Walking into Venna's home was difficult. Dylan was tired and still expected to see his mom soon. Starsky looked at the little boy, walking hand in hand, with Hutch and realised he was looking at the two most important people, on this earth, to him. Venna was gone. He closed his eyes, in a bid to stop the tears that threatened to spill. In a moment his friend was there. One hand still held tight to Dylan, the other now resting on Starsky's shoulder. With his help thought Starsky I might just make it. He smiled meekly at Hutch, who nodded an acknowledgement, without words, I'm here buddy, I'm here. Together they entered the house.
Hutch stayed late that night, only leaving after Starsky insisted he needed some time alone. Dylan had long gone to sleep, happy to be home again.
Sitting alone, in Venna's home, Starsky wondered how he was ever going to feel good again. He was meant to be planning a wedding, now he would be planning a funeral.
Tom and Mary had thought they were being kind, when they asked Starsky to make the arrangements. They felt it might help him but Starsky could not see, or feel how anything was going to help him now.
He went to check on Dylan, who was fast asleep. It was past midnight and Starsky still could not face going to bed. The bed he and Venna had shared for so many nights. "Oh Ven'" he said aloud and felt the tears begin to fall.
The telephone rang. Starsky tried to ignore it, but it continued to ring. He was worried it would wake Dylan so, wiping his eyes with his sleeve, he picked up the phone. "Hey Starsk'" Starsky heard the voice of his partner, "How ya doin'? You can't sleep huh?" Starsky smiled wearily. "I'm tryin' Hutch. Guess it's harder than I thought it would be." "You want me to come over?" Hutch knew Starsky. He knew how he liked to try and deal with things, alone, brooding but Hutch wanted Starsky to know that he was not alone. Never alone. Starsky sighed," Sure partner." "I'll be twenty minutes" Hutch reassured Starsky "and hey" "Yeah Hutch?" "I love ya buddy. You'll get through this, you'll see" "Thanks partner" Starsky said weakly, "see ya soon" Starsky replaced the handset and went to the kitchen. He thought about a beer but decided on a coffee instead, but the thought of blotting out the pain, with alcohol was a tempting one. He returned to the sofa to wait for Hutch.
Hutch arrived in fifteen minutes. He was concerned when Starsky answered the door, "Starsk' you look terrible. Maybe we should see a doctor in the morning. He might be able to give you something. Help you sleep." "No pills Hutch. Honestly pal, I'll be fine. I just gotta feel like this until I don't feel like this anymore." "You wanna talk?" "God Hutch, where do I start? I'm scared" "I don't know what there is to be scared of Starsky." Starsky looked at Hutch, tears filled his eyes, "Am I always gonna be alone?" "Oh Starsky come here" Hutch let Starsky's head rest on his chest "You're not alone, never alone. It will get better. I know it doesn't feel like that now. Give it time Starsky. I'm here, I'll always be here." "But what if you're not Hutch? My dad, Terri, Venna they all died. Seems as soon as I start loving somebody they leave. Kiss of death huh?" "Starsky I aint gonna die. Not because of you anyway. You're always there covering me, backing me up. Starsky I'm alive because of you. Who got me off the heroin? Who found Callander, got him to come in, use his blood as an antidote? Who Starsky?" "Hutch that's my job. That don't mean nothing" "Starsky that means everything. Terri died, that's not your fault." "She died because of me Hutch. Venna died because of me" "Venna? How did Venna die because of you? It was an accident buddy, a tragic accident."
"She died because I asked her to come out. Hutch if we didn't do what we do, work the crazy hours that we do, I could' a' seen her anytime, but the job...I had to fit her round the job. Didn't I?" "Starsky..." Hutch began, but Starsky continued, "I'm quitting the force, Hutch." "What? Starsky you can't make a decision like that now. It's too soon." "No Hutch. I was thinking before Venna died. Dylan, he needs me" "Starsky I need you." Hutch pleaded. Starsky looked at Hutch. There were tears in both their eyes. "Hutch please try and understand. I don't wanna lose you. I can't lose you. I can't risk losing you too."
Starsky broke down, sobbing. Hutch held him. Starsky cried and cried, his body racked with sobs. Hutch was hurting too. He hated feeling so helpless. Hated seeing his friend in pain. For Starsky's pain was his pain too. To halves of one soul. When one's heart was breaking, equally was the other's. Hutch tried to be strong. He led Starsky to the bedroom and eased him onto the bed. "Come on Starsky, shhhhhsh" He soothed. "Lie down buddy, lie down" Starsky allowed himself to be laid on the bed, still crying. Hutch held him and they stayed that way for a long time. Hutch watching Starsky. He'd never seen him cry like this. Not even after Terri and, god knows, that nearly broke him. This time it was different. It was sudden. No time to prepare and there was little Ray too. Hutch could only hope that, with time and support, Starsky would get through this too. "You're not gonna lose me Starsky. I promise."
Eventually Starsky fell asleep and Hutch went to check on Dylan. He stood watching the small boy, sleeping peacefully, "Sleep well. My partner needs you. I think you'll pull him through." Hutch returned, to the lounge, for a long night on the couch.
Surprisingly Starsky slept well, probably through sheer exhaustion. When he awoke, he could hear Hutch and Dylan in the kitchen. The child was chatting about the new bikes he and Ray were getting for their fifth birthday, which Starsky realized was just over a month away. "Mommy and Uncle Dave said I could have a green one. I like green. Ray's gonna get a blue one" Hearing Dylan speak, reminded Starsky of the last time he and Venna went shopping together. They had bought both bikes, in the colours Dylan had described. Starsky sighed, thinking about Ray and how the blue bike would never be given as a gift now. His eyes were full of tears as he entered the kitchen. "Hey fellas" he said with mock cheerfulness. Dylan jumped from the chair and bounded over. "Oh Uncle Dave, me and Hutch was making breakfast. You was meant to stay in bed. We're cooking pancakes." Hutch looked at Starsky. Starsky managed a small smile towards Dylan and nodded to Hutch, "Pancakes huh? Not that health food guk you usually whip up for breakfast partner?" "No way Starsk'. Dylan wants pancakes, so that's what Dylan gets." "Uncle Dave do you want chocolate or syrup?" asked Dylan. Starsky laughed. This was probably one of the worst mornings of his life, up there with the morning after his father was killed and there was this little boy making everything normal. "Sure Champ, whatever, hey how' bout chocolate and syrup?" Hutch smiled and patted Starsky on the back, "Starsky that stomach of yours. Dylan don't eat like Uncle Dave, your hair will curl!" Hutch laughed, Starsky laughed too. Dylan looked at both men and said "Hutch my hair is like yours and mommy's" "You're right Dylan, it's just like mine and mommy's" said Hutch scooping up the little boy and sitting him on the counter. "And Ray's" whispered Starsky. "Hutch you think you can watch Dylan? I gotta get some air" The light hearted moment had passed and Starsky was sombre again. "Hey Starsk'" Hutch soothed, "You want we'll all go huh?" "No it's okay. I'm fine, really. Dylan stay with Hutch will ya?" "Sure Uncle Dave. Me and Hutch can finish the pancakes. Then can I watch Power Rangers?" "Starsk'?" queried Hutch. " I don't know Dylan, you know what your mom said about Power rangers." "Yeah, but mommy's not here. Pleeeeease!" The statement threw Starsky and he shouted at Dylan, "No mommy's not here, but we mustn't forget her! All her values, her rules!" Hutch stepped in "Hey Starsk' ease up huh, he's only four. Come on buddy" Starsky looked sorry, "I'm, I didn't mean it Dylan, look no Power Rangers today. You fix breakfast, with Hutch and we'll all go out. What do ya say?" "Sure" sulked the little boy. "Come on you, let's finish making this breakfast" Hutch said cheerfully, to the child, tousling his hair "Uncle Dave's gonna take a shower, aren't you buddy?" "Sure Hutch" Starsky replied.
Starsky had to make a real effort to eat, but Dylan was so proud of his cooking, that Starsky felt he ought to at least try. After breakfast, Hutch took Dylan to find his clothes, whilst Starsky cleaned the kitchen. Standing alone, in Venna's home, he felt the tears rising again. He prayed, silently, that he had the strength to go on. "Venna why? Why did you leave us? Dylan needs you. Hell, I need you. How'm I gonna raise him Ven?" He almost felt Venna's presence, as though she were speaking back to him. You can do itDavid I'm counting on you. I need you to take care of my son. Take care of yourself. Lean on Hutch. If you need him, he'll be there. Starsky remembered Venna's love, Venna's smile and by the time Hutch and Dylan had returned, to the kitchen, Starsky had regained some strength. "Come on then Champ, what you say we go the park. You comin' Hutch?" "Starsky, I wouldn't miss it." "Uncle Dave?" "Yeah Dylan?" "Why does Hutch call you Starsky?" "Maybe you better ask Hutch." "Hutch?" "Erm, because I'm too big for him to be my Uncle Dave" Hutch smiled. "Mommy always calls you David" "That's right Dylan she does...did" Starsky replied. "Uncle Dave?" "Yes Dylan?" "Can I call you Starsky too? I'm big. Like Hutch" Starsky laughed, picking up the boy and holding him high he said "Yeah Champ, wow, you sure are as big as Hutch!"
Despite his inner sadness Starsky made a huge effort to enjoy himself, at the park. Admittedly Hutch did most of the running around, with the boy. Hutch bought him an ice-cream and it was Hutch's shoulders that carried a very tired Dylan back to the Torino, at the end of the morning.