The Hellsing 'Institution'

Chapter Five: Family Game Night

Thank you all for your wonderful reviews and suggestions! There were two very good points made, and I shall do my best to address them. I'm going to try my best to not get wordy (no promises there, unfortunately) and to avoid getting too deep. Anyhows, on with the story!

Integra signed on the last dotted line with a flourish, then slammed her pen down onto the desk with glee.

"Thank god there isn't much paperwork to do for Nameless Soldier deaths or I'd be here until the sun finally gave out, imploded and caused a black hole that would suck the entire solar system out of existence." She flopped back into her chair and ran her hand through her hair while looking at a clock on the wall. "It only took me twelve hours." She whistled. "That has got to be a new record." It was five to ten, which meant any moment now Alucard and Seras would come tromping up to her office to find out what the night had in store for them. True enough, a few minutes later Integra could hear Seras gabbing on to her master about last night's events.

"So I said 'Go through the door!' and the stupid thing gave me a nosebleed! You'd think it wouldn't take things so literally, but it did! I'm thinking about suing. I heard it's the latest fad in North America!"

Alucard opened the doors to Integra's office forcefully and stormed in, obviously not enjoying the light chit-chat. Luckily for him, Seras shut up as soon as she entered the office and sat down quietly. Alucard went to hang out in his usual shady corner.

Integra got up and walked to the window so she could check up on her garden. Satisfied that everything was still in place, she gazed up into the clear sky and admired the stars.

"It is a nice night, wouldn't you agree?"

Seras was hesitant to answer. "Um, I suppose it is." She gave Integra a weird look. Is she on opium again?

Integra sighed. "There are no missions for you tonight. Therefore," Integra spun to face the two. "I have decided that we are to have a game night."

Alucard balked at the proposition. "You can't be serious, Master!"

"I am." Integra replied icily. "And you will participate. In order for us to act as an effective and cohesive team, we need to make an effort to get to know each other better." She looked pointedly at Seras, who continued to be cheerfully oblivious.

Alucard scowled deeply. "Yes, Master." With his luck, they were going to play something stupid like Candyland or, heaven forbid, the game of Life. He shuddered at the thought.

"SQUEEEE!!" Seras squealed in excitement. "I know the BEST games we should play! How about Candyland or the game of Life!? I LOVE those games!!" She jumped to her feet and did a little, slightly awkward happy dance. Integra and Alucard exchanged glances before sneering at Seras.

"No! I have taken the liberty of preparing a list of games that would be suitable." Integra pulled a sheet of paper and handed it to Seras.

Seras wrinkled her nose in disdain. "These are all old people games! Canasta? Bridge? Cribbage? Boggle!?" She snorted angrily. " All these games are booooring! We should play something fun, like Go Fish, or Crazy Eights!"

Integra snatched the list away from Seras, who opened and closed her hands spastically in the realization that there was no longer anything in them.

"How about lawn darts?" Alucard piped up, only to have Integra hurl a book at his head. He easily dodged it and grinned. "You'd be good at it, Master." Integra huffed angrily.

"Next time I throw a book at your head, I order you not to dodge it." With that out of the way, Integra continued on with the matter at hand. " Childish board and card games are out of the question."

Walter suddenly strode into the room, a small bundle of papers held in the crook of his elbow. "Mail is in, Sir Integra." With that, he plopped the papers on her desk and began sifting through them.

"Why are you getting the mail at this hour?" Integra inquired, quirking an eyebrow angrily.

"I'm very sorry, but I just got around to doing it. It's been a very hectic day." As if to prove his point, Walter wiped his forehead with the back of his hand and smiled apologetically. " It's better late then never, or so I've heard." He flicked some loose tendrils of hairs out of his face and put on a sparkling smile as the background changed to a soft pink hue with rose petals blowing gently by, and the light filter was increased by one hundred percent, giving everything a dreamy glow. Walter fan girls everywhere screamed in joy and swooned. Just as suddenly as it had changed, everything went back to normal and Walter continued to sort the mail, earning strange and disturbed looks from everyone else in the room.

"That…was slightly unnerving." Integra commented warily. Walter shrugged in reply. He held up a large envelope, sealed with wax, that had 'Not A Bomb' written in blood on the front. Integra took it gently from Walter and examined the address on the front.

"Ugh. It's from the Iscariots." Everyone spit on the floor. "What should we do, Walter?"

He backed away a couple of steps, holding his hands in front of him. "I don't want anything to do with that, Miss Hellsing. It's not my job to make decisions."

" I see. Well…just because it's not a bomb doesn't mean it couldn't be something like anthrax." With a shrug, Integra threw the creepy letter into a nearby garbage can and looked at rest of the mail herself. "Bill…bill…lawsuit-" She handed that one to Walter. "…bill…oh, this one's for you Walter. Bill…World Vision…bill…how many goddamned bills do we get!? Bill bill bill…eugh. Junk mail, credit card bill, junk, junk, junk- how did all these people get this address??"

Seras fidgeted uncomfortably in her seat and decided not to mention anything about all those items she ordered over the internet.

"Oh my, how wonderful!" Walter exclaimed. "It would seem that my good friend Takeshi Kaga will be hosting an Iron Chef battle here in London, and we're invited!"

"As one of those people who get to taste all the food, or as one of the people who get to watch?" Seras asked, jumping up and down with excitement. She had watched that show ever since she was a little girl! Iron Chef Chen Kenichi was her favourite because he always seemed so jolly.

"Oh NO!" Integra shook her head vehemently. " No no no no NO! We are NOT going there again! No, never, no no NO!"

Seras pouted. "Why? What happened last time?"

Walter adjusted his monocle and, with a small sigh, related the story to the newest member of Hellsing.

"Well, you see Miss Victoria…"

--Flashback--

Integra, Walter and Alucard watched with unenthused stares as Chairman Kaga unveiled the secret ingredient for that day's battle.

"Since we were sure what the challenger's specialty was, we decided to choose the ingredient by random selection. We unveil the ingredients!" Chairman Kaga grabbed the heavy black cloth that was covering the ingredient and grinned. With a flourish, he whipped the cloth off; unfortunately, he flourished a little too much and the cloth whacked him soundly in the face, causing him to stumble backwards and fall down a set of nearby stairs. The audience gasped and a loud voice from the back called out angrily.

"CUT!!" The director smacked his face with his hand. "Okay, somebody get him fixed up and then let's take it from the top. And this time, a little less flourish, please."

The kitchen buzzed with worried chatter as interns rushed down to help Kaga to his feet. They brushed the dust off his clothes and made sure he hadn't broken anything before escorting him back up the steps and replacing the cloth over the ingredient (which still couldn't be seen anyway). With a last minute check to ensure that everything was in place, they rushed back to the sound booth. Interga leaned towards Walter and gave him a nudge.

"Does that always happen?"

Walter chuckled. "Chairman Kaga has always been…exuberant."

Integra gave a small shrug before standing straight again. The countdown was made and the scene began anew.

Kaga cleared his throat and began. "We unveil the ingredients!" The whipped the cloth off without a hitch. "KITTENS!"

Everyone gasped then broke out into polite applause. Integra watched as the platform rose to reveal piles upon piles of kittens. Her eye began to twitch slightly.

------

"WAIT A MINUTE!" Seras exclaimed, cutting Walter off. "You're trying to tell me that they had a kitten battle!? You're lying!"

"She's right." Alucard commented. "It was puppies, not kittens."

"Ah, yes, that's correct." Walter sighed. "It seems that I'm not remembering things correctly in my old age."

"Puh…puh…puppies??" Tears were welling up in Seras' eyes.

Integra rolled her eyes. "It was Kraft Dinner. Now, if you'd continue." She motioned to Walter, who complied.

"She had to go and ruin it…" Alucard muttered darkly.

--------

Walter made his way to the platform covered in boxes of KD in a dignified manner that only he could pull off as normal behaviour. He glanced over the presented selection before choosing five nice looking boxes. They were some of the only ones that didn't have dented corners. He grabbed them and set them in the provided metal tray before walking back down to his side of the kitchen, closely followed by a cameraman and a commentator, who began commenting. Already.

"Fukui-san!"

"Go ahead!"

"It seems the challenger has taken five boxes and is now returning to his side of the kitchen!"

"Uh…thanks for that." Fukui replied, slightly confused as to why that would warrant commentary. "Anyway…I'm excited for this battle, aren't you, miss?"

"Why yes, I am!" The young Japanese actress sitting beside him replied, tittering from behind her hand. "And I'm excited about what delicious dished these conte…contes…"

"Just sound the word out." The man holding up the cue cards cooed. "You can do it."

"Con-test-ants. Contestants! I'm excited about what delicious dishes these contestants will cook up, even though my manager says I have to throw them all up afterwards so I stay skinny!"

"Just stick to the cue cards, dear." Dr. Hattori, another commentator, whispered to the actress, who tittered yet again in reply. Walter rolled his eyes as he began to rip the boxes open, the kitchen reporter still hounding him and spewing forth obvious commentaries.

"Fukui-san!"

"Go ahead!"

"The challenger's friend in the red coat has issued this statement: 'Piss off or I'll eat your face!'"

"Well, you better watch yourself then, Ohta-san!" The panel chuckled for no apparent reason. "I hope he does eat your face off…" The panel looked at Hattori quizzically, who continued to grumble darkly.

"Fukui-san! I'm over at the Iron Chef's side, and he says he's going to try to create a Kraft Dinner sorbet using over-cooked noodles, vanilla extract, obscene amounts of sugar, and shark fin!"

"Ah! Always with the shark fin!"

The actress wrinkled her nose in distaste. "That doesn't sound very appetizing."

----

"Are you going to tell me everything they said? Because this is starting to get boring." Seras yawned and scratched the back of her head to illustrate her point. "I could be asleep and dreaming of that sexy Sicilian dude in that new pizza commercial."

Alucard hissed in disapproval. "Let Walter tell the story, Police Girl!" He grinned. "I can't wait until you get to the part where I-"

"Sh!" Walter cut Alucard off by clapping a hand over his mouth. "If Miss Victoria is finding this boring, I'll simply skip ahead to the interesting part. Now, where was I…"

---

"Thirty minutes have elapsed."

Walter paused and surveyed his side of the kitchen. Everything was going according to his plan. The casserole was almost finished, the soup was simmered to perfection, and his secret surprise dish was coming along better than anticipated. All that Kraft Dinner experience he accumulated back in his Nazi killing days sure did come in handy. In a gesture of friendliness and good sportsmanship, he gave his opponent, Iron Chef Chen Kenichi, a friendly wave. Suddenly, floor reporter Ohta was in his face again, waving his microphone around like a lunatic. He wasn't even talking to Walter, just in front of him.

"Fukui-san!"

"Go ahead!"

"The challenger seems to have taken a small break and gave Iron Chef Kenichi a friendly wave!"

Everyone cringed as a bloodthirsty howl echoed through the stadium. Alucard materialized in front of the reported, and with a sadistic grin, grabbed the man by the collar and hoisted him up about four feet. The man clutched Alucard's wrist with one hand and his microphone in the other.

"Fukui-san!"

"Uh…go ahead."

"It would seem that the challenger's friend is about to go through with his previous threat and eat my face! Tell my wife and children I love them!"

"Yeah…I'll do that, Ohta-san."

Alucard then proceeded to rip the man's face off.

"AHHH! This REALLY hurts! Oh my GOD! My face is gone!! I can't see through all the BLOOD!!" The reporting continued until Alucard dropped Ohta to the ground and walked back to his seat in the stands. He sat down beside Integra (who looked none too pleased), crossed his legs in a comfortable fashion, and picked at his teeth with a blood-stained toothpick. Ohta laid face down in a small pool of his own blood, twitching occasionally. Paramedics wheeled in a gurney, loaded him up, and wheeled out. Shortly after, the janitor came and cleaned up the mess. The show continued on like nothing had happened.

Needless to say, there was a lot less commentary, and a lot more nervous glances in Alucard's direction.

---

"You didn't really do that, did you Master?" Seras asked, slightly shaken-up.

Alucard laughed. "Of course I did! Why do you think they never show his face?"

Seras whimpered.

---

It was judgement time. Walter wheeled out his five dishes, and with a slight bow and no explanation, served them. Alucard stood slightly behind Walter, his usual disconcerting grin on his face. The judges all ate and smiled until their cheeks hurt.

"Mmm…yes, this is delicious!" The actress giggled. "I've never had such good casserole. What kind of cheese is this?"

Walter smiled. "Mozzarella."

The actress paused. "I've never heard of that!"

Everyone in the room rolled their eyes and shook their heads in exasperation. Walter's soup and special dish (which turned out to be a soufflé of some sort. It was labelled a 'miracle') went over just as well, and the actress made her way to the washroom in lieu of the Iron Chef's dishes.

Kenichi's dishes were presented after his lengthy speech about his inspiration, ingredients, his pet cat's health, and world politics. The other guest, What's-His-Face, nodded in satisfaction as he tasted the Iron Chef's first dish, a macaroni stir fry of some sort.

"Wow! This dish is really good!" What's-His-Face looked up as Alucard cracked his knuckles loudly, and gulped. " But it has too much salt for my taste."

The rest of the tasting went on like this, and finally, it was time for the announcement of 'who's cuisine reigned supreme.' Kaga made a nice little spiel, summarizing the events and praising both chefs and blah blah blah, until he finally pulled out the envelope with the scores from the dark depths of his cloak. Everyone held their breath in anticipation as he struggled to open it.

"Okay, WHO licked the envelope!? Come on people! That's just gross!" An intern ran up and handed him a letter opener. "Thank you, nameless intern. Now, for the results." The tense piano music rang through the kitchen as Kaga sliced open the envelope and tossed the knife carelessly over his shoulder. He pulled out the small sheet of paper, raised his eyebrows, and nodded in agreement. He noticed that the music was still playing, so he looked around the room nonchalantly and winked at the actress, who swooned. After a couple of music-filled minutes, everyone was shifting uneasily in their seats and whispering amongst themselves. Kaga looked up at the sound booth and made a slashing motion at his throat. Strange thumps were heard coming from the sound booth, along with a fleeting, strangled yell, then everything went silent. Kaga took a deep breath.

"Challenger Walter Dornez!"

The stadium erupted into cheers. Streamers and balloons fell from the roof (most of which said things like 'Happy Birthday' or 'Happy Anniversary', but nobody was really looking). Walter wrinkled his nose in distaste and flicked some confetti off his shoulders. Chen Kenichi came over, and they bowed to each other repeatedly. Integra held a parasol over her head to protect herself from the falling confetti, and Alucard sat slouched, his arms crossed, glowering at nothing in particular. The credits rolled.

----------

Seras gasped in awe. "Wow! You beat Iron Chef Chen Kenichi!?"

Walter shrugged. "There were some complaints from third person parties that the judges were pressured to vote in my favour, but the verdict was never changed."

Both Alucard and Walter chuckled. Integra sighed and rolled her eyes.

"He forgot to mention that kitchen reporter Ohta tried to sue." Integra snapped. "And the only reason we won was due to the fact that the judge accepted Alucard's insanity plea and said he couldn't be held accountable for his actions. Mostly due to Alucard's ability to control people's minds."

"You know," Seras put her finger to her chin in thought. "I vaguely remember seeing something about that on the news years ago." The room was silent for a few moments. "So…are we going to play Candyland or what??"

" No." Integra stated in a tone that put any positive speculation to eternal rest. "We're not playing Candyland and we're not going to the Iron Chef battle. Not even as spectators." Everyone let out a complaining groan. "That's final. Now…" Integra checked her watch. "We've managed to waste two hours already and I'm not planning to stay up all night with you freaks, so let's choose a game and get this over with."

"I have a suggestion." Walter stepped forward. "How about a short game of Charades?"

Approving glances were exchanged, and Integra nodded in consent. "Very well. That sounds quite enjoyable."

Walter fetched the Charades game from a random corner of the mansion and pulled out the hefty box of cards. "Right. You pick one, then you act out whatever is on it and everyone else tries to guess the idea that your flailings are supposed to be conveying."

Seras elected to go first. She pulled a small purple card from the box and stared at it incredulously. "How on God's green earth am I supposed to act THIS out!?" With an aggravated sigh, she slammed the card down on the table and walked to a cleared part of the room. The other three sat in chairs facing her, as opposed to standing and facing away from her, which really wouldn't be conducive to the game. Seras cleared her throat, then held up four fingers.

"Four words?" Integra raised an eyebrow as Seras nodded and proceeded to mimic cranking an old-style film…thingy. "And it's a movie."

Seras took a moment to compose herself, then began to jump around the room, flailing one of her arms around wildly. She jumped up onto Integra's desk and continued.

"Hmm…it looks like she's duelling someone." Walter commented. Seras nodded vehemently but motioned that there was more. When Walter shrugged, she huffed and went back to her flailing. She looked around and found a globe. She snatched it and pointed to an area.

"It has something to do with Russia?" Integra asked quizzically. Seras glanced down at the globe and blushed slightly before turning it a bit and pointing somewhere else. "Oh. The Caribbean." Seras nodded, hucked the globe over her shoulder (Walter managed to catch it before it fell to the floor and shattered) and began with her duelling motions again. She continued to jump around the room, then paused and hold up a crooked finger. She sneered and put one foot up on a nearby chair.

"Pirate?" Alucard guessed, glancing at her over the top of his glasses. Seras nodded, a wide grin on her face.

"Oh, I get it. Peter Pan." Integra grinned. "You're Peter."

Seras scowled and held up four fingers again.

"Pirates of the Caribbean." Walter stated, rather matter-of-factly. Seras took her foot off the chair and cheered.

"Yaay!! You got it! It's your turn now!" She trotted over and plopped down into the seat previously occupied by Walter. Walter had already picked a card.

"Ah. This should be easy."

The others watched in anticipation, Integra doing much of the talking.

"Ah…an animal. Hmm…" Walter held his arms close to his side and flapped his hands a bit while waddling around.

"A CAT!" Everyone stopped and stared at Seras, who sunk lower into her chair while turning a deep hue of crimson. "It was only a guess."

"A penguin, you ninny!" Integra glared at Seras and huffed. "How could you possibly think he was imitating a cat?!"

"Well, I'm sorry for thinking outside the box." Seras spat back, crossing her arms.

"More like thinking outside the realm of intelligence on any level." Integra grumbled while getting up and grabbing a card. She sighed at her luck and flicked it to the ground. Walter took her spot and watched as Integra communicated the beginning information.

"One word. A movie." They watched as Integra held her arm up ad across the bottom half of her face, like someone holding a cape would. She then bit her arm and stared intently at Alucard, who seemed either clueless or catatonic. She stomped her foot loudly and glared at Alucard as he flinched slightly and looked around as if dazed.

"I know! A cannibalistic matador!" Seras piped up. Integra shook her head angrily. Walter patted the young girl on the shoulder.

"It's a movie with one word in the title, but nice try."

Alucard rolled his eyes. "Let me guess, Master. The reason you're glaring at me so intently is because the movie is 'Dracula.' Am I correct?"

Integra nodded and sat down again after shooing Alucard over to the cards. Alucard grumbled darkly and gnashed his teeth as he read his card. He crumpled it up, chewed on it, then spit it onto the floor before standing in front of his compatriots.

"It's an animal." Seras stated, then watched as Alucard began to jump around the room. Everyone stifled their giggles, which earned death-glares from Alucard.

"A kangaroo?"

"Maybe a lemur."

"A KITTEN!! It has to be a kitten this time!"

"A frog?"

Alucard stopped jumping and snarled angrily.

"A bunny!!" Seras screeched happily. "You're a bunny! I'd recognize that evil bunny snarl anywhere!" Once again, everyone looked at Seras strangely. "What!?"

"You got something right for once, Police Girl." Alucard stated as he shoved her out of her chair and sat down heavily. "Now it's your turn."

---------------------------------Five Hours Later------------------------------------

Seras whimpered and looked at the others. "We've been doing this for five hours! Can't we stop?"

"NO!" Integra and Alucard objected simultaneously while exchanging feral glares.

"This will be the last one, Miss Victoria. Whomever guesses this correctly wins." Walter sighed as he rubbed his eyes tiredly. "I can't believe they managed ruin Charades."

Seras glanced from her master to her master's master, then back to her master. She bit her lip and glanced anxiously at the card once again. This one's a doozy… With a deep breath, she began. She held her splayed hands up to the sides of her head and began to strut around, lips pursed and eyes crossed. She paused once in awhile to scrape at the floor with her foot and wiggle her behind.

"What the hell is that?" Integra sneered, thoroughly perplexed. Seras continued to strut around the room for ten more minutes before throwing her hands up in frustration.

"I'm a fruit fly!! Ugh! You both suck!" Seras snorted angrily, flipped them the bird, then stormed out. The room was silent.

"How the hell did she think that was a fruit fly?" Alucard asked, slightly disturbed at Seras' stupidity. Integra shrugged in reply.

"As leader of the Hellsing organization, I declare myself the winner. You're dismissed, servant." Integra waved flippantly at Alucard, who hissed angrily in defeat.

"Yes….master." he snarled derisively before disappearing into the shadows. Integra adjusted her glasses and stood.

"I'm going to bed, Walter. I'll see you in the morning." Walter gave her a small bow and watched as she stalked off. Shrugging, he went to his quarters and fired up his Xbox 360 to see if there were any interesting GOW multiplayer matches he could join.

Seras was still grumbling angrily as she flung herself into her coffin. She laid down, arms crossed, and mulled angrily over the night's events.

"Stupid bastards couldn't recognize a fruit fly if it bit them on the ZZZZZZZZZ." Seras had the unfortunate habit of falling asleep midway through a sentence. Too bad for her. Little did she know that she was about to have the freakiest dream of her undead life. If that makes any sense at all.

Ha HA! Finally finished this chapter! I actually had some trouble with this one, which you probably noticed. It's not as funny as I had hoped it would be, but the next one is going to be fun! Expect to see characters I haven't mentioned yet. Here's to hoping you know the characters from Millennium and Iscariot (appearances pending). If not…eh. Google 'em. Cheers!

As per usual, please review. Constructive criticism is more than welcome. It's very welcome; or, as I like to say, verelcome. Yeah.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Hellsing, Kraft Dinner, Charades, Iron Chef, or anything else I mentioned. I love Iron Chef, and I'm quite ticked at the fact that they're no longer airing it on the Food Network. DAMN THEM!! -shakes fist violently-

NEXT CHAPTER: Seras in Wonderland! (seriously hoping that, if this has been done before, mine's nothing like the ones that have been done before. -crosses fingers- I'm not about to check, either. Much too lazy, and I don't want to read one and then inadvertently steal things from it, because that would suck on so many levels.)