Three

It's in the middle of the night now, and those of the company who haven't already been shipped out are sleeping in the tent I'm sitting in, one of the last ones to be removed. I was offered a cabin on one of the ships in orbit already, but I declined and opted to stay behind on the planet for one more night. After so many days out in the open of nearly endless seeming wasteland, I find it hard to even think about sleeping in the very close and very confining quarters of a space ship. It feels as if I need at least one more night to prepare myself for having to stay there for as long as we need to get to Hoth.

Trying to continue writing my report for the maybe tenth time this night, I finally decide to give up and put the datapad away. Sighing without a sound, I stand up and walk towards the tent's entrance. The tent watch is asleep, and I know that theoretically it's my duty as the ranking officer to wake up the Sullustan, but right now I can afford the luxury of pretending to be again Private Jenna Melara, sneaking out of the tent because she can't sleep and just wants to see the stars. And not Captain Jenna Melara, officially leaving the tent to see that everything is alright.

Out in the night, it's cold, and I shiver involuntarily. But it still feels better than being inside and listening to the others sleeping when you know you definitely can't. Walking around a little, I manage to find a pile of crates to sit down and lean back to gaze at the sky. I take a deep breath. Some of those moving bright dots up there in the sky are the ships that will bring us to Hoth, but I want to shut them out for now. I readjust my position. Still moving dots. On one of them, Xanas is sitting and doing… whatever. Angry at myself I move my hand over my face as if to shoo away a fly. I don't care about what he's doing or isn't doing. Honestly.

But it's too late. Already my thoughts have drifted back to the moment I set foot on Tatooine again and the first thing I was told was that I had an orientation briefing with my new Company CO as soon as possible and that one of the people in my platoon was sitting in the brig. Again. When I was told it was Xanas sitting there I almost instantly opted for the orientation briefing. Which I regretted only shortly after reporting to Captain Apatim, a Quarren male. Not because he was such an asshole or something. Apatim, in fact, was a decent officer in the short time I got to know him. No, it was the fact that the first thing I got told was that I obviously now had more than one trouble maker in my platoon. And one of them being Xanas.

Apatim only told me he trusted me to know how to handle that and then handed me the datapad with the recent platoon statistics on it. My expected evening reading. With that I was dismissed and my legs seemed to carry me straight to the brig, even if my mind didn't want to go. Before entering, I took another deep breath, then stepped through the flap. I remembered the first time I'd seen Xanas in the brig, and this was nothing like it. He'd been in there with Korwin and his gang, thoroughly beaten up, but obviously somehow still in a tremendously good mood.

Then, though… he was sitting on one of the crates inside the makeshift cell, his forearms on his thighs, staring at the entrance. At me. In a split-second decision I told the guard to leave the tent – the first time ever I actually pulled rank on someone – and stepped nearer to the cell. I took a closer look at Xanas. A nice shiner was starting to show around his left eye, which only added to the overall grim expression. I forced myself not to take a deep breath and said: "Been annoying people again, Private?"

In the same moment I'd said that I wished I hadn't. I even wished I'd never actually entered the brig at all. On his face there was something I'd never seen before, not even directed to anyone else than me: A sneer. "Disappointed I'm not your little goody-two-shoes toss-around anymore… Lieutenant?" I couldn't help the sharp intake of breath at that sentence. When I'd been in OCS, I'd imagined a lot of reunion scenes. I'd even imagined one where the only reunion that would take place was that I had a last look at his body bag. But I actually never dared to imagine that kind of cold sneering.

For a few seconds I had nothing to return. Then I said: "I'm only disappointed at the loss of your professional attitude. I hear you've been making trouble for over four weeks now. Do you have any sensible explanation for that?" Of course he had. He'd just never admit it.

Without changing the cold expression on his face, he suddenly stood up and came forward toward the barrier. I willed myself to stay rooted to the spot without even flinching when he came to stop right before me, but inside I was shuddering. I'd felt a wide range of things for Xanas before. But never – never – before I'd actually been afraid. In that moment I was.

"You know perfectly well what my reasons are. But you'd never admit it, and you'd never care about them, either. You are so wrapped up in your little new world of commanding that you don't give a damn about me anymore." I was surprised. I knew he was still hurting from what had happened on Chandrila, but I honestly hadn't thought he'd actually admit that. Turned out I should have first heard him out before making assumptions, though. "And of course there are other boys now to play with. Rumor has it…"

That was the moment I snapped. He of all people should have known never do to something like that. In reflex, my hand shot out and grabbed him by his collar through the bars. Maybe it was the surprise, maybe his subconscious told him not to fight me… Anyway, I had him pinned with his face against the bars, with my face directly before him. "I don't know what your mother told you about jealousy and hurt pride, but I'm telling you now what I think about it: Spare me the rumors. And keep all your negative sentiments to yourself if you don't know how to express them properly. That was the last timeever you implied anything like that. Got it, Private?"

By then I'd let go of his collar again, too agitated to be able to hold him any longer, but he'd still remained close to the bars. For some seconds, we were staring at each other, then he said: "Every word of it, Lieutenant. Doesn't mean I'll keep to anyone of them, though." And that was it. I'd not been an officer for a very long time but I certainly knew I couldn't let that kind of insolence get unpunished.

I stepped away from the cell again, and called for the guard. Then I told the Zabrak that Private Farrayn was to be kept at the brig for another three days, and then turned around, not wanting to pass any more time there. Just when I was about to leave through the flap, I heard him tentatively say behind my back: "Jenna, I…"

For a moment, I was so moved at the pleading undertone in his voice, that I was tempted to turn around, tell the guard to leave again and walk over to Xanas, put a comforting hand on his cheek and tell him that everything eventually would be okay again, but then I remembered the way he'd been behaving and just said without turning around: "You will either address me with Lieutenant Melara or Ma'am, Private. Start learning that." And with that I finally went away.

Groaning I move my hand over my face again. I'd gone over that whole conversation for about a dozen times now, every time wondering if there was anything I could have done for it to take a different turn, but I never dare to find a way. Because that would mean I'd done the wrong thing there in the brig. And I can't do the wrong things anymore. Doing wrong things now is very likely to result not only in my death but in that of others as well. I…

"Still being a night person, Mel?" I jump up, my blaster out in a second, aimed at the one who dared to talk to me. Who in turn only holds up her hands and says: "Whoa, Jenna, whatever they did with you in OCS, they certainly boosted your reflexes."

I blink. Shake my head. Put away the blaster. Holy… I almost shot Danna Kreth, my best friend. Trying to look at least marginally dignified, I straighten up again.

"Yeah, well, can't say now that they aren't worth at least a little of their pay." I can see the grin on her slightly illuminated features.

"They actually get paid there? Where can I sign up?" With that the tension in my body has finally eased, and I manage a smile.

"Never actually asked them if they really got paid. They gave us a good run for our money, though." I sit down again, and she decides to sit down beside me. "So," I say, eager to change the topic, "what are you doing still up? Can't sleep? Magic let you out of the tent on your own?"

She grins, then shrugs. "Just wanted another look at the stars before departing." Another smile crosses my face. Again and again I still catch myself at being surprised how alike we are sometimes. Who would have thought that the farm girl from Dantooine turned recon and the rich girl from Chandrila turned screw-up soldier turned officer could ever become friends? After moments of companionable silence, Danna nudges me and says: "So… A Captain, huh?"

A little embarrassed, I rub my neck. "Yeah, who would have thought Private Queeny to make it to Captain in less then two weeks after getting promoted to 2nd Lieutenant, huh?"

She gives me a little shove. "Stop selling yourself short and fishing for compliments. If anyone ever had any doubts that you deserve that promotion, then they should be gone completely by now. You did good out in the Xelric Draw." For some strange reason, hearing that from Danna makes it a lot more important to me than hearing it from Borlin or Oreth might have made it.

I'm still relieved that the dark hides the heavy blushing. To shake off the last embarrassment, I look up at the stars again, and see the moving dots. And of course the first thought crossing my mind is if Xanas is already asleep… Dammit. "Everything okay between the two of you?" A little startled I turn to Danna. We both know exactly who she means, and I can barely suppress a shudder. She's done it before – obviously sensing that something's wrong – but she was never that accurate in determining what my discomfort was about. Or maybe she just felt my discomfort and made a wild guess. Yeah, best keep thinking that. Everything else will raise strange questions.

"We… yeah, of course. Everything is okay." All of a sudden I wish she wouldn't have this knack for being able to get out more of me than I actually want to give away. Because up to now I absolutely didn't want to talk about Xanas to anyone, but already I feel like I need someone to rant about him and all the stuff that's been happening between us and…

"You sure? Because… it certainly didn't look like it." And that's all she needs to say to make me talk.

"Danna, I… we… something happened on Chandrila." She cocks an eyebrow and opens her mouth to say something, but I cut her short. "Not like that. Just… a change. I... We got to know each other better, and I… okay, there was kissing." She grins. Old gossip-queen. "But nothing more. And it was… accidentally. Well, most of it." The grin grows wider. "All of it. But that's not even the point. The point is… we… we were close to… I mean,I was close to…"

She puts a hand on my shoulder, and the grin has vanished again. Ever since that thing in the hospital tent where she managed to tantalize me enough to make me shout at her, she's been behaving a little more cautiously when realizing something is upsetting me. "What happened?"

Over the last few weeks I could shove away all of the sentiments I had about the way Xanas and I parted after the two weeks on Chandrila. There was always someone to yell at me, or some class to attend to or some battle to charge into – always an opportunity to put all that happened behind a wall of duracrete. Now though… there's no one to yell, no class to attend to, no battle to charge into… just a friend who's simply concerned about me. I sigh.

"He… did something stupid. Defended my honor, so to speak. And I… I took that as the point to finally step on the breaks. We'd been bordering on fraternizing all the time, and I just knew we couldn't go on like that. I mean… this is a godsdammed war, and I've got a responsibility to all my people… and I just… I did something really stupid, didn't I?" I'm suddenly annoyed with myself, because the tears start to well up again. So much for "You're an officer, keep yourself in check." Angrily, I wipe my hand over my face.

I feel Danna draping an arm over my shoulders and hug me towards her. "Girl… whatever you did, I'm sure it wasn't the end of the world." In my head I know she only means well and force myself to just let it happen rather than shrugging her arm off. I am able to learn, you know. As well as her, obviously, because she takes it away. Then she says: "What's he saying to all of that?"

I wish she wouldn't have asked, because then I wouldn't have to answer. "Actually… I don't know. Not been talking to him for a while now.", I say, trying to sound casual. But the truth is: I miss him. Terribly. Even more than I missed him in OCS.

And suddenly the whole insanity of this strikes me, and hard. If there hadn't been a war, if we had maybe met on Coruscant in some fancy restaurant or a museum… if he had been a young aspiring doctor and I had been a journalist taking her first steps in the world of publishing… would we have behaved differently? Would I have tried to fend off my own growing feelings for him as ferociously as I am now? Would he have decked my brother like he'd done on Chandrila?

I squeeze my eyes shut tight, and Danna, again obviously miraculously sensing that something's giving me great distress, quietly asks: "Jenna? Are you really okay, what with not talking to Farrayn and everything?"

I can't help heaving a sigh and looking up at the stars as I say: "You know, Danna, they say war's first casualty is innocence, but I beg to differ. Because I think sanity is a hot candidate for that position as well." And it's true. For me this sums up everything that happened around the battle of the Xelric Draw. The hurtful encounter with Xanas in the brig. The sheer unfathomable madness on the battle field itself. My strange experience with dying Tarkker. It all feels like the universe itself has lost its sanity for good.

And beside me, Danna sighs as well, and then quietly says: "I think I know exactly what you're saying." I believe her every word. I really believe that in this moment we understand each other completely, without having to add only one more word. In this moment we both think the same: There are far more kinds of casualties than those which appear to the untrained eye. Our innocence, dignity and our sanity only being three more of them.

A/N: Yep, that was a short one. What do you think?