Code Name Huck
Free Range Huck
(Opening credits. Cut to the office halls as Huck is surrounded by potential betters.)
Better #1: Hey, Huck...Huck over here Huck!
Better #2: What are the odds on Jesse Williams Taylor Junior Horse?
Huck: Please, please, no-ladies and gentlemen, all questions will be answered very soon, until then you all think for yourselves who to pick for this Saturday's horse racing and remember, 10 bucks and over is fine and dandy like sour candy.
(Everyone walks off as Craig walks in.)
Huck: Hey boss, how are you going?
Craig: Fine...there has been less secret agent work lately.
(Cut to a terrorist holding a guy at gunpoint outside. Cut back inside.)
Craig: The lousy F.B.I is taking all the work.
Huck: S'pose is a good thing.
Craig: Yeah...why was everyone giving you money before?
Huck: Why people were giving me money...I'm a charity case.
Craig: You better be retarded, because if you're running an illegal gambling rig, you're gonna get your ass kicked!
Huck: Really?
Craig: Yeah...I kinda thought that was put out on the table.
Huck: Yeah...don't worry, I'm uh...
Craig: Retarded?
Huck: Yeah, retarded...retarded like you said.
Craig: Oh...want some money?
Huck: Now why would I want money?
Craig: Because...because you're retarded.
Huck: I know I'm retarded, but just because I'm retarded doesn't mean I need money...like what would I need money for?
(Pause.)
Craig: Being retarded?
Huck: Maybe, I don't know, so...what's your bet on Saturday's horse race?
Craig: Um...I'm probably shouldn't be saying this, but I'm allergic to retards.
Huck: What?
Craig: I found out that when I met Tom Cruise in America.
Huck: You're gonna get sued!
Craig: No, I'm not.
Huck: It's true, you're going to get sued!
Craig: I'm not going to get sued.
Huck: Don't worry, being sued isn't the end of the world.
Craig: (sneezes) I'm (sneezes) not (sneezes) getting (sneezes) sued!
Huck: Did you just sneeze on me?
Craig: Yes, because I'm allergic to your kind...
Huck: You're allergic to dogs?
Craig: No...retards.
Huck: Oh, really?
Craig: Yeah.
Huck: I'm actually not retarded.
Craig: What?
Huck: That was a lie to cover up the fact I'm running an illegal gambling rig...
Craig: I knew it!
(James walks in.)
James: Knew what?
Craig: Huckleberry over there is running an illegal gambling rig?
James: It's against code regulations.
Huck: What are these code regulations I've never heard of these regulations.
James: They regulate the "Evil Alliance" code to help ensure that efficiency is high and not destroyed by "tom foolery"
Huck: Tom Foolery, I know that guy.
James: No you don't.
Huck: If I don't, how come I've got his name tattooed on my ass!
(Pause.)
James: What?
Huck: What, what?
James: What the what?
Craig: Stop saying what!
Huck: Uh...what?
James: Yeah...what?
Craig: You just said what again,
Huck: Who said what?
Craig: You said what!
James: Okay...okay...maybe, maybe we should stop saying "what".
Craig: Could you say it in "retardnese"?
James: Huh, why?
Craig: Huck over there is a retard.
James: No his not.
Huck: Damn straight I'm not, I am.
James: Who's not I am?
Huck: Tom Foolery.
(Pause.)
Huck: The guy I got his name tattooed on my butt.
James: Why did you get someone else's name tattooed on your ass?
Huck: Because Tom Foolery is my best friend.
James: No his not.
Huck: Maybe you're not.
James: I bet he doesn't exist doesn't he?
Huck: I bet you don't exist.
Craig: That doesn't make any sense.
Huck: What doesn't make sense, Chinese sweatshop workers?
Craig: Who...what?
Huck: You know, I tried to ask them to make sense and apparently "it's impossible to actually "make" sense".
James: Of course it's hard.
Huck: Yeah, yeah...I know that now.
James: You know that how?
Huck: How does anyone know anything?
Craig: You need to shut down your rig Huck.
Huck: What rig? The rig I started off with my Chinese sweatshop workers and I pretended to be retarded so I can pass it off as a charity case?
Craig: The very one.
Huck: Yeah well...I don't know Tom Foolery.
James: I knew it!
Huck: I know him through my rig.
James: What...but you just said?
Huck: I also said I used mustard to seduce my now ex-girlfriend but I didn't.
James: You liar!
Huck: It's a lying world you know James.
James: That's Smith to you.
Huck: Smith, James what's the difference?
(Pause.)
James: That's James Smith to you.
Huck: Yea, yeah...right Smith.
Craig: You must develop plans of how to shut down your rig.
Huck: What rig? Oil rig?
Craig: No, your gambling rig.
Huck: What's a rig?
Craig: You do know because you have one going!
Huck: No um...I don't know because I'm retarded.
Craig: Oh, are you now.
Huck: Yeah, retarded to the bone.
James: His just lying so you can forget the gambling rig problem?
Craig: He doesn't know about a rig is!
James: He does know and I'll prove it...
(Huck punches James to the ground.)
Craig: Good boy.
Huck: Damn straight I am.
James: You just punched me!
Huck: You're still conscious!
(Huck repeatedly punches James and then stops.)
Craig: That Smith was always a problem on you retards.
Huck: Yeah, so...how much money do you want to give to me?
Craig: Yeah well...
James: His just lying to you!
Craig: You're still awake!
Huck: I thought after the last beating you'd be in a coma!
James: I've got robot brain.
Craig: That's why James is always mean...his a robot.
James: I'm not a robot.
Huck: His a cyborg.
James: Yeah...I suppose.
Huck: This is why we must burn him to a stake!
James: What, why?
Huck: Cyborgs are like witches, bitchy and mean!
James: I'm not bitchy!
Huck: He admits it!
James: Admits what?
Huck: You're a robot!
James: What?
Huck: Okay, who wants to bet how long before Smith's going to fry to the ground!
Craig: Gambling rigs are illegal here, Huck!
Huck: I'm retarded.
Craig: Oh, okay...go about your business.
James: Can't you see his milking people out of their money!
Huck: And how.
Craig: You heard the blue dog, his mentally retarded.
James: No his not!
Huck: Shut up Robo-agent!
James: Hey...shut up.
Huck: You just shut up Smith, why hasn't anyone got the stakes yet!
(Pause.)
Craig: Oh, right...me right?
Huck: Yes you.
Craig: Right.
(Craig backs away and stops.)
Craig: Where's the local stake shop?
Huck: What do you mean?
Craig: I mean...where do I buy it?
Huck: There's some stakes in the basement.
James: Don't you dare boss, if you burn me Huck is just going to prey on greedy schmos!
Huck: I'm retarded.
James: No you're not!
Huck: Maybe you're not!
James: That doesn't make sense!
Huck: So does your face!
James: So does your mouth.
Craig: So does the basement!
(Pause.)
Huck: What does basement?
Craig: I saw a monster in the basement.
Huck: No you didn't.
Craig: You don't know!
Huck: You've been staying there the whole time!
Craig: Maybe so, but I'm a chicken!
(Pause.)
Huck: You're...you're...what chicken?
Craig: In my mind.
Huck: Go get the stakes!
James: I can't believe how crazy you are!
Craig: I can't believe James is a cyborg!
(Cut to Huck eating butter.)
Huck: I can't believe it's not butter!
Craig: What?
James: How come you get butter?
Huck: Got it from my good friend "Tom Foolery" when he lost the horse racing bet.
Craig: You got butter!
James: I can't believe you.
(A man wearing thick glasses walks up to Huck.)
Man: Hey Huck, I can't pay this week.
Huck: What?
Man: I...well, I betted against Quick Draw McGraw and I lost.
Huck: Really?
(Huck turns on the TV as Quick Draw is being interviewed.)
Interviewer: So Quick Draw, how do you feel about your loss?
Quick Draw: Just off.
Interviewer: Excuse me?
Quick Draw: Just, just...piss off I don't feel like talking.
(Quick Draw walks off as James turns the TV off as Huck is paving cement on the man's feet.)
Man: What are you doing?
Huck: Putting your feet in cement, funny isn't it?
James: What is this going to prove Huck?
Huck: Scaring him to pay.
Man: This isn't scary...just feels funny!
(Huck repeatedly whacks the Man over the head with the golf club.)
James: Why did you do that?
Huck: You're still alive! Craig get the stakes!
James: Don't let Huck do this, his gone insane!
(Huck whacks James over the head with a golf club.)
Craig: Um, isn't that assault?
Huck: This is what I say to your codes and regulations!
(Huck raises his rude finger up at Craig.)
Craig: Isn't that rude gesture?
Huck: Is that supposed to hurt?
(Huck whacks Craig over the head with a golf club.)
Huck: Take that!
Man: Oh man my head hurts.
Huck: Damn straight it should.
Man: Thank you "Free Range Huck" for making me realise the error of my ways!
(James gets up.)
James: What error, you did nothing wrong.
Huck: Oh no.
(Huck drops his golf club and punches James then Craig gets up.)
Craig: Oh no!
(Craig punches the man in the cement.)
Huck: Oh no again!
(Huck punches Craig as Quick Draw walks up behind him.)
Quick Draw: Oh no!
Huck: Don't!
(End credits.)