Chapter Six
Downhill All Over Again or The New President
Daffy and Bugs decided to not release their fake photos that would give Shrek a bad name. This was because after its first week of being released, it went down to second place in box-office profits, and then to third, due to stiff competition from "Pirates of the Caribbean III." It was also getting negative reviews. The hunt for the vandals that tried to sabotage the movie also died down. From then on, it seemed like smooth sailing, until…
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" Daffy's scream of rage echoed throughout the desert neighborhood.
Daffy was angrily banging his head on the wall in Wile E. Coyote's bedroom. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" Daffy hollered again.
Wile E. was trying to calm down the frustrated duck. "Look, at least you got to be on TV for quite a while."
"I know…" Daffy said. "It's that lousy, stupid, idiotic boss at Cartoon Network! He hates us! He hates us SO much, he decided to pull our classic films from the schedule all over again! Well… how is Bugs taking it?"
"Terribly," the coyote told Daffy. "He shut himself in the basement and won't come out."
Down in the basement of the house, Bugs Bunny was muttering to himself. "Stupid Boomerang… stupid Cartoon Network… stupid boss… stupid Sander Schwartz… stupid Pixar… everything's going downhill again… gotta do something about it…" Suddenly, he grinned evilly. He got a bad idea. "I'll fake my broken leg to da Crap-toon Network boss! Den he'll HAVE to put my films back on Boomerang!"
…
Bugs and Daffy were hiding in the bushes near the Cartoon Network building. "Are you sure this is gonna work?" Daffy asked Bugs.
"Positive!" the rabbit said. "I'll trick him into thinking I got injured due to de cancellation of my show, and when he sees dis, he'll just HAVE to bring back my films!" Then he wheeled out of the bushes in his wheelchair. He had his now-fake cast on. "I'm gonna have to go through da back door so dey don't notice me."
So he did. There was a door that was left open by a staff member and Bugs Bunny was able to quietly wheel into the building. Like last time, the place was eerily quiet. Bugs was able to avoid the security cameras. He slowly walked up the back stairwell, briefly taking off his cast and carrying his wheelchair up the way, and then putting it all back on when he got to the top floor. Bugs rolled over to the boss's office and knocked on the doors.
With a big creak, the huge doors slowly opened up. Bugs began pretending to be in extreme pain as he wheeled himself into the office.
"Oh no…" the Cartoon Network boss said, his face still in the shadows.
"Yes…" Bugs moaned. "You pulled my cartoons from your Boomerang schedule again… and NOW look what happened to me!"
The boss said, "I'm pretty sure you just injured yourself. But how would we banning your cartoons from our networks be the cause of this?"
The rascally rabbit thought up a lie, and began, "It all started on a nice morning. But den, a thug from Cartoon Network comes, tells me dat dey pulled me from da schedule again, and DEN he grabbed me, tied me in a big sack, threw me down a rocky hill, den I landed in de water, which led to a big waterfall! I fell down de falls, and den crashed into dese sharp rocks at da bottom! De impact sent me over to a big harbor, where I got run over by a cruise ship! Luckily, da coast guard saw me, rescued me, and den dey gave me dis cast and wheelchair."
"A likely story…" the boss began. Bugs smiled in hope, until the boss said, "but I am going to have to check if my thugs really did such a thing to you."
"I'm dead," Bugs whispered to himself, then he shouted, "NO! Don't call da thugs! Dey REALLY DID IT! I'm a witness! Take it to da courts!"
But it was too late. The boss picked up the phone and dialed, but he did not call his thugs. He called the Betty Rubble Center! "Hello? This is the Cartoon Network boss. Right now I am talking with Bugs Bunny, who claims to have been beaten up by a thug of mine, resulting in a broken leg that he got a couple of weeks ago… He did break his leg? …I thought so, but… You mean it wasn't a thug that did it, and he had his cast removed a month ago?!… This is an outrage!" Then he hung up. "You lied to me. And you know what I do to Looney Tunes that lie to me…" he menacingly told Bugs Bunny.
…
Outside in the bushes, Daffy said to himself, "I wonder how well it's going."
"NO! DON'T DO DIS! YOU GOTTA BELIEVE ME! WE CAN WORK OUT A DEAL! PLEASE!" Bugs's voice echoed from the top floor of the building.
Wile E. Coyote zoomed right near the building and skidded to a stop. "I must be too late!" he said.
A window opened on the top floor, and Bugs Bunny, complete with his cast and wheelchair, came flying from the window! He fell to the ground, screaming on the way. A big crash was heard when he hit the sidewalk. The wheelchair was totally mangled, and the cast opened up, revealing its hinges.
"I should've known this was going to happen," the coyote said.
Daffy added, "And YOU keep trying to stop us! Don't tell me you're AGAINST our plans!"
Wile E. explained, "I DO want our films back on the air, but what you guys are doing is not the right way to do it. So far, you've set the Cartoon Network stars up as illegal Russian soldiers, then you tried to rant at Pixar, and you got tossed out the window by the CN boss many times, and you tried to ruin Pixar's computer systems, AND you tried to sabotage the success of…"
"SSSH!" Bugs put his gloved paw over Wile E.'s mouth. "Ix-nay on the Ek-shray! We could go to prison!"
"Maybe Daffy and I shouldn't have busted you out of prison in the first place!" Wile E. argued.
"Oh yeah?" Bugs shouted.
The coyote said, "Right here!"
Bugs added, "Now!"
They both pounced at each other and went into a big cartoonish fight cloud, with punches and other bad sounds coming from it. They were squabbling at each other in an unintelligible manner.
"Uh, guys?" Daffy asked. "GUYS!!!" he screamed. Bugs and Wile E. stopped fighting.
"We WON'T give up! We CAN'T give up! We WON'T give up!" Daffy boldly told the two.
"You mean we 'SHAN'T give up'," Wile E. Coyote corrected.
"Shut up, I'm on a roll here," the duck said. "We will NOT surrender! We will continue the war with Cartoon Network, AND Pixar, AND Sander Schwartz…"
Wile E. said, "Uh, Daffy, I have some news about Schwartz. I will tell you back at my house."
…
Later, they locked the door at Wile E.'s house. The coyote let out the big news. "Listen, guys. Scooby-Doo told me that Sander Schwartz might be retiring from Warner Bros. Animation very soon."
Bugs and Daffy gasped in delight. "YA-HOOOOOO!" they shouted and jumped.
"This could be the best news of the year!" Daffy said, obviously overjoyed.
"It could be!" Bugs agreed. Then he said "Ya-HOOOOO!" again.
Wile E. Coyote just couldn't help it. "YA-HOOOOO!" he sang and hopped up in delight.
In a minute, all three of them were jumping up and yahoo-ing. They were so happy they forgot about their cancellation from TV for a bit. They danced, and slapped hands, and laughed until their sides ached.
Daffy, wiping a tear of joy from his eye, said, "I'd better call the gang and tell them the good news!" He ran over to the telephone and dialed. "Hello, Porky? It's me, Daffy. Pass on the good news! Sander Schwartz might no longer be president of Termite Terrace!"
"Ee-ah-O-OK, Daffy." Porky hung up, then picked up the phone again and dialed Sylvester. "Hello, is t-t-this Sylvester?"
On the other side of the line, Sylvester jumped with joy at the good news. He then proceeded to call Tweety, whom then called Lola Bunny, whom called Pepe le Pew, whom called the Tasmanian Devil, whom made a long-distance intergalactic call to Marvin the Martian, who also made a long-distance call from Mars to Yosemite Sam, who called Elmer Fudd, whom called Foghorn Leghorn, whom called Henry Hawk, whom then called Hubie and Bertie, whom called the Goofy Gophers, whom called Witch Hazel, whom called Granny, whom then called Beaky Buzzard, whom called Private Snafu, whom called Charlie Dog, whom called Ralph Wolf, whom called Sam Sheepdog, whom called Sniffles, whom then called Speedy Gonzales…
"…maybe they'll get us back on TV. I've always wanted to be on TV. I hope the new WB president is nice. Why do they call him a president? He doesn't run the country or live in the White House. Maybe he will live in a white house. Why do they call it the White House? Something more official would have been nice, such as the hall of the president. But there'd be more than one hall in the house. I hope I appear in another movie, like Space Jam. But why did they call it Space Jam? It didn't take place in space and we didn't jam. And be sure to tell the next person you call the good news about Schwartz." Sniffles then hung up.
Speedy Gonzales sighed a big sigh of relief from the long call Sniffles just made. Then he dialed another number. "Hola, ees thees Senor Cool Cat? I have Bueno news! The loco Senor Sander Schwartz, he will be retiring as preseedent of Warner Bros. Cartoons!"
"Like, who is this Sander Schwartz guy?" Cool Cat asked on the other side of the line. "I haven't worked for Warner Bros. Animation since 2000, man, and that was before Schwartz's time, whoever he is. So adios, baby." He hung up.
…
"Well guys," Daffy told Bugs and Wile E., "the word has been spread. All the Looney Tunes are happy to know that Schwartz may be leaving!"
Bugs added, "I guess it's smooth sailing for us from now on."
"I wouldn't be so sure of that," the coyote told his friends. "Pixar is releasing 'Ratatouille' later this month, and to my knowledge, it will instantly become a box-office smash, and will be really popular while we become forgotten. Worse yet, it could be another 'Finding…"
"DON'T SAY IT OUT LOUD!" Daffy warned.
Wile E. said, "Oh, sorry. I know how traumatic it was how that movie, as well as Pixar, endangered our jobs."
"Yeah," Bugs added sadly. "I also heard dat de new president of Termite Terrace is gonna be a woman!"
Daffy was surprised. "A WOMAN? Then she'll HAVE to treat me us well! Ever since Schwartz, WB Animation has been doing too many action shows and less comedy. Anyways, I hope everything will go well with her in charge…"