Chapter 23
Ed sat wretchedly in his seat on the train; they were heading home from their excursion in Youswell. He had a terrible time sleeping last night; he kept having nightmares about Roy. In his dreams it had seemed Roy was always just out of reach, a terrible feeling of loss was all he really remembered now. He hadn't eaten much at breakfast either; his stomach was still in knots. He sighed as he tilted his head against the window and let it bump against him. His eyes stared across the expansive landscape of rolling hills and trees that raced by them. He'd wanted to call Roy again this morning, he wanted to talk to him directly, but Al had assured him it was probably better to wait and see him in person. And then there was the little problem he had now of Al starting to hate Roy. It seemed to him like Al was trying to talk him into leaving Roy, but that was the last thing he wanted. He had to hope there was some reasonable explanation for what Havoc told him, things did appear differently now than when he'd spoken to him last night.
Al looked over at his brother sitting in the bench seat across from him; he'd never seen him this distraught. As his gaze roamed over him, he noticed the dark bags under his still red eyes and the sullen appearance to his cheeks. It was as if the spark he'd always had had completely gone out. He felt anger building in his chest, this was all Mustang's fault, he thought. The Colonel should have known better than to start something with his brother. "Ed?" Al asked cautiously.
Ed's eyes shifted up to his sibling's orbs "Yeah," he replied sadly.
"What will you do? I mean, if he really was with Hawkeye that night, and he cheated on you, don't you think you should break it off?" he questioned a little nervously. He didn't want to make his brother cry again, but he had to make him see how wrong this all was.
Ed sighed and shifted in his seat uneasily; then he gazed out the window again. "Don't start that again. I don't know what happened for sure, and I don't know what I'd do if he admits he did those things," he replied quietly. Then he continued, his facial expression changed and it was clear he was on the verge of tears, "I love him, Al," he said softly, his voice fraught with emotion.
Al had to look away; it was too painful to watch. As far as he was concerned, his brother was a fool. "Ed, you have to have some respect for yourself. You can't allow him to continue to make you feel bad. You've done nothing at all to deserve this. You deserve someone who'll treat you better…" he had a whole litany of things to say, but Ed interrupted him.
Ed glared at his brother, "There is no one else, Al. There will never be anyone else," he hissed.
Ed's tone brought the metal boy's gaze back to his brother's face, "Then you're an idiot!" Al said, thoroughly aggravated. He'd had enough; he couldn't bear it anymore. He stood up with a huff and clanked down the aisle, he needed take a walk before he let all his frustrations out on his brother.
Ed shrunk down in his seat, crossed his arms over his chest, and pouted. A lock of hair fell into his eyes and he angrily puffed air at it to remove it. When it fell right back to where it originally landed, he reached up and annoyingly swatted it away. The stubborn lock still returned, taunting him. "Damn-it!" he shouted as he hastily sat up. His legs flew out to kick the seat in front of him as he grabbed a hold of it, and practically ripped it out of his head as he shoved it away again and again only for it to return to it's original position. When his tantrum subsided, he sat upright and still, holding the lock over his head. He felt eyes on him and he twisted around to see the people in the adjacent seats staring at him. "What are you looking at?" he huffed before he abruptly returned to his shrunken place on his seat, although this time he shrank a little lower. As his thoughts returned to self-pity; the lock fell back over his eyes.
xxx
It was the mid morning of another sunny day when the train pulled into the station at Central with two brothers still sitting in silence across from each other. Ed's foot was nervously tapping the floorboards below him and a scowl rested on his face. Al was just still. When the train stopped, Al turned his head and looked out the window, he growled quietly as he saw Mustang's black head in the crowd of people just outside. Al stood and hastily pushed through the people waiting to exit the train, he left a bewildered Ed behind him to search for his suitcase.
Al got off the train and stomped toward Roy. He stopped just in front of the Colonel and bent menacingly over him.
"Good morning Alphonse, where is your brother?" Roy asked, completely oblivious to the boy's angry stance. Roy had too much on his mind to bother noticing something like that. He'd been rehearsing all last night and this morning how he was going to tell Edward what he'd done, everything except bringing Hawkeye to his house anyway. Roy swayed a bit in an effort to glance behind Al in order to see Edward get off the train.
"Don't you 'good morning' me! You are such a jerk! Consider this a warning Mustang, you so much as make one more tear fall down my brother's face and I swear I'll slaughter you!" Al spat furiously.
Roy didn't hear a word Al said until he got to the jerk part. Then he shot his eyes up to Al's glowing orbs and stared dumbfounded. "What?" Roy couldn't believe what he thought he heard out of the normally quiet younger brother.
"You heard me! I should just throttle you right now!" Al shot back as he took a step forward. His metal shell was flush with the front of Roy's blue jacket and made Roy have to strain his neck to continue looking up at him.
Roy struggled to find words and his mind raced. Did they somehow know about Hawkeye already?
Ed suddenly appeared behind his brother, he'd obviously heard the last few things Al had said. "Al! Shut up! I told you to let me handle this!" he hissed at his brother.
Al reluctantly backed off a bit. He hunched over for a second and then he stood upright and did his best to glare at Roy through his metal armor. His orbs glowed much brighter than normal. Then in a move very out of character for the boy, he held up his right hand and threateningly flipped Roy 'the bird'.
"Al!" Ed screamed, horrified. He'd never actually seen his brother do that before and it was almost comical.
Roy lowered his head, he wanted to laugh, but he surely didn't want to anger Alphonse any more than he already had. "I'm sorry Alphonse, I'm sure the two of you must have already heard something about what happened while you were gone," he admitted openly. Then he turned to Ed, who was glaring at him as well, "Obviously we have to talk," he told him gently. He watched Ed's expression soften and tears well up in his eyes.
"S-so it's true?" Ed asked fearfully.
Roy shot a glance at Al, who stomped forward once, and he leaned over to whisper into Ed's ear, "Listen, I'm not sure exactly what you heard, but let's not discuss it here," he warned.
Ed gulped hard and nodded. "C-can I j-just go home with you?" he stammered, his body had started to tremble. He knew whatever Mustang had to tell him would hurt.
"Sure, Ed. Let's drop off Al, and then we can go back to the house," he said soothingly.
xxx
Ed was confused; there'd been no contact and very little conversation between them, except to discuss the weather, while they'd been in the car dropping off his brother at the dorm. Any time he'd tried to broach the subject of what he'd heard, Roy diverted him somehow. As he tried to reach across the seat to take Roy's hand, he saw the elder man reposition it further away from him. He peered fearfully up at his lover, "Roy?" he asked softly.
Roy turned his head to gaze at Edward, "Yes?" he replied as nothing at all were the matter.
"Why won't you hold my hand? Why won't you…" he started, but was interrupted by Roy shushing him and tilting his head toward the driver. Ed shifted his gaze from Roy to the back of the drivers' head. What the hell was Roy getting at, he wondered? Ed sat forward and looked closely at the back of the driver's head, as if there were something stuck his hair. He couldn't fathom why Roy was gesturing to him. Then he felt Roy's firm hand press his chest and shove him backward. "What? I don't get it?" he questioned quietly as the raised his hands in confusion.
Roy leaned over to Edward, "Please be patient with me, we can hold hands, talk, do whatever the hell you want after we get into my house," Roy whispered. Roy's newfound fear of getting another investigation was leading him to take drastic steps to prevent anyone from knowing about them.
Ed sat back and looked out the window; thankfully they were just about to pull up at Roy's house. The two exited the car and made their way up Roy's front walk. Ed waited impatiently, holding his small brown suitcase, as Roy unlocked and opened his front door. As soon as they entered, Ed dropped his baggage and quickly positioned himself in front of Roy. "Okay, I've waited long enough. What the hell is going on, Roy?" he asked hastily. He stood directly in front of his lover and peered up into his face. His eyes darted back and forth as he tried desperately to get some answer's from Roy's expression. He saw Roy's gaze look away suddenly as the elder man hesitated.
Roy wanted more than anything for this to go well. He really did miss Edward and quite frankly couldn't wait to get him into his bedroom. The thought of reliving yesterday's ordeal and then having to deal with Edward's jealousy was draining to say the least. He thought for a second then spoke tenderly to his lover, "Edward, please, just have a seat on the couch and I promise I'll tell you everything."
Ed's eyes immediately filled with tears again as he turned to take a seat on the leather couch. Why was Roy being so distant, he wondered? He pondered if he was being set up for a huge disappointment. The thought that Roy might actually tell him he no longer wanted to be with him shot through his mind briefly. Maybe Roy had decided to be with Riza while he was gone? The thought made his brow tense with sorrow and his breathing hitched. He stopped himself; if he continued to think along that path he'd fall apart again. Ed sat on the edge of the couch with a hand on each thigh and breathed in deeply. He could see Roy taking a seat next to him in his periphery vision.
Roy sighed and prepared himself for the worst. He reached over and took Ed's hands in his own as he began. "First off, Ed, I want you to know that I love you, dearly," he stated with a pained expression on his face.
Ed immediately took the meaning behind the words the wrong way. Here was his lover, saying those words again as if they were rehearsed. The entwined hands he'd been gazing at blurred and he felt a hot tear race down his cheek. He remained silent and waited for Roy to continue.
Roy simply went into military mode at that point, it was just easier for him. "On Monday morning I received a memo stating Fuhrer Bradley was to visit on Tuesday in order to investigate a same-sex relationship. I reviewed the memo with Lieutenant Hawkeye, who gained additional information. She confirmed the investigation was indeed a result of our date on Friday night. Apparently someone had seen us kissing outside the theater. And so, I formulated a plan to convince the Fuhrer I was indeed dating my assistant and not you," Roy stopped when he heard a sob escape from underneath Edward's long blonde bangs. He looked sorrowfully at his lover for a moment, but regained his composure to continue his dialog. "I decided to hold a party at the pub for the officers in order to have them see Riza and I together. The plan included Riza wearing your new jacket so they would…" Roy was interrupted.
"Damn it Roy, don't talk to me like I'm some fucking superior officer you're reporting to! Just tell me what you did with her, tell me how far it went!" Ed shouted through a steady stream of tears. He was looking directly at Roy now and his shoulders heaved with the intensity of his emotions.
Roy couldn't meet his gaze, couldn't allow himself to fully see the agony on his face. He couldn't actually believe he'd been so heartless as to hurt his lover so badly again. He tilted his head forward, "I'm so sorry Edward," he said, his voice wavering with emotion.
"Just tell me what you did with her!" Ed shrieked as he yanked his hands away from Roy's grasp. He clenched his teeth to hold back his sobs as he waited for Roy's reply.
Roy finally found some semblance of strength within himself and leaned forward slightly to lock his eyes with Ed's. He felt tears close as he spoke, "I-I was going to lie to you, but…I can't. I've already lied so much I'm loosing respect for myself. So, at the risk of loosing you completely, I'll tell you the truth," he replied, his voice was streaked with pain. He heard Ed's breathing hitch as he watched his lover's shoulders shake with a silent sob. Roy's eyes blurred and he continued, "The truth is Ed, my plan sort of backfired. She came on to me. A lot. I got very drunk, too drunk. She came home with me. I tried to stop her, but I was just too drunk to do very much about it and well, frankly, I don't remember if we, uh…but I guess we must of…" Roy stopped; Ed was bent over in front of him, his chest to his thighs.
Ed couldn't hear anymore, his lover had indeed lied to him, sent him away, and cheated on him. Ed's misery was all encompassing, his chest felt like it would explode and his stomach was nauseous again. "Oh God…Roy….why...why would you…" he choked out quietly.
Roy sat forward and put his arms over Ed's back in an effort to comfort him. He bent over to get close to Ed's ear, "I didn't mean to, I really tried to make her leave me alone, but…but, shit, I just drank too damn much," he explained quickly. He realized nothing he had to say would be enough. Terror grew in his heart as Ed just lay bent over his legs, quietly weeping. He repositioned himself and tried to pull his lover in close; then Ed lurched away from him.
Ed felt Roy's arms surround him and try to draw him into the body of the man he loved. But he couldn't allow himself to be touched in any way by the one who'd hurt him so carelessly. He jerked away and stood up on the floor at the end of the couch. He impulsively reached into his front pocket and pulled out a silver key, the very key Roy had given him only a few days ago; the key that had meant so much to him. He flung it onto the coffee table and stared as if in a daze as it clinked on the dark surface, bounced, and then rested squarely in front of Roy's lap.
Roy gasped as he watched Ed's actions. When the key rested in it's final position, he shot his gaze back up at his lover, "Ed? What are you doing?" he asked incredulously.
"What do you think? I'm giving it back," he stated flatly. His voice was devoid of emotion. He had cried every tear he had to cry, he had felt more heartache than he could handle. Al was right, he told himself. Al knew this thing between them was wrong, would never go anywhere. Al was right, he told himself again, he deserved something better, and right now being alone sounded better. Ed's mind drifted, he felt like he could float away all of a sudden. Instead, he just stood there and let his arms dangle limply at his sides. He didn't think, he just spoke aloud, "Guess I'll have to get a transfer," he said suddenly.
Roy was still in denial over what he saw. Edward couldn't be breaking up with him, could he, he wondered? "What the hell are you talking about?" he asked as he stood up and walked over to the blonde. He stood directly in front of him and tried to put his arms around him again, but Ed pushed him away hard. That's when the full extent of what was happening actually sank in; he had indeed completely lost his lover. Roy was surprised by how quickly his tears overtook him, he rushed forward and tried to grab a hold of Edwards' arms, but Ed quickly ripped them from his grasp. "Ed, please, I did this for us, I did it so we could be together! It worked, Ed, my plan worked, the Fuhrer thinks I'm dating Hawkeye, we're safe now, he thinks I was with her on Friday night!" his words tumbled out of his mouth as wetness streaked down his cheeks. "Ed, look at me! Did you hear what I said?" he said shrilly. Then he watched as Ed took a few more steps backwards with his head hung low, shaking back and forth. "No, Ed, you're not listening, you can't do this, you can't just break it off," he reasoned desperately. When he still got no response out of Ed, he lunged at him.
Ed saw Roy coming at him, but he was too dazed to do anything about it. He felt Roy tackle him and their bodies fall backwards. He grunted softly as he landed hard on his back, on the floor, with Roy on top of him. Roy's body pressed against him and his arms finally surrounded him. Edward struggled, but Roy was just so much bigger than he was. "Get off me!" he hissed. His fists beat furiously at Roy's chest, but were unable to do much damage with the close proximity of their bodies.
Roy held his position and took his beating. He dropped his head into Ed's neck and twisted it to the outside. "Ed, you can't do this, you don't really want to do this, do you? You still love me, right? You're too stubborn to give up on us…you said…you said…you would be my reason for living…remember?" he pleaded as sobs started to choke him.
"I also told you never to shut me out! Never to lie to me! But you did Roy, you lied and you slept with Riza! You chose not to talk to me about it, instead you did exactly what you knew would hurt me!" Ed screamed as he continued to try and throw Roy off of him so he could leave. He just wanted to go home now, to his home, his dorm room. But he finally tired as he slowly realized Roy would never let him up this way. He couldn't believe it, but as he felt Roy's body shake over him with grief, his own tears started to come back. He abruptly reached his arms out and wrapped them around his distraught lover. He held Roy for a few minutes, both of them crying against each other. As their suffering ran it's course and slowed, Roy rolled off Ed and laid next to him on the floor, on his back. Ed reluctantly took his chance and crawled up to stand. He looked back at Roy briefly and then silently turned to leave.
A/N: Don't kill me, yet.