"Oh, boy, this next Red Alert member is even dumber than I am."
"Self-esteem problems?" Zero enquired as he and Axl, each piloting a Ride Armour, pounded their way through the underground base, punching grenadiers and bombing floating mines.
"I was the newest member of Red Alert, so everyone looked down on me, even this idiot, Vanishing Gungaroo."
Zero shrugged, and the massive bulk of the Ride Armour shrugged with him, "I got rid of my self esteem problems by working harder than everyone else and achieving the highest efficiency rating."
Axl stared at him with the dumb awe of the inexperienced.
"You had self esteem issues?"
"Sure," Zero said, crunching another grenadier underfoot, "I was a Maverick once. Sigma found me and somehow beat the Maverick Virus out of me. Every Hunter in the base talked about me behind my back. They shut up when Sigma went Maverick, and I helped X kill him. They gave me the Special 'A' Rank for that."
"Wow, then X must have the Ultimate Hunter Rank!" Axl bubbled over, feeling way out of his league. Zero snorted disgust.
"No. He believes in pacifism. He tries to talk Mavericks out of fighting, and that has led to some very nasty incidents in the past where negotiations broke down."
Axl waited for the story to continue, taking his time breaking down the base's defenses.
"Last year there was a hostage situation, with forty reploids much like the ones we're rescuing now. X talked to their leader for six hours but, when the Maverick's demands were met, every hostage was killed anyway. X killed the Maverick, and didn't speak to anyone for a week."
"By the Creators," Axl shook his head, "Quick and decisive action would have saved those lives! Doesn't X know that Mavericks can't be reasoned with?"
Zero gave a heavy sigh that carried years of weariness.
"He wants the fighting to stop, kid."
"Fat chance," Axl pouted and smashed down the wall to the next area. Saying nothing, Zero followed.
"Now this is more like it."
Grinning, Axl stood before a small army of Ride Armour Mavericks. Zero hopped out of his walking tank and scaled one of the many pillars decorating the arena.
"Have fun, kid, I'm going to play Save Everyone's Ass."
While Zero found reploids who had somehow managed to climb thirty-foot pillars but were now completely unable to move, Axl cut an explosive swath through the ranks of Maverick Armours. Zero dangled his boots off the edge of a pillar, watching Axl's violent progress while exchanging war stories with one of the reploids.
"So you were just mopping up this place when Red Alert barged in here and took things over?"
"Ain't it the truth," Cutilix sighed, patting his mop fondly, "I get a transfer out of Maverick Hunter HQ and what do I get? Bombs! Missiles! People firing their lasers! Too much for an old coot like me," he cackled, "Not like that young 'un down there. He's rippin' up the place like a bronco in heat."
Zero laughed with the old janitor.
"You head on home now. Make sure you get a transfer back to HQ. It's the safest place on Earth."
"Will do, sonny. Maybe you'll help me mop things up again?"
Zero clapped Cutilix on the shoulder with the teleport beacon.
"Ask X. He's got nothing to do."
When the reploid was teleported to safety, Zero joined Axl on the floor of the arena. Mountains of scorched and broken parts encircled them. The Red Alert member had to hop over a small hill of slag before greeting them.
"You guys ruined muh base!" he whined, shaking a fist at them. Zero took one look at the diminutive kangaroo wearing boxing gloves and laughed. Axl stepped forward.
"Give it up, Gungaroo. You're outnumbered, and have nobody to defend you."
"I'm uh force of nay-chure!" he grumbled, practicing his straight punches for effect, "I'm-uh bust you both up gewd!"
"Is he usually this incoherent?" Zero asked.
"No. Sometimes he stammers," Axl shook his head.
"Huh – hey! You're talkin' bout me, ainchuh?" the little Maverick was working up, hopping side to side, gloves raised like the pugilist he was. Zero smacked his forehead.
"No way. I am not fighting that clown. How did Red Alert take itself seriously with him around?"
"We used him as a fusion reactor. He kept the television working when CSI was on."
Steam was billowing from Gungaroo's ears.
"That's it! You two are guh-oing down!"
"Be nice, now, or you won't get your cookie!" Axl warned, priming his pistol. In response, Gungaroo leaped behind the hill of slag again. Red heat reduced the scrapped Ride Armours to slag as the Red Alert member melted through it with huge, concentrated, short-burst fusion blasts. Gungaroo had his very own, custom-built Ride Armour. It had his colour scheme and a silly tail and everything.
"Wow. If his attacks had range, I might feel threatened," Zero mused, flicking the ash from his cig, "You do this, kid. I'm going on a smoke break."
"Will do, Special 'A'!"
Smirking as ever, Zero leaned against a pillar while Axl's and Gungaroo's Ride Armours clashed. Axl's armour was already worn down, and seeing as Gungaroo's was fresh and overpowered, Axl lost his armour halfway through the fight. He was, of course, much nimbler than the huge walking kangaroo tank, and his automatic pistol quickly disabled it.
"Now thuh real fight begins!" Gungaroo announced, hopping around the place at a frenetic pace.
"Doing!" Gungaroo said as he bounced over Axl's head, "Doing! Doing!"
"That must be irritating," Zero observed, coughing up tar from his voice generator. The Red Alert member fired off incredibly slow, short-range fusion blasts that might have threatened a slug. They were more a form of defense than attack, but Axl was a long-range fighter, and had no trouble blasting between the useless fusion bursts. Then, Gungaroo got mad, and began performing more acrobatic feats.
"Tuh-rai-ang-gul!" was the name of his signature move. So quick it was that Axl could not dash away in time, and got caught by the flying flaming kick quite a number of times.
"Get closer to him!" Zero yelled from the sideline, "That way you can…"
"Tuh-rai-ang-gul!"
"GAH!" Axl cried, falling prey to the very quick attack. Grumbling about babysitting, Zero barged back into the arena, tossed Axl out on his face, and ignited his Z Saber.
"I'm too fast for you, old guy!" Gungaroo boasted, puffing out his thin chest and waggling his oversized boxing gloves. Zero smiled, and held his saber with both hands before him.
"Hiten Mitsurugi Style!"
"Whuh?" Gungaroo frowned stupidly, still hopping side to side. A red aura enveloped Zero!
"NINE-HEADED DRAGON FLAAAAAAASH!"
The last thing Gungaroo knew was nine piercing blows to his head, shoulders, arms, chest, groin and legs. There was no time to react. There was no defense. Zero stood behind the stunned Gungaroo, sheathing his saber, and asked but one question.
"Can you surpass the speed of God?"
Gungaroo quietly fell to pieces.
"Didn't think so."
Axl stood up, pointed a finger, and gibbered like a monkey.
"How! What! Where! When!"
"Ever watched the old Japanese cartoons that humans made? There's this one guy, Kenshin Himura, who performed that attack. I copied it."
"But that's physically impossible!"
Zero bopped Axl on the head before they teleported out.
"You think in human terms."
888
The burning smell caught their interest when they materialized in HQ. Reploids do not 'smell', per se; their 'noses' scan the air for chemicals and interpret the input based on library records in their brains. This smell, however, matched no entry in their databases, so Zero and Axl followed their noses to the kitchen. Hannah was moaning in front of the counter.
"What's going on, Hannah? We detected burning hydrogenated vegetable oil and maize in the air," Axl reported. Hannah turned away from the counter and showed them a bowl of popcorn. Half of it was charred to a crisp.
"I don't understand! The microwave rotates, but half of my microwave popcorn is ruined!"
"The microwave must be Maverick!" Axl remarked. A war cry erupted somewhere inside the base, followed by sound of an arm cannon charging. Zero lifted an eyebrow.
"You don't think he actually heard…"
BOOM!
When everyone found their feet again, X was standing over the mostly atomized remains of the microwave. The rest of the kitchen was on fire, and there was a giant hole where a wall used to be.
"Justice has been served!" he crowed. Zero picked pieces of the fridge out of his hair.
"X, you need to see about that post traumatic stress disorder."
X blinked at him, and looked around.
"Whoa. Who redecorated? And what am I doing in the kitchen?"
"You've got to be kidding," Axl said, dusting his armour off.
"Oh, hey, Axl," X smiled and waved. He stepped over the rubble where half the kitchen used to be.
"I'm going back to my office. You guys clean up."
"Sure," Hannah coughed, "Next time I'll blow the microwave up to save time."
She glared at Axl and Zero, who stood there looking stupid.
"See what I have to put up with? Now go! My popcorn may be lost, but all those useless saps are depending on you!"