Chapter 7:
I don't know why, but entering Hogwarts gave me the feeling of contentment. It was like I was at last where I was meant to be.
I love that feeling. If I could just keep it for ever …
Here I am, standing in the middle of the most famous Great Hall in the wizarding world, with its enchanted ceiling which really shows the outside sky.
And there he is, Albus Dumbledore. There is the greatest sorcerer in the whole world, really imagine that.
I just waned to kill him there and then. How I managed to keep attentions from myself, I don't know. But I know it took all my training in keeping my face avoided of all emotions, my mind out of my body that made it possible. Sometimes in my crazy mind I think I'm in debt to the Dursleys for their hard training in self control, and then the sane part of my mind brings up the whole package of memory and I feel I have paid the debt with pain, suffering and blood.
And then it sang. And I mean IT sang. A hat, an old dirty hat. The song was hilarious but it was informative enough. We had to put on the hat to know which house we belong to.
You know, after reading those many books I consider myself knowledgeable enough to tackle this world, but an old thinking hat has had me lost. I can't think what kind of magic could be used to create such a hat. A hat that can judge your character, and tells which house will suit you best. I am nervous. I don't I can pass, maybe the Dursleys are right and I am just a freak after all. You know what this means? Research. Yes, I have found something interesting to research and I think Hogwarts library is just the place.
Anyway when my name was called, as expected the whole Great hall went into a gossiping mode. "Did it say Harry Potter?" "The Harry Potter?" stupid teenagers.
When I put on the hat, it was …
There isn't any word to describe it. So I just tell you the exact conversation:
When I put the hat on, it fell on my eyes, I had to close my eyes, at least I know it could do with some sort fitting charm. And then a voice, a bloody voice was in my head. It was speaking to me or to itself I didn't know.
"What do we have here, let me see." It said. I don't know how, but somehow everything that has happened to me.
"You should know, dear child, you are not a freak." It said.
"What are you talking about?" I said. I was really confused, how could anybody or in this case anything see everything about me, and do not think of me as a freak? How? You tell me!!! It must be delusional, but it didn't fit to the picture. Nobody would put an insane hat to sort students.
"It would take time but you will believe it.' It said. "But I can't do anything about it as I am just a hat after all. And my only duty is to sort students. You have a very big plan for your future. Let me see where to sort you that would help you more. You are very loyal to those you think deserve it. Helga would be proud. You have plenty of courage and Godric would have admired you. You are very cunning and ambitious and you know the snakes, so Salazar would have wanted you. And you have the mind and thirst for knowledge that would make Rowena look like a curious kitten. So decide for yourself child which house you want, for you would fit into all and would make the best of all."
I was stunt. Decide for myself. It really was hard. Huffelpuff would make everyone underestimate me at first, but it would loose it advantage after first encounter. Gryffindore would make me Dumbledore's Golden Boy, so it was out, even though I am sure it would have made my parents proud. Slythrine would help me learn about snakes and bunches of other grate stuff, but because of prejudiced people, it would make every bloody person in this continent suspicion. So it will remain Ravenclaw, the only one that I can't find anything negative about.
"Ravenclaw then it is, child." It said. "Would you make a deal with me, child?"
"Huh?"
"I will give you something that you will need and benefit from; in exchange you promise me something." It said. "Will you?"
"A gift? A promise? … If it is worth it, well yeah." I said.
"I will give you the gift of natural occlumancy "it said."And then you would be able to put a shield around your mind without arousing suspicions and it will last through every situation that you will find yourself in, I exchange you will promise me to try to trust again."
"Trust someone?" I said. After everything that has happened how could I trust? I trusted my teacher and it just got me a sever beating for talking about the beatings that I deserve and my dearest relatives would do the honor.
I trusted that neighbor kid, it got me an other sever beating for daring to talk to Dudley's friend and making him look bad at neighborhood.
I trusted Dudley about the food and he just lied that I stole it from him and ….
Too many times I tried trusting people and it always made my life worse. The neighbors named me liar, the neighbor's kids ran away from me like I am a disease, the teachers…
Finally I learned to deal with everything alone and never ever trust anything even I sometimes couldn't trust my own body.
And now that bloody hat wanted me to trust again.
I can't. I know I can't. I was shivering. I couldn't breath. I knew that I was having a panic attack.
"Breath child. Deep breath. Don't panic." it said. "I just want you to know that there are still people out there worthy of trust. Trust them slowly and with little things but learn to trust, because nobody can take on life alone especially yours. You can not take this burden through your whole life alone. You should share it. It will make it bearable. You think right now your life is the most complicated that it can be but it will get more complicated. It's the life philosophy, child. You can not carry on alone.
"No, thank you. I will carry on alone. At least if I break, it will be my own doings, not others." I said.
"Consider it this way child, that if you trust somebody, it will be your doing as well for putting trust where it was not due." It said. "Consider it child. You will not loose anything but just promising to TRY to trust. Just try."
"Ok" I said.
"A word of advice dear child: choose wisely" it said. "RAVENCLAW" it yelled.
But I wasn't listening to it. I was t tired to even function anything remotely normal. I was exhausted. I didn't have any energy left. I was scared. In a singled day I gained more than I would have ever hoped for but I wasn't sure I had paid the right price. Even know I couldn't decide. You tell me, was it worth it?
I don't remember more of that day's events. I don't know how I ended up in Ravenclaw tower and got into a bed. I was tired. I wanted to sleep. Truthfully I wanted to sleep forever.
If only life had any kindness….