The Hellsing 'Institution'
Chapter Four: Goudaville!
Yes indeed, I do believe I have officially lost it. But, I ask you, is that really a bad thing, or more entertaining? Food for thought. Well…I guess it's kind of like eating celery. Sure, you chew it up, but most of it is cellulose (which is indigestible) and you burn more calories by chewing than it contains. So, really, it's just an empty waste of time. How depressing. Although, it is good with some peanut butter. There you go! Think about it while licking a spoon of peanut butter and the experience won't be completely empty, although you'll probably end up with the distinct feeling that you've just wasted you time, much like I'm accomplishing right now by writing this for you to read! You know what the funny part is? You're READING it! Ha! But enough about my questionable sanity…on with the story.
Shout out to all yallz who wroat reveiwz! HOLLA!! Oh, erm -ahem-. What I meant to say was thanks for all your reviews! They are much appreciated, and I have fun reading them. And, if you venture so far as to suggest something completely wacko and strange that should happen/be included in the story, whether you were serious or not, I'll probably try to work it in somehow, just for the hell of it. I like to have fun with this.
For some reason unbeknownst to everyone save himself, Alucard deigned to ride in one of Hellsing's transportation vehicles like a lowly…low thing. He was sitting in the back, playing '20 Questions' with Seras. It was Alucard's turn to guess what Seras was thinking of.
She sat for a couple of seconds, face screwed up with concentration, before suddenly smiling.
"Okay, I got it! You'll never guess this one!"
Alucard was silent for a moment. "You're thinking of a pink fuzzy hippopotamus." He stated confidently. Seras scowled at her master.
"HEY! No mind reading allowed. It kind of ruins the whole premise of the game."
Alucard sighed in resignation. "Fine. We'll play it your way."
Seras screwed her face up once again as her mind raced to find something that would be suitably challenging. A light bulb went off in her head and she opened her eyes again and chuckled.
"Okay, I got a goooood one! You'll never guess this!"
"Is it an animal?"
"Yes."
"Is it fuzzy?"
"…yes."
"Is it a carnivorous rabid hamster?"
Seras glared daggers. "I told you NO mind reading!" She scolded angrily, figuring for some strange reason that Alucard would actually listen to her.
"Trust me," Alucard scoffed lightly, "you don't need to be psychic to figure out what you're thinking. Your thought patterns are as transparent as glass."
Seras pouted. "That's not funny, Master. You pick something now."
"Hmmm…all right, I got it."
"Is it a mineral?"
"No."
"Animal?"
"Yes."
"Does it fly?"
"Yes."
"Does it have feathers?"
"No."
"Hmmm…" Seras thought deeply for a few seconds. " Are they seen often?"
"No."
"Is it a herbivore?"
"No."
"Carnivore?"
Alucard paused for a moment. "No, you couldn't call it a carnivore, per se."
Seras pursed her lips in distaste. "This is hard."
"You still have thirteen questions left, and I'm running out of patience." Alucard replied, crossing his arms. "Hurry up."
"Is it a cat?"
Alucard slapped his forehead. "I said it fl- no. It's not a cat." Alucard huffed angrily. STUPID Police Girl…
"Hmm…I was sure it was a cat. Huh…would I want it as a pet?"
"Highly unlikely."
"Umm…is it a vampire bat?"
Alucard blinked in disbelief. "Yes. How did you guess?"
"Ugh, I absolutely HATE those things!" She shivered. "They give me the heebie-jeebies. My turn!"
Alucard groaned in pain. When the hell were they going to get there!? Spending all this time in a relatively confined space with Seras was making him want to stab himself in the eyes with a sharpened, rusty spoon. Desperate to find some way to make her shut the hell up, Alucard crinkled his brow in thought. Then, it suddenly hit him right upside the back of his occipital lobe, which caused him to become temporarily blinded.
"SHIT!" He shook his head for a bit, then rubbed his eyes and blinked furiously. His vision slowly came back, his parietal lobe gently patting his occipital lobe on its…umm…back?
"There, there." It cooed. "Everything's going to be hghhghghghgoooookay."
His occipital lobe sniffled (?) and smiled (once again?). "You're sure?"
"Of course I am."
Alucard scowled at the ludicrous personification of his grey matter, then put the abusive idea that had spawned that sin against literature into action. He turned to Seras, his expression an impassable wall of blankness. A veritable impregnable barrier of nothingness. A- well, you get the idea. He stared blankly at her. Yeeeeah.
"Goudaville."
Seras sat completely still for a few moments before bursting into uncontrollable laughter.
"BWAAAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!! Goudaville!! AAAAAHAHAHAHAAAA!!"
It went on and on like this until they reached the damn place. Alucard coped by turning up the volume on his iPod and bobbing his head in time with the music. He was listening to the Hellsing Original Sound Track 2: Ruins. He didn't know where the music came from (he pilfered the MP3 player from the corpse of a random ghoul he had killed back at the Mozzarella Wal-Mart ), or why it was named after the super secret organization he was a part of, but it was fairly tolerable. At least it wasn't any of that shit the youth were listening to nowadays…like, Simon and Garfunkle. He didn't like them. He hated them. Them and the youth. Misguided bastards. But I digress.
He smacked Seras upside the head and scowled. "We've arrived."
Seras suddenly became serious and nodded. "Aye aye, Master." With that, she kicked the doors open, grabbed Harkonnen and her little lunchbox full of ammo, and jumped out the back. Alucard raised an eyebrow.
"Arrrrr, me 'earties, we've got ghouls to p0wn." He laughed to himself and climbed out, stretching in a most grand manner. Being around seven feet tall plus sitting in a cramped little truck equalled a very uncomfortable Alucard. He looked around to find that they were in front of the local Post Office. "Why am I not surprised?"
"RETREAT!! RUN AWAAAAAY!" Nameless Soldier #1 came running out of the building, flailing his arms about like a child being chased by a swarm of African Killer Bees. A couple silhouettes could be seen through the doorway behind him. One of them was waving its hand around in an almost questioning manner. The ghouls were hot on their tracks and catching up quickly.
"WHAT!? Why didn't anyone TELL me that Project Runway was on!? I LOVE that showAAAUAGHHHGHHGHHHKSJKGLDJIWOSNHGKRISHJRDNJVGNS!" The man was grabbed from behind by the ghouls, which instantly set upon him with their creepy, gross, smelly, yellow, mouldy, randomly protruding, flesh tearing, bone gnawing, disgusting teeth. The other soldier managed to make it outside all right, and slammed the door shut. He rested his back against the door and panted heavily.
"We're going to be all right…the ghouls will never get through the door. Another one of those strange rules."
On the other side, the ghouls stared glassy-eyed (if they still had eyes) at the door and moaned.
"Guuuh…urhjhjjjhjhwa…gwaaaagh." (Translation: Damnit! We'll never get through that door!)
Another ghoul gurgled in anger. "Uhhhghghhgghh…eergehgher." (Translation: Damn rules!)
With that, the group wandered back into the bowels of the building, plodding around with that gross, sticky sound that zombies make. You know, the same sound your shoes make when you walk on theatre floors.
Once again, back to the other other side of the door. The outside, if you will. Nameless Soldier #1 and the other survivor, Nameless Soldier #3, made their way over to Alucard.
"So you're Hellsing's secret weapon." Nameless Soldier #1 stated, sizing up Alucard. "You don't look so tough." Alucard looked down at Nameless Soldier #1 (henceforth referred to as N.S. 1) and grinned evilly, sure that his face was tilted in just a way that light would reflect off his sunglasses and make him look all ominous and whatnot. He had become very adept at that. He pulled Casull out and pointed it at the man's forehead, who gulped audibly.
"Oh my GOD! My FOREHEAD is GULPING AUDIBLY!!" With that, the man ran off, screaming and beating at his forehead, which was protesting loudly.
"It was just a dangling modifier, I say! A DANGLING MODIFIER!! STOP BEATING MEEEEE!!"
Slightly put off by what he had just witnessed, Alucard turned to face N.S. 3, wondering what sort of odd thing he would do. Maybe he would turn out to have floating orbs of intense gem-like colors for eyes, or severed hands he would offer to people. As long as he doesn't offer me a hand, I'm good. I already have one, and there's no tactful way to refuse a severed hand.
"Yeah…we've been under a lot of stress for the last, um, six days." N.S. 3 scratched the back of his head, sniffing a bit in embarrassment. "But that's all over now that you're here. Here're some blueprints to the place." the man passed them over to Alucard, who looked at them in distaste.
"These are just some random doodles on a ketchup-smeared napkin." He noted in disgust. "Besides, I don't need your 'blueprints' to kill ghouls. All I need is Jackal, Casull, and my insatiable lust for blood, death and destruction." N.S. 3 took a couple steps away from Alucard and smiled nervously.
"Yes…well, if I'm not needed here anymore, I believe that I'll be on my way." Alucard was too busy cackling maniacally (as was his custom before any killing occurred) to notice the man turn and run as fast as his legs would carry him. Once again, Seras was forced to ponder exactly how sane her master was.
Not very is all I can say, but coming from me, that statement isn't very credible.
She used Harkonnen to break down the door, then stormed inside to see Alucard already shooting the place up. "Whaaaat!? How did you get in here before me!?"
"There are other ways to get into places besides doors." Alucard answered enigmatically.
"Soooo…you climbed in through the window."
"Bingo." Alucard replied while ripping the head off a ghoul and using it as a bowling ball of sorts to knock down a small group of ghouls that were advancing towards him. "You should try it some time. It's quite convenient."
Seras sighed and looked around. The door opened up into a small waiting room with a desk against the far wall. Alucard was in the Hall to the North. There is a Door to the East, and the Exit is to the South. What will Seras do?
"Erm…I'll inspect the Door to the East." Seras said aloud, wondering why she was suddenly in a text-based RPG game. Figuring that the job would get done regardless, she decided to go with the flow…erm, text.
-You examine the East Door. It is unlocked.
Seras thought for a moment. Hmm…Master is already taking care of the Hall, and this is the only other option besides exiting. Her mind randomly made up without any further thought, she smirked triumphantly.
"I'm going to go through the Door!"
-You try to go through the door, but end up just running into it and getting a bloody nose.
Seras stumbled back and swore, pinching her nose to stop the bleeding. "Ack! You know whad I meand! Open da door!"
-You open the door and find yourself in the sorting room. The wall to your left is full of small cubby holes which are used to sort mail by street addresses. There is a Door to the North. The Exit is to the South.
Seras bit her lip anxiously. "I never was good at these games. Look for signs of disturbances."
-The room is covered in blood and the parts and organs of numerous Nameless Soldiers. There is a Door to the North. The Exit is to the South.
Gagging, Seras took a couple steps backwards. "Ugh! Why didn't I see that before?"
-Unrecognized command. There is a Door to the North. The Exit is to the South.
"Bastard…" Seras grumbled. Sighing, she decided that she really didn't have a choice. "Open the North Door."
- You open the North Door and see a group of Ghouls feasting on the corpse of a fallen soldier. They haven't seemed to have noticed your presence yet, but there's no telling how long that will last. There is a Door to the East. The Exit is to the South.
"I'm going to blow them up using one of Harkonnen's standard rounds." Seras stated boldly, hoisting Harkonnen up and preparing it for battle by shoving one of the 'red rounds' into the chamber.
- You shoot a standard round at the Ghouls. They are all destroyed.
"Yessss!" Seras pumped her fist in triumph.
- There is a Door to the East. The Exit is to the South.
"Well, there seems to be a trend here. Let's try the door." Seras wandered over and grabbed the door handle.
- The door is locked. The Exit is to the South.
Seras cursed under her breath. "Look for the key."
- You look, but you do not find the Key. There is a Door to the East. The Exit is to the-
"Yeah yeah, I get it!" Seras snapped. "There's a Door to the East and the Exit is to the South!" Seras mocked the text and pranced around the room. "Oooh, I'm the big, bad text! I'm going to repeat directions to you over and over and OVER again!!"
-FINE! You've made your point! The Key's not here.
"You'll give me the key," Seras growled dangerously, "or I'll permanently delete your .exe file so you'll never get to play again!"
-Suddenly the Key falls from the roof and hits you on the head.
"HEY!" Seras cried out in disdain as a key bonked her on the head then fell to the floor with a metallic clink. "You better watch yourself…" She picked up the key and smiled triumphantly. "Right. Let's go open up that East Door, shall we?"
- You try to open the Door with the Key, but-
"Buuuuuuuuut…" Seras glared dangerously.
- But it turned out that the Door wasn't locked after all. It was just jammed. You swing the Door open to find the silhouette of a rather large man walking down a rather dark hall. He is singing a rather odd song and wielding bayonets that rather glint in the rather light. Rather.
"Wait…isn't that a bit contradictory? He's all shadowy in the dark hallway, but his weapons are glinting in the light? Where's the verisimilitude in that?! That doesn't even make sense!! Where is this light coming from? Do the bayonets have random lights that shine only for them? Why do you keep using the word 'rather'? What's up with WGHHAGHAGHHAAAW!!" Seras was cut off by a blade through the throat. Yet again.
-You were ranting on for too long. The man has impaled your throat with one of his bayonets, and you writhe in pain.
True to word, Seras was indeed writhing in pain.
-If you don't shut up and leave soon, you're going to die.
"Exit….South." She managed to choke out he directions, the stumble her way there.
-You are once again in the mail sorting room.
"Exit South!"
-You are back in the entrance. Your master is nowhere to be found, and you can hear the man's footsteps getting closer.
"EXIT SOUTH!!"
-You try to exit, but find the way blocked by some sort of Barrier. You look up to find that the walls are lined with sheets of paper that have been tacked there by bayonets.
Curious, Seras took a closer look to find out what was on those magical sheets of paper. What she saw filler her with terror.
"Oh my lord…it's the script from "The DaVinci Code"!" She let out a horrified scream and stepped back while coughing up a large volume of blood. Faintly, she heard the singing that the text had mentioned earlier.
" 'F' is for friends that do stuff together, 'U' is for you and me! 'N' is for any time, anywhere at all down here in the DEEP BLUE SEEEEEAAAAA!" There was a slight pause before the singing continued. " 'F' is for friends that do stuff together-"
"Oh GOD! He doesn't know all the lyrics so he's just going to continually sing the one part he does know!!" Seras clamped her hands over her ears and clenched her eyes as tightly shut as they would go. "It's nothing more than a horrible dream…you're just dreaming…this isn't happening…and when you look down, it'll turn out that you just imagined all that horrible pain, and you're actually not impaled several times by several bayonets that that crazy freak has just thrown at you!" She opened her eyes and looked down to find that she had indeed been impaled multiple times by the man. "WHO ARE YOU!?"
"Are you stupid?? How the hell could you not know who I am!? The authoress even said that there was a good chance that I'd show up!"
Seras gasped. "Moonbeam Sunshadow!? Sir Integra loved you! She only traded you off because you were a slow bastard and you didn't win any races!!"
The man scoffed angrily. "I'm not a damn virtual horse, you dense heathen retard!! It's me," The man stepped out of the shadows he had been lurking in to reveal…GASP!! Anderson! Who would have guessed. "Alexander Anderson!" He began to laugh maniacally, which really creeped Seras out.
"Yeah…you do that. MAAAAASTER!! HEEEEELP!!" That last bout of yelling caused her to cough up more blood. "Damn. I hope I don't have to pay for a new uniform."
"Prepare to DIE, you vile night walker!"
"I am NOT a prostitute!" Seras retorted indignantly. "Just because I'm forced to wear this super tight uniform with a mini miniskirt. I can't help it! It was either this or a fish suit!"
Anderson seemed confused. "No…I wasn't calling you a strumpet. You're a vampire; a creature of the night, right? So I was just…eh, you get it." He began chanting some random passages from the Bible or whatever (he was mumbling, so Seras really couldn't tell what the hell he was going on about) and held his bayonets out at the ready. In a brief moment of silence, Alucard came tromping down the hall, covered from head to toe in blood, singing cheerfully.
" I feel like p0wning n00bs…" He stopped and looked at the scene before him. "Fledgling almost defeated…magical barrier in place…worst enemy standing there like the tard he is…" A wicked smile spread across Alcuard's face like jelly on a two year old's face after they eat a PB&J. Wait…that wasn't the best comparison ever. Meh. It'll have to do. "This looks like FUN!"
Integra, who had just gone to bed, snapped to attention and sat up.
"Alucard stupidity senses tingling…" She threw the covers off of her and put on a frumpy purple housecoat, then grabbed her glasses from the side table and put them on while simultaneously picking up the phone and pressing the button used to page Walter in case of 'Alucard Stupidity', which they referred to as Code Stupid. She listened as Walter picked up the phone and yawned.
"What is it, Sir Integra?"
"Code Stupid." Integra said sternly. Walter instantly understood and nodded before hanging up, leaving a baffled Integra on the line with the dial tone.
"Umm…Walter? You there?"
Alucard and Anderson stood Western Showdown style in the narrow hallway. Alucard had a number of those damned blessed bayonets stuck in his midsection, and Anderson was still regenerating from the wounds Aluard had inflicted with Casull. Anderson was about to dash at Alucard, but stopped in his tracks when his nemesis raised his hand.
"Wait a minute, dude. Time out." Alucard sat down on the floor and took a deep breath. "This is fun and whatnot, but I'm getting tired."
Anderson let out a big sigh as well and sat down also. "Yeah, I know what you mean. I just want to go back to orphanage, have something to eat, then sleep."
"Same here! Except for the orphanage part." Alucard added quickly.
"Heeeeeeelp…"
They both looked over at Seras, who was laying on the hardwood floor in a pool of her own blood.
"Man, what's her problem? I didn't get her in the heart!"
Alucard shrugged. "She's a stupid, cowardly wimp."
Seras whimpered at her master's opinion of her.
"Buuuuut… she's my stupid, cowardly wimp, so I guess I should probably go over there and help her. At some point. Maybe."
"Oh, probably." Anderson replied, nodding sagely. "You know what being responsible for little ones is like. Always having to help them with everything."
Integra brushed her teeth as she watched the ground move swiftly under her helicopter. She pulled the toothbrush out of her mouth and spit onto the floor.
"Estimated time of arrival?"
"Two and three quarters minutes, Sir."
"Eeeeeexcellent." Integra tapped the tips of her fingers together. She did that for the two and three quarters minutes it took for them to get to the Goudaville Postal Office. She quickly jumped out of the helicopter and rushed into the building to see Anderson cackling insanely in front of Alucard's stabbed and decapitated body. Apparently, break time ended a while ago. Integra let out a sigh of relief.
"And I was scared that he was going to hurt Alucard. I can be so silly sometimes." She shook her head and chuckled. Anderson noticed her and advanced, still giggling like Chuckles the Insane Serial Killer Clown (not to be mistaken with Stephen King's IT), brandishing his bayonets like a drunk man chasing away a stray dog from his can of beans by using a broken beer bottle. Or a lot like how this authoress brandishes obscure, somewhat clumsy similes. But enough about that.
Integra noticed Anderson advancing towards her and reached for her sword, but came up empty. "Shit…I didn't bring my sword!" Looking around wildly, she decided she would have to improvise, and held up her toothbrush, bristles facing her foe.
Anderson laughed cruelly. "You think that a toothbrush'll save you!?"
Integra smirked smugly. "I just used this, and I haven't had time to wash it." With that, she began to run her fingertip through the bristles, which flicked gross used toothpaste residue at Anderson, who recoiled in disgust.
"EW! That's just wrong!" With one last glare, Anderson turn and fled. "I'll get you back for thaaaaaaaat!" He called back as he jumped through a window. Integra gave a weird look in the direction he had just fled, then ripped a sheet of paper off the wall.
"Huh…"The DaVinci Code" script…he set up a barrier so they couldn't escape." She began ripping down the sheets of paper as she walked along the hallway, ignoring all the blood, guts, and other assorted gross things she was treading through. She took a step to her left and felt her foot hit something round and heavy. She gave it a little kick and jumped as it objected loudly, in pain.
"Watch where you're going, Master! Ow! You kicked me in the nose!"
Integra looked down to see Alucard's head laying on the ground, a sour expression on his face.
" A little help here?"
Integra picked his head up and looked into his face. "Well…if this isn't the oddest thing that's ever happened." She tossed his head up in the air and caught it again, pursing her lips. "Why, Alucard, your head is quite heavy! I should have guessed, seeing as how it's chock full of stupid, which is quite dense." Integra paused. "No pun intended. That would just be in bad taste."
Alucar scoffed. "Ha ha, Master. You're sooo funny I almost forgot to laugh. If your finished now, I'd like it very much if you'd put my head back on my shoulders for me, thank you very much."
"Can't you just turn into bats or insects or something and rejoin yourself?" Integra asked, quite perplexed.
"Oh, yeah…forgot about that for a moment, you know, since it had been so damn LONG since I had a chance to KILL something that could HURT ME BACK!!" Alucard raged, gnashing his teeth angrily before dissolving into little black bats that fluttered around in a dense pack before reforming into a single entity. Alucard dusted himself off and cracked his neck.
"Ah. It feels much better to have my fat head attached once again. It's been a long time since I'd last lost my head." He commented lightly on the situation while fixing the way his hat sat on his head. It always fit a bit funny after he had to regenerate like that.
"Now if you could just regenerate your sanity." Integra muttered under her breath.
"What was that?" Alucard asked suspiciously, narrowing his eyes at his master.
"Oh, nothing." Integra looked around the room shiftily, whistling innocently. She wasn't whistling anything in particular, just random notes. Alucard pursed his lips angrily.
"Fine. Whatever." He looked around. "Hey…where did Police Girl go?"
-Please stop! The PAIN! AUGH!
"Take THAT, bitch!" Seras continued to beat the ever-loving shit out of the text-based game. "EXIT TO THE SOUTH!! EXIT TO THE SOUTH!! AAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!"
Yeah…I haven't the slightest clue why I went with that 'text-based adventure game' style bit. In case you haven't noticed yet, everything I write is just kinda off the top of my head. Heh heh…yeah. Maybe it's not the best idea, but it works out somewhat all right in the end. Well, relatively speaking, anyhow. I didn't make Anderson as crazy in this one because, and I can admit it, I was too damned lazy. Meh. That's all I'm gonna say about this one. Comments? Complaints? Random non-sensical babble? Why, then leave me a review!
DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything I have mentioned. They are all the properties of their respectful owners. Forgiving owners. Magnanimous owners. And so on.
NEXT TIME: It's the Surprise Chapter! I'm not going to tell you anything about what's going to happen, mostly because I haven't the slightest idea!! Needless to say, it'll probably be more nonsense and crazy, retarded situations. Uhhh…TUNE IN NEXT TIME!!