Slowly, every so slowly, I walk into her arms; I can't believe I am doing this; there are so many things that tell me that to accept what she is offering is wrong, but I can't stop. I want her so much it hurts, the tight constriction in my chest is telling me exactly how much. She is so warm, so soft and oh how I have wanted this. She knows, and she didn't lie when she said how much I wanted her, I have ached for her for months now and those few nights of peace I have found have been those nights I imagined holding her just like this. "Oh my precious Rose," I whisper in her hair as she embraces me.
I hold tightly to him, as I have wanted to do all those other times when I felt him wanting me. I love him so very much and I am never going to let him go. Oh how I have longed to do just this.
I know we should get out of here it is so hard from him here this room has far more negative feelings for him then positive ones, that has been more than obvious the few times we have been in here. Talking about this will be hard enough without him going into a flashback. He thinks I haven't noticed, thinks he has covered it up, the lapses when we're talking, but it's really hard not to notice when you're able to feel someone else's emotions. I didn't know what it was that first time over chips. I didn't even know there was a name for it till I did my research on the web that day when the Slitheen ship landed. I know now though what the terror is, the heart pounding fear and boiling anger that suddenly overwhelms him, I understand what these unexpected, undesired, feelings are, and know I dread them; I hate how lost, how miserable they make him.
TARDIS is amazed at what has transpired in the last few minutes as Rose has finally got through to him. She has known for a long while now exactly what Rose's feelings for her Theta have been. She has even tried to direct some of her Theta's thoughts in that direction in those rare occasions he has actually stayed asleep long enough to properly dream, but it has been so hard to get past the nightmares. His tenacious guilt has twisted almost every positive dream image she has provided into something horrible. Maybe now…
I'm going to get dressed lets get out of here. A few minutes later I gently I take his hand, kissing him quickly on the cheek. 'Now which room, TARDIS?' I think maybe it would be best for her to decide, she knows him so much better than I. I leave it to her to figure out to which room we should go; deciding whichever one I find first, is the one we're heading into.
Rose takes my hand and I'm not sure exactly what her intent is, I hope, but at the same time I am afraid to hope, that her words and actions mean what I think they might. So I let her lead and I try not to think about where this journey might take us. It doesn't take me long to find out, the next door down is the door to my bedroom. 'TARDIS?' she doesn't answer and that makes it clear she has been in on this with Rose. How long have these two been working together? What else have they been planning that I should be worried about? "Rose…" I stop her as she reaches for the door.
He's stopped and he still has me locked out. I can't feel any of his emotions like I did before and that scares me. I wish… but no it won't do any good. "Doctor?"
"Rose are you sure?" Somehow I know that if we go in there every thing is going to change and that scares me. I don't want to lose her, I just want…
I may not be able to feel his emotions but they couldn't be any more clearly written on his face. He's scared and I don't know if I can make that fear go away. I'm afraid too but it's too late to go back, we've said too much and I refuse to regret it. Gently I caress his face and kiss him, "Yes Doctor, I'm sure." With that I turn the handle and enter. I'm not sure what I expected to find in his bedroom but I didn't expect it to be so bare or so small. There is a queen size bed with a small bedside table and equally small light that turns on when we enter the room. To the left of the bed are two doors; the closest one is slightly open and leads to an ensuite bathroom, the other I suspect is a closet as there are no drawers for clothing. The only other thing in the room is a book on the bedside table and a comfortable looking chair. That's it.
Everything is normal as we enter my room, except for the fact Rose is with me,. The sight of the bed makes me nervous. . But before I can say anything Rose is kissing me and oh she feels good in my arms.
He's thinking too much again. Can't have that, so I move into to claim the kiss that he had interrupted earlier. This time there is no hesitation and the man really does know how to kiss! I don't think that being cold is going to be an issue for the rest of the night as the heat in that kiss is setting my blood on fire.
I don't know how much more I can take. I haven't felt such intense feelings like this since... I close my eyes and then all I see is burning, 10,000 Dalek ships burning, Gallifrey burning, the screams echoing... burning in my mind, then the icy cold of silence burning. I'm shaking so hard I can no longer stand, my knees buckling under weight, the burning consuming my mind as emotions consume me.
One minute I am holding the man I love more then anything in my arms, then the next my senses are on fire, never in my life have I felt such un-tempered anguish. Every breath I take is like breathing in acid. I'm burning; pain, the likes of which I have never felt.
One moment everything was beautiful the next Theta and Rose are screaming crumpling to the middle of the floor. No! 'THETA!'
I hear the TARDIS screaming my name in my mind as I hear Rose screaming in my ear. No! Not my Rose, my precious Rose. I hold her, rock her, I never wanted this, never, never wanted my darkness to touch her... never wanted to... "Oh Rose, I'm so sorry... I'm so sorry... I didn't mean too... Oh Rose I..."
One minute there is pain like she has never believed possible, the next she hears a beautiful voice, a sweet balm in her mind, but the voice is screaming a name she has never heard before, Theta. Then he is sobbing, crying, telling me how sorry he is and I know that, like two days before, I have somehow connected with his mind and I also know without any question that the excruciating pain I had been experiencing was his.
Reaching out to I gently caresses his face. "Oh Doctor, my poor Doctor, so much pain..."
"Rose I'm sorry I..." I cry brokenly, I can't believe I have hurt her like this. How could I have been so foolish to let her get this close?
"Shush, Doctor, I'm alright..." I have to make him understand; no one should have to endure such pain, let alone by them self. I reach for him. If I let him go now I will never have another chance, I know this as sure as I'm breathing. I reach with my senses, trying to feel what is going on in his mind, nothing.
I don't know what to do; I have hurt her. Her screams of pain still ring in my ears, and yet all she seems to want to do in return is hold me comfort me.
I am getting to him, I can feel him starting to respond, he is no longer blocking me out completely and I can feel his confusion but I can also feel his desire and need for comfort.
"Please Rose, please go..." almost sobbing, I plead, "Please, I don't want to hurt you." And I tremble again as she begins to rock me.
"Then don't push me away!" Then he makes a small helpless sound.
My body begins to tremble as I feel helplessly enthralled, and I couldn't care less she still here, still loves me even after what she has seen.
I can now feel exactly how this is for him, what I am doing for him, as he completely releases his mental shield I hold him even closer trying to let him know how much I love him.