Chapter 23

Angel was still tired. He had woken up to Buffy pacing in and out of the bathroom under the premise of showering and dressing. She had showered and dressed much quietly before, and he suspected she just wanted him to wake up.

They would all have to go to work, but before anyone did that, they were meeting at Angel and Buffy's home in the hills. Angel dreaded the coming encounter. Now, he knew he was going to have to talk to Buffy as well, in private. She looked like she was going to be in rare form today.

He rose, exhausted and sore, and dragged himself to the bathroom. Splashing cold water on his face did not have the desired effect of waking him up. It just made his face cold.

Buffy had made coffee, and pushed a mug into Angel's hand before he could greet her. Oh yes, he thought, she is ready to get to it. Indeed, she wasted no time before launching into a verbal tirade on messing with memories and betraying friends' trust.

He let her continue unbridled, sipping his coffee and trying to look half awake and maybe a quarter of the way intelligent. He wondered if he was actually doing either. There were moments he could swear his eye lids closed for longer than a few seconds without him explicitly telling them to so.

She snapped her fingers in front of face, obviously upset he wasn't paying attention. "Are you listening to me? Angel, what you did was so wrong I can't even comprehend it. But…I understand. I think I understand. You need to explain it me. Please."

Taking a deep breath, he started into the story of Connor. He started at the beginning, him trying to lose his soul by sleeping with Darla, and continued through Connor's short life with him. He skimmed over the parts where Connor locked him a steel coffin and sent him to the bottom of the ocean. By the time he reached the part where Connor strapped a bomb to himself and took civilians hostage in a mall, Angel was fairly sure she understood his decision a little better.

She stayed quiet for a while. She wanted to cry for both father and son. Knowing her hormones were making her a little emotional, she stayed quiet for a long time. When she was sure she could control her emotions, she faced Angel again and spoke.

"I get it. He was…he was too damaged. I understand a little better. But…Angel, you can't just erase people when things get hard. I mean, you basically took the most shattering thing to ever happen to you and pretended it didn't. And then you wonder why your friends don't get you."

"I never wondered that. I always knew why they didn't get me."

"Angel! Don't be obtuse! You and Wesley were not okay, and your idea of making it all okay was to erase it from ever happening. What will you two do now? Now that he remembers?"

That gave him pause. He didn't know what to do with Wesley. He understood his actions in relation to Allyson, but he could not bring himself to forgive Wesley for the man's mistakes with Connor. Wesley had screwed up so much…he stopped himself. Gunn had screwed up with Fred, too, resulting in the death of their friend.

They had somehow found a way to forgive Gunn; even Fred didn't hold a grudge. Angel reasoned that they all believed Wolfram and Hart had corrupted Gunn somehow. They had never truly dealt with the idea that Gunn had acted independently of then-evil company.

Angel knew he had made mistakes. He had dealt with Connor poorly, and had regretted that every day of his life since then. He had made mistakes with Kate, with Cordy. Most of all with Buffy. He wondered if he could blame Wes, for doing something stupid but which he thought was right, knowing that he, himself, had made so many glaring mistakes.

The nature of being human, he thought. Even those who weren't technically human. They all made mistakes. Wesley's mistake had cost him his son, though, and he wasn't sure he could get over that, especially now that Wesley knew what had happened.

"Buffy…I don't know what to do with Wesley. I know…he regrets what happened. So do I. I don't know if I can ever get over it, though. I still miss Connor. Every day. How can I get over that now, with everyone knowing?"

"You can't let the fact that your friends remember their own lives stop you from moving on with yours."

"I have moved on!" He stood, his anger rising. "I moved on! You're here, and I'm not a drunk anymore, and the company is doing better than it ever has! I'm moving ahead with my life…"

"And yet, here we are, you still not dealing with the loss of your son. Angel, I can't imagine…" Her hand was on her belly; her thoughts were with her child. The pain she felt was real and very pronounced at the thought of someone taking her baby from her. And she hadn't even really met her baby yet.

She couldn't imagine holding and caring for and loving a child for as long as Angel did only to have him snatched away. She wanted to cry, she wanted to beat Wesley up, but she understood he hadn't meant for it to happen that way.

The doorbell interrupted her thoughts. Smiling at Angel, she assumed it was someone arriving early for their family meeting. When she opened the door, a young man around Dawn's age with mid length brown hair swept out of his face was standing in front of her.

Buffy's jaw dropped.