Disclaimer: See Chapter 1

Can't Fight the Moonlight

Chapter 15: Beast of Burden

Previously on Can't Fight the Moonlight…

Izzie sighed, "It was too loud at Meredith's."

Mark winced. "Make-up sex?"

Izzie laughed. "Is that all you think about?!" She shook her head. "No, actually, Meredith was really upset about last night."

"Why? What happened last night?" Addison asked softly.

Izzie hesitated. All eyes went (and not very subtly) to Addison Addison looked at the ground. "It's because of me. It's because he stayed here, right?"

Alex reached for her hand and gave Mark a knowing look. Mark took the hint. "Ummm...no. No...It's definitely not that."

Addison refused to let Alex touch her and crossed her arms. "Mark! Stop lying to me!" Her eyes never left the floor. "I'd be really mad too, if I was her. I can't imagine what she must be thinking! If I was her, I'd hate me."

Yeah, all your sickness
I can suck it up
Throw it all at me
I can shrug it off
There's one thing baby
That I don't understand
You keep on telling me
I ain't your kind of man

Addison woke up and groaned. Her head was killing her. She threw back her comforter and Alex stirred a little. She bit her lip and slowly swung her legs over the side. She stood and her feet hit the seemingly hard carpet. She made her was to the bathroom and opened the closet, searching for some sort of pain reliever. It was impossible to see with her head pounding like it was. She squinted at the Advil and picked it up, careful not to rattle the bottle. She swallowed three pills dry.

Ugh. She didn't like the taste of it and one of the pills caught in her throat.

Alex came up behind her. "What are you doing?"

Addison jumped. "You scared the shit out of me, Alex! Don't ever do that again!" It was so irritating when people snuck up from behind her. She hated feeling this scared; she almost broke out into a cold sweat.

"Okay. Sorry, babe." He stepped behind her and massaged her shoulders to win back her trust. "What are you doing?"

Addison glared at him. "Just getting some Advil. I didn't realize that I needed your permission."

Alex resisted the urge to punch the mirror. Sometimes, her sarcastic comments really stung. "I just asked what you were doing. How many did you take?"

"I'm only taking two!" Addison slammed the pills down on the counter, washing them down with some water. Alex took the medicine bottle from her hands, putting it back in the closet. "Do you remember what happened last night?"

She looked down at the ground shamefully and leaned again the counter. Clearly, he was waiting for her to speak, so she nodded and pushed past him back in to bed. "I don't want to talk about it." She knew that he would make her explain her feelings. Or, he would want her to rationalize the nightmares, something she didn't know how to do. She hated being at a loss of words around Alex. She was supposed to be his teacher. He didn't say it, but she knew that he expected her to have all the answers.

"Brush your teeth." He threw her toothbrush, already wet, onto the bed and then the toothpaste. He shoved his own toothbrush into his mouth, brushing furiously.

She sulked, not wanting to do anything that he asked her to because of condescending way he was treating her. She was failing as his teacher.

And he was letting her. "I don't want to."

He took the toothbrush out of his own mouth and smiled, exposing the white toothpaste/saliva mixture in his mouth. He struggled for words, "Don'-cha wanna 'ave good breasth to kisss me withs?"

He looked so cute that she just had to laugh. Suddenly, she felt better about everything. It was amazing how quickly Alex could lift her spirits. She began happily brushing her teeth. He left for the bathroom and she followed him. The both spit out at the same time, and Addison giggled. After rinsing, Alex put his face close to hers, waiting for her to kiss him. She moved very slowly, taunting him, and let her lips brush against his for just a second, before pulling away. He hung his head low in disappointment, so she pressed her lips more fully against his. She really missed kissing him. Well, happily kissing him. Lately, Alex had been kissing her out of pity, to comfort her. This was great, but she wanted him to kiss her out of love. She hadn't felt that in so long.

This time, he pulled away, not wanting to force her into anything that she didn't want to do. Obviously, the attack had scarred her in this way, as it would to anyone. Will she ever be the same? Will she ever sleep through an entire night again? Will they ever be able to make love like they used to? She might never get past it, Alex didn't know. Maybe the thought of sex would repulse her, remind her of this tragic thing that had happened to her. He needed to know if he could help her overcome it.

He put his hand on her knee, trying to make some sort of connection to her. Still, he felt so distant. There was something separating them. He's learned, from past experiences, that the best thing for relationships is communication, almost brutal honesty. He wanted her to know that she didn't have to hide anything from him." Just tell me one thing."

Her mouth dropped open in fright. She didn't want to talk about this. Why won't he understand? She scowled, instinctively building an angry, bitter wall of defense. "What?"

"I just want us to be honest with each other..." He could tell that she was already nervous. Why is she so afraid of me? "Last night, I was trying my hardest to be there for you, and you just wanted Derek."

"But-" Addison tried to stop him. I don't want to do this! It was just too painful and uncomfortable.

"No." She needed to listen to him or else they weren't going to get anywhere. "Tell me how I can help you." He gazed into her eyes. "Why can't it be me who makes you feel better? I want to help you, but I can't if you won't let me."

Her eyes narrowed at him. "How can you think that?! I've told you over and over how much I love you."

His hand covered hers on the mattress. "Just because you love me doesn't mean that you're ready for this."

"What is wrong with you?!" she screamed. "What, do you think that I'm still infatuated with Derek?" she mocked.

Alex ran a hand through his hair. "I don't know..."

Immediately, he realized he gave her the wrong impression. She growled and stormed off into the closet, tears threatening to fall from her eyes. The door slid shut without a lock, but he didn't attempt to open it. He knew she needed some privacy. She was saying things, but through the mirror, he could only pick up a few important words.

Addison slid to the floor. How could he think that? She'd made it clear to Alex how miserable their marriage had been. All of this was so much in the past. Other issues had taken over her life. She didn't have time to dwell on these sorts of memories. She was just friends with Derek and Mark; she loved Alex. Yet, it seemed that he didn't know that.

Alex tapped on the door. " Addison, I didn't mean to upset you."

"How could you think of me like that? Do you think that I would date you if I had feelings for anyone else?" Maybe this was her reputation as an adulteress whore coming back to bite her in the ass. "Do you think that I am some sort of tramp? I thought you didn't listen to that stupid hospital gossip chain."

"I don't." He leaned against the closet door.

Addison ran her hands through her hair, pulling at the ends in frustration. "Then why would you suggest anything like that?" She was in tears now, her voice cracking at the end of every sentence.

Alex put his hand against the mirror, trying to get as close to her as possible. "Remember? You suggested it."

"But you didn't say anything."

"I was just thinking." She knew this was the truth. He continued, "I just don't know what to think anymore. I mean, even when I tried to touch you, you slapped my hand away."

Addison moaned in annoyance. "That was my subconscious! I was practically asleep!"

Alex tugged on the door. It wouldn't budge. " Addison! Get away from the door."

"I am away from it!" She protested. She was sitting in the back of the closet, with her head against a few of her dresses. Some of her tears had stained the fabric. She cursed herself for being such an emotional wreck.

"The door won't open!" he exclaimed.

"What?!" She jumped up from her spot on the floor. Clawing at the door, she screamed, "Alex! Get me out! Open the door! Please!"

" Addison, calm down. You're going to be fine. It's just a little stuck." He fiddled with the door. It seemed that the handle-less, sliding door had come out of its ridge. The mirror was offering little friction and it was very difficult to pull it off. "Hey, I need your help. Can you lift the door a little bit?"

She wiped her nose. "Yeah." Addison pushed up on the mirror as Alex pulled on it and it slid out of the groove entirely. Alex jumped out of the way as it crashed to the floor. Glass flew everywhere, creating little light reflections and rainbows all over the room. Addison leaped back into Alex's arms and he caught her, but he had to step back to support her weight.

He cried out it pain. "Owwww!"

Addison instantly let go. "Oh, Alex. I'm so sorry. Come here." She sat him down in her chair by the counter. "Let me look at it."

Alex winced, still suffering from the shock of the pain. "Is it deep?"

Addison lifted his foot. "No. I'm going to have to take out the glass though and bandage it."

"Hgmmm." Alex groaned. His foot stung and the pain radiated through his leg. "No stitches?"

Addison smiled. "I don't think so." She stepped around the glass to get to the cabinet with the bandages.

"Be careful." He warned her. The last thing she needed was another scar on her body.

She hopped around the glass. "Okay. I got it." Suddenly, she fell forward on to him and all he wanted to do was hold her there, next to him. After a few long seconds, she picked herself up. "Sorry," she murmured sheepishly. "I guess I'm a little clumsy today."

She picked out the glass with tweezers. He tried his best to look manly and masculine. "That's okay. We all have clumsy days."

She shrugged. "Most clumsy days don't end in seven years of bad luck." She spread the anti-infection cream on the cut and began to wrap up his foot.

"I think that you've already had enough bad luck to last a lifetime. It's about time the universe cuts you a break." He set his foot down on the floor. She sighed and kissed his foot and then his still bandaged knee. "Does it feel better now?"

"Much," he assured her.

Addison admired her work and fingered the tape on his knee in thought.

"What?" Alex inquired. She had a curious expression on her face.

She shook the face out of her hair. "I think I want to go back to work."

I'll never be your beast of burden
My back is broad but it's a hurting
All I want is for you to make love to me
I'll never be your beast of burden
I've walked for miles my feet are hurting
All I want is for you to make love to me

Meredith stirred in bed. Derek had just gotten back to bed. They were both pretending to be asleep.

Derek was struggling, with everything that had happened with Addison. And therefore, Meredith was struggling. She connected to him and his feelings in the most intimate ways. She just wished that he could connect to her like that. But it seemed like guilt clogged his head at nearly every moment of the day. She sighed heavily, indicating her frustration. She was counting on the fact that he could hear her.

She waited for a minute and then sighed again, this time louder and she nudged him. Still, he remained silent.

"Derek!" she whispered fiercely.

"What?" his voice was hoarse.

Her hand found his under the covers. "We should talk. About stuff that's been going on."

"Mmmm." He rubbed his eyes. "Sure. Go ahead."

She was getting the feeling that he didn't really want to be a part of this conversation. Did he really want a relationship with her right now? Was it healthy for his emotional health? "Well, I just wanted to talk about what you've been doing lately."

"Okay." He wasn't even looking at her, just staring at the ceiling.

"You've been spending a lot of time with Addison. I understand that she needs you, but, Derek, this is ridiculous. She's driving you to the point of insanity with this guilt trip."

"What?" All of a sudden, Derek sat up in bed. "She's not driving me to anything. You have no idea what I've done. I mean, you would probably want to stop dating me if you knew..."

Meredith rolled her eyes, even though Derek couldn't really see her. "I know, I know, Derek. I've heard it a thousand times. You were distant, you were inattentive. But you deserve forgiveness too. I'm not blaming anyone. I just want you to put our relationship first."

"Doesn't that seem a little cruel and self-centered?" Derek spat out. This was not a good day for him and it only seemed to drag on.

"What? That I want to spend a little time with my boyfriend??!" She screeched. Meredith's voice could get extremely high-pitched if she willed it too. It was only adding to the pressure inside Derek's head. "Is it such a crime to ask you to be home a little earlier? I mean, you feel so guilty about ignoring your wife, then why are you treating me the same way?"

"It is NOT the same way, MEREDITH," Derek growled.

"I just want you home at a decent time! I want you to pay more attention to me!" Meredith realized how incredibly self-involved that she sounded, but her conscious told her that Derek needed to hear this.

"I LOVE you. I just have to be around Addison more, just for right now. Just because of the rape, and other issues that I don't feel comfortable discussing with you...and I think Addison and Alex are having problems."

"What other issues? Addison and Alex are having problems?" All of this new information was almost too much for her. Meredith became obsessively curious. "Come on, Derek. You can tell me anything." Now Meredith was fully sitting up attentively.

Derek hit his head jokingly with the pillow. "I never should have said anything. You can't tell anyone."

"Well, I don't know anything! Just tell me what is going on. Open up to me." This wasn't exactly what Meredith had in mind for this particular conversation, but it was quickly evolving into an interesting discussion of other sorts.

"Meredith, I can't. It's Addison's privacy. You know I would if I could."

"I don't know that! Not anymore at least..." Meredith gave her tell-tale signs that she was about to go into a long rant. "I can't believe you are doing this to me. After everything that I have done for you. Obviously the words 'commitment' and 'relationship' mean nothing to you because..."

"How can you say that? You are the most commitment phobic person in the whole state of Washington, possibly the whole United States. I know and I understand your issues. I'm just asking you to do the same!" Derek's argument was compelling, but Meredith refused to let on.

"You didn't come home! And you always come home! I never see you anymore! You know, long before you started all this crap, Addison and I had a long talk about you. She always talked about these things happening and I truly believed that you would never pull any of that stuff with me. And now I'm SITTING here and I can't believe how ignorant I was! I'm actually pissed off. So, just to make everything clear, that history is NOT going to REPEAT itself. At least not with me."

Derek clenched the sheets in his hand. "So what are you saying?"

They had completely switched roles in the relationship. Meredith was confident and controlling. Derek was hesitant and defensive. Somewhere along the line, they moved to the opposite side without telling each other. Meredith swallowed and proceeded to do something that only the old-Derek would do.

"I think we should take a break from our relationship."

Derek frowned. He was not expecting this. "Take a break? That's just an easy way of saying you want to break up."

"No! I don't want to break up!" Meredith made her feelings very clear. "Just a break. Take some time to yourself. Think things through. You can spend as much time with Addison as you want. Just know that I'm going to try to move on too."

"Meredith that is the exact same thing as breaking up." Derek couldn't see why Meredith kept contradicting herself.

"Fine, Derek. Call it whatever you want. Just get away. If this doesn't work out, we'll know that we're meant to be."

Derek laughed mockingly. "You know what? Usually, when you say stuff like that, it makes me sick. Now, it's good to know I won't have to hear it anymore. I won't have to deal with your daddy issues or your unending pessimism. Finally, I'm free."

"Derek, don't forget who even suggested this break. It's me who wants out. And if you ever say anything like that to me again, we will be over for good."

Derek pulled on his jeans and t-shirt. "Good. Just remember that one of these days, I'm not going to come back. I won't be here to save you when you go through one of your little phases. And you know? This just might be that time."

Meredith threw a pillow at his head, not wanting to really hurt him, but to take some of her anger out. "FINE. LEAVE. Go now!!! Get out of my house!!" She screamed at him.

Derek left quietly and she sunk back down into her bed.

This was a very long day, indeed.

A/N: I'm so tired. I'm going to sleep right now because my author's note last time was enough to last a good 3 more author's notes. And in case you were wondering, the singer/band from the last chapter is Chris Shaffer/the Why Store.

Sorry this update took so long. School is difficult and very very stressful. I miss winter break.

And also, I didn't do the Maddison flashback. Maybe some other time. Hehe. I like the next chapter.

And I know this is so over-said,

And I know this is so over-said, but reviews are completely motivating. And that will be my last time to say that for this story. Which is 25 chapters (in case I didn't mention that before).