Searle

After the dinner party, Searle drove home and found his wife sitting in front of the fireplace staring into the flames. She looked anguished as if she could see the end of her life coming. Searle approached his wife cautiously, understanding that the wrong move could send her into a deeper depressive mood. She looked up at Searle as if she had never seen him before and he immediately understood that she stopped thinking of him as being alive. His wife had begged him not to leave her for the mission to the sun, yet Searle felt that he had no choice but to go. If there was a chance for the sun to be reignited, then Searle needed to be a part of it. Searle had spent his career doing extensive work on deep sensory deprivation and his creation of the earth room had made him the top candidate for the position of the psych officer on the mission. Yet, by going away, he was leaving behind the most important woman in his life and a woman who depended on him for emotional safety.

Searle sat across from his wife and as gently as possible moved her chin to meet his eyes. The moment their eyes made contact, tears began to form in her eyes and she got up to ran away from him. Searle caught her and pulled her into his arms. For a moment, she fought him before sinking into his arms and crying. Picking her up, Searle cradled her and walked back to the cushions in front of the fireplace. Searle was stroking his wife's hair as she buried her face so deep in his chest it was as if she was trying to bury herself in him. To bring her out of her deep funk, Searle began speaking softly.

"Baby, you can't keep doing this to yourself." he whispered. "You're strong." "You can make it through anything."

For a moment, Searle thought he had gotten through to her. She had stopped crying and her breathing had slowed down to a few ragged breaths. Lying against Searle's chest, she finally spoke.

"You're wrong." said Susanna who had been Searle's wife for five years. "I'm only that strong because of you."

"Susanna. . ." Searle began.

Sitting up to face him, Susanna looked at Searle angrily. "Do you remember how we met?"

Yes, he did. They were both faculty members at Northwestern when Searle spied the beautiful brunette during a faculty party. Unable to find the courage to speak to her, Searle merely watched from a distance. He would see her around campus, but she always seemed to avoid interaction with him or any other faculty member. He would watch her walking alone on campus with long dark hair hiding her from the world. It should not have been a surprise when a few weeks later, he was called to the hospital by the dean of the university. Susanna had tried to commit suicide and the college wanted Searle to find a way to help her. She was not only a popular faculty member with her students; she was also a well-known author. Her fame brought in a lot of students who wanted to study with the famous authoress and her creative writing program was considered one of the best in the country. Looking at her lying cuffed to a bed, the dean had a hard time believing that someone so beautiful and accomplished would try to kill herself. Searle knew better. His years of training had taught him that some of the most accomplished people also carried around the biggest demons. Overachievers, in the classic sense, are not suicidal, but use accomplishments to hide their pain. Ironically, thought Searle, Susanna fit that archetype perfectly.

Searle remembered walking into Susanna's room as if it were happening right now. She stared at him with eyes that were completely empty. Whatever scars she bore, Searle knew they ran deep. She looked at Searle and asked a question that had kept him up every night since then.

"Why didn't they let me die?" asked Susanna.

She asked this question without tears and recriminations. She simply wanted an answer to the question. So instead of answering the obvious, Searle asked one of his own.

"Do you think so little of those you would leave behind that you would choose to harm yourself in this way?" asked Searle.

Susann tried to laugh, but only a hollow sound emerged. For the first time, Searle noticed a spark in her eyes. She seemed to enjoy being challenged by Searle.

"Who would care?" she asked mirthlessly. "My mom who is so consumed by my brother's disability she doesn't know I am alive." "My father who never thought I was good enough no matter how much I tried to accomplish."

"What about your colleagues, your students, your friends, your boyfriend?" asked Searle, throwing in the last question to satisfy his curiosity.

But Susanna refused to answer that question and merely stared at him with contempt. Moving on, Searle told her that the dean of the university had asked Searle to treat Susanna. She looked at him with genuine amusement and said, "Let the games begin."

Two years later, they were married. Searle remembered that day as the happiest of his life. Unfortunately the sun began to die and Searle was asked to join Icarus II. Now he and his wife were at an emotional impasse. Realizing that Susanna was waiting for his answer, Searle met her angry eyes with his own impassive ones, trying to calm her down.

"Yes," he stated, "I do remember, but I also remember how hard you fought to get better."

She looked at him with sympathy as if she alone understood what was happening. Leaning forward, she whispered in his ear to share her secret, "I only got better because I loved you so much."Gently, she pressed her lips to his ear, then his cheek, and finally his lips. Searle was lost in a sea of sensations that he knew he would never experience again. Gripping his wife's head, he deepen the kiss until they both fell back into the cushions.

The next day

Searle awoke the next morning to the unexpected brightness of the morning sky. It had been snowing for the last six months and the snow reflected what sunlight was still left in the sky. The effect caused snow blindness in most who did not wear reflective glasses. Still, it was a welcome sight to see the sun's brightness. Searle planned several experiments with the sun's brightness as the ship drew closer to the sun, and he was looking forward to that distraction to help him through the three long years ahead. Focusing his eyes, Searle caught the sight of his wife, standing naked in front of the window. The sunlight bathed her body and she looked more beautiful than he had ever seen her. Turning she smiled at him, "It's time to get ready." "You have a big day ahead of you." By the time, Searle had gotten ready, his wife was sitting at the table, dressed in a robe and sipping a cup of coffee. Seeing him, she got up and smiled.

"Are you sure that you don't want me to go to the launch?" she asked.

"No," said Searle, "It would be better for me if you are not there."

Smiling, she pressed her lips against his and hugged him so fiercely that he could scarcely breathe. Releasing him, she stood back as Searle left their house for the last time. Listening for the car, Susanna heard the engine turn on and her husband pull out of the driveway. Humming to herself, she went to her office and pulled out her latest manuscript. It was a fiction work called Sunshine about 8 astronauts who travel on a mission to restart the sun. Leafing through the pages, Susanna smiled to herself and thought, this is my best work yet. Gently, she laid her manuscript on the desk and sat in her chair. Many a night, she had been working at her desk and Searle always came in with a cup of tea and shoulder massage. Reaching to her shoulder, Susanna half expected to feel his strong hands on her shoulders, but he wasn't there. She hung her head. He would never be there again.

Opening her drawer, Susanna calmly took out a pistol. It was time to say good-bye. Standing up, she took off her robe and stood next to the window allowing the sunlight to bathe her body one last time. Putting the pistol to her head, she pulled the trigger. Her last thought was of Searle and how she would join him in a place of sunshine.