If I loved you less

by Icha

Conversing with his nephew, Chief Justice Lefroy reminiscing on his past with Jane Austen. Chapter 5: the last chapter where The Chief told his nephew the history of Cadell letter and the ‘boyish love’.

5. The Letter

If I Loved You Less…

A 'Becoming Jane' story, by Icha

Rating: K

Summary: Conversing with his nephew, Chief Justice Lefroy reminiscing on his past with Jane Austen. Special thanks to Rachel Kingston for her great beta, despite her heavy schedules. Chapter 5: the last chapter where The Chief told his nephew the history of Cadell letter and the 'boyish love'.

Disclaimer: I do not own Jane Austen and her characters, or any other characters in this story. The story takes place in several time frames, i.e. 1795-1798, 1817, 1840, and 1867, based on several facts known about Jane Austen and Tom Lefroy. Should gentle readers would like to know more of the facts, please visit Becoming Jane Fansite in the 'About Tom Lefroy' section.

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Chapter 5. The Letter

The grand clock in the hall had not struck ten when Thomas Edward Preston Lefroy realised that he should conclude his conversation with Uncle Thomas Langlois Lefroy as soon as possible. His uncle's age could not accommodate too late a tête-à-tête, yet he could not bring himself to wrap up the discussion. After listening to the grand clock terminating its tenth strike, Thomas cleared his throat and spoke,

'I have always known that you have a sad, gloomy story kept close to your heart my dear Uncle, but never had I considered the extent.' Upon his uncle's silence, he resumed. 'To learn that my very own father was the person responsible for the doom of your youthful love…' he shook his head. 'I am terribly sorry for that.'

The old Tom Lefroy did not reply for a while. 'Why do you have to feel sorry, child?' he slowly whispered.

'Why?' Thomas blinked. 'Why, my venerable Uncle, had it not for my father's elopement with my mother… you would have married Miss Austen! And the world would not have lost a great authoress at such a youthful age; for there is no doubt that she would have lived a happier life with you than being alone.'

'Would she?' the former Chief Justice of Ireland still whispered. 'I would not know, Thomas. I do not think the Great Uncle Langlois would approve our union. I would be Anthony then, and it would be Anthony who had to leave Lizzy to marry a richer lass. It would be Anthony who would support me and my family.'

'You say this as if you married Aunt Mary for her wealth.'

The old Tom Lefroy shook his head. 'I regret such an impression. It was not what I meant. Of course, her wealth tremendously helped our family but I eventually realised that I loved her when I learned her true golden heart.' Former Chief Lefroy pinched the bridge of his old nose as he continued. 'But let's assume that I could have married Jane without objections from the Langlois. I might have been able to feed Jane and our family… our hypothetical family. But what if I could not sustain them? Jane would not have had time for writing for she would have had to sustain our family as well. And if I managed to bring myself into a successful career, she and I would have lived a happy and wealthy life. But I do not think that her novels would have been the same. No. Her works would not be the same.'

'Might not be the same,' agreed Thomas. 'In the first scenario, the world might have lost the opportunity to have a Jane Austen as the famous authoress, for she would have been too busy to take care of her family. In the second scenario, we might have had the authoress Jane Austen, but her books would not have been the same.' He added an afterthought, 'Her works would not be the same, but it does not mean that they would be less valuable.'

The former Chief Justice of Ireland smiled ruefully. 'Both scenarios are hypothetical, my dear Child. We would never know the exact results of each possibility, for I chose a different path. I chose Mary Paul… and abandoned Jane Austen in her own poverty … her own suffering. To save my family, I had to hurt the love of my life.'

'As I said before… had my father not –'

'The 'what if' scenario does not work here, Thomas. As a judge you know that we should base our judgements on facts and reality, and based on what your father and I faced then, my decision was the appropriate one.' The ninety year old man looked at his dearest nephew, at his concerned countenance, and added hastily, 'It was not your father's fault, Thomas. It was the will of God. I was merely playing my part… consciously, despite my aching heart.'

'Did you ever find solace?' the young Thomas tentatively posed after a while.

'Did I?' the wrinkled lips formed a peaceful smile. 'Of course I did. Jane Austen was a very special woman, Thomas. But so was your aunt Mary. And your cousin Jane. I think they never realised that they were, are, my three guardian angels.'

'Akin to Lord Jesus and His three female followers.'

The pious Tom Lefroy widened his smile. 'Yes similar. Although I dare not draw similarities between our Lord Jesus and my sinful self.'

'You are not sinful.'

'Oh, but sometimes I was. At times I made mistakes; sometimes I did not keep my promises. Speaking of promises, dear Thomas… you might want to return to your first topic of conversation tonight; a letter from Cadell & Davies in which you obtained for me years ago.'

'More than twenty five years ago, Uncle. The year 1840, if I may refresh your memory.'

'Was it that long? Dear me…' his uncle gestured towards his writing desk. 'Bottom shelf, Thomas, a green book. Will you pass it to me?'

The nephew did as he was asked and produced a muted green book from the shelf. It was an old note book belonging to Thomas Langlois Lefroy. His nephew handed it to its owner, who soon caressed this old book as he opened the cover and retrieved a yellowish piece of paper tucked between its pages. 'Letter of Cadell & Davies. The very evidence of their stupidity, if I may say so, for rejecting the first manuscript of 'First Impression', later known as 'Pride & Prejudice', written by Jane Austen.'

'That firm truly rejected the early version of 'Pride & Prejudice'?' Thomas could not believe his ears. 'I mean, after all these years, I still could not comprehend their –'

'Evidence of human's foolishness, Thomas. As an experienced judge, you should not doubt it.' The former Chief Justice smiled as he opened the yellowish paper. 'Care to read it to me, dearest nephew?' He handed the letter to his nephew who cleared his throat and began reading the letter:

'Sir, - I have in my possession a manuscript novel, comprising 3 vols., about the length of Miss Burney's "Evelina". As I am well aware of what consequence it is that a work of this sort shd make its first appearance under a respectable name, I apply to you. I shall be much obliged therefore if you will inform me whether you choose to be concerned in it, what will be the expense of publishing it at the author's risk, and what you will venture to advance for the property of it, if on perusal it is approved of. Should you give any encouragement, I will send you the work.

I am, Sir, your humble Servant,

GEORGE AUSTEN

Steventon, near Overton, Hants.

1st November, 1797'

Finishing the letter, Thomas looked up to see his uncle smiling wistfully. 'A proof of human folly indeed, Sir,' he commented, as he returned the letter to its current owner. 'I have heard of this letter from the Austen's, of course, notably Jemima's mother, but I still could not dare to believe that they truly rejected the very early version of Pride and Prejudice!'

His uncle chuckled. 'They did harbour some prejudice, did they not?' His eyes glittered with healthy humour. 'I will tell you a secret, my dear nephew. The letter is indeed a good way of restoring my humour from time to time; to know that Jane shone as a great authoress, despite these imbeciles attempting to let her down…' he shook his head, hands caressing the letter. 'I am very much amazed at the amount of energy stored in that lady. She was truly an outstanding creature.'

'But how, dearest Uncle, did you ever find out about the existence of this letter? Did Mr. Austen tell you about it?'

Thomas Langlois Lefroy did not drop his smile as his mind wandered to the past. Only after a while did he speak again, and his voice was full of rich, unforgotten memories. 'Bath, 1797, my dear boy. We did meet again in November 1797. Miss Austen, Jane, was rather in a foul mood at that time. I initially thought that it was because she was uncertain of my feelings for her. But after I pledged my love for her yet I still detected a hint of annoyance, I made some more inquiries. Only then did I find out that Mr. Austen had just received a reply from Cadell & Davies, indicating their disinterest to even look at the manuscript, let alone publish it. Jane and I discussed the follies of mankind at some length. Eventually, she came to term with this perceived 'failure'. Her inner sunlight had restored and we shared a very nice holiday in Bath. In 1840, when I heard of Cadell's sale, I immediately contacted you asking you to retrieve the letter for me, for I was certain that Cadell would still store the letter within their archives. I was not mistaken.'

Thomas shared his uncle's memories with a smile, until he remembered another memory. 'Bath… 1797. At least you two had a year of good acquaintance before my father…' he dropped his smile and sighed.

'Do not regret the past, Thomas.' Wisely the old Tom Lefroy intercepted his nephew's doubts by continuing, '…surely you know that your father and I have mended the bridges between us since then. Have my stories about Mary and Anthony told you nothing?'

Young Thomas' smile returned slowly. 'So, am I to understand that you deeply loved Jane Austen, Uncle?' Leaning over the bookshelf, Thomas added, 'I am no judge, here, I actually admire your feelings towards Miss Austen and your responsibility and commitment towards your family.'

His uncle, who was now gazing intently at Mr. Austen's letter, did not answer for a while. The humour that had lingered during the Cadell conversation evaporated now. A moment later, he tilted his head and replied reluctantly, 'It was a… how shall I express it Thomas? A boyish love. I was young and full of dreams then, I did not realise what would await me.' The old Tom Lefroy immediately returned his attention towards the Cadell letter. No one spoke for a while until Thomas straightened his posture and responded,

'Boyish love? My dearest Uncle, I beg to differ.' Thomas gazed at the letter his uncle held dear. 'Based on what you have told me tonight, forgive me for not believing that your love towards Miss Austen was a boyish love. In fact –' he leaned over to his uncle, who raised his head and awaited his next sentence with anticipation, not unlike the way a judge waited for the barrister to speak. His uncle knew what he wanted to say, and Thomas did not disappoint him. He resumed, '– you loved her so much, did you not, Uncle? After all these years, you still feel very fondly for her.'

His uncle did not reply immediately. Instead, after time he said, 'I assume you read Emma?'

'Miss Austen's Emma?' Thomas replied. Upon his uncle's nod, he continued 'Yes, that is actually Jemima's favourite. What of it?'

'Emma's friend and lover, Mr. Knightley, once said something like, 'If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more.' His nephew confirmed his understanding with a knowing glance. Slowly, Thomas Langlois Lefroy restored his smile, 'I think the notion that Jane Austen understood human nature was not overrated in the slightest.'

Thomas agreed. After a pause, he added, 'She understood you well.'

Tom Lefroy's smile dwindled again as he turned to face his nephew.

'Am I such a bad person, Thomas, for remembering Jane Austen this much, even after all of these years? After her death…even after Mary's death?'

Thomas stared into his uncle's eyes; they used to be bright blue. Thomas remembered looking into those eyes with awe as the older man shared stories with him of the Scriptures or discussed the law. Now, in his older age, Tom Lefroy's eyes had transformed into a greyish tint, losing their previous bright flare. Yet, his spirit and love remained, radiating from within. The young Thomas did not see a deceitful person in his uncle. Instead, he saw a wise old man, full of love and adoration for his wife and family, but still holding a special place in the corner of his heart for his youthful love.

'No, Uncle,' he replied solemnly. 'You are not a bad person. You are a wise man whom I respect dearly. You are a loving husband, a good father and a great uncle. But you are also –' he took George Austen's letter from his uncle's hand, '– a faithful lover. I am certain that Miss Jane Austen left this world in peace. I do wish, however, that she was aware of how you felt and had the knowledge that you held her in such a high regard… it might have eased her pain.'

'Would it have helped?' Tom Lefroy gazed out the window at the bright silver moon hanging behind the thin veil of clouds. He whispered again, 'Would it have helped Thomas?'

'I might be wrong,' Thomas frowned as he stared into the letter. 'But I think, I feel, that Jane Austen would have known of your feelings already. Her last novel, Persuasion, indicated that she knew you well, that she had forgiven you for… how shall I say this… leaving her. I believe that she also knew that you still loved her in the best and purest way.' He folded the letter respectfully and placed it on the table. 'Yes, Uncle, I believe that Jane Austen knew that you loved her still.'

After a time, Thomas Langlois Lefroy responded, 'You know what, Thomas? I have been contemplating the same thought. When I went to England in 1817, a few months after Miss Austen's death, I travelled to Winchester with her dear brother Henry to pay homage. There, I sat alone.' The retired Chief Justice searched for his nephew's eyes. 'I cried helplessly… as I cried, I felt like Jane was beside me. She cast her most beautiful and peaceful smile and told me that she understood me. She forgave me for leaving her as I did. I could feel her touching my face, my trickling tears. And instantly I felt a peace that I had never felt before.' Thomas stood still in reverence as his uncle resumed, 'Yes, Nephew, I believe that Miss Austen knew that I loved her still, and she also had forgiven me, long before I asked for forgiveness.'

Utterly speechless, Thomas approached his frail old uncle and embraced him, allowing him to cry his silent, peaceful tears on his shoulder. A few moments passed and the senior Thomas Lefroy ceased crying and searched for a handkerchief. Young Thomas retrieved his own handkerchief and gave it to his uncle who made the better use of it.

'I thought I was too old for this, Nephew…' said his uncle as he cleaned his face.

With his uncle still clinging to him, Thomas replied, 'Not at all. In fact, I would be wailing if I were you. I am surprised at your ability to suppress all those memories and feelings and yet still live a peaceful life.'

'It was made somewhat better, Thomas, post my visit to Winchester. It truly helped. And dear Mary, bless her soul; her understanding and patience towards this old fool was tremendous; I could not stop thanking her for that.' Tom returned the handkerchief to his nephew. 'Now then dear Nephew, would you do me the honour of taking care of Mr. Austen's letter? I know not how long the Lord will grant me life, and I cannot trust it to anyone better than you as I know you will safeguard such a treasure.'

Thomas Lefroy nodded solemnly. 'I am honoured that you trust me, Sir. It was I who obtained the letter; let it be myself who takes care of it.' He reached for Mr. Austen's letter and placed it in his pocket book that he later tucked inside his pocket. He was about to suggest that they retire to rest when the door knocked. Turning their heads, both uncle and nephew saw Jane Christmas Lefroy entering the library in her white nightgown. Tom Lefroy's 'Guardian Angel' frowned to see both men still conversing at such late an hour of the night.

'Dear me, have you gone mad, Thomas? Do you not realise what time it is now? Father needs to go to bed. Actually he should have been in bed hours ago!'

'Now, now… my dearest Jane, do not fret,' her father chuckled. 'Thomas and I were just sharing some uncle-nephew moments… I was telling him some old stories.'

A flicker in Jane's eyes told Thomas that his cousin was aware of what the old Tom Lefroy was referring too. 'Ah…' she offered mysteriously as she aided her father to stand. 'And have you finished the entire story?'

'I think so, my dear, I think so,' said the very old Tom Lefroy as he leaned over her arm. 'The story is finished now, for I have told Thomas everything I know.'

'Ah, but you are wrong, my dearest venerable Uncle,' said Thomas as he helped father and daughter to walk. 'From what I have just learned, it is not yet finished.' As he left the room with them, he tapped Mr. Austen's letter stored inside his pocket. 'The story continues.'

-FIN -

Author's note:

Phew! Finished at last! I am exceedingly sorry for the length of time I took to finish this part. Real life has her own ways of interfering with regency romance. But I am content that it is now finished. Of course, most of the scenes are my own imaginations. Yet, the quotation of the Cadell letter was true, and I am a firm believer that, although Thomas Lefroy did obtain the letter in London in 1840, he did that upon his uncle's (Thomas Langlois Lefroy) request.

Thomas Langlois Lefroy died on May 4th 1869 in Bray, Ireland, at the age of 93.