Code Name Huck
Renaissance Dogs
(Opening credits. Cut to the Renaissance fair as Craig is sitting on a throne dressed as the King with a sword with James and Huck wearing knight armor as they are kneeling down before him.)
Craig: (stands up) I declareth you, Sir James (dubs James) and Sir Huckleberry (dubs Huck) you as the knights shall protect me from danger and serve as my honorable knights.
(Craig sits back down as people clap as James and Huck stand up.)
James: Craig….
Craig: That's Lord Warburton to you.
James: (sighs) Lord Warburton, if I could just break character for one minute.
Craig: Minuteth.
James: (sighs) Yes, minuteth, whatever…….where is supposedly this criminal we were sent down to find and capture?
Craig: Begth pardon?
James: The criminal………the reason us three are all here.
Huck: I thought we were here because we had nothing else better to do.
Craig: Oh, that serial criminal……….yeah, here's over near that…….Nirvana tribute band somewhere.
(Craig points to a stage as knights with rock equipment are singing.)
Nirvana Tribute Band: (singing) Turnth lights out, entertainth us, turnth lights out, entertainth us, I feel stupidth and contagiousth. (stops for a moment as music stops) we are…….Madonna…….not-th.
(Cut back to the throne.)
Craig: Now build me a castle.
James: But we're here to capture a criminal, aren't we?
Craig: Yeah, I suppose………..but we're here to build a castle as well.
James: Why?
Huck: I thought it was a serial criminal?
Craig: Well, the castle would be just a trap for the criminal…
Huck: Serial.
James: And the castle would lure him, how?
Craig: Him-she.
Huck: Him-she?
Craig: Yeah because he cut off a set of boobs and plastered it on his chest, this guy's a real bastard.
James: Oh my God…..did he cut off boobs from a real woman?
Craig: No, worse. A mannequin, to get back at his parents for giving birth to him before they got married. Like I said, he's a real bastard.
James: Okay then……..so look out for a guy with plastic boobs….
Craig: That don't have nipples.
James: What?
Craig: Yeah, see he also loves cutting off mannequin nipples and putting them on pizza and saying it's pepperoni.
Huck: What did he do to become a criminal……nay, a serial criminal and how come you know so much?
(Silence.)
Craig: (stands up) Castle building time!
(Cut to Huck pushing a wheelbarrow full of bricks as James is bricklaying them all and only the bottom bit of the castle is done.)
James: This doesn't feel like Evil Alliance work at all.
Huck: And if I pull another muscle in my back, I will call Worker's Comp.
(A knight walks up and whips Huck.)
Huck: Agh (BLEEP)! Damn, suck me off seven times and call me Timmy……that hurts!
Knight: The Lord wants you to work faster for preparation for his castle.
James: But it's just trap for a criminal.
Huck: Serial criminal.
Knight: Oh yeah, well………."The Lord" is the name of the guy you want to trap in.
Huck: How would you know?
Knight: Um……..ugh…..well………how would you that I don't know!
Huck: Well I think you know him in one way or the other.
(Silence, the Knight repeatedly whips Huck.)
Huck: Go whip James, his a masochist!
(Cut to Craig sitting on the throne in the middle of the dinner table as many of his servants are sitting along with him.)
Craig: Drink deep within Christ's blood.
(Silence.)
Vassal #1: I ain't drinking this.
Craig: But I'm the Lord, you must do what I say so drink the blood of Christ.
Serf: If this is the blood of Christ, is this chicken the body of Christ?
Craig: Yeah, it is.
Serf: I'm no cannibal; I ain't eating no one's body even if some Lord tells me to.
Craig: Damn it, drink and eat it, I'm the (BLEEP)ing Mix Master Shake!
(Silence.)
Serf: No, that ain't happening.
Craig: Guards seize him.
(Chris and Ross walk in.)
Chris: Hey, serf's up! Get it, because his a….
Ross: Serf, yeah I know.
(Chris and Ross take the Serf off as Craig stands up angrily.)
Craig: Chris and Ross, come back here!
(Chris and Ross walk back in.)
Chris: What is it?
Craig: You're wearing your normal everyday clothes.
Ross: Yeah, so.
Craig: Shut up Russ….
Ross: (overlapping) Ross.
Craig: …….I'm talking to Chris.
Chris: Does it matter; it's just a renaissance fair.
Craig: Just a renaissance fair, how about I put you two in the dungeon and then throw away the key into the bin, then the garbage men will pick it up and put it in the dump where seagulls will pick at it, would you call it a renaissance fair then?
(Silence.)
Chris: Yes.
Craig: That's it, zombie guards, seize him!
(Two zombies of Chris and Ross walk in.)
Zombie Chris: Zombie eat brains!
(Zombie Ross slaps Zombie Chris over the head.)
Zombie Ross: There's no nutrition in brain!
Zombie Chris: No calories either.
Zombie Ross: Besides, eating brains is like eating meat and I'm a vegetarian.
(Silence.)
Zombie Chris: Do you beat your meat? Ha! Get it, it's a….
Zombie Ross: Masturbation joke, yes I know.
Zombie Chris: I…..(tranquilizer dart hits Zombie Chris's neck).
(Silence.)
Zombie Ross: BRAINS!
(Zombie Ross runs off.)
Craig: Wait, come back here, Chris and Ross are right here….
(Cut to a blank spot where Chris and Ross were standing.)
Craig: At least they were.
(Craig looks over at his table as everyone is gone.)
Craig: No, everything's ruined!
(Craig runs off as Dracula is drinking all the glasses of blood. Cut to Huck and James sitting on the ground as they drinking "Deer Beer - 100 Made Out of Real Deer".)
James: Do you even think there is a serial criminal? I mean, we haven't seen any pictures of him, the only name that's been given to us was "The Lord" and Craig seemed to be making up that story of his as he was going along.
(A zombie Jesus hops in.)
Zombie Jesus: I'm Zombie Jesus!
(Silence as Huck goes into his pocket and grabs out a pistol and shoots him.)
Zombie Jesus: Damn.
(Cut to the Renaissance fair as everything is on fire as Craig is walking around.)
Craig: My kingdom! My precious kingdom! All ruined! Wait….
(The camera pans to Chris and Ross sitting on the ground drinking "Deer Beer - 100 Made Out of Real Deer".)
Craig: (V.O) I see you two!
Chris: Oh crap!
(Craig runs after them.)
Craig: I'll send you two to execution for destroying my kingdom!
(Cut to Zombie Ross lying on the ground, smoking from a bong.)
Zombie Ross: Whoa……..I'm like…………..whoa.
(Cut to see laughing pineapples with top hats running up to him.)
Zombie Ross: LAUGHING PINEAPPLES WITH TOP HATS!
(Cut to the Nirvana Tribute Band, now zombies on fire.)
Nirvana Tribute Band: (singing) St-st-st-st-stutter rap!
(Cut to Huck fighting Zombie Jesus as James looks on.)
Huck: You son of a bitch!
Zombie Jesus: Get your blue ass off of me!
(They flip off in the air and into a wrestling ring as they begin fighting again as two commentators in a table are commentating ringside.)
Wrestling Commentator #1: Huck is pounding fists with Zombie Jesus.
(Zombie Jesus flips Huck over and puts him into submission.)
Wrestling Commentator #2: Zombie Jesus is putting Huck into submission!
(Cut to Zombie Chris dancing in a wavy, psychedelic background. Cut to Chris and Ross in the stocks as Bill (with an executioner outfit) walks in with an axe as Craig walks in.)
Craig: Off with their heads, Executioner!
Bill: Hey, I'm supposed to be Bill.
Craig: You'll be a recycled into Bill of Rights, if you don't follow what I say when I say it!
(Cut to Huck fighting Zombie Jesus.)
Huck: You sumofbitch.
Zombie Jesus: I directed "Good Luck Chuck" and "Norbit".
Huck: You bastard!
(Huck swings up in the way and kicks off Zombie Jesus' head and lands down in the ring as the commentators walk off on fire, and start to get attacked by zombies.)
James: What the Hell is going on?
Huck: Something about Craig unleashing Zombie versions of Chris and Ross which zombifyed everyone else.
James: Wait……how did you know that?
Huck: Zombie Jesus told me.
Zombie Jesus' Head: Yeah, while we were fighting.
James: Then why are you here and a zombie?
Zombie Jesus' Head: "Joey" was my favorite show.
(Silence as James looks at him funny.)
Huck: That……….might explain the retardation.
(Cut to the Laughing Pineapples with top hats cutting Zombie Ross up with axes as Zombie Chris falls in unconscious as Huck and James walk into view.)
James: What the Hell is going on here?
(Standards and Practices Man walks in and clears his throat.)
James: I mean, "What the Heck is going on here"?
(Standards and Practices Man nods and walks off dropping his briefcase as Huck picks it up.)
Huck: I don't know, but whatever this is, it might help us.
(Huck opens it up.)
Huck: Or I could be filthy rich!
(Cut to Huck in a mansion with "MTV's Cribs" style TV show.)
Huck: Hello MTV, this is my new mansion.
(Cut to Huck in a billiards table.)
Huck: Here's where I play billiards after nailing broads after (BLEEP)ing them.
(Cut to Huck leaning against a fence.)
Huck: I now reside next door to Penelope Pitstop.
(Cut to Penelope Pitstop (looking slutty and trashy) getting handed money from a sleazy looking man. Cut to Huck in his pool.)
Huck: Here's my pool, where I flush out all the dead skunks.
(Cut to Huck in an alley wearing a cowboy outfit.)
Huck: This is now me a day after my house got repossessed because I wasted all the money on cocaine instead of paying it off the house like I should've. Now I'm how, working as a (sigh) Hustler to get some more coke.
(A chef unzips his fly as Huck kneels down. Cut back to the fair as Bill and Craig are walking holding Chris and Ross' heads.)
Bill: What should we do with the heads now?
Craig: Put them in the kid's playroom.
(James walks up to him.)
James: YOU! What the (BLEEP) is going on?
Craig: I am the King; I don't need to answer to you!
James: Yeah, I think you do.
Craig: I think I don't.
James: I think you do.
Craig: I think I don't.
James: I think you do.
Craig: I think I don't.
James: I think you do
Craig: I think I don't.
James: I think you do
Craig: I think I don't.
James: I think you do
Craig: I think I don't.
James: I think you do
Craig: I think I don't.
James: I think you do
Craig: I think I don't.
James: I think you do
Craig: I think I don't.
James: I think you do
Craig: I think I don't.
James: I think you do
Craig: I think I don't.
James: I think you do
Craig: I think I don't.
James: I think you do
Craig: I think I don't.
James: I think you do
Craig: I think I don't.
James: I think you do
Craig: I think I don't.
James: I think you do.
Craig: Well I think, you need to explain to me why haven't you finished the castle?
(Craig points to not even closed to finished castle.)
James: Well, I'm not even going to think about finishing it, until you tell me the real reason we're all here and why are there zombies and people on fire and why the Hell are you two holding Chris and Ross' heads?
(Silence as Bill runs off, dropping Chris' head.)
Craig: I'll tell you the full story.
(Cut to space.)
Craig: (V.O) My home planet was going to be destroyed, after my Mom gave birth to me.
(Cut to his Mom holding him as a baby.)
Craig: (V.O) The doctor put me in a rocket ship.
(Doctor grabs Baby Craig puts him in a rocket ship as it flies off.)
Craig: (V.O) And I went to Earth, working as a journalist whilst saving the world…….but then I got bored of it so, you know……..this happened.
(Cut to back to Craig and James.)
Craig: And you see, that's the story of how I lost my virginity to a pie.
(Silence.)
James: That had nothing to do with anything that was just the origin story to Superman!
Craig: Yeah, well…….where's Huck?
(Cut to Huck wearing a cowboy outfit in the streets.)
Huck: HEY! I AIN'T NO COWBOY, BUT I AM ONE HELL OF A STUD!
(Cut back to James and Craig.)
James: Working as a male prostitute if that wasn't already obvious.
Craig: What wasn't already obvious?
(A torso less Zombie Ross hops in.)
Zombie Ross: Torso less zombie!
James: Sweet Zombie Ross, it's Sweet Zombie Ross Gellar……..Sarah Michelle Gellar.
(Silence.)
James: I would "BAM" her.
(David Lynch flies in holding a parachute.)
David Lynch: I'll tell you what is going on…..
(Cut to space.)
David Lynch: (V.O) Craig's home planet was going to be destroyed, after his Mom gave birth to him…..
(Cut back to James and Craig.)
James: NO! I DON'T GIVE A FLYING (BLEEP) ABOUT NO ORGIN STORY STOLEN FROM (BLEEP)ING SUPERMAN, I WANT TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT THERE WAS A SERIAL CRIMINAL!
Craig: Um……………no, there wasn't.
James: Then why did we have to build castles, why do we have to go through zombies eating brains, torso less zombie, Huck working as male prostitute.
(Cut in a bed as Huck is having sex with some fat guy. Cut back to James and Craig.)
James: Cut off Chris and Ross' heads and have everything on fire, huh? Why? Why? Explain that to me!
Craig: (looks at his watch) Look at the time, Ironside is on, let's go watch Ironside huh?
James: No we're not, not until everything's explained….
David Lynch: Well, here's what happened…..Craig's home planet….
James: SHUT UP!
(James grabs out a gun and shoots him.)
James: Now, answer my question!
Craig: Okay, you want to know the truth!
James: Yes, I want the truth!
Craig: You want the truth! You want the truth! YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
(Silence.)
James: I think I can.
Craig: I think you can't.
James: I think I can.
Craig: I think you can't
James: I think I can.
Craig: I think you can't
James: I think I can.
Craig: I think you can't
James: I think I can.
Craig: I think you can't
James: I think I can.
Craig: I think you can't
James: I think I can.
Craig: I think you can't.
James: I think I can.
Craig: I think you can't
James: I think I can.
Craig: I think you can't
James: I think I can.
Craig: I think you can't
James: I think I can.
Craig: I think you can't
James: I think I can.
Craig: I think you can't
James: SHUT UP! We're going to get the answer, right here, right now! Why did we go through all that even though there was no criminal needed to be captured!
(Silence.)
Craig: (looks down at his feet) I just wanted attention.
(James stares at him funny. End credits.)