Dear Pen pal,
I had everything I wanted to say in my head:
'Yo, Nikui, I hate you but I have a damn good reason. You made fun of me, you were rude to me. I did nothing to you! Give me three good reasons and if you hat me just because I am alive, I feel sorry for your parents for raising someone like you.'
Then, the more I realized that he hated me till the end of his miserable life. This made me want to cry…
'Why? Why? I just wanted someone to accept me! You made fun of me, I sucked it in. I lived through it. When you screamed at me to pick up your agenda, I did. Please…I don't want everyone to hate me. My mother doesn't even love me, that is why I don't talk to her. She doesn't want to see my face. I have no one I can trust. Is that why you hate me? I am hard to get through? I don't want anymore people to hate me. I just wanted us to be friends…'
Man, that's too bad. To think of a speech that I will never say. To anyone.
' "Okay, he looked at me," Mariane began, "Then looked away angrily. I said: 'don't worry, I won't talk about her'. He turns to face me, smiles and then says: 'cool, what do you want to talk about?'." '
I made her cry too.
Obsession is such a pitiful thing. To obsess over a boy…more pitiful there.
' "You need to face the facts, you'll never get Ben!" '
I heart ACJR (his nickname) all over her notebook.
M ACJR all over her arm.
I told her the truth. And she cried. Ah…truth is such a bitch. It hurts the most. My little crush on this other boy (not Nikui, since I was gonna try and forget him) was over when I saw him wrap his arms around another girl's waist.
Right in front of me.
I lost two things that day; then two days later, I lost something else. I am so depressed. What should I do?
I just want to hold him. But he hates me. What can I do?
"It is better to be feared than loved." –Nicollvi Michivelli
Does that mean that it is better to be hated than loved?
My father and I had a 'talk' last night. He told me that everyone is ignorant and that everyone is dead to me.
' "Those who are not your friends are dead in your world, remember that." '
' "What some?" The girl asked me as she pointed to some pizza, the last piece.
"Yea." I whispered. The girl smirked at me.
"Well too bad, stupid." '
' "I will catch stupid." Another girl said as she moved her desk far away from mine. '
The more and more I am here, the more and more I wanted to kill myself. The whole world is now dead to me.
I can't trust anyone, I guess. Only about four people I can trust, seven people who I can talk to, over 1,000 people who should be killed.
I have two options:
1 – Kill myself.
2 – Bomb the school.
I am really thinking of the first one. I hate it that I hate pain. I want to cut myself. On, please, someone kill me. Spilt me n half. Slice my stomach. Pull out my organs. Scratch my eyes out. Do something! PLEASE! Sorry, I should stop now. I…I just don't know what to do anymore with my life. Help me.
Maybe going to school was a big mistake. I could have just played sick. God. I don't like school at all. Don't ya feel me?
Well, I guess I should go to bed now. I am tired again.
Please write back pen pal, I don't even know your name.
From,
Armory
(Can't bring peace without the blood…)