Code Name Huck
Changes
(Opening credits. Cut to Huck holding a bible in James' cubicle.)
Huck: Awww yeah.
James: Hell no!
Huck: Awww yeah.
James: Hell no!
Huck: Awww yeah, that's right brothers……I've found religion.
James: And let me guess, you want a God Week otherwise if we don't celebrate you will kill us.
Huck: What do you mean, nigga?
James: Nigga? Oh well, uh, you know….you have found religion before and it didn't end too well.
Huck: What do you mean my brother from another mother?
James: Yeah, half of the Evil Alliance was killed because of you.
Huck: Nope…….don't remember.
James: Really? It only happened a couple of months ago.
Huck: Well obviously we're okay now, cause we're in…
James: Huck!
Huck: ……yeah?
James: Is that gold cap in your tooth.
Huck: Yeah, well what are you doing to do about it, white devil!
James: What religion……have you founded……exactly?
(Cut to an African-American church with the churchgoers are singing and swaying as Huck (wearing a basketball singlet, a gold necklace, sunglasses, backwards cap, and jeans) and James are at the front row.)
Priest: (up on stage, singing) And the lord said.
Churchgoers: (singing) The lord said…
Huck: And the lord said!
James: You joined an African-American church!
Huck: I believe the PC term is "black" church, honky.
James: But your not black!
Huck: I'm black….my ears are black.
Priest: STOP! I see a white devil in the mercy of God's place.
Huck: Oh hell, if anyone asks……you're my butler.
Priest: Stand up white vanilla boy!
(James stands up.)
Priest: That's right, vanilla ice! Marshmallow boy, color of semen!
James: What.
Priest: Get the hell out of here boy or we'll kick your ass, this is for blacks only, go to Hell you white cracker honky nigga!
James: I found that racist!
Priest: Yeah, racist as the white man who went off and took our land.
(Silence.)
James: We didn't take your land, it was the Indians land, you were slaves on our ancestor's plantation.
Priest: Yeah, that's what I said! I was getting to that! Now listen, we went through hell, we had to go to concentration camps in World War…
James: That was the Jews.
Priest: Ge-ge-get your white ass out of here boy, or we'll throw it out, hear what I'm saying!
(The rest of the congregation boos James as he walks out. Cut to the water cooler at the Evil Alliance.)
James: And they all booed me out.
Chris: Weak.
Ross: Super weak.
Bill: Super dupe….
James: I get it! The point is, I don't like the crowd Huck has fallen into to, he has to learn to not judge a person by his skin…
Chris: Thank you preachy Alan Alda, I learned that in How to Kill a Mockingbird.
(Huck drives in a pimped-out car as he walks out with the outfit he had on in the church with women walking out after him.)
Huck: How's it going…….crackers?
James: Where did you get all those beautiful women?
Huck: Huge black penis, get one sometime, whoops I'm sorry you don't have a huge black penis, because you're not black.
James: You're not black either, you're blue!
Huck: I found that racist, you white vanilla chocolate ice cream.
James: What?
Huck: C'mon fly honeys.
(Huck walks off with all the women.)
Fly Honeys: HOOOOO!
Craig: (over intercom) Huck Hound, could you please come to my office, Huck Hound.
Huck: Don't worry ladies, I'll be back.
(Huck walks off. Cut to the office as Huck is sitting down near Craig's desk.)
Craig: Ah, Huck.
Huck: Yes.
Craig: Because, there's been some uh, interesting developments in the Evil Alliance, we're getting more agents, and frankly.
Huck: Fire me! Oh that's rich.
Craig: To be honest Huck, you killed more people then stopped…….people……from killing.
Huck: Listen Warburton, I worked my father(BLEEP)ing ass off at this place and this is how your repair me, you RACIST!
Craig: Huh? What! Excuse me?
Huck: You're just jealous because I get all the ladies because my penis is bigger then my and your fists combined…
Craig: Huck, I've never seen a penis on you.
Huck: Because if you did look, you would be gay.
Craig: Hu…
Huck: Da-da-da-duh! I will get you for firing me, you racist pig…….me and my black friends, you'll see!
Craig: Huck, you're not being fired because of the color your skin your being fir…
Huck: Because of the color of my skin, I know……I will get your Craig Warburton.
(Huck walks off. Cut to the church support group with Huck sitting in a round circle with other black people.)
Huck: And he fired me, based on the color of my skin.
Priest: Listen Huck, I would be lying if I said I was on his side because statistics show black people are fired everyday, and who's their bosses, the white man!
(Black man walks in.)
Black Man: Maybe it's because you're all bad at your jobs.
Priest: Shut up you self-hating black.
(Priest blows a spear in his neck.)
Priest: We must drive the whites out of this devil's town, starting with a Mr. Craig Warburton.
Black Man in Support Group: But how.
Priest: Oh, I know how.
(Cut to a flaming T on Craig's front lawn with a group of people in black-colored KKK costumes, one of them is Huck and the Priest.)
Group of Black Men: Black power! Black power! Black power! Black power! Black power!
(The REAL KKK walk in.)
KKK: White power! White power! White power…..
(Priest pulls out a machine gun and kills all of the KKK.)
Priest: We are the new KKK, the PBS….the Pissed Black Supremacists!
Rest of the PBS: YEAH! BLACK POWER! BLACK POWER! BLACK POWER! BLACK POWER!
(The PBS walk off. Cut back to the church. As Huck is now wearing a pimp outfit, with a pimp hat and cane. The Priest is on the podium talking.)
Priest: This is why the black man is more superior to the white man. Now brother Huck, did you remember to bring the condoms in extra large.
(Cut to forklifts bring them all in.)
Huck: What do you think, my nigga?
Priest: Brother Mike, did you bring the torch.
Mike: Yep.
(Mike stands up with his flaming torch.)
Priest: Richard Nixon and His Band of Merry Men?
(Cut to Richard Nixon in a Robin Hood outfit with Robin Hood's merry men dancing to cheery music.)
Richard: (singing) Because I'm a drunken sailor, getting drunk, nothing like sticking my junk in their trunk!
Merry Men: (singing) Oh HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Richard: (singing) We call the big man Little John, because his penis is small, smaller then a tick, you would need a super advanced electron telescope to see it…
Merry Men: (singing) Oh HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Richard: Give it up for the Mexican pirate.
(The Mexican pirate walks on stage.)
Mexican Pirate: Argh, senior.
Priest: Okay, grease 'em.
(A black man walks in with a flame thrower and sets them all on fire.)
Richard: (melting along with the rest) We only wanted to entertain.
Priest: Where were we, oh right. Tonight, it's our time to get back at the white man for stealing all our black ass, so now we tap on their white ass, consensual or non-consensual.
Black Man with Flamethrower: So……rape?
Priest: The Standards and Practices rather call it "non-consensual" sex but okay, rape is good.
(Black Man (the one with the spear through him) walks back in.)
Black Man: I thought it was the other way around, black guys stealing all the white ass….
Priest: Grease that aunt(BLEEP)er!
(Black Man with Flamethrower sets him on fire. Cut to Heaven as three angels, one white woman, one black woman and one white man. God walks in with a bottle of booze with a dog on a leash.)
God: Here is the telecom with Charlie on it.
(Cut to the intercom.)
Intercom: Good morning angels.
Angels: Good morning Charlie.
Intercom: Today, a group of black men are planning to kill and rape white women and kill all the men; it's your job to stop them before it's too late.
Angels: Yes sir Charlie.
(All three of them walk off.)
Intercom: Hey idiot, it's a intercom not a telecom.
(God grabs out a pistol and shoots the intercom. Cut to a parody of the Charlie's Angels opening credits.)
Narrator: They were brought here as angels so they can preach God's good will and do things like make people better people people. We have Andy (picture of Andy), Tress (picture of Tress) and Rowena (picture of Rowena), they are…….Charlie's God's Angels that touch people.
(Cut to fourth angel who is a woman with glasses in jail.)
Fourth Angel: I took that "touch people" thing a bit too far.
(Kids rush in and point and laugh and throw dodgeballs.)
Kid: Fatty, fatty fat fat.
(Star wipe to the forest as a woman walks by and a tree with eyes and a mouth stops here in her tracks. The tree grabs it's vines and wraps it all around her ala Evil Dead.)
Woman: No….no…
Tree: Oh yes.
Woman: No, no…
(She then grabs out pepper spray and sprays his eyes.)
Woman: No means no!
Tree: What the Hell you crazy bitch!
(Zoom to the end of the forest with the group of black people from the Church, and Huck in the forest with guns around a campfire.)
Priest: Any moment now….
Huck: When's those women coming?
Priest: Any moment now…
Huck: Did you hear me…
(Rowena appears.)
Rowena: (with Irish accent) Hello, I'm…
Priest: A white person get her!
(All the black people dog pile on her as Huck is still sitting on the log, brandishing his shot gun, wearing a hunting hat.)
Huck: Any moment now….
(Andy appears.)
Andy: Hello…
Huck: Whitey!
(Huck shoots Andy.)
Huck: Damnit white niggery niggas.
(The Black Man (from earlier that has a spear threw him and on fire) walks back in, exhausted.)
Black Man: Niggas is a very derogatory term…
Huck: Self-hating black…
(Huck shoots him. Tress floats down.)
Huck: It's one of my own.
Tress: (starts glowing) I am Tress, an angel sent by…
Huck: What? I must be on pot or something, because I see an angel.
Tress: Listen Huck, God knows you're a good person, but doesn't like the bad direction you're taking…
Huck: What? Since when has anyone considered me a good person?
Tress: Yeah, I think God was having a little too much (makes "drinky, drinky" motion) at the time if you ask me but still, you must get out of this group as it's bring you nothing but trouble…
Huck: But the white man keeps screwing over the black man…
Tress: But……wait, you're right. The white man does keep screwing over the black man. No, no…..what you are doing is wrong…
Huck: No, before I was naïve and thought the whites were on our side and then I found a poster reading: "Whites not all cracked up to be, Go to church on Main Street on Sunday for more info" and that is how I got involved.
Tress: Listen, God…
Huck: God doesn't have anything to do with this!
Tress: But God….
Huck: God this, God that, God doesn't fit into very (BLEEP)ing situation you know.
(Silence.)
Tress: Yeah, I know, it's just on that teleprompter over there.
(Cut to a camera man in the woods facing their direction, back to Tress and Huck.)
Tress: Truthfully, I think you're right. God doesn't fit into everything.
(Cut to God in Heaven drinking beer with a bong in one hand with his dog eating "Scooby Snacks" on the bed God is lying on.)
God: Yeah, I do.
(Cut back to Tress and Huck.)
Tress: You're right, blacks do get screwed over by whites.
Huck: Yeah, I mean black guys be all like "Yo dawg" and white guys be all like "Yo dawg…was…was that black enough for everything".
Tress: (chuckles) You know what…..I'm in.
Huck: You serious.
Tress: Yeah.
Huck: That's great, tonight's a good night to we're going to resurrect our lord and savior.
Tress: Who's that?
Huck: Jesse Jackson.
(Cut back to the church as James and Chris walk inside.)
James: Huck…….Huck…..Huck?
Chris: It doesn't look like anyone's in here.
(Cut to a shaman standing near a fridge in the middle of the rows.)
Shaman: Look James and Chris, a sticky note reading of where they all are, it appears they….
(Shaman then starts vomiting out blood.)
Chris: It appears they are vomiting out blood?
Shaman: That's not it, you fool (continues vomiting blood)
(James walks up to the fridge and grabs the sticky note.)
James: (reading) Michael, if you find that six-pack of beer, we're at the woods planning to kill whites and rape their women and also to resurrect our lord and savior Jesse Jackson?
(Dramatic sting.)
James: Oh my God!
Chris: I know. We have to go to the woods and stop them.
James: No, I mean, I didn't even know Jesse Jackson was dead. But what you said was good too. We have to find them and stop them.
(Silence. The Shaman continues to vomit out blood. He then vomits blood on the walls; the blood then starts to read "To Be Continued". End credits.)
Stay tuned for the mediocre conclusion in the next chapter
Keep checking for Chapter 12: Changed (Changes Part 2)