(Opening credits. Cut to Huck wearing a Saudi Arabian robe while riding on a camel in the Saudi Arabian desert)
Huck: (thinking) I ride on my camel as I see Saudi Arabia, I see the happy townsfolk…
(A male citizen stabs a female citizen and sets her on fire and runs around her throwing salt in the air. Cut back to Huck.)
Huck: (thinking) The playful animals…
(Cut to a tiger, a zebra, a camel and a lion lying on the ground around a bong.)
Tiger: So………how's the hammer hanging?
Zebra: I'm a girl zebra.
(Cut back to Huck.)
Huck: (thinking) I laugh and think…….this is Saudi Araba-ia. Then there are those good-for-nothing terrorists and the fact they have no beer is very suspicious. That is why I'm here, to stop all those damn terrorism cells and….things.
(Cut to a Saudi Arabian man riding on a camel behind Huck.)
Saudi Arabian Guide: Mr. Hound, your hotel up north.
Huck: Thanks Claameyeraclameyerclalaclafuckda (pronounced: cal-a-meyer-a-cal-meyer-cal-cal-cal-fu-ck-da).
Saudi Arabian Guide: My name is Greg.
Huck: Yeah, yeah, I've been around Saudi Arabia before.
(Cut inside a hotel as Huck and the Guide are at the front desk.)
Huck: I'm with the E-VIL ALLIANCE! I'm with them, I demand a free room!
Greg: He can't understand English.
Huck: When I'm here, you learn to speak my language Mr. Foreigner.
(Brief silence.)
Huck: That's better.
(Huck takes the keys and walks off as Greg walks up to Huck and follows him.)
Greg: You cannot take the keys!
Huck: Can and did.
Greg: You got to put those keys back before he calls the police.
Huck: Yeah, right, as if his going to call the police.
Greg: Well you didn't pay your fees.
Huck: So?
Greg: So…….I can see why the Evil Alliance shipped you off here to do this mission instead of someone more competent.
Huck: I am competent; the Evil Alliance made me do this because they want me to get into the big time action.
(Cut to the halls of the "Evil Alliance" with signs reading "Huck's Gone Party" with a drunken Craig wobbling back and forth.)
Craig: Okay, okay, okay, okay……..
(Craig falls down as everyone walks down at him.)
James: You okay Craig?
(James kicks Craig's head.)
James: He looks pretty bad.
Bill: His faking!
(Cut back to the halls of the hotel in Saudi Arabia.)
Huck: You remind me of a guy I work with he always gets on my back about things. I think his name's Quinn, or Frylock, or James, or Moltar or some piece of crap.
Greg: Listen, you can't roam around like you own the place.
Huck: NO you listen, I'm here to find terrorists and that's what I'll do!
(Huck grabs a pamphlet)
Huck: Now tell the hotel I want this, drink called The Cat, sounds interesting.
Greg: You know, that is just cat pus.
Huck: Really?
Greg: Mainly, the pus is from cats that died from….uh, AIDS.
(Huck starts laughing)
Huck: Cats with AIDS, now I've heard everything. Give me the drink.
Greg: Okay. You're the boss.
Huck: Damn right I'm the boss, not Bruce Springsteen or Judith Light or that Tony Danza, but me!
Greg: Who is…..?
Huck: Get me the damn cat pus!
(Cut to Huck's hotel room littered with coconut containers.)
Huck: Whoa, that cat pus, whoa, addictive stuff.
Greg: We're gonna die of Cat AIDS now, but damn it, it's worth it.
Huck: (laughing) Cat AIDS, now I've heard everything.
(Huck grabs a lamp and starts humping it.)
Huck: Man this cat pus is making me damn horny, where's the babes you hear about on the ESPN.
Greg: Whoa, hold on, listen we're here to stop terrorists, not (BLEEP) every woman we see, okay?
Huck: Especially if she were fat.
Greg: What?
Huck: You know, you wouldn't want to screw a fat woman.
Greg: Listen, I'm going to get out and get me some more cat pus, you stay here.
(Greg walks out as an elderly maid walks in.)
Huck: You're looking good for your age.
Maid: I'm 89 and I'm a virgin.
Huck: Time to get deflowered, elderly woman.
(Cut to Greg at the drink stand.)
Person at the Desk: And you want cat pus?
Greg: Yes, cat pus.
Person at the Desk: You know what these cats died of right?
Greg: Yes, Cat AIDS.
Person at the Desk: No, Cat Hepatitis C.
Greg: Oh well…..give it to me anyway.
Person at the Desk: I think the cat pus also includes trace amounts of cat pus.
Greg: Just give me the cat pus.
Person at the Desk: Yeah okay……..oh I think there's also some urine in the…
Greg: CAT PUS! Right now!
Person at the Desk: Mind you if I give you….zombie cat pus?
Greg: Whatever!
(Cut back to the hotel as Greg is carrying a large jar of cat pus as there are heaps of elderly women standing outside Greg and Huck's hotel room.)
Greg: What the Hell is going on?
Maid: OH! Baby, I love you.
(Greg walks inside and sees Huck in bed with an elderly lady.)
Greg: MOM!
(She pants as Huck is breathing in and out.)
Greg: Are you (BLEEP)ing my Mom?
Huck: Was, gave it to her doggy style too.
Greg: And did you (BLEEP) every other women outside.
Huck: Yes, this cat pus, made me so damn horny. We all took in turns.
Greg: You do know this all means we all have Cat AIDS now, right?
Huck: Cat AIDS!
Greg's Mom (Maid): Oh Huck baby, I love you.
Huck: I know you do.
Greg: Did you screw anyone else?
Huck: Yep…..everyone, well except guys I mean yeah, but I don't know what was in the cat pus but made my libido go through the roof.
Greg: Oh really?
Huck: Yep.
Greg: It made my libido go up too but I just jacked off.
Huck: Not the same.
Greg: So….you screwed my mother?
Huck: Yep, she was a demon in the sack.
Greg: You bastard, you gave my mother Cat AIDS.
(Greg tackles Huck out of the window and they roll off to a army tank.)
Greg: I've got…
Huck: DIBS!
(Huck runs off and jumps in the tank, the missile goes up and starts up as Greg looks at it.)
Greg: Okay, okay, okay, you win!
(The missile points straight at Greg.)
Huck: (V.O) I win what?
Greg: Everything! Just don't shoot!
(Greg runs off as Huck follows him with the tank.)
Greg; Don't shoot!
(Huck pops out.)
Huck: You don't think I would shoot you, Claameyeraclameyerclalaclafuckda, ol' buddy?
Greg: (panting) It's….It's...(gulps) Greg.
(Huck climbs out and lands on the ground.)
Huck: Okay, what do I win?
Greg: You….that was a figure of speech and…
Huck: Listen, you said if I don't shoot, I'll win something.
Greg: No I didn't.
Huck: Well, something to that effect. Where's my winnings?
(Cut to the hotel room full of arcade games, pinball machines, a movie theatre system, a Ferrari is on display in the background as it cuts to Huck playing video games on a PS2 as Greg is lying in a cat's litter box.)
Greg: Okay, why do I have to lie in kitty litter?
Huck: Because with all of this kickass stuff you bought me there is absolutely no room for you anymore.
Greg: (V.O over shot of his bed) But that's my bed over there!
Huck: I know, but we ran out of cat pus so we're infecting cats with numerous diseases as we speak so we can milk it, then sell it to people and use the money to buy more drinks of infected cat pus. And uh, that's were the cats are all gonna sleep in.
Greg: (V.O) And where are the cats being milked?
Huck: In the army tank which I put in the bathroom.
(Cut to the army tank in the bathroom as a group of cats' screaming meows is heard. Cut back to the main room.)
Greg: Who's milking them?
Huck: I trained one cat to do all the milking and he'll teach all the other cats how to milk each other.
Greg: That's the most stupidest plan ever, there's cat pus at the lobby if you just get off your (BLEEP)ing ass and get some.
Huck: I said…….we ran out and I'm sticking to it!
(Cut to a cave with a campfire as three shadows are talking to each other.)
Man in Shadows #1 (V.O): We go to the US Embassy tonight, no?
Man in Shadows #2 (V.O): Yes, if only Bob remembered to bring the dynamite?
Bob (Man in Shadows #3) (V.O): Okay, I did!
Jimmie Walker: (V.O) Dynamite!
Man in Shadows #1 (V.O): Where did that guy come from?
Jimmie Walker (V.O): Duh-duh-duh-Dynamite!
Bob (V.O): He doesn't have a shadow, he must be Blacula!
Man in Shadows #2 (V.O): Blacula, will you join…..OUR TERRORIST GROUP!
(The camera pans quickly to reveal three terrorists with Jimmie Walker (who first appeared in "Huck's Brother" to dramatic music.)
Bob: Shut the hell up Steven!
Steven (Man in Shadows #2): You shut up.
Jimmie Walker: Dynamite!
Bob: Okay, Blacula's in.
Jimmie Walker: DYNAMITE!
Man in Shadows #1: SHUT UP, DO YOU WANT TO GET CAUGHT!
Bob: Why don't you shut up Jim?
Jim (Man in Shadows #1): No……..(to himself) you (BLEEP)head.
(Cut back to the hotel room Greg is now lying face down in the kitty litter as a cat is doing it's business on it's head while it's reading the paper as Huck is drinking, what he believes to be yellow vodka.)
Huck: This strangely yellow vodka is delicious!
(Greg quickly gets up.)
Greg: Don't drink that, that it's my collection of goat urine!
Huck: What…
(Huck vomits.)
Huck: Suck me off both ways and call me Betty, why do you have a collection of goat urine and why is there cat on your head?
Greg: I can explain the goat urine, um….in my previous life…..I was a goat and I peed in jars so when I "thought" I was going to be reincarnated as King of the Seamen, I would remember that was I goat…….the...that pissed a lot.
Huck: Ha! You said semen!
Greg: No…….not "semen", Seamen!
Huck: Haha! There you go again.
Greg: Seamen! Seamen! I like Seamen!
Huck: Do you like swallowing seamen?
Greg: I suppose you know esp……oh real mature.
Huck: Why would you want to be ruler of male fluids anyway?
Greg: I mean the seamen, the seaman that goes out to see.
Huck: Okay.
(Beat.)
Huck: You're a cannibal. You said you like swallowing sea-men.
Greg: No I'm not.
(Beat.)
Huck: Well, you smell like cat (BLEEP) .
Greg: So you're mocking me now.
Huck: Yeah, because you got cat crap in your head.
Greg: First off, on. And second…
(Greg pulls out a light-saber as the screen goes letterbox format as Huck pulls out a gun and shoots Greg. The screen then goes to normal format.)
Huck: Did that hurt so good?
(Beat.)
Huck: Greg?
(Greg's spirit raises up to the sky as he ends up in Heaven as he meets up with Buddha as there is a wheel with choices for reincarnation on it. Heavenly music plays.)
Greg: Buddha? But, I worship Muhammad!
Buddha: Yeah, you can't show Muhammad on TV, so that's what I'm here for.
(Buddha points to the wheel.)
Buddha: Now, it's time to play…
Audience: (chanting, V.O) WHEEL…….OF…..REINCARNATION!
(Heaven turns into the Wheel of Fortune set as Pat Sajak walks out on stage as the theme plays.)
Buddha: (V.O) With your host……Pat Sajak.
Pat Sajak: Hello, this is Pat "What the (BLEEP) am I doing in Heaven?" Sajak, with today's guest Claameyeraclameyerclalaclafuckda!
(The audience claps.)
Greg: (over applause) It's….it's….Greg.
Pat Sajak: Now, Claameyeraclameyerclalaclafuckda all you got to do is spin the wheel and the wheel decides what you get reincarnated as now.
Greg: Okay, here we go.
(Greg spins as it lands on "King of the Seamen".)
Greg: KING OF THE SEAMEN! Yes!
(Greg floats down yelling in excitement.)
Pat Sajak: Let me just say right now folks that the "A" is a typo.
(Cut to an airplane as Huck is sitting down on a seat with lots of luggage.)
Huck: Well, that vacation sucked donkey balls……at least the damn airport could have done is allow me to bring my army tank with me with the cats and the missiles inside.
(Cut inside as cat is about to touch a button with it's paw, it then does and a thousands of missiles are launched off. Cut to the US Embassy as the three terrorists and Jimmie Walker are standing nearby as Dracula (with moth-wings) flies up to Jimmie Walker.)
Dracula: Come here, Blacula!
Steven: Wait, Blacula don't go!
Jimmie Walker: Dynamite!
(Dracula flies off with Jimmie Walker as a missile hits them and they explode.)
Jim: NOOOOOOOO!!!
Steven: Did those wings look glued on to you?
Bob: How could this day get any worse?
(Cut to the border of Saudi Arabia as explosions rock the country. Cut to the Evil Alliance as Huck is standing before his co-workers (the sign "Huck's Gone Party" now has the gone crossed out and on top of it, it says "Back".)
James: So Huck, did you defeat the terrorist group?
Huck: What, hold on……I was supposed to stop terrorists?
James: That was the whole point of sending you to Saudi Arabia.
Huck: Oh…..it was too. How is that place going anyway?
James: Apparently the whole country got blown up and now it's no more.
(Beat.)
Huck: So……that's a good thing right, no more terrorists or women oppression?
(Beat.)
James: No
Huck: Oh….
James: And guess who caused the explosions?
Huck: Don Immus?
James: Someone who stole an army tank and then put cats in there so they can milk each other so that certain someone can make some drinks. You have any idea who THAT could've been?
(Beat.)
Huck: Those smartass cats?
(End credits.)