HA! I bet you people thought this story was DEAD'ED! Well, it's not. I'm just incredibly lazy, not to mention the fact that, for a while there, it seemed like this story kinda ran into a brick wall. So now I'm attempting to pull an Alucard and just phase through the wall, hopefully ending up in a better place. Preferably one with candy. Especially cinnamon candy. That's the one thing I like about Valentine's Day- cinnamon hearts. Mmmm…

Oh, and I changed my mind about the Seras in Wonderland thing. I had ideas for that, but that was, like, so last year. Literally. It was last year. So now I'm just gonna pull something out of my ass, per usual. Le sigh.

Integra sat stiffly in her chair, her forearms resting heavily on the polished desk before her, her hands clenched into tight fists. Standing before her desk were two men; one was short and pudgy, the other was tall and skinny. They both wore expensive black suits and white gloves, carried glossy mahogany canes, and sported black bowler hats. They both removed their hats momentarily while they made sweeping bows toward Integra, who scowled in response.

They were bad news.

Integra knew three things about these men:

1) One was short and fat while the other was tall and skinny.

2) They worked for her majesty, the Queen.

3) They were mimes.

Bloody mimes.

Shehated mimes.

…MIMES!!

Integra lit up a cigar and watched with half-lidded eyes as the short fat one (who shall, from this point on, be referred to as 'Jimmy') pretended to smoke a cigar and adjusted his imaginary glasses. Integra rolled her eyes and sneered, indicating that she understood that he was pretending to be her. He then mimed pulling himself along a rope. The tall skinny one (who we shall call Timmy) pretended to watch in amazement. Jimmy made his way to the end of the 'rope', where he mimed finding a noose. Timmy faked a gasp. Jimmy took the noose and put it around his neck. Timmy's eyes went wide with fear and concern. Jimmy pretended to jump off something, and then immediately pretended to hang to death. Timmy crossed himself while shaking his head sadly, but suddenly shrugged nonchalantly and pretended to meander off, smiling and waving to people. Integra clapped unenthusiastically.

"Bravo, men. Now, why don't you do it again, except with a real noose? Don't worry about fastening it to the roof. I know someone who would be all too happy to hold it up there for you."

The mimes gave Integra the finger, both scowling angrily. Integra chuckled while quickly taking a photo of them with her cell phone. "I'm sure the Queen would love to see this. Wouldn't you agree?"

Timmy and Jimmy shook their heads vehemently. Integra smiled coldly.

"Well then, if that's what you want, I suggest you either tell me why you've sullied this place with your presence, or keep the damage to a minimum and get the hell out of this establishment."

Jimmy rolled his eyes in an exaggerated manner, then rooted through his pockets until he found a letter. He tossed it onto Integra's desk before they both gave her a mocking bow. Integra picked up the letter, lightly chewing on her cigar.

"Walter, would you escort those two to the door, please?"

Walter appeared in the doorway, a malicious, yet exceedingly polite, smile on his face. "By 'escort' do you mean 'escort', or'escort'?"

Timmy and Jimmy looked at each other nervously as Integra pondered this for a moment.

"Not 'escort' or 'escort'…I mean 'escort'." She gave Walter a hard look over the rims of her glasses.

Walter's smiled widened. "Yes, Sir Integra!" He took a step back so he was almost completely shrouded in shadows. He looked a bit like a one-eyed Cheshire cat with his monocle shining malevolently and his teeth, which were exceptionally pearly white, reflecting the light as well. "If you'll just come with me, then."

The two mimes hugged each other as Walter began to laugh maniacally, grabbing one of their arms each and forcibly dragging them along, shutting the door behind him with a kick. She sat for a few moments in silence before smiling gleefully as she heard two angered yells followed by the front doors slamming shut. Satisfied that that was over and done with, Integra began to attempt to unfold the letter.

"Who the hell thought it was a good idea to fold this thing into acrane!?" She blew some stray strands of hair out of her face as she struggled with the thing. She then found her hands completely empty, and it took her a moment to realize that Alucard had materialized through her desk, grabbing the crane from her on the way. She huffed angrily and narrowed her eyes at him as he sat on her desk and calmly unfolded the piece of paper, completely ignoring her. He handed it back to her, grinning.

"And how are you today, master?"

She took a deep, calming breath. "You know very well how I am." She hissed, rummaging through her desk. "Frankly, I've had it up to here with you." She pointed to her neck, then reconsidered it as Alucard's grin widened and pointed to a space about a foot above her head. His smile fell as she pulled something out of one of the drawers, smirking triumphantly. "Give me your hand."

He looked suspicious, but held his hand out to her. She grabbed it and closed a metal bracelet around his wrist, grinning even wider now. He pulled his hand back from her grasp and looked at it boredly.

"What's this, master?" He held his arm out and examined it. "It really doesn't go with my outfit."

Integra chuckled. "Yeah, you think it's funny now. Try to take it off."

He looked at her for a moment before reaching for it. His other hand was stopped inches from the trinket by some invisible force. He stared at it hard for a minute before trying again, this time with more gusto. Once again, he failed. He shook his hand around for a while, then stopped and stared at the bracelet. It just looked like a copper piece of junk!

"What is this!?" He began clawing at the field- an act which was, inevitably, an exercise in futility. Integra was still smiling.

"Something I found a while ago and wanted to try out. Don't bother attempting to remove it. It's been enchanted so that only I can remove it."

Alucard scowled angrily. "Is that all then, master?" He spat bitterly. Oddly enough, Integra seemed to be greatly amused by this.

"Yes, it is. On your way."

Alucard jumped off her desk and made his way to the nearest wall. It was all well and good until he tried to pull the bracelet through. It refused to phase through, letting out a small thud as it collided solidly with the wall, preventing his hand from following the rest of him. Integra burst out laughing at the sight of Alucard's hand sticking out of the wall, spastically twitching in anger and the effort he was making to pull it through. It stopped for a moment, then slid down the wall and across the floor until it thumped heavily against the door. Integra was doubled over in laughter and having troubles watching through the tears of mirth forming in her eyes. She wiped them away and watched as his hand knocked on the door and quickly moved to the side. The door handle turned and the door swung open to reveal a thoroughly confused Seras, probably wondering why the hell someone from inside the room was knocking to have the door opened. She peered in meekly and gazed at Integra.

"Um, are you all ri-AUGH!" She jumped as Alucard's hand bumped into her foot, then adjusted its course and moved down along the hall, eventually disappearing around a corner after running into the wall. Seras clutched at her chest, her eyes still wide with surprise and fear. "When the hell did we start hiring from the Addams Family!?"

Integra used her desk as leverage as she heaved herself back into her chair, gasping for air and still giggling occasionally. She took her glasses off and wiped the lenses with her coat.

"First off, the hand in Addams Family is named Thing. Secondly, it runs on its fingers, not on its wrist." Integra put her glasses back on, then sniffed. "What smells like smoke?"

Seras looked at the floor to Integra's left. "Well, it could be that fire right there."

Integra's head whipped over sideways, and she regarded the fire for a moment. "Hmm…yes. That's a definite possibility. You might want to do something about that."

Seras sighed, walked over, and stomped the fire out. She picked up a cigar butt that had somehow survived and held it out towards Integra. "Investigation is complete! It is the opinion of this forensic officer that this was the source of the fire, Sir Integra."

Integra blinked and took the blackened cigar butt from her. "That's a possibility." She placed the butt in her ashtray and lit up another. "Do you need something?"

"Uh, no ma'am. I was just walking by when I heard someone knock on that door." She briefly glanced at the door again. "You still haven't told me what that was all about, either."

"Oh, it was Alucard." Integra waved a hand flippantly while puffing on her cigar. Seras winced.

"He's not going to be in a good mood tonight, is he?"

"No, he's not." Integra paused for a moment, her brows knit with thought. "Why are you two up, anyway? It's hardly early evening!"

"Yeah, well, one of the new recruits thought it would be nifty to cook up some garlic coated pasta and some garlic toast to go with it, and the smell is everywhere." Seras crinkled her nose. "It'sdisgusting. It makes it impossible to sleep, so I figured I'd take a little walk and enjoy the art you have."

"Feel free to do that any time." Integra said cheerily before adding under her breath, "You could sure use the culture."

"What was that!?" Seras suspiciously eyed Integra, who just sat back and sighed in response.

"I didn't say anything. Now, if we're done here, I have work to do." Integra smoothed out the letter, which she had been clutching in her right hand the entire time. She then made a show of leaning over so her face was absurdly close to the letter. "Ah! Look how busy I am!" She pointed toward the door. Seras pouted unhappily before stalking out of the room, grumbling under her breath, and slammed the door shut behind her. Integra cringed as she heard wood crack, and rested her head in her hands as she heard Seras call back.

"Sorry!"

With a sigh, Integra forced herself to look at the letter. It couldn't get any worse, could it?

Dear Sir Integra Hellsing:

My dear, how are you? I am fine. Getting bunions in my old age, but I suppose that should be expected.

Integra crinkled her nose in distaste and continued reading.

Well, I was checking my calendar just last week and figured that it's been simply too long since we've had tea and crumpets. I do enjoy spending tea time with you and that strapping young lad. What's his name? He always wears the long red coat and has that shaggy black hair. It must be the 'in' style for the youngsters nowadays. I don't know. I don't understand it at all. What happened to having your hair cut in a respectable fashion and having it combed? I hardly see anyone like that anymore. It makes me a bit sad to think of it. I suppose that's why it would be a lovely idea to have tea! Just make sure to bring that strapping young lad along! What was his name? Oh, never mind. I think I've said this already. Yes, I have! Silly me! Anyhow, just show up at around four o'clock tomorrow, and feel free to bring some finger sandwiches or some other goodies. And that strapping young lad! What's his name? I think it begins with an 'A'. Hm.

Yours Truly,

The Freaking Queen of Bloody England!

The Freaking Queen of Bloody England had drawn a happy face under her signature, and sketched a stick man with a long coat coloured in with read crayon, along with scribbled shaggy black hair on the stickman's abnormally large head. There was a line pointing to it, which said 'What is his name?'. Integra sighed and shook her head slowly.

"I think she's becoming a bit senile…"

Walter entered his quarters and flipped on the lights. He sighed tiredly when he saw Alucard sitting in the middle of the floor, glaring at his own wrist. "Is something wrong, master Alucard?"

Alucard peered up at Walter through the locks of hair that had fallen across his face and held out his arm, pointing at the copper bracelet. "Get this off of me."

Walter examined the bracelet. "Hmm…where'd you get this? It really doesn't match your outfit at all."

"Master put it on me." Alucard growled, his eyes narrowed. "Get it off."

Walter took a step backwards and held his hands up in apology. "I'm sorry, but if Sir Integra put it on you, I'm afraid that I cannot remove it. She's just as much my master as she is yours."

Alucard was seething with rage. He stood up, stomped around the room a bit in a grand display of anger, then proceeded out the door. Walter watched after him for a moment before shrugging his shoulders and turning on his Xbox 360 and picking up a guitar controller for some good old Guitar Hero.

Integra was finishing up some long outstanding paperwork when Walter entered the room purposefully. He stopped in front of her desk and cleared his throat loudly. Integra paused and looked up at him over the rims of her glasses, which was a feat, considering how large her glasses are.

"…come in, Walter."

Walter rolled his eyes and sighed. "Sir Integra, I have to ask a favor of you."

Integra set her pen down and sat up straight from her hunched paperwork position, clasping her hands together and resting them on the surface of her desk. Walter, asking for a favor? What the hell could it be?

"What is it, Walter?"

"Well…"

FLASHBACK

Walter was happily playing Guitar Hero on his little t.v. He was playing one of the hardest songs, on expert, and was just about to finish it when Alucard came in, still peeved about the whole refusing to remove the bracelet thing. Without so much as a glance at Walter, Alucard snatched Walter's precious Xbox, dropkicked it across the room, and stalked out through the door, which was pulled off its hinges as Alucard continued down the hall. Walter was left holding his guitar controller, staring blankly at where his beloved game system had been on its shelf, still in shock. The scraping sounds of Alucard dragging the door behind him slowly faded down the hall.

THAT'S ALL FOR THE FLASHBACK

Integra blinked. "When did this all happen?"

"It can't have been more than two minutes ago."

She nodded in response and lit up a cigar, reclining back into her chair. "So what do you want from me? I can beat him with a silver candelabra, if you want."

Walter shook his head vehemently. "No, no! I want you to remove that bracelet you put on him!"

Integra nodded and smiled warmly. "Not a chance in hell." She sighed as Walter's jaw dropped open. "Look, he's been getting on my nerves constantly, so now I'm teaching him a lesson. Like when a cat scratches your furniture, you taser it."

Walter pinched the bridge of his nose and clenched his eyes shut. "Remember what happened the last time you tasered a cat?"

"It died." Integra replied matter-of-factly. "It took a while for that burnt hair smell to go away, too, if I remember correctly."

"Yes, you do."

There was silence. Integra blinked slowly. "I don't get what the point of that anecdote was."

Walter simply shrugged. "You're the one who brought it up."

"True." Integra ground the end of her cigar into her ashtray and lit up another. "The bracelet stays on."

"No!" Walter was borderline frantic. "If you keep it on him, bad things are going to happen!"

Integra glared at him sharply. "Is that a threat, Walter?"

"Not from me! From him!"

Integra's eyes narrowed dangerously. "ALUCARD!" They both listened as Alucard clomped down the hallway, scarping walls and smashing vases along the way. "Good thing I moved all the real things out of the house years ago."

"I didn't know that!" Walter walked over and closely examined a large portrait that was hanging on the wall. "This one looks real enough."

"I hired people to paint exact replicas. They're not real, but they're sure as hell not cheap."

Walter spun around. "Where did you get the money for that?"

"Alucard had opened up a bank account in something like 1928, so I embezzle money from it from time to time." Integra shrugged. "How do you think I can afford all these cigars?"

Walter just shook his head and watched as Alucard stomped slowly into the room, looking very, very unhappy.

"You called, master?"

"Are you making threats?" Integra frowned at him as he broke off large pieces of the door still attached to his arm and threw them carelessly in random directions.

"Why,no master." He broke off a large piece and threw it at a mirror, which shattered. "Of course not, master." He threw a long, thin sliver at the portrait and hit the picture right between the eyes. "I would never even dream of making threats, master." He flicked at a little piece, which flew through the air and bounced harmlessly off Walter's monocle. "Never." He pulled off another long sliver and embedded it in the back of Integra's chair, missing her head by millimetres. Integra, seemingly nonchalant as ever, slowly turned to look at the sliver. She delicately grabbed it and extricated it from her chair, then turned it over in her hand, examining it. She pursed her lips and looked over at Walter.

"I'm going to have to tase the cat, aren't I?" She opened a large drawer in her desk and pulled out an unlabelled spray bottle. "Come here Alucard." Alucard took a couple of steps forward, scowling darkly. Integra calmly stood up, then held the water bottle out and started spraying liberally.

"BAD Alucard!" Alucard howled angrily and covered his face with his hands. "You know that when you're bad, you get the holy water!" Integra sprayed on with reckless abandon. "Bad! Bad Alucard! You don't threaten! You don't break mirrors! Flicking wood is bad!" Alucard was curled up on the floor, whimpering. Integra gave him a few more sprays, just to be sure, then put the spray bottle back into her desk and sat down. "Bad Alucard. Now go to your room and think about what you've done. You better be good, too, because the Queen invited us over for tea tomorrow. I expect you to be on your best behaviour!"

Alucard climbed to his feet and gave Integra a pained expression. "I wanna got to tea! I'll be good!"

Integra smiled. "And if you're good while at tea, I'll remove your bracelet, okay?" Alucard nodded curtly. "Good. Now you can leave and go to your room."

Alucard crossed his arms and stormed out of the room. Walter looked at Integra skeptically. "You think that's going to work?"

Integra chortled at Walter's obvious stupidity. "Of course it's going to work! It worked before when he started letting his hellhounds shit all over the place, it'll work with this."

"But-" Walter watched as Integra snatched up her pen and hunched over her paperwork until her face was inches away.

"BUSY!"

Walter scoffed. "You can't seriously-"

"I'm seriously BUSY here! Look! Look how busy I am!" She begin to scribble furiously on the page. Walter just sighed in defeat and left the room. After she was sure the coast was clear, Integra sat up and pulled out her trusty DS. "All right, let's see if we can win that championship, McSquiggles Harringbarringterringtinnery!"

Well, there we are. Another chapter done. I don't know if holy water affects Alucard in the series or manga (I don't remember it ever coming up), but it does here, because...because. Yeah. Ahem. Well, feel free to review! It brightens up my day!