The Hellsing 'Institution'

First, before I go any further, there are a few things I'd like to explain.

1) This is a parody. Expect major OOCness. MAJOR. Did I already mention the excessive amount of OOCness you'll find here? If not, there's a lot of OOC. If I did, there's a lot of OOC. There.

2) You may find things that don't make any sense at all (ex: the six-legged goat sign that led to the petting zoo.). Do not worry; you're not going insane. I am. And, sometimes, I feel the need to throw in random things that won't make any sense at all, just for my own personal entertainment. Remember: if it doesn't make sense, then it's probably there for no good reason other than I felt like typing it.

With that out of the way, I must say thank you for the reviews, and feel free to leave more. I won't hurt you if you leave negative reviews, but please make them specific so I can at least address the problems you're probably taking joy in pointing out. Just saying "U r dum n ur story is to" is nothing but waste of time, and if you do that, I hope your brain gets eaten by a carnivorous rabid squirrel.

Chapter Two: Grounded!-Day 1

Integra gave her two vampire minions a hard look over the rim of her glasses before shifting her gaze back to the report she was gripping tightly. "Sixteen uninfected civilians were murdered?" She sighed, slapping her palm to her forehead. "How on earth did that happen?"

"Uh-" Seras fidgeted uncomfortably. "It was the porcupine." She was sitting in a plush chair in front of Integra's desk while Alucard leaned against a nearby wall in his regular post-mission vegetative state of boredom. He hated these after-mission debriefings.

"I'm sure it was." Integra commented dryly. "Save your humour for elsewhere. Now is not that time."

Seras curled up a bit in fear. "It was a mistake! Why were they still in line, anyway!? Didn't they know that the place was overrun with ghouls??"

"There isn't much of a difference between ghouls and Wal-Mart shoppers." Integra said coolly, taking a puff of one of the three currently lit cigars she had resting in the ashtray. It's always smart to be prepared. "I doubt they even noticed anything was amiss until you shot them."

Seras flinched. "What do I have to do? Send out letters of apologies?"

Integra balked at the young vampire's stupidity. " Would you like to receive an apology letter from someone who murdered your family!?"

"It'd be a start." Seras shrugged, causing Integra to ask Alucard if he knew Police Girl was this stupid and only turned her into a vampire to torture his master. Alucard shrugged noncommittally.

"Regardless…I'm going to have to take some sort of punitive action against you. Both of you." Integra paused for a moment. "You're not allowed to leave the estate for a week. No missions, and you're only allowed to use the inside firing range. And your Walter privileges are revoked. If you want something done, you'll have to do it yourself."

"What!?" Seras jumped to her feet, smacking her hands onto the desk in front of her. "You're grounding us!?"

"I'd prefer to think of it as…house arrest." Integra smiled. "You're both dismissed. I have a lot of paperwork to do. Next time you're out on a mission, remember that for every civilian you kill, I have to do five hours of paperwork." Integra tapped her pen on a two-foot tall stack of papers that graced her desk. "And for every five hours of paperwork I have to do, I get that much bitchier."

Seras gulped audibly. She was bitchy enough without endless hours of paperwork… "Y-yes Ma'am. Sir. Your Highness. Uh-"

"Shut up." Integra sighed and sat back in her chair. "Didn't I tell you to leave?"

Seras opened and closed her mouth in a vain attempt to say something back, but she quickly smartened up and fled the room. Integra chuckled to herself, rather pleased with her decision.

"I believe I dismissed you both, Alucard….ALUCARD!"

He jumped a bit and looked around in alarm. "Huh? What?"

Integra scowled. "You can leave." She gave the vampire a lingering glare as he melted into the shadows and disappeared. She let out a long sigh. "Finally." She pulled out a silver DS Lite and started playing Barbie Horse Adventure. "Jump that fence, Rainbow Candycloud! You can make it!!" She stared at the screen intently for a couple of seconds before jumping up in jubilation. "I KNEW we could do it!!" Unfortunately, her jubilant jump caused her to accidentally bump her desk, which caused the aforementioned stack of paper (which had been stacked rather precariously for some reason) to flop over and flutter all over the floor.

"Oh shit. Those weren't numbered." Integra looked around the room shiftily. "WAAAALTER!!"

Walter strode into the room a couple of seconds later and looked around wearily, his left eye twitching as he noticed that the floor was covered in important documents and forms. "Am I to assume that you wish me to clean this up?" Integra nodded. "You weren't, by any chance, playing that DS of yours, were you?"

Integra shook her head hastily. "Of course not."

"Then how do explain this?" Walter motioned towards the DS, which was still on, sitting on the top of her desk. It was playing cheerful, triumphant music with the flowery words 'You did it!' flashing.

Integra paused for a moment. "I blame the Iscariots."

"Of course." Walter sighed then began picking up the papers. "Everything is always Iscariot's fault. The dishwasher breaking was Iscariot's fault. The baseball through the window? Iscariot. Somebody putting Alucard's coat in with my wash so all my shirts came out pink? ISCARIOT!" Walter continued to grumble darkly to himself, occasionally slamming a small stack of papers onto the desk.

"Can somebody say anger issues?" Integra whispered to herself, once again playing her game.

Seras sat on the edge of her...umm…coffin uncomfortably. "Damn I wish I still had my bed." She lamented lamely to herself as she looked around her sparsely decorated room. "What am I going to do now? Hmm…I wonder what Master is doing."

-In Alucard's Chambers-

A loud snoring noise could be heard coming from Alucard's coffin, along with occasional random mumbling.

"Mmmmm…p0wned, heh heh…."

The snoring resumed.

-Back With Seras-

She would have checked, but the last time she went into her master's room uninvited she almost got hit between the eyes with a bottle of wine. She managed to duck slightly, so it just glanced off the top of her head. Unfortunately for her, Alucard had thrown it hard enough to shear off the top portion of her scalp. She had to walk around for two weeks looking like some sort of gruesome clown. She pouted and stroked the top of her head.

"I'm not going through that again. I wonder if Sir Integra will let me play her DS?" After considering this idea for half an hour, she decided against it. "No, she was pretty mad when we saw her last. And she loves that pony game." Seras blinked a couple times. "I'll just stare at the wall then, I guess." With that being decided, she sat on the edge of her coffin, her hands clasped and laying in her lap, and stared at the wall.

Walter was straightening the huge stack of papers on Integra's desk, still looking quite distressed. He had picked up and organized every piece of paper, and it only took him FOUR HOURS!! Huzzah for Walter! He stepped back to take in his handy work, blowing a stray strand of his black hair out of his eyes. He was looking quite dishevelled; parts of his hair had fallen out of his normally immaculate pony tail and were either hanging limply by his shoulders or looping out in random directions, his shirt was rumpled, and his monocle was nowhere to be found. With a huge sigh and a satisfied nod, he turned to Integra, who had propped her feet up on the desk to be more comfortable while playing her game.

"There. It's all finished, Miss Integra."

"Hmm?" She didn't take her eyes of the screen as she randomly groped her desktop for the pack of cigars she swore she had set there earlier. "Oh, yeah. Great job, servant. Have a cookie." She grunted in frustration when she couldn't find the cigars, and started to sweep the tabletop angrily. "Damn things! Where are yo-" Her eyes went wide as she heard the gently 'whoosh' noise of many sheets of paper falling, once again, to the floor. She looked over to her desk, chewing slightly on her cigar.

"Oops. Uh…mind getting those for me again, Walter?"

In response, he laid down, curled up into the fetal position, and began to sob loudly.

"I'd appreciate it if you'd clean those up after your mental breakdown." Integra paused for a moment, then pulled open a small drawer in her desk. "Aha! That's where I put those!" She pulled out the small pack of cigars, then proceeded to stick three in her mouth and light them. "Aaaah…smokes." She then turned back to her game, puffing like a madwoman. "Come on Moonbeam Sunshadow! Rainbow Candycloud was better than you! JUMP! As the leader of Hellsing, I order you to JUMP!"

And the virtual horse did obey, for even pixels ph34r teh mad death skillz of Sir Integra Wingacy Sunshine Funtime Rainbows Mary Sue Bertha Bessie Hellbitch- I mean, Hellsing. She kept most of her middle names a secret (I can't imagine why), and the last person to find out was the only other butler she ever employed. His name was Chauncey. He was cleaning out a drawer that, for some inexplicable reason, held Integra's birth certificate which displayed all available information about baby Integra, middle names and all. Chauncey, like the stupid bastard he was, confronted her, and was promptly shot between the eyes and buried in a shallow grave just outside her office window so she could keep an eye on it. She then decided it would be best to stick with just Walter, since he already knew her middle names but was intelligent enough to never speak of them, or acknowledge their existence in any way, shape, or form. Chauncey was the reason she could always be found looking out the window, her eyes narrowed in anger. Well, that and the festering hatred she held for all those she had buried in shallow graves in her garden of death. And roses. It also had quite a lovely shrubbery.

Integra glanced at her watch. 12:35 PM. LUNCHTIME! She stood up and stretched, then turned off her DS and threw it carelessly onto her desk. She had been working on her paperwork ALL morning and felt like she deserved a break. She was also getting hungry. She inhaled one last, huge lungful of smoke (and choked on the cigars almost being sucked back into her trachea as a result) before ramming all three of them into the overflowing ashtray. She pursed her lips in distaste as old cigar ashes rose in a plume and settled on the surface of her desk. She walked towards the door, stepping over Walter on her way. "Oh, and can you clean that ashtray as well? It's completely full."

Walter whimpered in response, still sobbing. Integra sighed. "I guess I'll make myself lunch. How hard can it be?"

Alucard woke to the sound of enraged screams reverberating throughout the entire mansion. He shoved the lid off his coffin and stretched languidly, a frown on his face. After sitting and staring blankly in a drowsy stupor for a few minutes, he climbed to his feet and went to investigate the source of the sounds. He meandered listlessly through the mansion until he finally came upon the kitchen. He gazed inside to find a frazzled Integra stabbing at a can of tomato soup with a rather large steak knife. Cocking his head to the side, he wandered over and tapped her gently on the shoulder.

"May I ask what in the hell you're doing, Master?"

Integra, panting heavily, spun around with a feral look in her eyes. She grabbed the can and thrust it into his face. "Open. This. Now." She ordered through grit teeth, obviously doing her best to control her rage. Alucard took the can and inspected it for a few minutes before searching through some drawers.

"Why are you doing this, Master? Doesn't Walter normally prepare your meals?" He asked as he gently poked at utensils to determine whether or not they were silver. Unfortunately for him, the one he poked was, so he moved along to another drawer.

"He's busy having a mental breakdown or some such thing." Integra snapped back testily. "All I want is some SOUP!"

Having found what he was searching for, Alucard turned to face Integra. "I shall now educate you as to what opening a can entails." In his left hand was the can. In his right hand was a can opener. He pointed this out to Integra. "Can you guess from the title what this device is used for, Master?"

She scowled and snatched both from him. "Har-dee-har. I think I can take it from here." Alucard watched blankly as she managed to figure out how the can opener functioned. Now with an open can, she stared at the contents. "…this doesn't look like soup."

Alucard sighed. "It's concentrate, Master. You need to add water and heat it on the stove."

"I knew that." Integra mumbled as she set the can on the stove and turned it on. "When do I add the water?"

Alucard slapped his forehead. "While you are indeed adept at running this organization, your cooking skills seem to have been sorely neglected." He took the can off the stove and grabbed one of the pots that were hanging off an apparatus on the wall. "Perhaps you should let me finish this up so you don't hurt yourself, Master."

Integra snorted. "What makes you think you'll know how to make it?"

Alucard showed her the can. "There's directions on the label."

Integra scowled. "I knew that."

"Of course you did, Master."

"Besides," she reasoned to no one in particular, "Walter usually cooks for me. It was rather inconsiderate of him to have a breakdown just as I got hungry. He should have asked for permission." She shrugged. "It'll just have to count as his vacation days." She pulled out a cigar and lit it.

"I didn't even know he got vacation days." Alucard commented as he whisked the soup and turned the burner heat up a couple of notches.

"He doesn't." Integra replied blankly.

"…ah."

Both were silent for a couple of minutes as the soup heated up slowly. Finally, Alucard turned to his master and almost smiled. "It's finished. And if you're finished with your failed attempts at cooking and can mutilation via steak knives, I'm going back to sleep."

Integra nodded, lighting another cigar with the still smouldering butt of the last one and shoving it in her mouth. Alucard vaguely wondered how she kept her teeth so white, what with all the smoking she did as he dragged his tired ass back to his chambers. Heh. I just like saying that word. He breathed a deep sigh of relief as he reached his coffin. Without a moment's hesitation, he flopped down into it and fell asleep almost the instant after he had pulled the lid closed.

Seras was still staring at the wall, gritting her teeth with the effort it was taking her not to blink. "I'm going for the world record!" She exclaimed to no one in particular, renewing her vigilance. "I think my eyes are going to start bleeding any minute now…auuuuugh!"
Okay, that's all for now! You've obviously read, so now feel free to review! I would like to receive some constructive criticism once in a while. Oh, and sorry if you like shopping at Wal-Mart. And I'm not entirely sure if there is a Barbie Horse Adventure for the DS, or if you have to jump over fences. So…yeah. Just go along with it. Nod your head and say, "Yes, whatever you say." while thinking My god, this girl is WEIRD.