I don't own Ranma 1/2. I don't even particularly wish to. What would I do with it? oO

Part Two – Sadism, Chivalry, and a Battle of Wills

"So would you?"

"Would I what?"

"Don't play dumb. You know what I mean."

Ranma sighed. "I don't know. Maybe."

"Meaning you would." Akane didn't even try to hide her giggle.

Ranma groaned. "Can't we talk about something else? Or, you know, not talk at all?"

Akane's responded with a snort. "Please. Everyone and their dog knows that you don't handle silence well, Ranma. Besides, this is fun."

"Maybe for you. You don't have to think about yourself naked in front of Happosai."

"Oh, gross, don't even go there."

"Hey, you brought it up."

Ranma and Akane were in town, buying groceries for Kasumi. The oldest Tendou sister had a doctor's appointment – wisely made for a doctor who was not one Doctor Tofu, seeing as he lost any ability to practice medicine (or converse or listen or even think) when he was within visible distance of Kasumi. She had asked Ranma and Akane to do some shopping for her since they had the day off, and they'd had no objections.

Because there had been a general lull in the conversation, Akane had begun posing imaginary scenarios to Ranma. Her latest rhetorical question – "Would you lock yourself naked in your girl form in a tool shed with Happosai for a barrel of Nannichuan? – had been met with undisguised disgust.

"I could always just knock the pervert out," Ranma reasoned, flicking open the shopping list.

"That's true, you could," Akane said, frowning slightly and pushing the cart forward. "Well, that's no fun. How about if your arms are bound?"

"Kami, Akane, are you a sadist?"

"It's a game, Ranma!"

"Well, your games suck and so do you."

She stuck her tongue out at him and continued up the aisle. "What else do we need?"

"How should I know?"

"You have the list, baka."

"Doesn't mean I have to listen to you."

Akane spun around with her hands on her hips. "Look, you said pushing the shopping cart was too feminine for you. You said that managing the list was a much manlier job. So do your stupid job. Stupid."

"Fine, sure, okay, whatever. Tomboy," he added as an afterthought. Akane rolled her eyes. "Rice vinegar."

They wandered up and down the aisles, Ranma lording his knowledge of their goals over his fiancée's head and hoarding the list, Akane taking his behavior with pretty good grace, all things considered. They had a remarkably interesting series of conversations, as the situation well warranted.

"Hey, Akane? Do you know what miso is?"

Akane glared at him. "Gee, I wonder," she bit out sarcastically.

"No, not like that! I know what it is, and I know you know, but… well, what is it really? It's soy, right?"

"Fermented soybean paste," Akane said, pulling a jar down from the shelf and shoving it into his hands.

"Hmm. Doesn't really sound that appetizing." Ranma stared at the label before dropping the jar into the cart with a shrug. "But it tastes good in soup, so what do I know?"

"What you don't know could fill several libraries, Ranma. What's next on the list?"

"Sesame seeds. And shut up about what I don't know, you Ramune-less freak."

When she had made her ignorance of the soda known, Ranma had been so shocked that he demanded they buy some immediately, go outside, and unleash the almighty wonder that is Ramune.

"You peel it off, right?" Ranma had told her excitedly, not bothering with being clear as he demonstrated wildly with gestures. "And then, see, you take this bit off, so you only have this, see?"

"Yeah," Akane said dubiously, looking at the oddly shaped bottle and the t-shaped bit of plastic she was holding.

"And you put this pointy part down in the top, and then you press, and it pushes the marble through, and then it's open. But you have to hold it down very carefully," he said sternly, "and keep holding it down or it'll go everywhere."

Akane snorted. "I think I'll be strong enough to hold down the cap of a soda bottle, but thanks for your concern."

Ranma then deftly placed the plastic bit into the top, and pressed down. And glass marble shot from the top of the bottle to rest in the cinched up mid-section. He counted to five, then took off the cap and took a swig. "See? Easy."

Emboldened by his success, Akane took her plastic bit, placed it just so, and pressed down.

Soda rocketed out in a fizzy diameter from under her cap, the pressure causing it to spray both her and Ranma as they both leapt up, Akane with her hands still on the bottle, Ranma roaring with laughter.

"Shut up, Ranma," she'd snapped irritably, finally trusting the bottle enough to remove the cap and take a swig. She had liked the soda despite herself, and after finishing the bottle she demanded they go back inside for more. Her pride was determined that she would get it right. On her third try, she had.

"Hey, I'm buying some now, aren't I?" she complained, indicating the bottles currently clanking around in her cart.

"Kasumi has 'pocky' down on the list. Pocky? Really? Why does she need pocky?" Ranma paused. "What if she had some sort of secret pocky obsession we don't know about?"

"Kasumi? Are you kidding? She's not really the secret-keeping type, is she? Anyway, it's not for her," Akane finished idly. "Nabiki loves it." With that she headed off towards the aisles dedicated to sweets and confections, Ranma following in her wake. "How many boxes does it say to get?"

"So that's what the 'three' was for," Ranma mumbled. "Still, you have to wonder about Kasumi sometimes, don't you? I mean, she might be deeper than we give her credit for. The way she smiled at me the other day…"

"Oh, kami, please don't fall for Kasumi. Somehow I don't think she could handle the madness." Ranma waved her off impatiently, and a part of her cheered silently that he found the concept so ridiculous. Some very small part of her. Which may or may not have been her heart.

There in that aisle, choosing pocky for Nabiki, Ranma came upon a short stand advertising "Pocky for Men". Akane watched, nonplussed, as his expression shifted from surprise to ill-concealed glee.

"…wow," he breathed, starting to laugh in surprise. "Look at that."

"It's just pocky," she said, not quite hiding her grin at his expression.

Ranma, spurred on by her quiet amusement, pointed dramatically at the stand. "No, Akane. This is no ordinary pocky. This… is man pocky." Akane tried valiantly to stifle her giggles. It was a losing battle. "No woman can comprehend the awesome might of such amanly pocky."

"What can they possibly mean by that?" Akane asked, no longer bothering to conceal her laughter. "I mean, really. What about a cookie can be masculine?"

"Probably its five o'clock shadow."

"Or its inability to ask for directions."

"I resent that," Ranma said, taking a box off the shelf. "Quite a sexist remark, Miss Tendou. And it's not even true. Look at Ryouga: he asks for directions all the time."

"Hardly the same. That's a necessity. It makes him the exception to the rule. And besides, he can't follow them worth a bean. Not even a manly bean."

"Immaterial." Ranma was perusing the ingredient list with mild interest. "The point is, he asks. Look, it doesn't even say why it's a man's pocky. Are we just supposed to take their word for it?"

"We should get it. Just to see."

"Fine," he replied, tossing the pocky into the cart. "But if you grow a beard, the engagement's off."

Eventually they made their way to the checkout, Ranma taking all their purchases to carry them without second thought despite Akane's protests that she should help. When Ranma continued to ignore Akane's attempts to absolve his laden arms for another three blocks, she gave up.

"About time you shut up about that," he grumbled. "I just should be the one to carry this stuff."

"Well, aren't you the chivalrous one?"

Ranma's cheeks pinked very slightly, though Akane didn't notice. "Well, we both know how much weaker you are than me, so…"

"Let's play a game."

"A game?" Ranma asked, nearly dropping the Man Pocky in surprise.

"Yeah. It's called Stupid Ranma Learns to Shut Up. It's a game the whole family can enjoy, I assure you."

"Thanks, but I'll pass. The poor world doesn't deserve the punishment that removing my voice from it would be."

Akane started to laugh but stopped herself and just ended up somewhere between a snort and a hacking cough. "We could always pick up where we left off in my game from before…"

"Oh, no. I won't play your sick game anymore. Your imagination is screwed up."

"You only say that because you're afraid of what I'll do to you in those scenarios."

"Unless we're talking about your cooking, tomboy, there's no way you can scare me."

Suddenly she stopped. Ranma blanched inwardly. 'Fucking brilliant, Ranma.' Steeling himself for her ire, he was caught terribly off guard when she suddenly leaned towards him, looking up at him from beneath her sooty eyelashes.

"Oh, I don't know, Ranma," she purred, her eyes bright and intense. "I think I could make you nervous."

Three. Two. One.

Akane's words sunk in, and Ranma's face was suddenly scorching. All at once, Akane burst out laughing, though the blush was obvious on her face as well. She turned and skipped away, leaving Ranma blinking and holding his purchases limply.

"From now on, I'm going to try to joke around more, okay?"

Suddenly Ranma wasn't so sure Akane's newfound interest in joking was a good idea. Ignoring the almost frightening lurch in his stomach at her suggestive proposal, Ranma started walking again, quickly catching up to her. As they strolled side by side, he chanced a look at her face. Akane's eyes were glinting in the worst – or best – way, and her smile hadn't yet faded; as he watched, he could almost swear it was growing…

"It's rude to stare, you know."

He rolled his eyes. "Forgive me for being surprised."

She giggled. "I got you pretty good, though." When Ranma shrugged and feigned an unimpressed look, Akane raised her eyebrows. "Oh, come on. My timing was good and it was clever. Better than you could've done."

"Keh. No one's cleverer than me. I would own you, if I was trying."

"It's no good, Ranma. I'd never enter into a battle of wits with you. I don't fight against the unarmed."

"Oi!"

Akane took off running down the road, laughing as Ranma pursued her, a chorus of familiar name calling swimming between them. Somehow it was lacking the usual sting that went behind it.

- - -

When they got home, breathless more from their laughter than the run, they were surprised to see Nabiki waiting for them at the door.

"Took you long enough," she scowled at them. The telltale glint of humor in her eyes reassured them that she wasn't really that upset with them. "Get lost on the way to the grocery store?"

"I'll leave that sort of idiocy to Ryouga," Ranma quipped. "We did get you pocky, though."

"I should hope so." Nabiki held her hand out imperiously. "Give."

Ranma rolled his eyes but complied, detangling the bag containing the pocky and handing it over. "But leave the Man Pocky. That's for me." Nabiki raised an eyebrow at the gleeful look that passed between her little sister and her sometimes fiancé.

"Did I miss something?" she asked.

"Nothing important," Akane said, taking back the bag. "But something wholly masculine, we hope." The chuckles from Ranma's direction caused both of her eyebrows to shoot up behind her bangs.

"Okay," she said, clutching her pocky to her chest. "Whatever you two are up to, I want no part of it. And if it involves elopement, doubly so. Costly, that."

Matching cases of embarrassed flush met her quip. "Oh, come on, Nabiki! It isn't like that!" Akane protested.

"Sure. Enjoy that villa on the edge of denial, sis. I hear Egypt is lovely this time of year." With that Nabiki sauntered off, leaving a slightly awkward Ranma and Akane in her wake. With an attempt at a casual shrug by both parties, they headed off towards the kitchen. However, the kitchen counter was cluttered with pots and pans, which Kasumi seemed to be in the middle of polishing.

"Darn. Spring cleaning," Akane murmured, peeking in over Ranma's shoulder.

"What do we do now?" Ranma asked, shifting his bags a bit in his arms.

"It's too crowded in here. We should put the groceries in your room until she gets home," Akane said, still from behind him. "There's more room in there." As they carried their purchases in, Akane looked around speculatively. "You know, you didn't have to keep the place so spartan. There's nothing in here but your bedrolls and packs!"

Ranma shrugged. "You get used to living on the road. The ability to just pack up and leave is something that sticks with you. You have to be ready to go at a moment's notice."

"Hmm." Something flashed through Akane's eyes, an emotion that Ranma didn't have time to place before it faded and she dumped the bags in the corner. "I wonder if Kasumi left anything for lunch… I really don't feel like cooking."

"It's a relief to us all."

Akane threw him a nasty look and stuck out her tongue, but smiled a little, too. "I could always change my mind, and then where would you be? Right back where we started."

"Well, not the beginning, exactly. At least you aren't freaking out about me calling you names anymore."

"You know, Ranma," Akane said, raising an eyebrow, "there was a time before you came along that no guys ever called me names. Ever. I was the single most wanted girl in Furinkan. But no, then you had to come along and claim me in front of the whole school-"

"Claim you?!" Ranma spluttered, his face turning an acute shade of pink.

"-and now," she continued, as if he hadn't interrupted at all, "I'm stuck with a boy who throws insulting nonsense words at me all the time." She let a look of terrible chagrin cross her face. "Oh, what has become of my life? To have fallen so far, Akane… tsk, tsk."

Ranma's jaw was hanging open just a little bit, so Akane stepped forward with a small grin and pushed it upward with one finger.

"I'd say I won that battle, eh, speechless boy?" And then she laughed and spun away in the direction of the stairs, leaving a once again spluttering Ranma in her wake.

"That was… that wasn't… I challenge you to a rematch!"

"Sore loser!" she giggled from the top of the staircase, and her footsteps faded towards her bedroom. "Akane: two. Ranma: nothing!" Not to be outdone, Ranma ran to the foot of the stairs.

"Tomboy!"

"Keep telling yourself that!"

- - -

Ranma Saotome. The best there ever was. The teenaged martial arts master and heir to the Saotome School of Anything Goes Martial Arts. A natural at almost everything he touched, Ranma was acerbic, stubborn, arrogant, condescending, irrationally jealous --- every single thing that women swear they never want in a man.

So why did it feel like half the population of Tokyo wanted him?

That was the problem with Ranma Saotome. He was more than his ego. He was generally a very nice person. He was kind to his friends and respectful to people he thought deserved it. There was something about him, something open and honest around his face, something that made girls fall for him without thinking twice.

It didn't hurt that the open and honest face was also gorgeous. Ranma had chiseled features and an easy smile – whether it was a grin or a smirk – and appallingly gorgeous blue eyes. The years of brutal martial arts training had made his body lean and muscular.

In short, he was hot and easy-going and available. His faults were pretty damn forgivable, by most standards.

Available, of course, is a relative term.

A man with three fiancées is hardly readily available.

Ukyou Kuonji sighed. She didn't really doubt that Ranma liked her – he had openly referred to her as his "cute fiancée", right from the moment he'd realized she was a girl. In the time since, she managed to pretty much tamp down the voice that told her that he'd said that mostly to rile up his other fiancée, Akane. She was cute. He did like her. They were old friends, after all.

Standing at her sizzling grill, the okonomiyaki chef wondered how Ranma was doing. He'd been a little… frosty with her, since the failed wedding. She supposed she might have gone a tad bit overboard, what with the bombs. She was just too scared to go and ask him if he forgave her, not when he was the strongest fighter she'd ever known, and a little hot around the collar lately. And there was a small part of her that didn't want to go to the Tendou house, to see how comfortable Ranma was there, to remember the wedding that almost was, to see the way he looked at Akane…

She frowned and slammed some dough on the grill. What was she thinking? Why did she do that? Why did everyone always assume something between Ranma and Akane? She did it, too, and it infuriated her. She'd even tried to break them up with the Tunnel of Lost Love – what was she trying to break up? They were less of a couple than most figure skaters.

Weren't they?

Ukyou shoved those thoughts aside. It didn't do to let herself be plagued by doubts. She had to look on the bright side. There was always a bright side, after all.

At the chiming of bells, Ukyou looked up and warmly greeted her customers. Here was her bright side. Loyal customers, good money, a solid business at the age of sixteen. That had to be something, didn't it? How many people could claim that?

'I ask myself too many questions,' she scolded herself quietly. Firmly turning her attention to her hungry clients, Ukyou set aside all doubt and wondering, and did what she did best: she cooked.

Author's Notes: I'd apologize for the delay, but who the hell am I answering to? XD February is never kind to me. Ahh, this chapter is fun, mostly because I've slipped in a couple of obscure references. And look, the wonder duo is learning a semblance of normal human interaction. Aww. I love the Ramune section, where Ranma goes all stern on her. He's adorable. :P Also, I almost directly quoted a fanfiction author I used to read ages ago. This is the bob of my hat to her, and the joy she brought me at the time. If she ever reads this, I hope she recognizes it, and understands what her writing meant to me, at the time. Major thanks to Kiwi and Wobbles, my betas, without whom, this would be the limp flaccid work of an idiot.

I won't compel you to review. However, it does feel awfully nice to get them.

What? Sleep? Who needs sleep?