I impress upon you once more…if you value characters sanities…and also their heterosexuality…do not read on….

DISCLAIMER: Anyway…did I mention that I own the grand total of two characters and one prostitute?? Yes I am pathetic. Without the large imaginative help of the genius that is Joanne Rowling.

PART TWO.

Lucius lies dead at the bottom of a hill.

Snape would really like that wouldn't he? But no. Lucius is at the bottom of something though. (quite alive. Just wanted to see did anyone care.) He is at the bottom of Snape's tower. Yes, he has one. It's part of the manor. Lucius and Snape have decided that they will begin their quests. Snape knows he can rely on Lucius to wait until their agreed time of the next morning. He's a (feminine) man of his word. Most of the time anyway. Love, honour and obey went out the window. Except in the case of the Deatheater contract which goes rather like a marriage ceremony.

Lucius: Severus, Severus, where for art thou Severus?

No reply.

Lucius thinks Snape is lost for words so says:

Lucius: Oh, Sev, you must not be ashamed of your homosexualness nature! ( I do speak proper English. Lucius does not)

Snape was in fact ignoring this at first but when Lucius said:

Lucius: I will attempt to climb thy tower my subtle black rose!

Snape realised this was his opportunity to….

Meanwhile, Wormtail was travelling by coach. He loved the smell of public transport. So much so that he fell asleep…Ending up in Reading instead of Oxford…where Nagini last stopped for water. I'm deadly serious. How Wormtail knew this, you ask? Let's just say that all the time that he spent as a rat, finally, served him well. He had an acute sense of smell.

As for Snape, the opportunity that was made available to him was an opportunity to get ahead of Lucius. He took off as soon as it presented itself. Not on a rocket or any sort of flying machine. Voldemort was a tight-pocketed bollocks. But on a horse. Snape luckily found a trail of cookie crumbs leading to the bus station…..left, of course by peckish Wormtail…..After two hours of working out the bus-timetable there….Wormtail had graffitied it with 'Peter + Voldesex Love' in order to slow down the others….it was hard to read ( he also was mourning Voldemort and wanted to pay him some, however pathetic, tribute). Snape finally realised Nagini must be in Oxford.

Meanwhile Lucius had clumsily banged into the tower at least twice…his eyes were still blurry due to extreme amounts of 'Cilit Bang'…this impaired his vision further. Eventually, he began to climb the tower using a temporary sticking-charm on his feet.( This sticking-charm was newly invented by his crazy inventor son Draco. Draco had gone mad after leaving Hogwarts; his Oedipus complex served him badly.) As we all presumed, it was a very untested charm and Lucius fell to his death.

In the meantime, Snape had been making good time on his radiant horse….hair blowing wildly but gracefully. Snape felt amazing about himself. He began to trot with one arm swinging in the air, leaning on his other side. This must have looked wonderful for a while until Snape jumps up high in his saddle and his head hits the low-lying branch of a tree, knocking him into the lake beside it. He nearly drowns since the horse does not come to help, ( horses are selfish, you know) but discovers a boy naked in a field adjacent shouting 'eck!' and instantly falls in love. She is thus free. ( once a horse falls in love, it is a free horse.) Snape just about survives. He cannot swim because his father, the muggle in his parentage, failed to pay for swimming lessons…he spent all his money on drink and women. At first, the soaked Snape (who is falling at different intervals due to the weight of his cloak because the 'Team' uniform was cheaply made…again, Voldemort is a cheap bastard) mistakes the boy for Harry Potter…then again, his hair is stuck to his eyes…but then the horse and boy disappear…

In case you were wondering, it was Harry. Being married to the nagging slag Ginny had driven him to horses.

So Snape is stuck, wet, somewhere between London and Oxford, Wormtail is in Reading and Lucius is dead….

Well not yet.

He is fairly immobile though, lying at the bottom of Snape's stone tower which he had received from Voldemort… Wormtail had protested at the time- " why don't I get a tower?" but Voldemort just replied " when you're older, Wormtail, you can have whatever you want." Voldemort had in fact known he would keep saying this until Wormtail died.

Alright…Lucius…I almost forgot…

So Lucius is at the bottom of a tower. So we're back at the beginning. All he can move is his fingers…so he messes with leaves on the ground…he is very amused…as far as his vision is concerned he might as well be stoned. He is giddy. He will eventually die from lack of food as he can't move…but who really cares right…

He sings:

" I like leaves,

Yes I do,

I like them,

Much more than you!"