Christmas 2002: An unwanted host.
Severus had been restless for days. He couldn't sleep or concentrate at work, and he jumped at the smallest of noises. He drifted from room to room aimlessly, randomly picking up objects and putting them back down. Although he was used to living alone, the house felt strangely empty.
He realized with a jolt that he was half expecting Harry to turn up. Not just that, but a part of him wanted to open the door to see him standing there, regardless of how bad they'd left things last time.
As it drew closer to Christmas he was becoming uncharacteristically panicky, and, although he hated to admit it, he felt sick with worry over the boy who had left him to pick up pieces of his life without so much as an explanation.
Bdbdbd
Minerva glanced into the fireplace and talked to Severus' disembodied head from behind her desk. He was just as formal as he always was when fire calling her, and she was mildly amused by his inability to relax when there was even the faintest risk that he could be overheard.
"I'm afraid I require this morning off, headmistress." She struggled to hide a grin, looking at him in as stern a manner as she could to pay him back for his stuffiness.
"May I enquire as to the reason for your absence?"
"St Mungo's has requested a new batch of healing potions. It seems to be quite urgent. However, if it's an inconvenience…"
"Of course you can have the morning off. Tsk. Imagine, trying to emotionally blackmail me. I taught you how to, boy." Severus let the 'boy' comment slide, thinking that it was the least he could do after calling her Minnie against her will for so many years.
"Thank you, headmistress. I'll inform you if there are any problems with my arrival this afternoon." He hesitated for a split second, but Minerva detected it in the way only mothers, or those who were meant to be mothers, seem to be able.
"Was there something else?" For a moment Severus looked uncertain.
"There's nobody else with you?"
"Nobody." Severus sighed.
"Have you heard from Harry lately?" Minerva's eyebrows knit together, forming a groove across her forehead.
"No, dear. I haven't heard from him in years." A hand appeared amongst the flames and wiped at Severus' brow. "Why do you ask?"
"He...last Christmas, he turned up on my doorstep asking for somewhere to stay. I didn't know until then, but he's been living on the streets since about a year after-" Severus broke off suddenly, clearing his throat with a cough. Minerva didn't ask him to finish the sentence, knowing how humiliated and hurt he felt when talking about Harry leaving him. "I swear I didn't know he was in such trouble."
"I believe you dear. He stayed with you?"
"Yes, for just over a week. We had words and he left in a huff, like the petulant child he is. I haven't seen him since. I just hoped he might have tried to contact you."
"I'm sorry, he hasn't." Severus offered a strained smile.
"That's okay, it's hardly your fault. But, if you do hear anything…"
"You'll be the first to know."
"Thank you." He started to disappear.
"Severus?" His face came back into focus, flickering slightly. "He'll be okay. I think he's tougher than you give him credit for." Severus smiled gratefully, nodding once, before leaving.
Bdbdbd
"Professor?" Severus continued brewing the potion, not daring to take his eyes off it.
"Miss Chang." Cho tugged nervously at the sleeves of her robes, which were the same shade of blue as all the trainee medi-witches and -wizards.
"I think there's something you should know." Severus added the last ingredient to the cauldron, stirred twice anticlockwise, and looked over his shoulder, one eyebrow raised.
"Yes?"
Bdbdbd
"What's wrong with him?" Severus stared through the broad window into the overcrowded hospital ward. It took all of his self-control not to reach out a hand to touch the glass. Harry lay on the bed furthest away, his skin chillingly pale and a drip hanging from his arm. There was an oxygen mask secured over his nose and mouth.
"Hypothermia. He's lucky we found him when we did." Severus swallowed to shift an uncomfortable lump in his throat.
"Is he…will he be okay?"
"I'm sorry, it's difficult to say. He's very weak at the moment, and he's had some difficulty breathing. He can't see very well, either, or talk coherently. He just doesn't seem to want to get better." Severus pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to drum out the pain in his head so he could think more clearly. Finally he opened his eyes and looked at Cho, who seemed about to cry.
"I want to take him home with me." Cho looked slightly startled, and a little panicked, obviously remembering how stubborn he could be.
"I don't think that's advisable, Professor."
"You think I can't care for him properly?"
"I didn't say that! I just don't think it would do any good to cause him any more upheaval."
"He can heal much better in a quiet, familiar atmosphere than he can here."
"I don't think you understand how difficult it will be to look after him. He's very confused at the moment, and disorientated, and irritable. I think-"
"Well stop thinking and do as I say." Severus snapped, gaining glares from nearby patients and staff, which he returned with just as much vehemence. "Get me his things. He's coming home."
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"Harry, please drink it."
"No! It hurts!" He kicked out, like a child having a tantrum, although it was so weak it barely made a dip in the bedcovers. He whimpered at the effort and buried his face in the pillow.
"I know it does, sweetheart, but it'll make you better, I promise." Harry went quiet, and for a terrifying moment Severus couldn't see the slight movements of his chest as he struggled to breathe. "Harry?"
"Wha'?" He sighed in relief, regardless of how irritated Harry sounded.
"You scared me there." Harry looked at him, his eyes wide and glistening, and Severus held the potion out again. Harry nodded minutely and Severus helped him to drink it. He winced as the burning sensation crawled down his throat and into his stomach. After a moment, tears of frustration rolled down his cheeks.
"'S not working." Severus wiped the tears gently away with the pad of his thumb, careful not to let his arm rest too heavily on Harry's chest.
"You have to give it a while to work, sweetheart." Harry shivered and tried to squirm further into the warmth of Severus' bed. "Are you still cold?" He nodded.
"Come here." He started to take Harry's t-shirt off, earning a groan of disapproval.
"Wha' you doing? 'S too cold!"
"Trust me, Harry. I know what I'm doing." He removed his own shirt as he stood from his sitting position on the floor and made his way to the other side of the bed. Sliding in next to Harry, he wrapped his arms around his shoulders and Harry, responding to the immediacy of Severus' body heat, clung to his waist. "Better?"
"Mm." Severus stroked Harry's hair soothingly.
"Try to get some rest."
"'Kay." Severus was grateful that, this time, Harry hadn't asked for his mother. "Sev? Do you love me?"
Severus wondered how much of this Harry would remember once he'd recovered. He was struck by how this would seem under any other circumstances. In the morning Harry would wake half naked in Severus' bed, which would look bad enough without him remembering their close proximity, or the fact that he'd reverted to calling his 'sweetheart'. Would telling him he loved him, even though it would just be to prevent further confusion, even if it was just to lull him to sleep, be pushing his luck a little too far?
"Sev?" He glanced down and Harry stared at him with fear and insecurity.
"Of course I do, sweetheart."
Bdbdbd
Harry had filled the bath almost to the brim and bubbles threatened to spill out onto the tiled floor. He had his eyes closed, and so didn't notice as Severus slipped in and sat down on the closed lid of the toilet, watching with a mixture of amusement and reluctant adoration.
Harry opened his eyes and jumped slightly as he saw Severus, who raised an eyebrow and continued to smile subtly.
"How long have you been here?"
"A while." He slid onto the floor, resting one arm on the side of the bath and running the fingers of the other over the surface of the water, dumping bubbles on the end of Harry's nose. Harry giggled and wiped them away before laying his head down on Severus' arm. "You're getting my shirt wet."
"Mm hm." Harry agreed. "Are you getting in or not?"
"I don't think there's enough room." Harry sat up, his hair flicking water onto Severus' arm, and fumbled amongst the bubbles. His hand emerged holding a yellow rubber duck, which he regarded solemnly for a moment before tossing it deftly into the sink.
"How about now?" Severus laughed, and suddenly wanted to tell Harry that he loved him, needed to tell him, but somehow the three small words were so difficult to say.
"Harry, I…you know that I…? I realise I don't say it very often, but I do…" Harry touched Severus' cheek gently and lowered his voice to a whisper.
"It's okay, I know." Severus smiled softly, and started to unbutton his shirt.
Bdbdbd
Severus heard uneven footsteps on the stairs and poked his head out of the kitchen door. Harry was standing in the living room, looking dazed and a little worried.
"What am I doing here?" Severus swallowed nervously, trying not to stare at Harry's bare torso.
"You have hypothermia."
"I know. They told me at St Mungo's. Why did you bring me here?" Severus remembered when he and Harry used to argue, and Harry would shout and scream and cry, and he didn't care for the controlled, frosty tone he had since adopted. Severus looked at the floor, running a tea towel through his fingers.
"They couldn't look after you properly." He started to dry the dishes again.
"And you could?" A pause.
"Yes." Harry's eyes narrowed in suspicion.
"What did you give me?"
"Just a potion."
"Why couldn't the trained medical staff give me it?"
"It's illegal. Don't worry, it won't harm you. It just contains ingredients from some protected species'." Harry gave a hollow laugh.
"A leopard never changes its spots, eh?" Severus felt the colour rise in his cheeks.
"Well if you'd rather I'd left you to die I have the antidote somewhere." Harry's lips thinned.
"I'm leaving." He turned and stepped onto the first stair. Severus snorted.
"Don't be stupid. You won't last five minutes in your state."
"I'm fine. And I don't need your charity."
"Yes you do. You're still sick."
"No I'm not."
"Yes, you are."
"No. I'm. Not." Severus leaned against the doorframe, folding his arms.
"Okay, I'll tell you what. If you can make it to the top of those stairs and still breathe normally, then you can go. Otherwise you are going to stay until you're healthy again." Harry flushed in indignation.
"So you're going to keep me prisoner then?" Severus smirked.
"If you want to look at it that way." Harry grimaced and looked to the top of the stairs.
"I can make it up there. You just watch me." Severus grinned smugly as he settled down on the settee, folding his legs.
"Oh, I will."
Bdbdbd
Harry ate his dinner in silence, not so much humbled by his attempt to climb the stairs as resentful of the fact that he couldn't.
In response to this, Severus marked essays.
Harry finished and Severus glanced up as he stood to take his plate into the kitchen.
"Potter?"
"What?" Severus struggled not to lose his temper as it became obvious that Harry was still sulking.
"I'm sorry for some of the things I said last year. I was out of order. I don't expect you to forgive me-"
"Good, because I won't."
"-but surely you're mature enough to admit that maybe I wasn't completely to blame, and to try to be civil to me?" Harry studied his face for a moment, taking in the faint lines around his eyes and on his brow, the first few subtle strands of silver in his hair, his pursed lips. His gaze fell on Severus' obsidian eyes, inscrutable, as always, within their frame of inky eyelashes, but flickering, just for a second, with something almost human. He turned away and took his plate to the kitchen.
Bdbdbd
Severus returned from work to find Harry asleep on the settee, curled in the blanket from the spare room, which he had refused to stay in, insisting that he wanted to sleep in the living room. The light from the television flickered across his face and reflected off his glasses. Severus switched it off, turning to look at Harry. Despite the drastic change in their relationship, and in the feelings the two had for one another, Severus couldn't deny that Harry was still attractive. One of the things Severus had most hated about being with Harry was that, looks-wise at least, Harry was far out of his league, and was never without younger and much more charming admirers.
Hesitating momentarily, Severus stooped forwards and kissed Harry gently on the lips, almost timidly in his fear of waking him. He jerked back, brushing his palm over his forehead in irritation and exasperation. He laughed bitterly and shook his head, condemning himself as an old, lonely fool, before making his way upstairs.
Bdbdbd
Harry opened his eyes and watched Severus disappear up the stairwell. He traced the tip of his tongue over his lips, as though expecting to taste Severus there. Nobody had ever confused him as much as that man had. With that one small kiss, he'd taken Harry's feelings from the past four years and carelessly thrown them together with the ones from before that, forcing an uncomfortable and tangled mess into the pit of his stomach, like vivid paints flung together to create some murky, ambiguous hue.
Harry wanted to be angry at Severus still, but was at the same time relieved that he wasn't; he felt tears tumbling down his cheeks, even as his mouth turned upwards in a smile; he wished that the bastard had never kissed him, and yet longed for him to do it again.
Harry sighed in frustration and rolled over onto his side, burying his face in a cushion.
Bdbdbd
Harry sat tentatively on the edge of the settee, jumping up when he heard a creak on the stairs.
"Severus!"
"Harry." Severus stumbled past him and into the kitchen, grabbing his cigarettes from the bench before shoving them in his pocket and rushing back across the room to get his cloak.
"Severus I need to talk to you."
"Have you seen my wand?"
"It's on the coffee table." He snatched it and sat down on the bottom stair to fasten his laces. "Please Severus, I really think we should talk."
"Now?" He reached the door in two strides, stopping to pickup his keys.
"Why not?" Harry checked the clock and saw that Severus would be fifteen minutes early if he left the house now.
"I'm going to be late for work!" He opened the door and started slightly as he saw a man with blonde hair and a rucksack over one shoulder standing with his hand raised to the doorbell. Severus took in his grimy appearance with a grimace of disdain. "Can I help you?"
"I'm looking for Harry." There was something about the certainty of that statement and the self-assured tone of his voice, as well as his cocky smile and the way he leant casually against the wall, which made Severus instantly dislike him.
"And you are..?"
"Jack!" Harry squealed, knocking Severus to one side as he bounced past and threw his arms around the other man's neck. Severus coughed. "Oh, sorry." Harry moved aside, linking his arm with the man's. "Severus, this is Jack. He's my-"
"I think I can guess. Are you coming in or are we going to freeze out here all day?" Severus turned on his heel and strode into the house. Harry looked at Jack apologetically.
"I thought you had work?" Harry closed the door behind them, and Jack dropped his rucksack onto the floor.
"I'll call in sick. I'll hardly be expected to teach this close to the holidays." He stopped behind the settee and faced Harry and Jack, his arms folded. Harry shifted uncomfortably, but Jack seemed unaware of the disapproval emanating from Severus.
"What are you doing here?"
"You're going to love me. I've only gone and found us a place to stay!" Harry's eyes lit up and he clasped his hands together in front of his throat, just under his chin.
"Really?" Jack raised his eyebrows and grinned smugly. "How?"
"Didn't I tell you I'd look after you?" Harry jumped up on his toes and hugged him again, tilting his head up to kiss him. After a moment he tried to pull away, but Jack held him there with a hand on the back of his neck. Severus felt his nostrils flare as he saw his other hand slide into Harry's back pocket.
"I'll make myself scarce, shall I?" Severus glowered at them both as he disappeared into the kitchen, which Harry noticed and blushed, before lowering his voice.
"I'm sorry about Severus. He can be a little… hostile." Jack smirked.
"It's alright, he doesn't scare me. In fact, why don't you go get your stuff together and I'll have a chat with him, see if I can't make him like me a bit more?" Harry smiled gratefully, although he was almost certain that no amount of Jack's charm would work on Severus, and rushed up the stairs, taking them two at a time.
Bdbdbd
"Hey." Severus looked Jack up and down and sneered. The kettle clicked and he poured the water into the one cup he'd taken from the cupboard. "You don't like me very much, do you?"
"I believe that's what is known as an understatement." He knocked Jack's arm with a drawer as he reached for a teaspoon. Jack sat on the bench.
"Why not? Because I'm shagging the boy you want?" Severus eye twitched and he stopped making tea to look at him.
"He's not a boy, he's a man, and he deserves more respect than you give him."
"He deserves someone who can give him what he wants, not some cradle-robbing snob grabbing him before he was old enough to know what he wanted."
"You know nothing about our relationship, and I'd thank you to mind your own business. I do not like you because he can do so much better with his life, and you will do nothing but drag him down."
"I'll do whatever I like with him. He's mine, not yours, and you can't do anything about that, so I suggest you leave him the fuck alone and let him make his own decisions. Okay?"
"Get out of my house. How dare you come in here and talk to me like that? Get out." Jack jumped down from the bench, kicking the cupboard door.
"Fine." He smirked. "Tell Harry I'll wait outside for him."
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Harry was in the spare room packing his rucksack when Severus entered the room. He smiled anxiously, hoping that Severus wasn't going to make this difficult.
"Where's Jack?"
"He needed some fresh air." Harry cringed.
"What did you do to him?"
"Nothing." It worried Harry that Severus sounded so cold, and he started to fold his clothes again, embarrassed. "Sev, please don't be angry with me."
"I'm not. What reason do I have to be angry with you?" Regardless of the statement, he sounded bitter and irritated. Harry shrugged.
"I don't know. Maybe for not telling you about him. Maybe because I'm leaving you just before Christmas again." Severus laughed dryly.
"I think I can just about cope with Christmas alone. You're not my life-line." Harry blushed.
"You know, it's okay to admit that you want me around, even if it's just over the holidays." Severus glanced at the floor, moving towards the bed and putting a t-shirt Harry had folded into his bag.
"It hardly matters. You're leaving with that man regardless of my opinion on the matter." Harry hesitated, strangely nervous.
"I would stay, if you asked me."
"Don't stay because you feel sorry for me."
"I wouldn't be!" Harry snapped, annoyed by Severus' defensiveness. They fell into awkward silence, slowly packing Harry's few possessions to draw out his departure as much as possible. "Do you want me to?" Severus thought for a moment. Something inside screamed out for him to say yes, to give them another chance. But a stronger voice, the one he had developed over a lifetime to save him from embarrassment and pain, told him that to do so would mean risking being hurt again. More than anything, he wanted to be selfless, and knew deep down that there was nothing he could offer Harry.
"No." Harry blushed again, humiliated and indignant and confused.
"Then for fuck's sake leave me alone!" Severus' head jerked up, startled by the spite in Harry's voice.
"You're the one who started all of this! I didn't ask to see you again. I could have lived quite happily had you not turned up on my doorstep!"
"I don't mean like that! I mean in here!" He tapped his head. "And in here!" He placed a hand on his chest. "I don't love you anymore! I don't need you anymore! And yet every time I think I'm doing okay you do something which makes me think I want you back, or that maybe you want me."
"I don't Harry. You know it wouldn't work." Harry flung the remainder of his clothes furiously into his bag and zipped it up.
"Then let me get on with my life!"
"I am!"
"Then why the hell don't you congratulate me on finding someone who will look after me, someone who cares about me?" He stormed towards the door.
"He's a jerk, Harry. You can do so much better than him." Harry spun round.
"Like you?" Severus averted his eyes, his fingers plucking at the hems of his clothes. "You see, that's the problem. Nobody else is good enough for me, and you don't want me. That leaves me with no one to love, and that suits you just fine!"
"That's not true! I do want you to be happy."
"No you don't, because that would mean admitting that you're no longer the love of my life. You have to grow up and let me move on. I can't stand missing you anymore! It's killing me!" He lowered his voice, brushing tears from his cheeks. "Let me go." He fled from the room, running down the stairs, out of the front door and throwing himself into Jack's arms, sobbing into his shoulder.
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Jack stuck his arm out and the night bus came clattering into sight, its three decks swaying precariously. He paid the driver and he and Harry took a seat near the back. Harry leaned into him and he put his arm around Harry's shoulders.
"You okay?"
"Yeah, I'll be fine." Jack kissed his forehead.
"I don't understand what you ever saw in him." Harry looked back at the house he'd lived in during the happiest Christmas of his life, back to the man who'd at first loved him unconditionally.
"He's not all bad."
Bdbdbd
After their guests had gone home, Harry and Severus locked the doors and turned the lights down, leaving on the lights on the tree. Harry poured out two glasses of wine and Severus made sandwiches with the leftover turkey. They put a film on and settled down on the settee with a blanket and a tin of chocolates. Harry rested his head on Severus' chest and Severus rubbed the small of his back soothingly, and it was uncomplicated and peaceful and right.
Harry closed his eyes and fell asleep to the rhythm of Severus' heartbeat, entwining their fingers at Severus' waist. Severus turned from the television and watched Harry until his own eyelids became heavy and slid slowly shut.