Hey everyone I am soo sorry it has taken me so long to update and finish this!! But here it is and I really hope that you like it!
I sat there in the hospital staring at the white walls in the waiting room. I had been checked out and after a lot of exams and tests they finally said I could go. I should be able to drive out of here myself, but my car is on the side of the road up side down. I am now sitting here waiting for the Cohen's to come and pick me up.
My head is in my hands and I'm massaging my temples. I have a horrible headache. I hear Sandy and Kirsten ask the receptionist which room I'm in so I stood up and they turned around and gasped when they saw me.
Kirsten had tears in her eyes and she came over and wrapped her arms around me and hugged me tightly. It should probably be hurting me a lot right now since I had just been in a bad car accident, but it didn't. Sandy came over and after she pulled away hugged me also. After he pulled away I looked behind them to see Julie and Kaitlin there with tear stained cheeks.
I looked back to Sandy and Kirsten and they had so much sympathy and sadness in their eyes I didn't know why I'm fine they don't need to worry. A man in a gray suit came up and asked who was the legal guardian of Marissa Cooper. As soon as he said her name my blood started to boil. What did he want with Marissa?
"I'm her mother." Julie said sadly.
"Will you come with me ma'am and identify the body?" He asked politely.
Identify the body. Those words rang in my ears. Julie nodded and sobbed as she and Kaitlin walked away with the man. I clenched my fists tightly. Sandy and Kirsten looked at me with concern. Everything that happened tonight flashed into my mind. All of the things we did the model home, talking to her about that night so many years ago, driving her to the airport, and then the accident.
Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you, for you
Anger immediately rose in my blood it was on fire. Kirsten put a gentle hand on my arm. A nice motherly gesture that I never received growing up, but had become used to after the Cohen's adopted me. I shook her off and stepped back from them. My eyes were guarded and they took a step toward me.
"Ryan please let us take you home." Kirsten said gently. She looked worried.
I looked at Sandy. "Come on Ryan lets go home." He said also very gently. He looked at Kirsten with a worried stare.
'She's dead, Marissa died tonight in my arms.' I thought. Suddenly I wasn't angry anymore. That feeling disappeared and was replaced with nothing. My eyes weren't red anymore with anger they were lifeless, black there was nothing there anymore.
Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you
"Come on kid lets get you home." Sandy said warmly as he put his hand on my shoulder and led me out of the hospital. We rode home in silence. Sandy and Kirsten kept looking back at me and then would look at each other worriedly. I was still I didn't even blink. I was staring straight ahead like I was back at the hospital. I didn't even notice when we were home.
"Ryan honey were home." Kirsten said as she put a hand on my knee and shook it lightly. I looked at her for a second with empty eyes and got out of the car silently.
We walked in and I still hadn't said anything to them. Sandy's phone rang and I could tell it was Julie and I could hear her crying saying that she and Kaitlin just identified Marissa's body.
We walked into the kitchen. "Hey Ryan can I get you something to eat or drink a bagel or maybe some coffee?" She asked me. I shook my head saying no and walked out of there into the pool house.
Kirsten sighed. "Oh Sandy this is horrible I can't believe that she's dead." She sobbed into her husband's arms.
"I know I'm going to miss her too." He said trying to be strong, but on the inside he was very broken up.
"I'm so worried about Ryan this is even worse than his mother abandoning him I think its even worse than when Trey left." She said wiping her tears.
"We just have to be there for him, but I'm worried too he is going to take this so hard and I'm afraid he is going to shut us all out and never talk about it you know he's going to blame himself." Sandy said worriedly. Kirsten nodded trying not to start sobbing again.
As years go by
I race the clock with you
I sat on my bed on the edge. I was smoking a cigarette. I hadn't smoked in a while and I missed it. I didn't move except to ash the cigarette. I wouldn't even be breathing if I wasn't smoking. 'Inhale, exhale, breathe, ash.' Its all I would let myself think of. I wouldn't even for one second let myself think about Marissa, not the fact that in the model home we said it wasn't over or the fact that I would be going to college without her. I couldn't think about that. I put out the cigarette out and stood up.
I walked over to the dresser and picked up some sweat pants and a wife beater. I took off my smoky and blood stained clothes and dropped them on the floor. I went into the bathroom and started the shower. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I had cuts on my face and some bruises on my body, but I was okay. I was alive. She wasn't, not anymore. 'She's dead.' I thought. All the color drained from my body. All feelings, all emotions, all memories I couldn't, I wouldn't it was too hard to go there. I showered hoping it would help. It didn't. I picked up the clothes I picked out and put them on.
In the corner of my eye I saw the picture of Marissa and me at the beach, and I walked over to it. I picked it up and studied it. She looked beautiful as usual. We were smiling, because we were happy we were together. I hated myself for thinking about her and about tonight. 'Volchock.' I thought with rage. I hated him he should be dead right now not Marissa not my Marissa.
But if you died right now
You know that I'd die to
I'd die too
'It should have been me.' I thought bitterly. 'She should be here alive and well she shouldn't be sitting in a morgue dead!' My hand tightened around the picture. 'It's your fault that she's dead. If it weren't for you she would be on a plane alive going to see her dad!' A voice in my head told me. I took the picture in my hand and threw it as hard as I could at the wall. It hit and shattered the frame. The picture slipped out and sat there on the floor.
I locked all of the doors in the pool house and sat on the bed with fists clenched so hard I thought my knuckles were going to break.
You remind me of the times
When I knew who I was (I was)
"I should have pulled over or stopped the car!" I grumbled angrily but quietly. I sat there the whole night staring off into nothing with clenched fists and kept telling myself it was my fault. I didn't move I didn't think I didn't feel.
There was no point in doing any of those things anymore. Marissa is dead and it's my fault. I don't deserve to live.
But still the second hand will catch us
Like it always does
The next morning I saw the shadow of an approaching person coming up to the door. I could tell it was Seth and he was holding two cups of coffee. He tried to open the door, but it was locked. He knocked.
"Ryan buddy it's me and I have coffee." He said, but he didn't sound sarcastic or happy like usual. He sounded monotone and unhappy.
I didn't answer I didn't want to see anyone and I sure as hell didn't want to talk to anyone about anything. He knocked again.
"Ryan please open the door." He begged but his voice was still lifeless. I didn't move. I heard him knock one more time and wait. He finally got the message and turned around and headed back inside.
We'll make the same mistakes
I'll take the fall for you
I hope you need this now
Cause I know I still do
I stayed there still for hours no one tried to come and talk to me. Eventually Sandy knocked on the doors. "Ryan are you in there?" He asked already knowing the answer to that. I sighed but didn't say anything. I put the cigarette inbetween my lips again as I had been all day and inhaled deeply.
"Ryan I'm sorry about everything but please don't shut me out talk to me." He said miserably. I didn't move. 'Exhale.'
"Listen I'm not going to force you to talk, but if you need to I'm always here you know that." He turned around and left.
'Talking won't help anything she's dead and talking isn't going to change that its your fault!' I thought as I inhaled again and exhaled.
Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you
Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you
I walked over to the picture lying on the floor. I ignored it and picked up a piece of glass that lay next to it. I looked into the mirror that was on the wall. My eyes were black, dead. 'Just like Marissa.' I thought miserably. I put the glass on my wrist.
"Who are you?"
"Whoever you want me to be."
'Inhale.' The glass penetrated through the skin on my wrist as I dragged it across. I kept looking at myself in the mirror. I looked horrible. There were bags under my eyes, a cigarette hanging out of my mouth and cuts and bruises all over my face and shoulders. My eyes never changed though. They stayed black and filled with the pain and emptiness that I should be feeling except the fact that I don't feel anymore.Should I bite my tongue?
Until blood soaks my shirt
We'll never fall apart
Tell me why this hurts so much
Blood poured out of my wrist as I hanged at my side. It trickled down to the floor forming a puddle on top of the picture and the glass around it. I dropped the glass and clenched my bloody fist. I couldn't stand to look at myself ever again. 'You killed her!' I thought as I punched as hard as I could right into my reflection. More glass shattered onto the floor.
My hands are at your throat
And I think I hate you
I stepped back and looked at what I did. 'Exhale.' I put the cigarette into the ashtray right next to a dozen other ones that I had smoked since last night. There was a mess of broken glass and blood on the floor. I looked at my wrist. It was still bleeding and I had punched the mirror with the same hand. It was covered with blood. I couldn't tell if there was more blood from cutting my wrist or from punching the mirror. I didn't care though I couldn't feel it.
But still we'll say, "remember when"
Just like we always do
Just like we always do
I washed my hands off and stopped all of the bleeding. The cold water didn't sting like it should or maybe it did and I couldn't feel it. My eyes still hadn't changed. They were blank nothing left. I heard another knock at the door. I sighed frustrated. Why didn't they just leave me alone?
"Ryan sweetie its time for dinner." Kirsten said gently.
I wasn't going to eat. I wasn't even hungry.
"Ryan please talk to me." She said so sweetly and yet so broken I almost opened the door.
"You don't have to talk Ryan but you need to eat something." She said still urging for me to come open the door.
"I'm not hungry." I said just loud enough for her to hear me.
"Ryan please open up." She begged like Seth had and Sandy. I didn't say anything else I just waited until she gave up and left. She finally did after a couple of minutes.
Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you
Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you
They all tried one more time that night to talk to me. I wouldn't let them. I stayed in the poolhouse day after day. I never ate, I didn't sleep, if I wasn't smoking than I didn't breathe. If I let myself think about her I picked up another piece of glass and attempted to somehow feel something. It never worked. It had been one week since that night. I didn't talk to anyone. Finally it was the day of her funeral. Summer came and knocked on the door.
"Atwood can I come in?" She asked with no emotion in her voice.
I didn't say anything. I heard her sigh.
"Look Ryan everyone is worried about you and we all miss seeing you so please come out." She asked warmly.
I stayed silent. "You're not the only one who misses her Atwood and you're not the only one who lost her I loved her just as much as you did!" She yelled angrily. That made me answer the door.
Yeah I'd spill my heart!!!
Yeah I'd spill my heart for you!!!
When I opened it she looked surprised. "At-." I cut her off.
"No its not past tense for me okay Summer I still love her and I know I'm not the only one who lost her, but I'm the only one who was there with her and watched her die knowing it was my fault!" I yelled at her fiercely. She didn't look scared, but she did look concerned.
"Ryan it wasn't your fault she loved you and she wouldn't want you blaming yourself." She said softly.
I scoffed at her and she looked at me and then I saw her eyes travel down my arms to my wrist and hands. She opened her mouth and covered it with her hand. I looked down too and put my arms behind my back so she couldn't see. She looked into the poolhouse and saw the glass on the floor and the picture.
"Oh my god Ryan you've been cutting yourself?" She asked sadly.
No I wasn't going to let her see I stepped back.
"Atwood let me see let me help." She said urgently.
"No Summer get out!" I said to her.
"No you need to let me help you so we can go to Coop's funeral." Her voice broke at the end of that and I looked at her. She was wearing a black dress and she looked miserable.
I shook my head I was not going to watch them burry the love of my life.
"Coop would want you there Atwood you need to go." She insisted.
"I'm not going Summer now get the hell out!" I said harshly but broken this is exactly why I didn't want to see anyone. It made me remember and I coulnd't do that. I really needed a cigarette. She nodded her head and walked out slowly whispering, "Its not past tense for me either she is my best friend and I miss her." I slammed the door shut after she left and locked it again. I ran my hands over my face and sighed.
I lit the cigarette and my hands started shaking. I tried to steady myself but I coulnd't. 'She's gone forever. They're burrying her today.' I ran my nervous fingers through my hair. This isn't real.
My hands are at your throat
And I think I hate you
We made the same mistakes
Mistakes like friends do
I picked up the glass just like I had so many times this past week. I couldn't stop thinking about her. I tried so hard but I love her too much and I isn't fucking fair that she was taken from me. 'Remember whose fault it is that's she's gone.' The same voice that had been in my head all week said to me. With shaky hands I put the glass to my wrist and pushed down and let it pierce through. I dragged it and the blood ran down my hand.
My hands are at your throat
And I think I hate you
We made the same mistakes
Made the same mistakes
Each time I did this another part of me disappeared. The night she died I died too. Just because I'm still physically alive doesn't mean that inside I'm there at all. She took me with her that night. I miss her she didn't deserve this. 'No stop thinking about her!' I told myself.
I had heard everyone leave for the funeral so I knew I was alone. I quickly cleaned up the glass and stopped the bleeding on my arm. Cutting didn't even help it still wouldn't bring her back. I looked at my scars there were a few there. My hands had always had scars from the hundreds of fights I had been in all my life. Growing up in Chino you better know how to fight.
Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you, for you
I walked outside for the first time in a week. I didn't even stop to pay attention to the beautiful weather or anything. It didn't matter nothing matters anymore. Nothing ever did except her.
I took the keys and got into the car and drove. I pulled up to a store. I walked in and got what I needed the guy didn't even question me the look I gave him told him I didn't want to talk that I just wanted to buy it and get out of there.
As I drove my mind shut off. It basically had been since she died. I stopped when she died.
"I really don't trust people, but I trust you."
"Maybe you just need something to take your mind off of it."
"I love you."
"Thank you."
"I don't know if we meant anything to you, but you meant a lot to me you still do."
My knuckles were tightening around the steering wheel as I tried to block out the memories, but I couldn't.
Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you, for you
I pulled into the beach and grabbed the bag and got out to start walking. I walked to the place that always made us feel safe. I always came here after we fought I knew she would be here. I walked up the ramp and sat down in her spot. I looked out into the ocean and watched as the waves crashed together on the shore. I wish the waves could take me to her.
I pulled out the cold metal gun. I loaded it with the bullets I bought and I just looked at it. It looked a lot like the gun that Marissa had shot Trey with last year. That seems like forever ago. My hands started trembling and shaking with fear. I missed her so much and I love her more than anything I don't know what to do anymore.
"It's hard to believe that after everything we've been through together there's nothing left to say."
"Well we were never that great with words anyway."
I sighed and closed my eyes. That was the biggest mistake I had ever made breaking up with her.
"That night did you ever think that we would end up together?"
"What are you saying it's over? I mean you never know right?"
My hand automatically clenched themselves into fists. My right hand held the gun tightly. The scars were all present from fighting, from cutting everything now it held a gun.
Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you
'They say that there is someone out there for everyone. Someone who completes you and is better for you than the rest. That was my problem there wasn't anybody better than Marissa, not for me anyway.' That was my last thought as I lifted the cold black gun in my shaking hand to my temple whispering, "I'm so sorry." And pulled the trigger.
Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
Until the day I die!!!
Okay so that is it!! I really hope that you loved it and I really hope that you review it would mean a lot it doesn't matter what you say!! Thanks so much and I'm sorry again it took so long to finally finish!
Xoxo Summer Davis