Christmas 2003: An Unresolved Conflict

Severus groaned and switched off the radio as another chirpy Christmas song assaulted his ears. He struggled to stay awake as he drove through the dark past clumps of trees and bushes, glimpsing the occasional crowd of houses though a gap in the foliage. He rounded a corner and caught sight of a shadowy figure at the side of the road. As he drove past, the headlights of the car flooded the figure, highlighting the shabby clothes, outstretched hand, broken glasses. Severus swore under his breath and pulled over.

Harry ran to the car, smiling charmingly as he stooped and threw open the door.

"Thank you. I…oh, it's you." His smile faltered and he blushed, coughing to cover his embarrassment and looking at his feet. "Sorry." He straightened and started to close the door.

"Get in." Severus spoke through clenched teeth and Harry opened his mouth to argue. "Now."

He tossed his rucksack onto the back seat and slid in, closing the door as softly as possible. Severus took the handbrake off, checked his mirrors and pulled out. He didn't look at Harry.

"What the hell do you think you're doing? Has nobody ever told you how dangerous hitchhiking is? You could have been picked up by anyone! Anything could have happened to you!"

"I didn't really have much of a choice." Severus breathed harshly through his nose. They travelled for a while in silence, Harry fidgeting uneasily and Severus quietly seething. "What are you doing here, anyway?"

"I'm on my way home from work."

Harry's eyebrows knit together.

"Work? We're nowhere near Hogwarts." There was a pause before Severus answered.

"I quit last year. St Mungo's offered me a permanent job brewing healing potions."

"All legal this time, I suppose?" Harry joked, trying desperately to lighten the sullen mood bearing down on him, making him claustrophobic in the small space of the car. Severus smirked, peering at Harry through the corner of his eye.

"Mostly."

Bdbdbd

Harry dropped his bag behind the settee, fidgeting nervously. He glanced into the kitchen and smiled to himself, noticing that everything was still in exactly the same place.

"You don't like change, do you?" He heard Severus hang his keys on the hook by the door before he walked into the room, taking his gloves off.

"Nor do you, apparently. You're making quite a habit of this."

Harry scratched the back of his neck, which Severus was revealed to see was no longer covered by unruly locks of hair.

"I'm sorry. If you want me to leave…"

Severus sighed.

"No, you might as well stay, now you're here. We'll find you somewhere to go in the morning."

Harry nodded, not exactly sure how Severus was going to manage that but not wanting to seem ungrateful either.

He started to pull his jumper over his head, more as a way of avoiding the uncomfortable silence than because the house was too warm. He was rearranging his glasses when he noticed that Severus' gaze was fixed on his arm. His face was slightly flushed with anger and guilt, and his eyes seemed to flicker, as though something moved behind them.

"Severus?" He looked down, and caught sight of the litter of purple bruises and shallow cuts on his arms. "Oh." He blushed and tried to hide the wounds.

"Jesus, Harry."

Harry laughed hollowly.

"Go on then, say it. Say you told me so."

"I never wanted this to happen, Harry. I'm so sorry."

Harry smiled gently.

"You tried to stop me from leaving. It's my own stupid fault."

"I should've tried harder. Come here; let me have a look."

Harry passed his arm hesitatingly, flinching when Severus touched a cut which hadn't quite healed over.

"Why the hell did you stay with him?"

Harry shrugged.

"He was a fantastic lay."

Severus laughed shortly at his bluntness, startled slightly, and continued examining his arm. Harry watched the concern written in the creases of his face, the tilt of his head, the blackness of his eyes, and swallowed. He opened his mouth and closed it again, never more sure of what he wanted to say, yet lacking the brash confidence he once had.

"But then again, so were you."

Severus looked up abruptly. His wide eyes darted over Harry's face, trying to find any hint of ridicule or malice. Harry moved forward tentatively, resting his fingertips on Severus cheek, and brushed his lips lightly across Severus'.

"I'm sorry. I-" Harry just had time to let out a shocked yelp before he felt his mouth crushed to Severus', stumbling backwards until his back knocked against the settee. He perched on the back of the seat, wrapping his legs around Severus' waist, and fumbled desperately at the buttons on his shirt.

Severus slid his hands under Harry's t-shirt and pressed their torsos closer together, partially to stop Harry from falling, partially because he'd forgotten how good it felt to have a man held so close to him, and for once in his life couldn't care less about the consequences of his actions.

Bdbdbd

Harry inched the door closed, wincing at the quiet click of the lock. The lights were out, and he took off his shoes before tip-toeing through the silent flat.

The window in the bedroom was open and the curtains fluttered in the mild breeze, throwing the occasional orange glow from the flickering streetlight across the bed and walls. Harry hesitated, toeing the line between the carpets of the two rooms, both a different yet equally disheartening shade of beige. Jack lay on the bed, his eyes half shut and a can held lazily in one hand.

Harry stepped lightly into the room, shutting the door behind him. Jack's eyes snapped open.

"Where the fuck have you been?"

"Just out with some friends. I mentioned it on Tuesday."

"I know, but I didn't say you could go, did I?"

Harry folded his arms, his anger at being spoken to as a child making his heart hammer sporadically in his chest.

"I don't need your permission!"

Jack was on his feet in an instant, the back of his hand cracking audibly against Harry's cheekbone. Harry yelled in surprise and pain as his head collided with the wall. He raised his hand to his cheek only to have it slapped away. Jack's crimson face was so close to his that he could see each individual dart of pink in his bloodshot eyes and hear his teeth grating together, like nails on a chalkboard.

"Yes you do. You don't go anywhere, you don't see anyone, you don't do anything unless I say so!"

"You don't own me! I'm an adult, and I can make my own decisions. I don't need you to tell me what I can and can't do."

Jack laughed emptily.

"You don't need me?"

"I didn't mean it like that, and you know I didn't."

"Then why don't you leave? Eh?" He threw his arms up emphatically and Harry flinched, stepping backwards. "Go on. Fuck off!"

Harry swallowed, his face paling and his hands starting to tremble, scared by the violence in Jack's voice. He lowered his own voice, making a belated attempt to calm him.

"Jack…"

"Get out if you don't need me, because I certainly don't need you!"

Harry shook his head. Jack laughed again, moving towards him.

"No. And do you know why you won't leave me?"

Harry cried out as Jack's clammy fingers seized his throat, crushing his windpipe and pinning him to the door. Jack slapped him again and moved the hand to cover his mouth, wary that the people in the flat below might hear his screams.

"You won't leave me because if you do, I'll fucking kill you." Jack dug his knee into Harry's thigh and Harry breathed in sharply through his nose. "Understand?"

Harry nodded, wanting desperately for Jack to get off him. Jack waited for a moment, scrutinizing Harry's face, before stepping back, seemingly satisfied. He wiped Harry's tears from the back of his hand and collapsed back into bed.

Bdbdbd

Severus gasped as he felt Harry's hand on his chest and kissed him more fiercely, tightening his grip on him as he felt him slip slightly.

Harry jumped when the doorbell rang, startled back into reality. He and Severus laughed breathlessly, thinking of how typical and untimely the interruption was. Severus rested his forehead against Harry's and closed his eyes, his heart rate slowly returning to normal. He sighed as the doorbell rang again and straightened his back, buttoning his shirt again.

"I'd better get that." He strode into the small cloakroom between the living room and the door, and Harry shuffled into a more comfortable position on the back of the settee, swinging his feet.

"Evening, Miss Granger."

Harry's eyes widened in unaccountable panic and he jumped down from the settee, moving closer to the door.

"Evening Professor. You left some of your files at work. I said I'd pop in and give them to you on my way home."

"That's very kind of you." There was a short, awkward silence and Harry held his breath, waiting for one of them to bid the other a good night and Hermione to leave.

"Well, good night then, Professor."

Harry heard her footsteps retreating and sighed in relief.

"Miss Granger? Would you care to come in?"

Harry's eyes widened, wondering what Severus thought he was doing. The door closed and Severus walked back into the room, followed by a confused looking Hermione.

"Harry!" She stared at him for a moment, the shock of seeing him after more than six years apart striking her momentarily speechless, before breaking into a wide grin and throwing her arms around his neck. "Where've you been?"

Harry returned the hug before Hermione pulled back, observing him at arm's length. Her face fell noticeably as she took in his bruised arms, the dark circles under his eyes, how thin he'd gotten.

"What have you been getting yourself into?"

Harry tried to smile, looking down guiltily.

"We have a lot of catching up to do."

Bdbdbd

Severus stayed out of their way, busying himself in the kitchen as they talked. He was more comfortable here, surrounded by ingredients and recipes and measurements. Everything here was systematic and precise. There was a correct procedure, a definite action, a predictable outcome.

He did not need to be sensitive. He did not need to think about anyone else. He did not need to choose which emotions to hide and which to express.

The kitchen was where Severus felt most at home. He was an excellent cook, an excellent potion brewer, and it fitted his personality perfectly. It was where relationships were concerned – putting others before himself, making people like him, being in love, being out of love – that his talents fell short.

Bdbdbd

When Severus invited himself back into the living room Harry and Hermione were hugging again, both sobbing and trying to talk at the same time. Hermione stepped back, brushing tears from her face, and they both laughed at themselves.

"I'd better be off. You're welcome to stay with me, if you'd like?"

Severus looked away, not wanting to influence Harry's decision.

"Thanks, but I think I'll stay here tonight."

Hermione smiled knowingly.

"Okay, just remember, you're always welcome." She paused. "I will see you again, right? You're not going to do another disappearing act?"

"I was hoping to stick around this time." He glanced uncertainly at Severus, who smiled and nodded minutely.

"I'll leave you my address." She took a card from the top pocket of her jacket and scribbled the address, holding Harry's hand as she passed it to him. "I missed you."

"I missed you too." Harry kissed her on the cheek and she embraced him a last time before leaving, insisting that she could see herself out.

Severus wrapped his arms around Harry's waist from behind and dropped his chin onto Harry's shoulder, kissing his neck absently.

"Planning on staying this time, then?"

Harry turned around.

"We should talk. There are still things we need to sort out."

Severus sighed, not wanting to risk arguing with Harry when he'd just gotten him back.

"Of course, but not tonight, okay?" He kissed his lips gently, holding him more lightly than before. Harry returned the kiss almost timidly.

"Okay, not tonight." As Severus trailed kisses down his neck, Harry struggled to understand how he had ever lived without him. "I love you."

Severus jumped back as though burned, putting a hand against the wall to steady himself as he stumbled slightly.

"You shouldn't say that unless you mean it."

A crease appeared on Harry's brow.

"I do mean it!"

"No you don't! How could you? We've seen each other two times in just as many years, and it's ended badly both times. You haven't had enough time to love me again!"

Harry felt giddy, confused as to how the situation had changed so drastically in a matter of seconds, and terrified that this could be his last chance.

"I don't need time to love you again. I never stopped loving you."

"Why did you leave me, then?" The room went silent, the question which had forced a barrier into their relationship finally out in the open, festering in the air between them. Harry swallowed, lowering his voice to a whisper.

"Why didn't you come after me?"

Bdbdbd

Severus called Harry's name as he hung his cloak by the door and dropped his bag. He wandered into the living room and, noticing Harry's absence, leaned on the banister and called up the stairs.

"Harry? Are you alright?" He walked to the kitchen and picked his post up off the bench, leafing through it as he made his way back to the living room. "I thought we could go out tonight. What do you think?"

Harry didn't answer, and Severus was about to go upstairs when he noticed Harry's untidy scrawl on a piece of parchment on the coffee table. He picked the note up, expecting Harry to have gone shopping or to visit a friend.

I'm so sorry.

Severus' heart thudded erratically. He turned on his heel and ran up the stairs into his bedroom.

He could see nothing of Harry's left. He flung open the wardrobe door to a neat line of his own black robes. He pulled the drawers out and scoured hastily through the clothes, searching frantically for anything belonging to Harry. He glanced at the bedside table and realised with a jolt that the photo of Lily and James Potter was gone.

Severus sunk to the floor, his back resting against the bed, and held his head in his hands. Not for the first time in their relationship, he was at a loss as to what to do. He swiped harshly at his cheeks a few times before giving in and letting his tears fall freely.

After a while, his sobs quietened. He reached into his pocket and brought out a small black box, turning it over in his fingers a few times before throwing it at the wall with an anguished yell. It fell to the floor with a dull thump and sprung open, mocking Severus as the silver ring sparkled at him from across the room.

Bdbdbd

Harry sprawled on Hermione's bed, eating chocolate ice-cream from the tub. Hermione sat with her back against the headboard and her knees pulled into her chest. Her three year old daughter had finally fallen asleep and her pink nightlight shone across the hallway, creating a path between the two open doors.

"I don't understand what I've done wrong." He laughed bitterly. "Not this time, anyway."

"Maybe you tried to take things back to how they were before too quickly."

"Maybe. I just…I want to make everything better."

Hermione rubbed his back soothingly.

"I know you do, but it's not going to be as easy as it was last time. You've hurt him, and it'll probably take a while before he trusts you again."

"I know I did, and I've never regretted anything more, but I was eighteen! We all make mistakes when we're that young."

"Of course we do. That's fine, as long as we're willing to deal with the consequences."

Harry turned over onto his stomach, his eyes shining as he looked at Hermione.

"I'm trying to, believe me I am, but what if he won't let me? I just want another chance to make him happy. Let's face it; I was lousy at it last time."

Hermione laughed sympathetically.

"Don't worry, he'll come round."

Harry smiled, placing a hand on Hermione's knee, which she covered with one of her own.

"Anyway, enough about me. What's going on with you?"

Hermione shrugged.

"Not much. I'm a medi-witch at St Mungo's, and when I'm not there I'm looking after Molly. It doesn't leave much time for a social life, I'm afraid."

"No special someone, then?" Harry grinned playfully.

"No. There were a few guys, but none lasted longer than a month."

Harry rolled over and sat up, shuffling backwards and wrapping an arm around Hermione. She rested her head on his shoulder and sighed to herself.

"Still hurt, babydoll?" Hermione closed her eyes as a fat tear rolled down her face and onto the duvet. She lowered her voice to a whisper, scared it would break into violent sobs.

"Every day."

Bdbdbd

Severus opened the door to a stern-faced Hermione. Her arms were crossed across her chest and her eyes set in the look of steely determination he'd seen as she marched briskly through the hospital, and he suddenly realised what a young McGonagall must have looked like.

"Miss Granger, if you have come to argue Harry's case-"

"He doesn't even know I'm here. May I come in?" She strode past him before he could answer either way and planted herself firmly in the living room.

"I'm assuming you are here about Harry though, whether or not he is aware of the fact?"

Hermione nodded.

"Why are you doing this?"

"Doing what, exactly?"

"Being so difficult!"

"I'm not being difficult, I'm being sensible. An expert though I'm sure you are on the dynamics of mine and Harry's relationship, I'm afraid you are mistaken if you think it could possibly work."

"The only thing stopping it from working is your stubbornness."

Severus replied with a glare, a warning not to get messed up in his private life, which Hermione decided to ignore.

"Do you know how lucky you are?! You have found someone who would go to the ends of the world for you. I would give absolutely anything to have that back!" Severus flinched, surprised by the sudden outburst. "You have no idea how painful it is to lose someone you love. No matter what people say, it doesn't stop hurting. And it makes me so angry to see you throwing it away. Harry would do anything to make you happy, but you're just too selfish to let him! You push him away because you don't feel that you deserve him. Am I right? Whatever you did in the past that was so terrible, you need to forgive yourself and move on. If you can't do that, for his sake as much as your own, then you're right. You don't deserve him." Hermione knocked Severus as she flounced past him, slamming the door on her way out.

Bdbdbd

"What are you doing?" Hermione rubbed her eyes and blinked against the sun streaming through the windows. Ron looked up guiltily from across the room.

"I thought it was about time I started to pack. I'm leaving day after tomorrow."

Hermione sat up, using the movement to hide how close she was to crying.

"Please don't go. Stay here with me."

Ron made his way over to her and sat on the side of the bed, putting his arms around her.

"You know I have to. Harry needs me."

"Then let me face Voldemort with you!"

"We both know you can't. You need to look after our little girl." He placed his hand gently on her distended stomach. Hermione turned to him with barely disguised terror.

"You'll be back before she's born, right? You better be back before she's born!"

Ron laughed quietly.

"Of course I will. In a couple of weeks we can put all this behind us, start a normal life."

Hermione tightened her grip on him, laying her head on his chest, and he kissed the top of her head, fighting desperately against the tears threatening to tumble down his cheeks.

Bdbdbd

Severus stood with his hand held aloft before the door, shivering despite the heavy cloak wrapped around his shoulders. He kicked the doorstep lightly to knock the snow from his sensible black shoes.

He caught sight of a curtain twitching a few houses away and noticed a middle aged woman sneaking glances at him from the safety of her home. It was this invasion of privacy which finally made him swallow his pride and knock, coughing quietly to clear his throat and straightening up, drawing himself to his full height.

A few minutes later he heard muffled thuds on the stairs and felt the bottom drop out of his stomach, leaving him with an uncomfortable tangle of panic and determination and dread. As the door was flung open he realised that he had no idea what to do, or what to say, and felt more lost than he had in the entirety of his adult life.

Harry's face flooded with relief as he opened the door and saw Severus standing there, as undecipherable as ever. He moved to the side, his lips twitching in a nervous smile.

"Come in."

Bdbdbd

"Have a seat."

Severus perched uneasily on the edge of the settee and Harry sat in the armchair opposite.

"Would you like some tea?"

"No, Harry. I want to sort things out between us."

Harry bit his lower lip uncertainly, daring to hope.

"You want me back?"

Severus ran his hand through his hair, struggling to speak candidly after a lifetime of hiding his feelings and making a career of deception.

"I don't know. I don't know if I can trust you again."

Harry knelt on the floor beside him and gripped his hand, forcing Severus to look at him.

"You can! I never wanted to hurt you, I swear."

"You did anyway." Severus shook Harry's hand off his and stood up, facing the wall. Harry sat on the settee. "I need to know why, Harry."

"Does it matter?" Harry sighed in exasperation, raising his voice slightly. Severus turned to face him.

"It does to me! If we can't work that out then what kind of relationship are we going to have in the future?"

Harry rested his head on the palm of his hand.

"Oh God, Sev, I was so messed up. I'd spent my life training to fight and convinced that I was destined to die, and once it was over I didn't know what to do. I didn't have a purpose any more. I no longer had an outlet for my emotions and I just felt like they were building up inside me, they were poisoning me."

"You could have talked to me." Harry stood sharply, throwing his arms up in exasperation.

"No I couldn't! You were never there! I needed you and you weren't there for me. I had to watch my best friend die beside me and you never hugged me, or kissed me, or told me that I'd be alright! You just avoided me!"

"That's because I didn't know you felt like that! I didn't want to smother you; I thought that you needed some space. If you'd have told me you needed me I wouldn't have left your side!"

"I shouldn't have to tell you!" Tears were streaming down Harry's face, leaving red blotches on his cheeks.

"I'm sick of trying to be a fucking mind reader! I don't always know what you need. You have to tell me! You have to tell me if you want me to leave you alone, or if you need me beside you. You have to tell me what you want from me Harry!" He paused, his breath coming in short bursts. "What do you want?"

Harry threw his arms around Severus, burying his face in his shoulder.

"You Severus. Just you." Harry's tears soaked through Severus' shirt as he clung violently to him, not daring to look at his face.

Severus stiffened for a moment before returning the embrace, rocking slowly back and forth and stroking Harry's back as he held his slight body to his own.

"Shh. It's okay. It's okay sweetheart. I'm not going anywhere."