Code Name Huck
Intern
(Opening credits. Cut to Craig's office as everyone Evil Alliance member inside standing up as Craig is sitting casually on top of his desk.)
Craig: And that's why we will no longer have Unich Day on Friday.
(Everyone groans as Bill stares at Huck.)
Bill: Bastard.
(Huck pulls out a shotgun and shoots him.)
Craig: In other Evil Alliance news, today we welcome our new intern Andy Xan.
(A nerdy Asian man walks in, smirking creepily as he waves.)
Craig: Say a few words to the agency, Andy.
Andy: (with a very creepy voice) Um……I masturbate to photos of Richard Nixon.
(Silence as Huck pulls out his shotgun again and shoots at the ceiling.)
Craig: Oh……….kay. That's um, very normal. Andy is here on a….
(Huck points his shotgun at Andy's direction.)
Huck: Make my coffee, coffee boy!
(Cut to Andy making Huck coffee as he is pointing a shotgun at him.)
Huck: C'mon coffee boy, keep making it!
Andy: Huck……I love your work.
Huck: Really….you seen my 60's show?
Andy: No……..(creepy dramatic music comes on) I've been following everything you've been doing in the Evil Alliance, your Black Rebellion, your God Week, and that time your legs conked it.
(Creepy dramatic music stops as Huck stares blankly.)
Huck: Well……..that is………AWESOME! Give me five!
(Huck hi-fives Andy as Andy walks off as James walks in holding a coffee cup.)
James: Who was that?
Huck: Andy, our new intern. Yeah…….he loves my work.
James: Really…..his seen your old TV show?
Huck: No……..but he loves my work.
(Huck walks off as James stares at him. Cut to Huck in his cubicle polishing his gun as Andy is pestering him.)
Andy: And that time Craig's face was melting and you didn't let him go to the hospital.
Huck: Yep……….that…..was me.
Andy: Oh my god! (jumps up and down and squeals like a fangirl) Hey, wasn't your cubicle a cardboard box?
Huck: Cardboard box?
Andy: Yeah…….and how does everyone you kill keep coming back?
Huck: Well…………for both of those questions…….magic.
(Andy jumps up and down and squeals like a fangirl again.)
Huck: Yep……you sure do like me don't you?
(James walks in holding a pencil.)
James: Hey Huck, why do you continually stick my pencil up your….
Andy: (interrupting) OH MY GOD! IT'S JAMES! It's James!
(Andy kneels down and "hails" him.)
Andy: I'm not worthy! I'm not worthy!
(Silence.)
James: Wait hold on a minute……….how did you know my name?
(Dramatic chord.)
Andy: Ugh……magic.
(Andy backs away.)
James: Am I the only one who feels that the new intern is, well……a little creepy.
Huck: Ugh, you're just jealous because he favors me over you!
James: Oh yeah, how so?
Huck: Like how he knows how my leg's conked it that one time, that black rebellion I was apart of, that time Craig's face melted….
James: Hold on………..now how the Hell does he know those things?
(Silence.)
Huck: ……………Magic?
(Cut to Huck in Andy's office as Andy looks out the window as Huck is holding his shotgun, polishing it.)
Andy: I'm so glad you can make it Huck.
Huck: Don't mention it. (Huck pulls the shotgun away and then points it at his mouth and his blows at it)
Andy: Your friend James is a little suspicious of me.
Huck: Ugh, he says he thinks it's creepy that you now basically everything I've done here at the Evil Alliance.
Andy: What's creepy about that?
Huck: Exactly, ain't nothing creepy about Bob Geldof.
(Silence.)
Huck: Except his accent.
Andy: I've got the perfect plan to convince James I'm completely normal…….by giving some glory to that Douchebag.
Huck: Uh………why does that old assfag deserve glory?
Andy: To convince him I'm not just a creepy new recruit!
(Silence.)
Huck: You had me at Quizno's
(Cut to James in his cubicle late at night alone as he gets up and walks around.)
James: Andy? Andy?
(Cut to James standing outside a door marked "Intern's Office".)
James: Andy…..could you get me some coffee?
(A dark shadow creeps from behind him as James turns around.)
James: Huck, what are you doing?
(Another shadow quickly creeps out from behind James and hits him over the head with a wrench as Huck and Andy look on.)
Huck: How's that showing him glory?
Andy: You'll see.
(Fade out. Cut to James' eyes opening, it is now in his POV as he is in a dark dank basement as Andy looks at him with a creepy smile as Huck in the background is shooting random things.)
Andy: Hello James.
(It now goes out of James' POV as it now cuts to him chained up on the wall.)
James: What………what the Hell is going on?
Andy: You think I'm creepy; I'm here to convince you I'm a fan of your work.
James: What work?
Andy: As a plastic surgeon and an Evil Alliance agent.
James: Wait……how the Hell do you know I double as a plastic surgeon (fast) and don't say magic!
Andy: Because I know everyone about you……I know hard it was to get that medical degree.
James: What medical degree, I didn't work for any medical degree I just double as a plastic surgeon because Craig's lazy to hire a professional and I lost a bet with Chris.
Andy: Oh, I'm sorry……..I got messed up with my own fan script I've been writing about your lives.
(A Wheel of Fortune-esque model wheels in a computer with Andy's fan script on it.)
Andy: I got so enthralled into your lives I decided to write my own fan script.
(The model wheels the computer up to James.)
Andy: Read it!
James: I'm not going to read….
Andy: Read it! (points a pistol at James)
James: (reading) Agents: Glory to the Douchebag?
Andy: Keep reading….
(Huck walks up to them both.)
Huck: What's this I hear about a fan script?
Andy: I wrote a fan script about you, James and Craig getting new recruits in the Evil Alliance.
James: (reading, then stopping) When Craig says logic is his bitch, that sounds more like something Huck would say.
Andy: It's a fan script it doesn't have to be good!
(Huck turns his head and reads it.)
Huck: Hey, Seinfeld isn't Craig's favorite show. Ironside is.
James: I would never dye my hair fiery red.
Huck: On the "in the next chapter" it implies we're investigating, thus on a mission. I've only been on 2 missions since I got here.
Andy: IT'S A SATIRE! A PARODY OF YOUR LIVES!
(Silence.)
Huck: Why the Hell are you satirizing me? I thought you loved me.
Andy: (sounding heartbroken) I do…….I just wanted to leap up and write my own stories involving you guys.
James: (reading) What's this about "Death Note"?
Andy & Huck: SHUT UP!
Andy: Listen Huck……I know this fan script is a cheap rip off of your lives…..and I know it sucks, and you can flame me and give me a bad review on it but you know I mean you guys no harm when I wrote this.
(Silence.)
James: Somehow that speech didn't make sense.
Andy: You James, shut up! You're my least favorite character in the "Code Name Huck" fan script
(Silence.)
James: I thought it was called "Agents: Glory to the Douchebag"?
Andy: (nervously) Oh, yes, that's right……..well maybe I should tell you how I know everything about your lives.
(Cut to Craig drinking coffee in his office as a time rift opens up as Craig stares at it for a while.)
Craig: (casually) Mhm……time rift. Don't see that everyday.
(Craig continues drinking his coffee for a little bit then it cuts to Huck staring, shocked as James has a "I'm not buying this shit" expression on his face back in the basement.)
Andy: (pacing around) …….and that is how I know almost everything about you.
Huck: Oh…….God!
James: Puh-lease, you're saying that our entire lives are a fan script written by some pimply net-savvy nerd with a lot of time on his or her hands.
Andy: EXACTLY!
Huck: That explains everything.
James: Explains what…….Huck?
Huck: How we keep dying and coming back.
James: BECAUSE I HAVE TO KEEP USING MEDICAL SCIENCE TO KEEP (BLEEP)ING REVIVING YOU!
Huck: But you died that one time during "God Week".
James: No I didn't, that was a mere wound.
Huck: Face it James, you can't handle the fact that life has a writer, and we're the script!
(Silence.)
James: Oh so by your logic, if someone writes all this crap, then someone is writing that their writing all this crap.
(Beat. Andy pulls out his pistol and points it at James.)
Andy: I brought you here to prove I'm not creepy, and I'm still going to do that.
James: Just by doing that, you're proving you're creepier.
Andy: SHUT UP! I'm going to kill you! I'm going to kill both of you!!
(Huck stares at James angrily.)
Huck: Thanks a lot James.
(Cut to Craig, Bill (with a band aid on his head), Chris and Ross in the office as a handyman on the ladder are all looking at the time rift.)
Handyman: Now are you sure this is a time rift?
Craig: Well I think it is.
Bill: Looks like a vortex.
Chris: No you've got it wrong, it's a floating hole.
Ross: A floating hole, like such thing exists! It's obviously just an ordinary hole.
Chris: BUT IT'S FLOATING!
(Cut back to Andy, James and Huck as Andy is jumping up and down on his right leg.)
Andy: (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)!
(Cut to Andy's left leg as he has shot himself on the foot.)
James: You're a really, really bad shot you know that?
Huck: I've seen eyeless 1 inch midgets with ant legs with better aim then you.
(Cut back to the office.)
Ross: The very notion of a floating hole is preposterous, there needs to be some sort of abstract gravitational pull to this hole if it can float.
Chris: That was just a bunch of random gibberish, it's a (BLEEP)ing floating hole.
Ross: Oh, you say my argument against this floating hole is just a bunch of random gibberish; your argument for it has nothing to back it up.
Chris: There's nothing to back it up with, it's a floating hole, that's that!
Ross: ARE YOU (BLEEP)ING SERIOUS!
(Cut to Andy holding onto his left leg in pain.)
Andy: Somebody please call the hospital!
James: Why the Hell should I? You freakin' kidnapped me, showed me your dumb fan script and tried to convince me my whole life has just been a fan script! And even if I wanted to, I'm all chained up.
Andy: If you call the hospital, I'll unchain you.
Huck: Well, I'm just going to wait here until the writer writes the conclusion.
(Cut back to the office.)
Bill: You guys are a both wrong, it's obviously a spinning vortex!
Ross: Weren't you dead 8 pages ago?
(The rest of the room stares at him.)
Ross: Okay, about what I just said…….here's what Andy has told me.
(Cut back to the basement.)
Huck: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
(Silence.)
Huck: And that's what I'll say if Sylvester Stallone tried to touch me inappropriately.
Andy: What's that gotta do with calling the hospital?
Huck: Ol' Sly is working as a doctor now.
James: No his not.
Huck: Well, that might be true James, but I still think that new Rambo movie should be locked in a vault, thrown at sea and shot at.
(Cut back to the office.)
Chris: WHAT'S THAT GOTTA TO DO WITH A FLOATING HOLE ROSS!
Ross: I was just explaining that fan script thing Andy told me.
Chris: Yeah, well……now who's talking random gibberish.
(Silence.)
Ross: I never said you were talking random gibberish.
(The time rift gets bigger as it proceeds to suck in everyone in the room into and everything in it's path. Cut back to the basement.)
Andy: I'll die if you don't call the hospital James.
James: Why don't you ask your phoney bologna "writer" to write you out of it…..?
(Everyone in the basement proceeds to get sucked into the time rift. Cut to the exterior of the planet as the whole universe gets sucked into the time rift. Cut to the entire Evil Alliance floating in completely white place.)
James: What the Hell is this now?
Andy: Oh man, I should've known that telling you about the fan script would cause a time rift in the space-time continuum.
Huck: Are you sure it was that……or you sure it wasn't the writer not knowing how to write out of the situation.
(Silence.)
Andy: You know what……it was probably both.
(End credits.)
This is my response to "Agents: Glory to the Douchebag" fan fiction by a certain author which inspired this chapter. (Don't get offended, twas all in good fun)