(Opening credits. Cut to Huck walking up to a vending machine.)
Huck: (singing) Oh my darling, oh my darling, oh my darling Claritine!!
(Huck puts a dollar bill through the vending machine and it comes out.)
Huck: Grrrrrr!
(Huck bangs the vending machine repeatedly as Craig walks over to him.)
Craig: Hello Huck!
(Canned audience laughter and applause.)
Huck: Hey Craig.
Craig: So, getting a drink from the vending machine, eh?
Huck: Yeah.
Craig: That's good, that's good. Someone's trying to steal a diamond to hack into the main computers of Alcatraz so they can use it as a base to make secret weapons of mass destruction?
Huck: This isn't some practical joke like "Saddam Hussein"?
Craig: No, no...no.
Huck: So, what do I have to do?
Craig: Wouldn't have a clue.
(Pause.)
Craig: I mean, uh...you have to help out an agent from UNCLE.
(Huck starts drinking a latté.)
Huck: Yeah, where's that?
Craig: Atlanta.
Huck: We live in Atlanta.
Craig: I mean near that damn "Adult Swim" that won't accept my ideas for anime! Anime is teh a wesome!
Huck: Yeah...(beat) whatever, I'll be leaving now.
(Huck walks off as James walks in.)
James: What was that about?
Craig: The first law of alchemy is equivalent exchange!
James: What?
Craig: InuYasha!
James: Boss, what are you...
(Craig kneels down and starts sniffing James' ass.)
James: Craig, what are you...
Craig: See you next time, space cowboy.
James: Craig!
(James slaps Craig.)
Craig: Okay, I'm better now.
James: What was that about?
Craig: Oh, I'm just a fan of anime.
James: Anime? What's that?
Craig: You don't know what anime is, thou shall be killed!
James: Isn't that Japanese ani...
(Craig pulls out a shotgun, cocks it and shoots James.)
Craig: What have I done? I've killed enough living soul! Aaaah!
(Craig points gun at himself as the scene drifts off as a gun shot is heard. Cut to "UNCLE" headquarters. Cut inside as Huck walks in.)
Huck: Hello, is this UNCLE?
UNCLE Boss: Hello, do I care?
(UNCLE Boss coughs.)
Huck: Yeah...so I came here.
UNCLE Boss: Wait a minute...what's your name?
Huck: Huck.
UNCLE Boss: Chuck?
Huck: Huck.
UNCLE Boss: Puck.
Huck: Huck.
UNCLE Boss: Suck?
Huck: No.
UNCLE Boss: Nuck?
Huck: Huh?
UNCLE Boss: Luck?
Huck: You're making no sense, it's Huck.
UNCLE Boss: Muck?
Huck: Who's...what are you talking about?
UNCLE Boss: Truck? Snuck? Ruck? Tuck? Duck? Buck? (BLEEP)?
Huck: No, it's...(sighs, beat) Huck.
(Wally Gator walks in.)
Wally: Someone was expecting me?
Huck: No.
UNCLE Boss: (BLEEP), this is your partner Wally Gator, trained in seventeen different styles of mortal combat...I hate that game. And his smart enough to make a guy's head explode for an utter, random reason and his a method actor from his time at Hanna-Barbara Studios in the '60s in America. Oh and he likes ponies.
Huck: It's Huck!
Wally: Nice to meet you.
UNCLE Boss: Yes, get to meet each-other...by touching each other.
Huck: Excuse me.
Wally: His a bit like that sometimes.
UNCLE Boss: I'll just be standing here, doing nothing...not even breathing or moving...or possibly also not blinking.
Wally: Did you hear?
Huck: Hear what?
Wally: About the dumb mission we have to go on?
Huck: Of course I have, why would I be here then?
Wally: Delivering pizzas.
Huck: I'm not a pizza delivery man!
Wally: What, now where's my pizza?
Huck: You're pizza...is on the stove, I'll go get it.
UNCLE Boss: Oh...someone's being cranky.
Huck: Who's talking to you?
Wally: Go get my pizza, dog!
Huck: I found that racist!
Wally: So is your face!
Huck: C'mon, let's go.
(Huck and Wally walks off. Cut to the Wally's cubicle.)
Wally: This is my workspace.
Huck: It is?
Wally: Yes...yeah it is.
Huck: It smells like crap.
Wally: So do you.
Huck: I smell like dog crap, there's a difference.
Wally: That you smell worse.
Huck: Exactly.
Wally: Well, we have to get working on the case.
Huck: Oh, was I supposed to bring my briefcase?
Wally: Um, no you were...
Huck: I was wasn't I?
Wally: No you weren't!
Huck: Shut up, I'm overreacting!
Wally: Don't tell me to shut up!
Huck: Yeah, well...you touch yourself at night.
Wally: Excuse me.
Huck: I said...you touch yourself at night.
Wally: I know you do.
Huck: Wait, why are we fighting?
Wally: I don't know, all I know is, you provoked it.
Huck: I provoke everything, don't I?
Wally: Probably.
Huck: C'mon, I've had enough of smelling your cubicle, let's get to work.
Wally: What's wrong with my cubicle?
Huck: It...smells.
Wally: Smells better then you.
Huck: I know, but...it still smells.
Wally: Well, c'mon let's research the going-ons at Alcatraz so we can catch those attempted-terrorists, damn diamond trying-to-be-snatchers.
Huck: Okay, to be my cubicle.
(Cut to Huck's cardboard box.)
Wally: This...is your cubicle.
Huck: Yeah.
Wally: It's small.
Huck: Yeah.
Wally: It's a box.
Huck: Yeah.
Wally: It's a cardboard box for that matter.
Huck: Yeah, I have to join up the high ranks before I get an actual cubicle.
Wally: Okay, so you don't want to research in my cubicle because...
Huck: It smells.
Wally: And you don't see the problem of researching in a cardboard box?
Huck: Nope.
(Pause.)
Huck: At least it doesn't smell.
Wally: But it's small!
Huck: Small is smell without the 'e', with the 'e' is bad. You got that?
Wally: Okay, whatever...our mission was planned to go ahead...seven minutes ago!
(Cut to Alcatraz. Inside Wally and Huck are walking in the dank, dark closed prison.)
Huck: Man, France sucks.
Wally: Shut up, we're here.
Huck: I know, just saying France sucks.
Wally: You barely know the place.
Huck: I know the place well enough to know I'm allergic to cheese!
Wally: Whatever, we're on our mission.
Huck: We are, this...this is my first mission, why didn't anyone tel...
Wally: Listen, okay you were asleep and...
(A man in a coat walks up to them.)
Man in Coat: Hello Mr. Gator and Mr. Hound.
Huck: Hello Man in Coat.
Man in Coat: Charmed.
Huck: You watched that show too?
Wally: Listen, we're here to take you down!
Huck: I'm here to take down cheese!
Wally: Okay, Huck's here to take down cheese, I'm here to take you down!
Man in Coat: You'll never get me Mr. Hound!
(Pause.)
Huck: I'm not after you.
Man in Coat: Wait, I thought the blue dog was Mr. Gator?
Wally: No, I am.
Man in Coat: Oh okay then...you'll never get me Mr. Gator!
(Dramatic chord.)
Wally: What are you going to do, huh?
Huck: Do you have cheese?
Wally: What, who...
Man in Coat: Why?
Huck: Because you have cheese, and if I was you, and I was me at the same time I would use cheese to take me down.
Man in Coat: Okay, who has cheese?
Huck: I thought you'd have cheese?
Man in Coat: Why would I have cheese?
Huck: I thought because...usually the bad guys have cheese.
Man in Coat: I'm allergic to cheese!
Huck: Really, so am I!
Man in Coat: Small world.
Huck: Yeah.
Wally: Hello, serious business here.
Huck: What type of cheese?
Man in Coat: Oh, any kind of cheese.
Huck: No kidding, so am I!
Man in Coat: Small world, huh?
Huck: Yeah, yeah.
Wally: Mission here.
Man in Coat: Oh will you shut up!
(Man in Coat grabs out gun and starts shooting Wally.)
Man in Coat: Yeah, so...how you're going?
Huck: Oh fine.
Man in Coat: Yeah, yeah.
Huck: Hey, how come it looks like Wally's been shot at.
Man in Coat: Because...he was annoying us?
(Pause as Wally continues being shot at.)
Huck: You don't shoot people who annoy you, you annoy them back!
Wally: Stop shooting me!
Huck: Man in Coat, I think that's enough.
Man in Coat: This gun is stuck.
Huck: How can a gun be stuck?
Man in Coat: I don't know!
Huck: Well, you tell me!
Wally: Shoot shooting me, I'm in absolute pain.
(Wally slips and falls on the ground in a puddle of blood. The gun shots stop.)
Man in Coat: Well...that was odd.
Huck: You son of a...
(Gun shots start firing at Wally again then they stop.)
Huck: You son of a...
(Gun shots start firing at Wally again then they stop.)
Huck: Listen, you killed my partner in this mission! Now...I think, should I kill you?
Wally: I'm not dead quite yet.
Huck & Man in Coat: SHUT UP!
Huck: Now, you must die!
(Huck grabs out his gun and starts shooting at Man in Coat.)
Huck: Take this! And this! And some of this!
Wally: Looks like a one-ride ticket to Hell, it's so cold...so cold!
(Wally coughs out blood while Huck continues shooting Man in Coat.)
Wally: Goodbye...cruel world.
(Wally lies down dead.)
Huck: You killed Wally! You killed him! You killed Wally!
(Huck stops shooting as Man in Coat falls down in another puddle of blood.)
Man in Coat: Oh man, so cold...so red.
(Huck kneels down.)
Huck: I hope you enjoy your stay in Hell you bastard!
Man in Coat: Before I die...I want to say something.
Huck: What's that?
(Huck stands back up.)
Man in Coat: I hope you die...a peasant's death.
(Man in Coat dies.)
Huck: Well, at least no one will commit cyber-terrorism.
(Pause.)
Huck: I can't believe you killed Wally.
(Pause.)
Huck: That was my job!
(End credits.)