Another Year Gone By

Two days had gone by since the school year had ended. Severus was in the midst of reorganizing his potions stock to see what he would need to by before September rolled around again. He was glad the year had come to a close but not for the same reason as many of the students. Certainly he was enjoy a summer away from the castle but he was glad to have time to himself again and not being so vigilant about keeping an eye on Quirrel. There was a knock on his door and he looked up to see McGonagall standing there.

"We're going out to The Three Broomsticks," she said.

"I have things to get done," he said, declining politely.

"You pass up a drink. I'm shocked," she teased. He stood up and walked over to her.

"Not tonight. I have more important things to than go out," he told her.

"I believe you. Have a good summer, Severus," she said and walked away.

Severus turned back to his cleaning and with a flick of his wand the shelves had been dusted. He began to reshelf the full containers and mark down the ones that needed to be refilled as quickly as he could.

Things didn't go as quickly as he would have hoped however. He had gone through a lot of stocks this year. He mumbled to himself about it being the first years' fault that he would have to spend more than his salary gave him on supplies for the coming term. Finally he sat down and surveyed his office. Everything was in order and he could leave. With one last look around the office, he gathered a few papers and his travelling cloak and headed up to the Entrance Hall.

He donned the cloak and walked outside and to the edge of the grounds. Once he was a safe distance, he apparated off the grounds and appeared in his house on Spinner's End. He looked around his home and sighed. He'd lived there his entire life and nothing much about the place had changed. Before doing anything else, he poured himself a glass of whiskey and downed it in one swig.

Severus couldn't procrastinate any longer. He'd waited an entire year for this and he needed to know. He reached in his pocket and pulled out the envelope. He moved to the sitting room and lowered himself onto the love seat. He took a moment to stare at her hand writing. It was like he remembered, just as delicate as always. Carefully, he unsealed it and pulled a thick packet of pages.

"It's been so long, Lily," he breathed as he unfolded the pages and stared at them. It was dated a few weeks after Harry's birth. Licking his lips, he began to read.

Sev,

It's been a long time since we really had anything important to talk about. I know you tried to make things right with us but I couldn't forgive you. Not then at least. I was hurt and betrayed. But I have forgiven you, in my heart of hearts I think I did it that night. I just couldn't say it.

I wish I could go back and forgive you for real Maybe things would have changed for us. Maybe you wouldn't have done what you did. Believe me I know what you chose to do. Sometimes I wondered if it was my fault. I suppose it probably was.

Anyways, I'm rambling unnecessarily. This letter is something I should have told you a long time ago. I hope you ca forgive me when you reach the end of it. If you can't, I understand why.

I'm sure you remember what happened between us all those months ago. I think about it every day and wonder if James suspected anything. Every day afterwards, I wondered…was I with the wrong man? Severus, that night I saw you and I couldn't keep myself from seeking you out. Something deep inside of me made me find you.

At that, Severus had to stop reading for a moment. He wracked his mind, trying to recall what she was talking about. It came crashing down upon him like a ton of bricks. It had been late that night. He'd had a few drinks at the pub and he'd seen Lily. He had tried to avoid her. He was always a bit loose lipped when he'd tossed back a few and he didn't want her to hex him. But she'd sought him out and come on to him. He couldn't say no. It had been the best night of his life. It felt like he'd won her back, not that he'd really lost her to begin with. She hadn't really been his to lose.

"You were so beautiful that night," he whispered to the evening air. He contemplated getting another drink but he knew he would need to be sober to finish this letter. He turned his gaze back to the letter.

I want to assure you that I don't have regrets about what happened. It was wholly my doing anyways. It felt nice to be in your arms again. You always tried to tell me you loved but it wasn't until that night that I knew, ever after all the things that time and hurt feelings had put between us, you still meant every word of it. That made me feel special, knowing that I was loved by you.

Well…I suppose I ought to get it…enough rambling. A few days after I saw you, I found out I was pregnant. James was so excited when I told him but I couldn't shake the feeling that something was different about all of this. So I scheduled my first appointment while James was on shift and wouldn't you know…I was having twins.

Snape had to stop reading again when he read the last line. Twins? She was pregnant with twins? But no one had every mentioned a second child. Not even Dumbledore had known about this.

"What are you telling me?" he begged of the paper. He turned the paper over and continued to read.

You see, Sev, I knew something wasn't normal about these twins. But I couldn't let on that I was worried. I also couldn't tell James right away about the twins. I wasn't sure that one or both of them were actually his children. I had the nurse perform a paternity spell when I was a month and a half along. They each had a different father. My twins had different fathers. I don't think you can comprehend how bizarre that feeling was when she told me.

Severus, I should have told you then and there that I was having your child. I was just nervous and unsure of what would happen. James never knew about the twins. He thought I was having just one baby; his baby. Looking back now, I feel horrible about lying to him and not telling you the truth. You deserve to know the truth now.

I bet you're wondering how James never found out about the other baby. I managed to schedule all of my appointments when he was on shift. I told him that those times were the only openings. He believed me.

The pages fell from his fingers onto the table in front of him. He couldn't believe what she had written. Could his eyes be deceiving him? He scanned the paragraphs again and found he had read correctly the first time. She had most certainly told him she had been pregnant with his child. His mind flitted to Harry. He looked too much like James. He had to be James' son. Severus had to take several deep breaths before he could finish reading the rest of the letter.

I had the twins a couple weeks ago. A boy and a girl. They were both precious and perfect. Baby A, the girl is yours, Sev. She looks like you. She's beautiful and has your smile. She was born first. No, James wasn't in the room when I had either baby. The doctor told him he wasn't allowed to be there. I wish I had a picture to give you but I don't.

I knew I couldn't explain the existence of two babies to James after nine months of believing that there was only one. So I made the hardest decision in my life. I gave her up for adoption. I knew it wouldn't be fair to just drop her on you after nine months of silence.

I don't know where she ended up. I signed away my rights after I had Harry. But deep inside me, I know she'll be loved and looked after. I did it through a Muggle agency. I know it will be a shock on her eleventh birthday but I just can't be the mother she needs.

I hope one day she'll understand why I did what I had to. It was the only way I could really love that beautiful little baby girl. It hurt to give her up but I had no choice. I put myself in the situation and I accept that responsibility.

If you want to find her, please do. If you want her, please tell her that. Be the parent I couldn't. in the papers, I asked that her name not be changed. It was the only thing I could give her that would help you find her. Like I said, I don't know her last name but her first and middle names are Irlynn Belle. I couldn't let the flower theme end. My Mum wouldn't be very happy. So Sev, please don't let my mistake break apart what we created. She's out there somewhere.

With all my love,

Lily

By now, Snape was short of breath and felt dizzy. Lily had not only been pregnant with his child but she'd delivered the child and given her away without so much as asking him. But what would he have really done if he'd known? He was a Death Eater. He couldn't provide a stable home for an infant. Maybe Lily had been right to give the child away.

"I have a child," he breathed, testing the words on his tongue. They didn't sound entirely foreign. He looked back over the end of the letter. The child's name jumped out at him. It couldn't be the same pesky Ravenclaw that had buddied up to Potter this year, could it? Could he have really had his own daughter right there under his nose the whole time? Even if she was his daughter, what he was supposed to do? He couldn't very well just tell her she was his daughter.

"God, Lily. What am I supposed to do now?" he growled, gripping the paper so tightly that the thin edges cut into his palms, drawing thin slivers of blood. It wasn't the pain that he noticed first, it was rivers of red staining the pages. He set them down and looked at them.

"What do you want me to do?" he asked softly. He needed to know what she wanted. His eyes were drawn to the last line of the letter. His blood seemed to be underlining it; So Sev, please don't let my mistake break apart what we created. She's out there somewhere.