright blue bathing suit and holding a picnic basket.
"Hi! I packed food. Could you carry it while I get Aaron?" The baby in question was already loaded into his carseat. Desmond chuckled as he accepted the basket.
"What?" Claire put her hands on her hips in mock annoyance.
"You're very enthusiastic today."
"Well, I guess I've been missing the beach. And I've never been to a Californiabeach before. It just sounds exciting."
"We'll have fun, yeah?"
She grinned over her shoulder as she locked the door, and his breath caught a little. Sometimes her prettiness caught him unawares. He got used to her, then suddenly he saw her through the eyes of a stranger, saw her smooth skin and beaming smile, her youth and the free way she moved, and for a moment he was not himself. He was only a person seeing Claire, and he couldn't help but admire her. It had nothing to do with their relationship, he told himself.
When they reached Sun's house, she answered the door quickly, but ran around picking up last minute things she'd forgotten. "Sorry! Please forgive me," she called through a doorway as she passed by in search of her sunglasses.
It took a while to reach the beach, but Claire and Sun worked hard to create a fun atmosphere despite the traffic. They played a Beach Boys CD that Claire had discovered in Charlie's collection. Desmond tried to harmonize with Brian Wilson, and the girls laughed at him. Claire danced in the back seat, swinging all that golden hair around, and Desmond pretended that his driving wasn't severely impaired from looking in the rearview mirror to watch her.
Once they reached the public beach, it took a few more minutes of driving around to find a spot that wasn't too crowded. Desmond was amazed at the amount of gear that Claire and Sun had brought. They set up their own little beach oasis—a towel for each of them, Aaron's carseat, a big striped umbrella, a cooler of drinks, and the basket of food that Claire had packed. Sun was wearing a black tank suit that hugged her newly rounded shape; a blue wrap skirt was tied low around her hips. She put sunscreen all over and stuck a rolled-up towel behind her to support her back. She nestled under the umbrella, only her feet exposed to the sun. Claire, by contrast, immediately pulled her tank top and skirt off and lay down on her towel in full sunlight.
"I have gotten so disgustingly pale since I've been here. I'm getting tan today if it kills me."
"You're gonna get a sunburn, sistah. I can already see you turning pink." Desmond was just teasing her, but looking at her body for signs of sunburn made him notice all kind of uncomfortable details. The soft curves of her waist and hips, and all kind of unexpectedly adorable details—her little feet and the outline of her collarbone above her torturously low-cut bikini top. He coughed and looked away.
He had been wearing a short-sleeved blue button down, and he slid it off to feel the sun on his own skin. He sighed at its comforting touch, then turned to toss his shirt onto the towel behind him. He was surprised to see Claire looking at him. When she noticed that he had noticed, she gave him a tight little smile and turned her head to say something to Sun.
He was the first of them to go into the water. He had never really gone swimming on the island. There was too much danger and distraction there. He had forgotten the sweetness of cool ocean water, and he forgot the awkwardness on the shore as he got caught up in swimming. He even bodysurfed a bit, letting the waves carry him to and fro. It was an unusual and not unpleasant feeling—being physically lifted by a force so much stronger than himself.
When he looked back at the shore, he saw Claire sitting in the shallows of the water with Aaron in her lap, laughing as the baby splashed. Sun was walking along the edge of the water looking for shells, setting her hand on her back and bending down extremely slowly and carefully to pick them up.
Desmond let a wave carry him almost to the shore, then waded through the shallows until he stood next to them. "The water's lovely. You ladies should go out a little."
Sun laughed. "I don't think I will today, Desmond."
"Can you show me how to bodysurf?" Claire asked her, squinting into the sun as she looked up at him. "I mean, if you don't mind watching Aaron for a few minutes, Sun."
"Of course. It will be good practice for me," Sun responded quickly. She scooped up the baby, and Desmond offered Claire his hand and hauled her to her feet. When they reached the proper depth for bodysurfing, he began to explain and give tips immediately, but Claire was a little distracted. Right in the middle of his speech on proper timing, she sent a huge spray of water splashing into his face, then chortled evilly.
"Oh, that's how you want to be, huh?" He sent a splash in her direction, and when she continued to retaliate, he flung his arms around her and pinned her arms to her sides. "Running out of ideas?"
She responded by hooking her foot around his ankle and flinging herself backwards, pulling both of them into the waves. They came up laughing and sputtering.
"OK, so we're even now," he gasped, pushing his hair out of his eyes.
"Let's call a truce." She lay back and let the waves cradle her, floating lightly on the surface of the water. "I want to relax now. Forget the bodysurfing.''
"I was just giving you all that top-notch advice. I can't believe your ingratitude." He kicked his feet up and floated next to her.
"I'm incorrigible, I know." He was momentarily surprised by her sudden wordiness, and she giggled as though she had read his thought. "That's a five-dollar word, right there," she added. She began to swim a lazy backstroke, and he followed suit. When they had gotten just a little deeper, she stopped swimming, then laughed as her body bent and she began to sink. "Oh no, I've run out of floating power." She kicked her feet a little, trying to stay up.
"I can fix that." Desmond stood up next to her and set his hands under her back, barely touching, light as the water's grasp, but enough to keep her afloat. He had moved by instinct, just playing like they had been before, but he suddenly realized that a strange intimacy had come out of nowhere. Somehow Claire lying before him, trusting and open, supported only by his hands, had put them closer than any simple kiss could. He knew that she feel it. Her eyes were on his face, questioning and unblinking, unreadable. But she didn't move away.
They stayed like this for a few minutes, inanimate suspension, held together and supported by the water. Desmond thought about how someone had once told him that animals only lay down on their backs around someone they trusted; otherwise, they protected themselves, stayed on their feet or curled up tight. Then he realized how ridiculous that analogy was and instead thought about how perfectly Claire fit in his arms the few times she had been there.
Finally Claire spoke. "I think I need to feed Aaron pretty soon," she said, not moving, all of her hair fanned out around her head like a mane or a crown, the rays of the sun.
"All right. We should go in."
To his surprise, she didn't stand up. Instead she reached up and put her arms around his neck, and he pulled her into his arms, holding her just above the water, perfectly fitted against him once again.
"Thank you for trying to teach me to bodysurf," she said softly, then slid out of his grasp. They swam back to shore silently. She took Aaron from Sun and retreated under the umbrella to nurse him under a towel thrown across her shoulder. Desmond joined Sun in shell hunting. He seemed to have used up most of his swimming energy.
"Here you go. Thought you might like this one," he said, handing her a pearly pink shell.
"Thank you. I do." She put it into the little bucket she had been using to hold her finds. She seemed to take his sentence as a sign that talking would be acceptable. "So, you and Claire," she said softly.
He cleared his throat nervously. "Yes?"
"You're… close, aren't you?" Sun always wore such tentative expressions. Even her smiles were shy.
"Yes, I guess so. She was very kind to me when I found out that… my girlfriend, I guess, had died. She tries to keep me from being lonely, I know."
Sun's secretive smile grew a little. "Yes. I didn't really know her well on the island. I'm glad that we are all friends now." She looked down into her shell bucket, mixing the pieces in it like poker chips. "I just wondered if you had… I don't know how to say it. If you care for her."
"I… I don't know." He couldn't say that he didn't think of her that way, but he didn't know if it was enough to justify talking about it. It wasn't some grand love affair. Not like Penny. One kiss and a few strange looks were not enough to base anything on. He was probably just lonely.
"If you do, don't tell her. She will know." Sun was looking him in the eyes now, with her own eyes, so big and dark. "And if she returns your feelings… don't press her. Don't do anything if she is still with Charlie." He felt a little offended that she would think so little of him, or think that she knew his feelings, but when he opened his mouth to say so, she quickly explained herself. "I don't mean that you would. I just mean that… if you love her and she loves you, you will be together in the end. And if she tries to be with you and Charlie at the same time, she will only hate herself, and maybe both of you as well. It will become a thing separate from all of you. A… knot. A tangle. It will hurt everyone. It's better to have nothing than to have regret." Her eyes took on a new sheen, the glow of hidden tears, and Desmond wondered why quiet Sun had so much to say about this subject.
"I'm not saying that you have feelings for her or that you would do anything like that. I just wanted to warn you, in case." She looked down, setting her hands on her stomach as though reassuring herself of its promise and comfort.
"All right. I understand. Thank you." He forced a smile, wanting to comfort her. She seemed different all of a sudden—delicate instead of tranquil, fragile instead of graceful. A woman who had been hurt, or had hurt someone, or both. It seemed that truly everyone from the island had a past, even the best of them.
They stayed at the beach long enough for Sun to get drowsy and fall asleep under the umbrella, Aaron to get fussy, and Claire to get thoroughly sunburned. The ride back home was quieter than the ride there had been, but when Sun invited them in for sodas when they reached her house, a little bit of spirit came back into the group.
Sun had turned on music, quiet jazz with singing, and her feet began moving in little dance steps as she poured the drinks. "I used to dance to music like this when my father had parties."
Claire smiled. "With Jin?"
Sun laughed. "No, Jin was a waiter at those parties. We could only dance in secret, and if no one needed any food." Desmond thought about the fancy parties that Charles Widmore would throw, the parties that Penny would try to get him to attend. He had refused, knowing that no one else wanted him there. Now he wished that he had gone. Would it have been so bad, being shunned by a few old CEOs? He could have danced with Penny.
Claire began copying Sun's feet, holding Aaron in front of her like a miniature dance partner. "I've never been to a party where people danced to music like this. We were more likely to thrash around to rock as we all got completely pissed."
Desmond snorted, and Claire looked over at him. "What, were all your parties completely classy?"
"I didn't go to many parties. I went to pubs more. Less dancing, even more drinking."
"Here. I need a partner." Sun walked over to him and held her little hands out invitingly, and he took them and let her teach him the simple steps of a slow dance. She moved like water flowing downhill, as though each movement was a consequence of natural law, ordained before time. She carried him along like the waves had when he bodysurfed.
After a few songs, Sun released his hands and went over to Claire. "May I cut in?" She giggled at her own use of slang and took Aaron out of Claire's arms. "You should try dancing with someone whose feet can touch the floor."
Claire walked over to Desmond slowly, almost as though she was afraid. He felt the same way. Sometimes longing and fear were two sides of the same coin. Anticipation could always go either way.
Then she was in his arms, relaxing and letting him steer her around the living room to the beat of the music. She seemed closer to him than Sun had been, not having a pregnant belly in the way. When Desmond turned her, Sun winked at him over Claire's shoulder. He wanted to return the gesture, but thought Claire might notice, so he just raised his eyebrows and gave her a crooked grin. Apparently Sun knew his wishes better than he did that day.
When he took Claire home, he helped her carry in her gear and set it all in her front hall. "Anything else I can do? I mean, since Charlie is gone." He meant household repairs or shelves she couldn't reach or something, but it had somehow come out sounding suggestive. He wondered if it was an unfortunate coincidence or a Freudian slip.
"No, we're doing OK. Thanks though. And thanks for driving. Thanks for… everything." She was bouncing Aaron, trying to keep him content.
"Don't mention it. It's been a fun day."
"Yes. Very." She switched Aaron to her other arm.
"Well…"
"Well… bye." She walked over to hug him goodbye, and he felt a something like a cool sweat all over him at her sudden nearness. She put one arm awkwardly around him, and his own arms found their way around her waist. The hug lingered longer than it should have. She suddenly closed her eyes and laid her temple against his shoulder.
"Claire," he sighed, not beginning any sentence in particular. He just wanted her name in his mouth as her body was in his arms, as her scent was in his nose, as she was always in his mind.
"Please don't kiss me again," she said suddenly. "I wouldn't be able to stop you."
This was a horribly counterproductive sentence, creating equal impulses to test her resistance and obey her request. Both shame and a powerful yearning. All of Claire's contradictions.
Instead he pulled himself out the hug, letting himself lay his cheek against her hair on the way, then slowly, silently slipped out the door.
He thought about Sun whispering, "She will know." She knew, and he knew, but no one knew just what would happen. He imagined the future unfolding like a maze of corridors and doorways, with himself stumbling through it like a lab rat, chasing something he could not find.