This is probably going to offend so many people, if won't even be funny, but I just can't help myself.
This song originally has a lot of bad words in it, so I'm going to edit it, but I'll underline what I change, so you all can use you're imagination to think of what it originally said.
Have you ever had
One of those days
When nothing goes right?
Vernon Dursley had had enough. Today was one of the worst days in his life, exempting all that nonsense with his good-for-nothing nephew and his…people. Let me break it down for ya'll.
You're wife starts whining about whatever it was
She was whining about last night.
Petunia had continued their argument from last night. She just couldn't get over that the woman that lived in number 2 Privet Drive had a more extravagant mailbox then theirs.
Vernon was disgusted by the large, purple rabbit mailbox, but Petunia had become jealous and was now demanding that they get a large, pink badger mailbox. Vernon couldn't take it anymore, so he went to only place where he could escape.
So you escape into the bathroom
Just to sit there on your throne,
The bathroom wasn't really a sanctuary, what with all the frilly stuff and all, but it was privacy. Vernon was about to leave, when he felt a familiar rumbly-in-his-tummy, and he ran back to his 'throne.'
But after you finish your business
The toilet paper's gone.
After he finished his business, he turned to the toilet paper roll to seal the deal, when he realized, there was none left! He did what you would have expected. He tried to reach the cabinet that had the extra without getting up, but after many attempts, just sat there and cried. He could tell this was going to be a bad day.
Well it's a great day
For me to whoop somebody's butt
It's a bad day
So you better get off my back
You might get knocked-out
If you cross my path
Cause it's a great day
For me to whoop somebody's butt
Petunia was in the kitchen, waiting to complain to Vernon again, when she heard her husband crying upstairs. She went up the stairs and knocked on the bathroom door.
Vernon answered in sobs. "I can't reach the drawer with the toilet paper in it! Help me! I want my mommy!"
Petunia answer in a stiff voice. "Well, do you want me to go in there?"
"NO!" screamed Vernon.
"Well, if I help you, will you get the ridiculously large, pink badger mailbox that I want?" she asked.
"YES! Just do it!"
Petunia knew exactly what to do. She sprinted down the stairs, out the front door, and right up to Mr. Number 2 Privet Drive, who was at their mailbox. She grabbed the flag thing on the mailbox, snapped it off, and started running back to her house.
"What the…!" yelled Mr. Number 2 (lol).
"Sue me, I don't care!" yelled Petunia. She went up to the bathroom door, slide the flag under the door, and about 5 minutes later, watched her husband walk out of the bathroom with an ashamed look on his face.
Well I was running late for work
So I poured me some coffee to go
Vernon checked his watch, saw the time and yelped.
"Great gad-zooks! I'm going to be late!" He exclaimed.
And just before I had a flat tire
I spilled it all over my clothes
As he was driving to work, he had to follow a crazy hippie. He blared his horn at the flower child, but it didn't work. He was about to lay-out the good-for-nothing, free-spirited Bohemian with his car, but he suddenly hit a bump, spilling coffee all over himself.
"Yikes! That's tingly and it hurts!"
He started swerving around, but just before that, the beatnik finished his…pop…and through it out the window, but it wasn't an aluminum bottle. Oh no. It was glass, which shattered when it hit the ground, leaving a minefield of broken glass, which Vernon hit.
Vernon eventually pulled over and got out of the car. He say the damage, and began to fix the flat tire, mumbling as he worked about that crazy hippie.
When the highway patrolman pulled up
I thought that help was on the way
As he began to work, he saw a cop pull up. Vernon started waving frantically, knowing that all his problems were solved now. The cop pulled over and stepped out of his car.
But when he saw the tire tool in my hand
He shot me with pepper spray
The expression on the cops face told me something was wrong. I looked at my hand, and realized that I was holding a crowbar in my hand, waving it around like a murderer.
"No, wait, I can explain," Vernon tried to say, but it was too late. Just as he was about to say something else, he was hit with a face and mouthful of pepper spray.
"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of law," the cop began.
Well it's a great day
For me to whoop somebody's butt
It's a bad day
So you better get off my back
You might get knocked-out
If you cross my path
Cause it's a great day
For me to whoop somebody's butt
The cop finally assessed the situation, and realized he made a mistake. He put the pepper spray and said, "Oh, woops. I didn't see your flat there. Let me fix that and you can go about your business."
Vernon heard none of this, because he was still writhing on the ground, trying to get the pepper spray out off of his face and out of his mouth. The cop changed the tire quickly and left without another look at Vernon, but it still took a while for Vernon to get back to normal. By then, the cop was gone. He started tearing up but remembered, he had to get to work!
When I finally made it to work
I was 15 minutes late
He ran through the doors, but found his boss standing next to his office with a very angry look on his face. Vernon could tell that he was in for it.
"I'm sorry about being late by 15 minutes, Mr. Boss, sir. I'll get to work right now, then." Vernon moved toward his desk, but his boss held his hand out.
"It's too late for that, Mr. Dursley. That is the last straw."
I told my boss about the flat tire
But he fired me anyway.
"But sir," Vernon said quickly, "Let me explain, please. You see, I had to rush to work today because we ran out of toilet paper. It took a while for me to open the toilet paper cabinet with my neighbor's mailbox flag, but by then I realized I was going to be late. I had to take me coffee with me in the car, but I spilled it on myself because a hippie was driving like an idiot in front of me.. Then I got a flat tire, for that hippie because he through his empty beer bottle out the window and I ran it over. I tried to fix the tire, but when a cop pulled over to help me, I waved the crowbar I was holding to flag him down. He though this was threatening, so he shot me with pepper spray. It took me a while to recover, and then I had to rush here, and I found you here. So then I had to tell you this entire story, wasting even more possible work time for the both of us. So what do yah say?"
Mr. Boss just looked at Vernon with a look of utmost disgust. His face was slowly getting red and he began to look like an over-zealous Wisconsin Badger fan when he answered Vernon. "That is the most ridiculous story I have ever heard! You're fired! Now get out of here before I call security!
Vernon bowed his head in defeat and walked out of the building in shame, passing his ex-coworkers, who were jeering and throwing rotten food at him.
So here I am out in the parking lot
Just waiting by his Corvette,
As Vernon walked back to his car, something in him snapped. He couldn't take it anymore. He wheeled around and headed for Mr. Boss's car, a shiny blue Corvette, with neon lights around the bottoms, 22 inch rims, orange flames, and a rubber cactus on his antenna.
He got one look at the pimped out ride, before an extreme adrenaline rush took over his body. He flung himself at the car and began tearing it apart. When he was done, the car looked like something you would find in and American modern art museum in the metal works section. But he wasn't done yet. He still had to deal with Mr. Boss.
I'm gonna' give him a goodbye present
That he never will forget.
Mr. Boss came running out of the building with his little minions and stared in horror at what was left of his Corvette. He turned red again and screamed at Vernon, "That's it, you are going down! Attack!"
Vernon faced the on-coming wave of pencil-pushing warriors and roared in a very deep and imposing voice, "THIS. IS. SPARTA!!!!!"
Well it's a great day
For me to whoop somebody's butt
It's a bad day
So you better get off my back
You might get knocked-out
If you cross my path
Cause it's a great day
For me to whoop somebody's butt
Vernon then opened up a can of butt-kick'n and set those business employees from here to next Tuesday, literally. Once he kicked them, they disappeared into a black hole that opened up in the parking lot, sending the wimps into an inter-dimensional space-time continuum.
When he was done with the henchman, he turned his attention to Mr. Boss and gave him that look that made you think 'if looks could kill.' But it didn't kill him. It just gave him horrible ache, terrible bad luck for the rest of his life, and somehow completely drained every single one of his bank accounts.
For Vernon, well, lets just say that Petunia never got that mailbox and his neighbor never got the chance to sue Vernon.
Ta Da! I'm sorry about the long wait. School is horrible and I spend about 14 hours a day at school because of extracurricular stuff. You know that old chestnut.
I heard that song on the Bob & Tom Show, just if you wanted to know.
Murray