Special thanks to sweetnarcosis!!!

Disclaimer: See Chapter 1

Can't Fight the Moonlight

Chapter 5: It's Not Easy Tonight

She's in over my head

…and it's not easy

It's not easy tonight

Previously on Can't Fight the Moonlight:

Suddenly aware of her surroundings, Addison agrees to find an exam room. She parts with Alex, but only for a moment. Alex placed a hand on her back and another behind her knees. "Would you like me to carry you?"

Addison moves away. "Nah. I can walk. I'm still a little sore. Do I look okay? Like normal?"

No. Alex thinks. She won't leave unless I say she does though. "Yes, of course. You look beautiful." Alex grasps her hand and leads her out of the room, pulling her quickly to an exam room right down the hall. No one sees them exit.

Derek waits before following them; he doesn't want this to look any more suspicious. While waiting in the nursery, he looks at his mascara-stained sleeve of his scrubs and sighs. This is going to be a long day.

Addison smoothes down the wrinkles on the sheet of the hospital bed she's lying in and leans back until her head makes contact with the bed. It's only morning and she's already exhausted from her breakdown in the nursery. The hospital bed sheets don't compare to her 1200 thread count Egyptian Cotton sheets at home, but she's ready to curl up and take a nap.

Addison isn't used to being a patient. The tables have turned and now she's the one sitting in a cold, sterile room, terrified. She hates not knowing what's going to happen next. She hates what's supposed to happen next and wishes she didn't know. She has no control. Addison fiddles nervously with her fingers, twisting them together, cracking her knuckles. Then, she hears Alex shutting the blinds and she looks up to watch him. The room stays dark until Derek flips on the lights.

Alex rummages through drawers, looking for a suitable hospital gown for Addison. He finds a white gown with miniscule green dots and decides not to be picky about fashion. He reaches for Addison's hand and pulls her to a sitting position. Addison uncomfortably glances in Derek's direction. Not a word is spoken, but Derek understands. He politely turns around while Addison removes her current attire, though he's seen her naked many more times than Alex has.

Alex ties the string around her neck and Addison kicks off her scrub pants. Addison feels better, just to be out of her scrubs. For some reason, they felt dirty to her though she only had them on for a few hours. Derek turns around and she can see the mascara stains on his clothes and on Alex's too. She considers apologizing for a second, but then realizes that apologizing would require her to speak, something that she'd rather not do unless necessary. If she starts talking, Derek and Alex might assume that she's ready to talk about IT and HIM.

Or, they might assume she's going to get better, just because she's talking about it. She doesn't want them to get their hopes up, especially Alex, who thinks she'll be alright in the long run, that he can fix her. But what if she never gets over the rape? What if she never stops cutting?

Addison twitches at the thought and Alex instinctively runs his fingers over her pale back, as to reassure her.

Addison reaches for the remote to the hospital bed and presses a button. The end of the bed with her pillow rises so she can sit up with the bed supporting her back. She turns on her side, away from Alex and Derek, and closes her eyes to sleep. Maybe if they think I'm sleeping, they'll go away and I won't have to deal with this right now. Derek and Alex aren't fooled. Alex walks to the other side of the bed so he can see her face. He pulls up and chair and sits down to hold her hand.

Addison's pager beeps and she freezes. What am I going to do? Do I answer it when I look like this?

Derek picks it up off of the floor where Alex threw her scrubs. "It's the chief."

Addison squeezes Alex's hand. She doesn't know what to say. Luckily, Derek speaks for her. "I'll go. I'll explain to him. And I'll get an ER nurse to run a rape kit."

Addison panics. Derek's going to tell people. This isn't supposed to happen so fast. A rape kit? I just need an examination. "Derek, wait." Her voice is dry and raspy. She coughs a little and swallows. "Don't tell anyone yet."

Derek walks back towards the bed. "Addison, we need to warn women if there's a rapist in Seattle. If you report it to the police, they might be able to catch this guy."

Addison doesn't say anything, but she appears to be considering it. Alex turns toward Derek. "Would you mind sending Dr. Bailey or Callie too? I think it would make her feel more comfortable, you know, during the exam."

Derek looks at Addison. She nods and he reaches for the door handle. "Of course. I'll be right back." As closes the door, he finds himself wondering how okay Addison will be with just Alex there. It took them both so long to get her to talk and her breakdown in the nursery was difficult for him to handle. He's never seen her so helpless, but Addison's always been one to hide her feelings. Back in New York, she never told him how hurt she was by his absence. Maybe I just didn't listen. Derek shakes off that thought; he has enough guilt on his plate.

As he walks down the hall, Derek wonders what Addison and Alex talk about, normally. Do they talk? I guess, if they did, that's all over now, at least for a little while. Addison certainly doesn't want to talk now, about anything. At least we got her to open up about the rape. But, I can almost see the wall she always puts up when things get personal and, now, it's stronger than ever. Inevitably, it will hurt her to tear down the wall. If she would only see that life is so much easier when emotions aren't bottled up inside of you. Derek sighs and promises himself that he won't be away from Addison too long. Just say what you need to say, and then get out of there. But Derek knew that he was kidding himself. This conversation with the surgical attendings would be anything but short.

You were down
You could see
You wore hearts for me

Derek finds Richard in his office, absently flipping through a chart. Derek closes the door behind him and Richard looks up over his glasses. "Derek. How are you?"

Derek runs a hand through his hair, massaging his scalp for a moment. "Not so good. I need to talk to you about something."

Richard sets his glasses down on the desk. "Could it wait a moment? I just paged Addison and-"

Derek cuts him off. "It's about Addison."

Derek's sharp tone frightens Richard. The older man can tell that Derek hasn't come with good news. He takes a deep breath in because he's not used to dealing with issues of his own. It's the reason he never leaves the hospital, the reason he might be getting a divorce sometime soon. But this, he can't ignore. It's Addison and she doesn't deserve that. "What about her?"

Derek paces the room before he settles down in one of the chairs in front of Richard's desk. "I'd prefer it if I could speak to all the surgical attendings and residents. It's urgent, but she could use some support."

All of the surgical attending and residents? What happened? Richard is about to protest when Derek interrupts him again. "Richard, it's important. Please. Just page them to your office."

Richard doesn't take orders, but Derek asked nicely. He picks up the phone. "Just the surgical attending and residents?"

Derek nods. This seems suspicious to Richard. Addison is well-liked all around the hospital. If she's been in an accident, why not just make an announcement over the PA system? She could have flowers and candy delivered in seconds. But Richard trusts Derek. Derek has never given him a reason to doubt his abilities. Well, except for dating an intern while married. Richard could excuse that though. Everyone makes mistakes.

Of course, Burke opens the door first. Bailey and Callie are next. Mark shuffles in and ignores the scowl he receives from Derek.

Okay, that's everyone. "Can someone shut the door?" Derek can't see it, but he hears the door swing shut. "Thank you."

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Outside in the hallway…

Meredith, Cristina, George and Izzie all walk down the main hallway of the surgical wing. They laugh, as Cristina jokingly insults George and his taste in music. (Having two copies of the Moulin Rouge soundtrack is unacceptable for an adult male.)

But just as George prepares for a comeback (or an excuse), Cristina flings her right arm out, stopping the group in their tracks. She points across to Richard's office, where Mark lazily walks through the door.

"Resident/Attending meeting. Look!" Cristina's eyes light up and her speech becomes hurried and hopeful, "I bet we're getting new equipment. Maybe a new MRI?"

The door shuts and the interns rush over to peek through the glass windows. Derek faces Richard with his back towards them. All the other attendings talk amongst themselves.

Cristina taps her foot excitedly. "It's gotta be a new MRI. That just has to be it. Or…" she waves her arms around, as if experiencing a revelation. "the ultrasound ablation system!! It's really big in Europe-"

"Shut up." Meredith clamps a hand over Cristina's mouth. "Look." She gestures to Derek, who has now turned around. He does NOT look happy at all.

George sarcastically remarks. "It doesn't look like he's too excited about the new MRI."

Izzie slaps George on the arm, as she didn't hear his sarcastic hint. "George! Obviously we're not getting a new MRI. Something bad happened."

George rubs his arm and winces. Izzie packs quite a punch. "I know! I was just kidding."

"Oh." Izzie steps back and folds her arms. "You should make it clearer next time."

George shrugs. Meredith pushes Cristina forward. "You can read lips. What is Derek saying?"

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Derek stands up and turns around to the group of people, all murmuring in excitement. Derek yells out to all the surgeons. "Hey!! Be quiet!!" Silence falls over the Richard's office. Derek almost smiles, as he likes this new power though certainly not in this situation, but he has to remain serious.

Wow. With everyone looking and him and waiting, Derek realizes that he hasn't planned out what to say. And he'd better hurry because people are starting to whisper again. "Umm...Last night, something terrible happened."

This shuts everyone up. Richard is sure that Addison was in some kind of devastating car wreck. He closes his eyes and rubs his forehead.

Derek continues. "Dr. Montg-" Derek stops himself. This isn't formal, it's personal. "Addison. Addison was attacked."

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Outside in the hallway…

"Addison!!" George yells out. "He said Addison!"

Izzie wrinkles her nose in confusion. "That doesn't make sense. She's not even in the room."

"She's the only attending who's not there." Meredith points out. "Maybe something bad happened to her."

George shakes his head. "I saw her this morning. She seemed fine, completely normal."

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Back in Richard's office, all of the women in the room tremble slightly at Derek's words. Callie crosses her arms over her stomach and makes the connections in her head. No wonder she was acting so strangely this morning. I can't believe I didn't see the signs. She was behaving just like a rape victim. She must think I'm clueless and insensitive. I have to apologize to her. She's my best friend.

Across the room, which isn't far because Richard's office (though he is Chief of Surgery) is very small, Burke stares off into space. It's particularly difficult for him, as this is a painful reminder of him witnessing his younger sister's rape at the age of fourteen. He was supposed to protect her and he failed. Preston Burke, the perfectionist, failing? No, he took his revenge, identifying the rapist and testifying at the trial. Still, he knows his sister struggles almost daily with the memory. He blames himself and wishes that he could have helped her somehow, taken a little bit of the pain away. For a while, this weighed down on his conscience, until it was ruining his life. He hit rock bottom, ignoring family and friends, throwing himself into med-school. Eventually, he got help and he's seen a psychologist ever since. Now, he knows how to deal with his emotions, knows how to keep them under control. But still, his eyes start watering and he chokes up. He can generally calm himself down, but he knows and respects and likes Addison. He suddenly wishes Cristina was safe and close to him where no one can hurt her.

Derek waits for everyone to settle down. "He got away, which means there's probably a rapist in the Seattle area. I just thought all of you should know. So you can do what you need to do." He looks pointedly at the women in the room.

Richard sits up in his chair, attentive to every word that Derek speaks. I was not expecting this. He clears his throat. "How is she?"

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In the hallway, the group of interns continues to stare intently through the glass window. Izzie watches the chief and says, "He said 'Howichi'!"

Izzie is very proud of herself for a moment, but then Meredith rolls her eyes. "And what does that mean, Izzie?" Izzie shrugs, but Cristina replies "It's a character from a Native American myth."

Meredith wonders how Cristina can hold so much information in her brain. "I have a strong instinct telling me that the Derek isn't telling a Native American myth about Addison."

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In the room, everyone looks at Richard for a moment, then they trail their eyes back to Derek. Derek pauses. If he says how she's REALLY doing, everyone will be distracted from their jobs for the rest of the day. But he can't lie. Not about this. But he can bend the truth and omit the rest. "She's uh...a little scared, but she's holding out. I mean, at least she's going to report him." She didn't say no. That's mostly the truth. "All of you know how many rape cases don't get reported."

Everyone nods in agreement. Callie speaks up. "Does she want to see anyone?"

Derek decides that it would probably not be a good idea to have all of them come see her at the same time. Maybe just Richard and Callie or Miranda. Mark will want to see her, but Derek doesn't think that would be good for her, but he reminds himself not to be selfish. He knows that he doesn't want Mark to see her because he still holds a grudge against Mark for stabbing him in the back. Not that the grudge isn't legitimate, but Derek really should be thinking of Addison. "Maybe. I don't really know how she feels about this. I'll have to ask her. Alex is there, but I'm not too sure she needs a crowd watching her right now."

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Outside, George pipes up "I think Shepherd said washing."

Cristina stares at him. "Seriously. Do you think that is going to help us?"

George scoffs. "At least I saw him say Addison. You haven't done anything, Miss Lip-Reading-Expert."

Cristina laughs. "At least I don't have two copies of Moulin Rouge."

George has to explain himself. "I don't have two copies of the movie. I have two copies of the soundtrack. It's very different."

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Back in the room, Derek hears more whispering and waves his hands to command their attention. "Sorry to take your time, but I felt it was necessary. Just remember to be careful. If you'd like to see Addison, page me. I'm not sure she's going to want to see everyone at once. And I shouldn't have to say this, but keep it quiet. All of you. Please. Do it for Addison."

Derek turns to Miranda and Callie. "Addison needs a pelvic exam. Alex and I agreed that it would be better if one of her female friends performed it instead of us. I'm sure we can find someone, but I was going to ask you two first-"

Miranda steps up. "I'll do it. I owe it to her. She saved my son's life. And I've examined her before, for the poison oak, so she should feel more comfortable."

Callie nods. "That's okay with me. I just want to see her."

Mark joins the circle of surgeons around Richard's desk. "Yeah, me too."

Derek tries to ignore Mark, instead of glaring at him. "Okay. But just to warn you, she was...hesitant with me and Alex. And we know her best."

Mark holds back asking how well he knew her back in New York when she was falling into a depression and he didn't even notice. She must trust him again. Maybe that since he's with another woman now, he's more attentive to her feelings. Derek hears Mark make a small noise, but he only pauses. "I'm not sure how receptive she'll be to all the attention."

"We'll be gentle." Callie promises. "And we'll leave if she gets upset."

Everyone agrees. Derek isn't too sure about this. He knows Addison might seem fine on the outside, but mentally she could be breaking down "I'll go in first." he proposes. "And I'll make sure it's okay with her." Again, Mark has to bite his tongue and not make a smart-aleck remark along the lines of "And who say's you can tell if she's okay?" Mark wonders why his brain wants to argue against everything Derek says. Maybe it's because he's hurt her so much. It's a protective instinct, he tells himself.

Miranda has a sad and slightly angry look in her eyes. She knows she must be strong, for Addison, but she can see Derek's face and she knows it must be bad. This whole situation has taken a toll on him and he looks pained, not so much as when Meredith almost died. But more pained than he looked in the elevator after he had broken up with Meredith and called Bonnie's death. He wasn't angry, just sad and possible remorseful, though Miranda wouldn't know why. It wasn't his fault. "She's not doing well, is she?" Miranda just has to ask. "This must be a terrible stress on her."

Derek wasn't expecting this question. Why is Miranda trying to make it hard on me? When I lie about how Addison's feeling, I don't expect them to inquire more. Why can't she tell that I don't want to talk about this? "No. She's not doing well. She needs you guys. I think she's feeling alone right now and she's still in shock of the whole experience." Derek doesn't want to talk anymore. He doesn't feel comfortable revealing any more information about Addison. "We just need to do the pelvic exam before she changes her mind."

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Izzie peeks over Cristina's head to get a good look at Derek. Suddenly, her eyes widen. "Shepherd said 'pelvic exam'. I'm almost sure of it. You can't really mistake those words for something else."

Meredith frowns. "Why would Addison need a pelvic exam? Maybe something's wrong with her. Like cancer, or something." That would explain why Derek is so upset.

Izzie leans against the glass. "George said she was normal this morning. And, if she has cancer, why doesn't she just tell them herself?"

George smiles for a moment, trying to look on the optimistic side of things. "Maybe they're planning a surprise birthday party for her."

Meredith's eyes narrow. "No. That's stupid."

George steps away from her, offended. "Excuse me?" He grins.

"Sorry." Meredith mutters. Way to be blunt. "But even if Izzie is wrong about the pelvic exam, Derek wouldn't look like that if he was planning a party. See, he must have said something troubling because they all have concerned expressions on their faces." But it doesn't explain why he doesn't want us to know. Sure, it might be a little distracting, but if she is sick, the least he could do is tell us. We know her too, especially… "Alex. Has anyone seen Alex lately?"

Izzie scratches her head and then remembers. "No. He was assigned to Dr. Montgomery's service today."

George pulls out his cell phone from the pocket of his scrubs. "I'll call him to see if he knows anything." Come on, Alex. Pick up the phone.

The group waits in silence while the phone rings. After five tones, Alex's voice is heard, on the answering machine. "He's not picking up." George says. "I'll try again. You know, it takes SOME," he mock glares at Izzie "people an extra moment to answer their cell phones."

"I have a very large purse and it falls to the bottom." Izzie protests. When Alex fails to answer his phone for the second time, George shrugs. "Maybe he just left it in his locker."

Meredith makes a face, disgusted. Leave it to George to make excuses. Optimism is not her thing.She'd rather have the ugly truth than a bunch of lies.

George continues, much to her dismay. "All of this could be some sort of misunderstanding. Alex's disappearance doesn't mean anything. It's lunchtime. He's probably just waiting for us in Really Really Old Guy's room. That's where we would usually be."

The interns agree and head for the room. Unfortunately, when they enter, Alex is absent. "Something must be wrong." Izzie whispers to herself.

Meredith can't stop thinking about the pelvic exam. What else requires a pelvic? Come on, Meredith, think! She could be pregnant, but again, that would be a happy thing. Cancer just doesn't make logical sense. It has to be some sort of accident, or something that wasn't planned. Meredith sits down in the chair by Really Really Old Guy's bedside. She looks down at her shoes. I really should get some new shoes. Or I should get over my superstitious beliefs about the other ones. Because of Allison, the rape victim, she hasn't worn those brand new shoes ever since that day. But they still sit in her closet, watching her. Suddenly, something clicks and it all makes sense to her. "What if she was raped?"

Izzie gasps, but everyone else falls silent. George starts to pace the room, looking out the window. "That would make sense. She was fine this morning. And it would explain the pelvic exam."

Cristina wonders "But, why wouldn't they tell us?"

Izzie bites her lip. It's personal, she thinks. "It can't be. If it happened anywhere near the hospital, they would have to tell us. It's not safe."

"I don't buy it." Cristina blurts out. "Dr. Montgomery? I would have expected her to be the kind of women who shoves her keys into his eye ball. Or, you know, the kind of woman who bites off a penis." Everyone remembers Allison, the tiny woman who kicked her rapist's ass and put him into jail.

It's just a coincidence, Meredith thinks. I'm getting emotional over nothing. You can't be cursed just from a pair of shoes.

Meredith shivers. What if it was me? I'm not as strong as Addison or Allison. What would happen to me? That kind of man would render me speechless and could break every bone in my body. She shudders at the thought. I really wish Derek was here. "I wonder if it was at the hospital." Meredith thought out loud.

"Maybe she was walking from the hospital to her house. Alex told me she doesn't live far away." George suggested.

Cristina pops a piece of gum in her mouth and chews it with her mouth open. She always does this, as a rebellion against her mother's strict guidelines on manners. "Yeah. But that seems kind of stupid. A tall, attractive- No, George. I, personally don't think she's attractive, don't get your hopes up- woman walking alone at night. It's kind of like asking for it."

"No one asks for that." Izzie says coldly. "Even so, do you really think Addison would be stupid enough to walk alone at night? Seriously, she used to live in New York City. I'm willing to bet she's got a few self-defense courses under her belt." Her tone turns icy and

Everyone looks at Izzie. Meredith works up the courage to ask "Izz, are you okay?"

"I'm fine." Izzie crosses her arms in front of her.

Okay then. Meredith thinks. It's probably better to let Izzie think than to confront her about anything. Meredith changes the subject, kind of. "I'm really glad that I have Derek. I'd be so scared without him."

At this, Izzie bursts into tears. Meredith, Cristina, and George are all taken aback. They remain silent as Izzie reaches for a tissue out of the box on the desk. "I'm sorry." she sobs. "I've got to go." I have to find Mark. Izzie stands from her chair and rushes out.

Meredith looks to Cristina and George. "Did I say something?"

They shrug. It's Izzie. Who knows what she's thinking sometimes?

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Back in Richard's office, Callie watches Derek awkwardly try to put his hands on his hips. Something's not right here. Shepherd's not telling us something. "So, can we see her now?" Derek silently thanks Callie for bringing the conversation to an end. "Yeah. I'll take you to her room." Richard stands from his desk and everyone follows Derek. When Derek opens the door, he finds a very upset Izzie Stevens.

Shotgun fire… anybody home
I got two dimes in the telephone
Alright…
It's not easy tonight

Izzie runs into the line of attendings and residents coming out of Richard's office. Tears are welling in her eyes and she folds her arms across her stomach. Mark sees her crying and rushes to the front of the group. He wants to touch her, but he knows he shouldn't. He's screwed up and she might never forgive him if he makes any more mistakes "What's wrong?" he asks.

Izzie throws herself into his arms. Mark strokes her curly blonde hair. He loves her hair; it reminds him of the dolls that Derek's sisters used to play with. He blinks out of his thoughts when she starts speaking.

Izzie pleads with him. "I can't be alone. Please, Mark. I'm sorry about the sushi and shoving the eel in your face."

Derek chuckles at Izzie's words. Mark had it coming to him.

Burke and Callie look confused and Richard just seems angry. If another attending/intern relationship gets in the way of important business…I will- I will just have to do something about that. But Richard knows he's just made another hollow threat.

Mark turns around and glares at Derek. He's been nothing but nice (Well, sort of.) to Derek all day. "It's okay, babe. I understand. I was an ass, can you forgive me?"

Wow. Derek thought. Mark sure knows how to work the women.

Izzie nods against Mark's chest. "Thank you."

Mark lifts Izzie's chin with his fingers so he can look at her. "Wanna take a nap?"

Izzie snuggles into him. "Yeah. That sounds nice." Yes! Yes! Yes!

Mark looks up at the group of surgeons and grins. "Well, we're going to go take a nap."

Richard recognizes the sparkle in Mark's eye that says 'I'm not really going to take a nap, I'm just saying that to get laid.' He immediately puts a stop to this. No one will be having sex on his surgical floor if he can help it. "No, Sloan. There will be no 'naps' in this hospital. Don't even think about it." Richard realizes how ridiculous he sounds.

"Think about what?" Mark asks innocently. He turns to Derek. "Derek. Will you explain to Addison...?" he gestures to Izzie.

"Uh. Yeah." Derek answers. Explain to her that you couldn't be there for her because you were off having sex with another woman? Yeah, I can do that.

Mark turns to Callie. "Will you make sure he explains correctly?"

Callie nods and Derek frowns. Damn. That's okay. It would have probably just hurt her more, something I definitely don't want to do.

Mark tugs on Izzie. "Let's go. I see an empty on-call room with your name on it."

"Okay." Izzie replies sleepily. Mark half-carries her to the on-call room, all the while trying not to grope her.

Derek shakes his head.

Some things never change.

So, what do you think? I'm not too happy with this one. I just wanted to make you laugh a little. :)

Next week it'll get better. There's more Addison, always a good thing.

Hmm. I better go spend time with my mother. She gets lonely sometimes, I think.