Disclaimer: Same disclaimer. This story is a bit AU now in regards to Claire's past with her mother, and Claire and Jack do not know that they're siblings, because when I started writing this, it hadn't been confirmed, haha. Lyrics are from DR's "Volcano."
What I am to you is not real
What I am to you, you do not need
What I am to you is not what you mean to me
You give me miles and miles of mountains
And I'll ask for the sea
Desmond waited for Claire to call, to show up, to somehow let him know that things either hadn't changed at all or had changed beyond the point of reparation, but it never happened. The next thing he heard about Claire was a week later, in an e-mail from Sun.
He had sent her a message asking after the baby, and her reply, written in too-perfect English, contained the information that she and the baby were all right, but she had been put on bed rest for the last two weeks of her pregnancy. She mentioned that Claire was staying with her to help out while Jin was at work, and Desmond felt his heart pound with a traitorous jolt of hope that Claire's absence from her own little house indicated a some sort of breach from Charlie as well as just help for Sun.
He wanted to see her, but he wanted her to be the one to make the first move toward meeting again. She couldn't doubt how he felt. Surely now the choice was up to her.
His restraint was only tested for a little while, because just a few days after he received Sun's e-mail, he got an excited call from Jin, who was half-shouting various English phrases that indicated that the baby was coming and he was on the way to the hospital. Desmond congratulated and tried to calm Jin, then said that he would go down to the hospital as quickly as he could.
His heart pounded as he drove, but he couldn't pretend that he was only excited about the baby. He knew that Claire would be there, especially since she was staying with Sun, but he firmly told himself that he wouldn't try to talk to her about any of the myriad of things concerning him. This day was not about either of them.
As he'd expected, Claire was one of the first people he saw when he reached the maternity waiting room. Quite unexpectedly, he realized that she had cut her hair to shoulder-length since he last saw her. It looked curlier at this short length, the airy halo it made around her face only adding to her perpetually angelic appearance. Today, though, she looked tired and worn.
"Hello, Claire," he said, not trusting himself to say more.
"Hello, Desmond." She was sitting cross-legged in a plastic chair, with Aaron sleeping across her lap.
Desmond pried his eyes away from Claire long enough to realize that Jack was sitting on the couch across from her.
"Hello, Jack." The two men shook hands. "Is Juliet in with Sun?"
"Yeah, we rushed right over when Sun called. She's so excited. It's been a while since she delivered a baby." Jack's smiled, and the little lines around his eyes showed through his tanned skin. He seemed to smile every time he mentioned Juliet these days.
"I'm sure Sun's glad she's there."
"Do you know if Jin will be here soon? He got to work right as Sun went into labor."
"He called me a little while ago. I don't think it will be too long."
As though on cue, Jin rushed into the waiting room. "Jack! Desmond! Where is Sun?"
"Down that hall. Ask the nurse to take you," Jack said, grinning at Jin's flustered behavior. He thumped Jin on the shoulder before the worried husband darted off to catch the nurse.
Desmond heard a soft, but familiar sound from behind him—Claire's laugh. He was surprised at how perfectly he remembered that sweet sound.
He hesitantly sat down on a chair in between Claire and Jack. A few minutes later, Aaron stirred and started fussing, and Claire pulled a baggie of Cheerios out of her purse and began feeding them to him one by one.
"He's getting big," Desmond commented.
"Yeah, I feel like he's doing something new every time I see him. He has a new tooth, too." Claire's smile was hesitant, but still there.
"Lovely." Desmond pondered how his smiles always seemed to appear when hers did, a reflection or a chain reaction.
After he had eaten most of the Cheerios, Aaron began looking sleepy again.
"I had to wake him up in the middle of his afternoon nap to come here," Claire commented. "It was probably the scariest car ride of his life, too. I feel like I broke a million traffic laws because I was so worried about Sun gasping away in the back seat. I'm usually a really careful driver."
Desmond chuckled, imagining the scene. "So you've been staying with her?" It sounded like small talk, but they both felt the sudden shift of territory.
"Yeah, just for a little while. She had to stay in bed, and Jin has to work a lot, so it seemed like a good idea."
"And how is Charlie doing?" Dangerous territory.
"He's fine, I suppose."
She supposed? He decided not to push it. "I like your hair."
She reached up and tugged at its ends. "Thanks. Yeah, I just felt like a change."
He nodded. He felt like he was waiting for something, for a change big enough to make this worrying worth something.
Claire bent her head over Aaron, who had his eyes closed now, only blinking occasionally in a slow, lazy motion. Desmond thought she would sing a lullaby, but instead she whispered a chant, her voice half-singing, half-speaking. "Om, shanti, shanti, shanti…" Each vowel was drawn out, seeming to linger almost visibly in the sterile hospital air.
"More yoga?" he asked.
"Yeah." Her lips turned up, but she didn't look at him.
"What does it mean?"
"Peace."
"It works. I mean… I feel peaceful." More peaceful than he should feel, given the circumstances. He tried to smile like he was joking, but it didn't work.
"Good." She was looking at him with magic in her eyes, and something wonderful might have happened at that moment if something else wonderful hadn't—Jin burst into the room, wearing scrubs and declaring that he had a daughter.
Everyone hugged him and congratulated him, and an hour later, they were allowed in to see Sun and admire the baby through the glass of the nursery. She was tiny, but healthy, with long, dark eyelashes and pink cheeks like apple blossoms. Jin said that they were going to name her Amanda, because it sounded American and meant "loved." Juliet popped in and out of Sun's room and the nursery, practically glowing with joy as she told them that both Sun and Amanda were healthy, beautiful, perfect. Jack kissed her cheek and everyone else included her in their hugs. Desmond felt, as he so often did, like he wished he could keep a little of her happiness to save for later, like leftover sustenance or an emergency supply of joy. He had felt for a long time that he was relying on saved scraps of contentment to get through the day.
It was during this hustle and bustle that Desmond finally found out what had made Claire so pale, so quiet, so ready to stay in somebody's house and meditate on peace that didn't come.
He was standing next to Sun in the hospital room, and during a rare moment when no one was talking to her, she grabbed his arm and pulled him down to whisper in his ear.
"Claire found things in Charlie's bag. Not heroin, but other things… and he's been going out to parties every night since he got back. He still loves her, but she's tired of it and doesn't know what to do. I knew you'd be wondering what has happened. She's still making up her mind. She's lonely. She'll do what she has to eventually."
"You're quite a woman, giving birth and taking care of your foolish friend all in one day," he teased. "Amanda will be lucky if she grows up just like you."
"I hope she grows up better." Sun had such a sad smile sometimes, but it only took Juliet wheeling the baby in to be held for the first time to banish the shadows from her face.
He stepped out of the way of the bassinet and found himself next to Claire, who wasn't immune to the joy in the room.
"She's beautiful, isn't she? Maybe she and Aaron will grow up and get married or something. That would be cute. Then I'd be related to Sun and Jin." She was half-laughing when she spoke, but she sobered when she saw the searching look on his face. "Did Sun tell you something?"
He almost laughed himself at her quick intuition. "Yes. Just a little."
"You don't need to worry about me. Just my usual screwing up. Story of my life,
basically." Her voice was soft, and the words were such a casual way to describe a lifetime of hurt, to curse herself to even more. "You don't need me, Desmond.'
"I need you to be happy. That's all I need." He paused. "That's a lie. I need everything you have." They were speaking in whispers, inside their own bubble of secrecy and sorrow inside the room full of happiness.
"Not my mistakes."
"I need you more than anything, but I can learn to live without you. Just take care of yourself the way I know you can. He told himself that this might be the last chance he had to tell her, so he did. "And just know I love you."
She didn't answer, but he saw her lips grow tight and her eyes grow teary. Then Jack turned to her to tell her something about the baby, and her mask of happiness slipped back into place.
It wasn't until the silence of the car on the way home that Desmond had the chance to wonder what it was that Sun thought Claire had to do, and if his words had given her peace, or only more sorrow to sing away.